What would you do? - abusive ex.

[freshhead]

TW - domestic violence

I split with my ex partner back in October last year, after going back and fourth with him for 4 years. He committed some serious crimes, some of them which I’ve only just recently reported to the police, of which my ex partner has no idea about that things have been reported.

The outcome of the report led to me being given two options, I either left it as a record on file, or I could go ahead with a formal interview, interviewed by video camera, and then he would also be called in for an interview. It would then go to the CPS for them to decide whether or not it would be a court case.
I had some evidence which was sent to the detective and he said the case looked strong and that what my ex partner had done was quite a serious crime.
He gave me a few days to think about what I wanted to do. I chose not to take things further at this time, but the file can be reopened at any time.
My reason for finally making the report to the police in the first place, was due to a few things my ex has done this past month and also over the months we’ve been apart. The first being, he continuously tries to hack in to my personal emails using a VPN. He hasn’t got in yet, but the fact he keeps doing it, doesn’t sit well with me.
He also very recently tried to insure and tax his motorbike in my address. He’s refused to pay for our son since the end of May, and tried to control the financial situation, by telling me he would only pay me weekly if he saw his son at the weekend. He refuses to give me his address so I wont let my son go to him without it.
I’ve also recently paid to cancel his mobile contract that he upgraded in my name without my consent. I did this so he couldn’t upgrade again in my name. The phone will be paid for, and the only inconvenience to him will be needing to order a new SIM card or buying one from a shop, or just getting a new contract out in his own name. Considering the contract was due for an upgrade in December anyway, there really should be no issue. The contract takes 28 days for the cancellation to take place. Within this time, he logged in to the app and added nearly £50 worth of extras to the account (BT sport and some other add ons)
My phone company kindly sorted this out for me and refunded me the money after they could see what he’d done logging in with his email address. I did however, spend the whole evening in tears knowing that this man not only doesn’t pay for his child, but is also happy to take extra away from him.
This all pushed me to finally report him.
I’ve just started DV counselling and have 11 more sessions to get through.
This afternoon I face another dilemma, as he’s done something and im not quite sure what to do about it.
A parcel came this afternoon, I opened it without looking at the name on it. Inside was a small black object and lots of small watch batteries. I realised I hadn’t ordered anything like that, and checked with my 16yr old son who also hadn’t ordered anything. When I checked the package, it was addressed to my ex partner.
I sent photos to friends who might know what the object was, whilst googling myself. It said on the side it was some kind of laser.
It turns out that the laser is for a gun. It could be any kind of gun, most likely an airsoft or BB gun, but I guess I can’t be on that.
The logical part of me is saying it’s been delivered here accidentally, as he used to have things delivered here when we were together and perhaps he forgot to change the address.
But the anxious part of me is wondering if it was deliberate and if so, what his reasons would be for sending something like that here.
I now don’t know what to do, whether or not I should keep a diary of this and anything else that happens going forward to then reopen the file, or just contact the police straight away so they can find out more and investigate why it’s been sent here.
I’ve had enough and wish there was no more from him. It’s starting to feel like things may never end, although he’s not in my life actively harassing me, it almost feels like he’s doing it covertly enough to think he won’t get in trouble for it.
At this point, every advice is welcome. Thank you.

 

[emm]

TW - domestic violence

I split with my ex partner back in October last year, after going back and fourth with him for 4 years. He committed some serious crimes, some of them which I’ve only just recently reported to the police, of which my ex partner has no idea about that things have been reported.

The outcome of the report led to me being given two options, I either left it as a record on file, or I could go ahead with a formal interview, interviewed by video camera, and then he would also be called in for an interview. It would then go to the CPS for them to decide whether or not it would be a court case.
I had some evidence which was sent to the detective and he said the case looked strong and that what my ex partner had done was quite a serious crime.
He gave me a few days to think about what I wanted to do. I chose not to take things further at this time, but the file can be reopened at any time.
My reason for finally making the report to the police in the first place, was due to a few things my ex has done this past month and also over the months we’ve been apart. The first being, he continuously tries to hack in to my personal emails using a VPN. He hasn’t got in yet, but the fact he keeps doing it, doesn’t sit well with me.
He also very recently tried to insure and tax his motorbike in my address. He’s refused to pay for our son since the end of May, and tried to control the financial situation, by telling me he would only pay me weekly if he saw his son at the weekend. He refuses to give me his address so I wont let my son go to him without it.
I’ve also recently paid to cancel his mobile contract that he upgraded in my name without my consent. I did this so he couldn’t upgrade again in my name. The phone will be paid for, and the only inconvenience to him will be needing to order a new SIM card or buying one from a shop, or just getting a new contract out in his own name. Considering the contract was due for an upgrade in December anyway, there really should be no issue. The contract takes 28 days for the cancellation to take place. Within this time, he logged in to the app and added nearly £50 worth of extras to the account (BT sport and some other add ons)
My phone company kindly sorted this out for me and refunded me the money after they could see what he’d done logging in with his email address. I did however, spend the whole evening in tears knowing that this man not only doesn’t pay for his child, but is also happy to take extra away from him.
This all pushed me to finally report him.
I’ve just started DV counselling and have 11 more sessions to get through.
This afternoon I face another dilemma, as he’s done something and im not quite sure what to do about it.
A parcel came this afternoon, I opened it without looking at the name on it. Inside was a small black object and lots of small watch batteries. I realised I hadn’t ordered anything like that, and checked with my 16yr old son who also hadn’t ordered anything. When I checked the package, it was addressed to my ex partner.
I sent photos to friends who might know what the object was, whilst googling myself. It said on the side it was some kind of laser.
It turns out that the laser is for a gun. It could be any kind of gun, most likely an airsoft or BB gun, but I guess I can’t be on that.
The logical part of me is saying it’s been delivered here accidentally, as he used to have things delivered here when we were together and perhaps he forgot to change the address.
But the anxious part of me is wondering if it was deliberate and if so, what his reasons would be for sending something like that here.
I now don’t know what to do, whether or not I should keep a diary of this and anything else that happens going forward to then reopen the file, or just contact the police straight away so they can find out more and investigate why it’s been sent here.
I’ve had enough and wish there was no more from him. It’s starting to feel like things may never end, although he’s not in my life actively harassing me, it almost feels like he’s doing it covertly enough to think he won’t get in trouble for it.
At this point, every advice is welcome. Thank you.

Definitely do both of these things, keep a diary and go to the police. The fact he sent this to you is definitely a threat not an accident to the wrong address, he is basically just telling you he has a gun.

I understand it probably isn't possible but just would consider moving house.

So sorry you are in this situation, I was in an abusive relationship but luckily after we split he never did anything. More than anything we'll done on having the courage to leave

 

[freshhead]

Definitely do both of these things, keep a diary and go to the police. The fact he sent this to you is definitely a threat not an accident to the wrong address, he is basically just telling you he has a gun.

I understand it probably isn't possible but just would consider moving house.

So sorry you are in this situation, I was in an abusive relationship but luckily after we split he never did anything. More than anything we'll done on having the courage to leave

I can’t be sure that it wasn’t sent here accidentally as like I say, he had things delivered here whilst we were together and it may of just been a case that he’s ordered from somewhere he hasn’t ordered from since last year, and just didn’t notice he hadn’t changed the address.
The way he’s behaved the past few months though I can’t be sure. I think if I called the police and it was a deliberate action from him, he would use the excuse that he hasn’t realised the address was wrong anyway. I also think I’d have to reopen the whole case, which was only closed 2 days ago.

My eldest son’s dad has air soft guns that he uses as a hobby, and my ex partner always used to mock him for having them by saying ‘he’s a little boy with his toys’
Really doesn’t make any sense to me why he would then get some kind of air/bb gun himself.

I am considering moving as I have no support where I am.

 

[emm]

I can’t be sure that it wasn’t sent here accidentally as like I say, he had things delivered here whilst we were together and it may of just been a case that he’s ordered from somewhere he hasn’t ordered from since last year, and just didn’t notice he hadn’t changed the address.
The way he’s behaved the past few months though I can’t be sure. I think if I called the police and it was a deliberate action from him, he would use the excuse that he hasn’t realised the address was wrong anyway. I also think I’d have to reopen the whole case, which was only closed 2 days ago.

My eldest son’s dad has air soft guns that he uses as a hobby, and my ex partner always used to mock him for having them by saying ‘he’s a little boy with his toys’
Really doesn’t make any sense to me why he would then get some kind of air/bb gun himself.

I am considering moving as I have no support where I am.

Instead of calling the police I would go to the station in person if you can tbh, it is more likely to make them remember your case.

In terms of the wrong address I would err on the side of caution anyway, either it is a mistake and he has a gun or he wants to imply to you that he does...

 

[freshhead]

Instead of calling the police I would go to the station in person if you can tbh, it is more likely to make them remember your case.

In terms of the wrong address I would err on the side of caution anyway, either it is a mistake and he has a gun or he wants to imply to you that he does...

It was only last week I made the report so they wouldn’t of forgotten it, you’re also given a crime number so they don’t just forget cases, it’s all there and recorded with the crime number.

I think I’m going to sleep on it and decide in the morning whether to give the police the heads up. Him having a gun could be something innocent to do with air soft or a BB gun, which he can legally have and it also wouldn’t hurt me so I couldn’t take it as a threat. However, I can’t be sure on anything and that includes if the gun is legal. I definitely do not trust him after the incidents of the past few weeks so I need to think of that this evening.

 

[Tommyb]

Report report report. Enough is enough. The logical side should be that he has form for this. It's not a reach to think he sent it on purpose. Protect yourself xx

 

[freshhead]

Report report report. Enough is enough. The logical side should be that he has form for this. It's not a reach to think he sent it on purpose. Protect yourself xx

I’ve literally spent the entirety of the afternoon going round in my head about it, thinking of reasons. Does he expect me to message him and tell him he has a package here so he’d have an excuse to come here and collect it - this seems least likely because as far as I know, from what he’s told me, he’s been with someone else since January, so I have my doubts he’d look for an excuse to come here - although I’ve never met her or have any evidence that she actually exists…
I then deliberated over it just being an accident with the address, but we have been split a year and the laser looks like it’s from Ali express, wish or eBay, and I think it’s highly likely he would of ordered from them previously before now in the past year.
I also thought perhaps he’s trying to hammer in the system that this is his address, after trying to take out his motorbike tax and insurance here. I’ve also received a pension letter here for him, so I’m aware he’s recently changed jobs. He has child maintenance currently watching his every step for an address at the moment, so I wondered if he’s doing things, including now sending parcels here, so that his address keeps coming back to my own.
That explanation still doesn’t explain the object he sent :/ unless it was to intimidate me.
I think you’re right and I should report it, it just feels a lot after only making my decision not to take my initial reports further only 2 days ago.
I found that decision really hard and only really went with it because I have quite a lot of stress to deal with regardless of anything to do with him, in my daily life as a single parent without support and a business to run. I didn’t want to add more stress to my life if I could help it.
I wish I was stronger.

 

[emm]

It was only last week I made the report so they wouldn’t of forgotten it, you’re also given a crime number so they don’t just forget cases, it’s all there and recorded with the crime number.

I think I’m going to sleep on it and decide in the morning whether to give the police the heads up. Him having a gun could be something innocent to do with air soft or a BB gun, which he can legally have and it also wouldn’t hurt me so I couldn’t take it as a threat. However, I can’t be sure on anything and that includes if the gun is legal. I definitely do not trust him after the incidents of the past few weeks so I need to think of that this evening.

It's not avout the crime number etc, it is about them seeing you as a person and so just taking it more seriously. It is human nature to sympathise more with people you know in person

I’ve literally spent the entirety of the afternoon going round in my head about it, thinking of reasons. Does he expect me to message him and tell him he has a package here so he’d have an excuse to come here and collect it - this seems least likely because as far as I know, from what he’s told me, he’s been with someone else since January, so I have my doubts he’d look for an excuse to come here - although I’ve never met her or have any evidence that she actually exists…
I then deliberated over it just being an accident with the address, but we have been split a year and the laser looks like it’s from Ali express, wish or eBay, and I think it’s highly likely he would of ordered from them previously before now in the past year.
I also thought perhaps he’s trying to hammer in the system that this is his address, after trying to take out his motorbike tax and insurance here. I’ve also received a pension letter here for him, so I’m aware he’s recently changed jobs. He has child maintenance currently watching his every step for an address at the moment, so I wondered if he’s doing things, including now sending parcels here, so that his address keeps coming back to my own.
That explanation still doesn’t explain the object he sent :/ unless it was to intimidate me.
I think you’re right and I should report it, it just feels a lot after only making my decision not to take my initial reports further only 2 days ago.
I found that decision really hard and only really went with it because I have quite a lot of stress to deal with regardless of anything to do with him, in my daily life as a single parent without support and a business to run. I didn’t want to add more stress to my life if I could help it.
I wish I was stronger.

You left an abusive man, you are incredibly strong and never think or let anyone tell you otherwise

 

[freshhead]

It's not avout the crime number etc, it is about them seeing you as a person and so just taking it more seriously. It is human nature to sympathise more with people you know in person


You left an abusive man, you are incredibly strong and never think or let anyone tell you otherwise

They come out to the house when you make a report, so they see you in person anyway.
I left him for good, yes, and given my circumstances I do feel strong for that. I just feel weak for not reporting him sooner and then when it came to the crunch I couldn’t go through with taking it further. I don’t know if I’ll find the strength in the future, but the more he does the more I feel pushed

 

[Tommyb]

I’ve literally spent the entirety of the afternoon going round in my head about it, thinking of reasons. Does he expect me to message him and tell him he has a package here so he’d have an excuse to come here and collect it - this seems least likely because as far as I know, from what he’s told me, he’s been with someone else since January, so I have my doubts he’d look for an excuse to come here - although I’ve never met her or have any evidence that she actually exists…
I then deliberated over it just being an accident with the address, but we have been split a year and the laser looks like it’s from Ali express, wish or eBay, and I think it’s highly likely he would of ordered from them previously before now in the past year.
I also thought perhaps he’s trying to hammer in the system that this is his address, after trying to take out his motorbike tax and insurance here. I’ve also received a pension letter here for him, so I’m aware he’s recently changed jobs. He has child maintenance currently watching his every step for an address at the moment, so I wondered if he’s doing things, including now sending parcels here, so that his address keeps coming back to my own.
That explanation still doesn’t explain the object he sent :/ unless it was to intimidate me.
I think you’re right and I should report it, it just feels a lot after only making my decision not to take my initial reports further only 2 days ago.
I found that decision really hard and only really went with it because I have quite a lot of stress to deal with regardless of anything to do with him, in my daily life as a single parent without support and a business to run. I didn’t want to add more stress to my life if I could help it.
I wish I was stronger.

You are incredibly strong that much is obvious to us all on this thread!

You will go round on circles trying to understand the whys of what he's doing and who he is. You won't understand and need to make peace with that because you would never do this to another human being.

The police will be supportive of you reporting. I have been through similar.

If he is using your name please check your credit score. You can actually put a password on it to make sure companies cannot do any searches related to your address/name without your consent.

Also if you are logged into anything he may have passwords for change them.

Good luck. I just think if you do nothing this will be your life. Always. Until he finds someone else to take advantage of. Bullies do not respond to people keeping the peace. He is banking on you doing this. I really do get how hard it is but you need to stand up for yourself and your child XXX

 

[greenvelvet]

Really sorry to hear this is happening to you. It sounds terrifying. It's good you recognise you're being strong and I think with time you'll only get even stronger. Hesitating with reporting is normal. The police won't be annoyed if you come back with more stuff.

Could you show the package to the police, take pictures of it, and then once they're done with it, return it to the sender with "not found at this address", or even contact the company you think it's been ordered from and explain that this person is not found at your address? Do this with things you haven't ordered even if they are addressed to you. I would say there is no need to contact him - treat it as if a stranger has sent something to your address other than making the police aware X

I've done some stuff at work on information security and here's some stuff I think might be helpful:

• Go onto your apps/social media accounts/email addresses/iCloud/Google accounts and log out any devices you're not familiar with
  • https://www. facebook. com/ help/211990645501187
  • https://www.howtogeek.com/447379/how-to-log-all-devices-out-of-your-twitter-account/#:~:text=In the Settings menu, select,to log all devices out
  • Then, immediately change your passwords to something he can't guess, especially your email address, and use MFA/2FA as even if he guesses your passwords, he would have to have access to your phone to get into the account
    • Choose a 12+ character password that is comprised of a few random words that would be memorable to you but not him, combined with special characters and capital letters and numbers again in a way that would be remember (e.g. sWag_Bucket_trEE!441!?)
    • don't write it down anywhere on your devices. Use a different password for each website. You can use Lastpass to securely save your passwords
      • Something I found quite reassuring is that a standard home computer would take literally hundreds of years to crack a good password. Even an industrial hacking computer would take 40 years to guess it & I doubt he has that
• On your phone, don't just use the six digit passcode - use a password in combination with a biometric like a fingerprint or face scan
• Install a ring doorbell
• Turn off precise location on Instagram, snapchat etc
• Limit access to and visibility of your social media accounts, e.g. turning off "friends off friends can view", removing friends, locking your profile...each platform has specific options id recommend
• Second password-proofing your credit score - you can do this with your SIM as well so that he can't intercept a new SIM (contact your network provider to do this)
• Immediately contact a company/org he purchases things from and sends/addresses to you, and your bank if things are taken out in your account
• Remove yourself from open voter's register
• Turn on firewall on your devices - there should be inbuilt settings on Apple, Android, Windows etc, so no need to download anything
• Be skeptical of emails with links. You can input links here to see where they lead (hovering over them works for full links e.g. google.com but not bit.ly, so use this for bit.ly links https://www.virustotal.com/gui/home/upload) This is just if he tries to send you any malware, just thinking because he's already trying to use VPNs
• Screenshot evidence of him trying to get into your accounts

Nothing that happens is ever ever your fault - these are just things that can help protect your information x

 

[freshhead]

Really sorry to hear this is happening to you. It sounds terrifying. It's good you recognise you're being strong and I think with time you'll only get even stronger. Hesitating with reporting is normal. The police won't be annoyed if you come back with more stuff.

Could you show the package to the police, take pictures of it, and then once they're done with it, return it to the sender with "not found at this address", or even contact the company you think it's been ordered from and explain that this person is not found at your address? Do this with things you haven't ordered even if they are addressed to you. I would say there is no need to contact him - treat it as if a stranger has sent something to your address other than making the police aware X

I've done some stuff at work on information security and here's some stuff I think might be helpful:

• Go onto your apps/social media accounts/email addresses/iCloud/Google accounts and log out any devices you're not familiar with
  • https://www. facebook. com/ help/211990645501187
  • https://www.howtogeek.com/447379/how-to-log-all-devices-out-of-your-twitter-account/#:~:text=In the Settings menu, select,to log all devices out
  • Then, immediately change your passwords to something he can't guess, especially your email address, and use MFA/2FA as even if he guesses your passwords, he would have to have access to your phone to get into the account
    • Choose a 12+ character password that is comprised of a few random words that would be memorable to you but not him, combined with special characters and capital letters and numbers again in a way that would be remember (e.g. sWag_Bucket_trEE!441!?)
    • don't write it down anywhere on your devices. Use a different password for each website. You can use Lastpass to securely save your passwords
      • Something I found quite reassuring is that a standard home computer would take literally hundreds of years to crack a good password. Even an industrial hacking computer would take 40 years to guess it & I doubt he has that
• On your phone, don't just use the six digit passcode - use a password in combination with a biometric like a fingerprint or face scan
• Install a ring doorbell
• Turn off precise location on Instagram, snapchat etc
• Limit access to and visibility of your social media accounts, e.g. turning off "friends off friends can view", removing friends, locking your profile...each platform has specific options id recommend
• Second password-proofing your credit score - you can do this with your SIM as well so that he can't intercept a new SIM (contact your network provider to do this)
• Immediately contact a company/org he purchases things from and sends/addresses to you, and your bank if things are taken out in your account
• Remove yourself from open voter's register
• Turn on firewall on your devices - there should be inbuilt settings on Apple, Android, Windows etc, so no need to download anything
• Be skeptical of emails with links. You can input links here to see where they lead (hovering over them works for full links e.g. google.com but not bit.ly, so use this for bit.ly links https://www.virustotal.com/gui/home/upload) This is just if he tries to send you any malware, just thinking because he's already trying to use VPNs
• Screenshot evidence of him trying to get into your accounts

Nothing that happens is ever ever your fault - these are just things that can help protect your information x

Thank you so much for all of that, that’s really kind of you.
I have 2 step authorisation on all my accounts, so it’s very unlikely he will ever get in or guess the passwords. He did know some of my passwords whilst we were together but I changed them. I think it’s the fact he still tries that unsettles me, it’s usually once a week he will have a day where he spends a few hours trying to get in and I will see one after the other of unsuccessful attempts to login on my account.
The post that comes now, gets sent back in the post box to say the person isn’t at this address. I’ll be looking at the name of any more parcels when they are delivered and send back ones with his name on, I just never thought anything would ever come here for him.
Regarding the phone contract, I actually took a phone out for him to start with 4 years ago. I paid for the phone/bill for the first 6 months as a gift and then he continued to pay it from then.
The first time it was due for an upgrade, I told him that he’d have to upgrade in his own name as I didn’t want another contract taken out against my name. He promised he’d done it al legit in his name, but it turned out he’d just gone in to the app to upgrade, used my details and put his bank details in as the bill payer. I think he thought I’d never find out, but I got a letter through to say thanks for upgrading shortly after.
Of course he denied everything and said he’d put his own details in and not mine. The phone company said he would of had to put my details in. Still don’t know the truth to this day of what he actually did, he did pay for the phone each month despite what he did. As the contract is due for an upgrade in December I wasn’t going to take any chances of him taking an upgrade out in my name again, hence why I paid to cancel and pay the remainder of the contract. I decided I’d rather do that than potentially him take an upgrade out, and if he really wanted to he could of decided not to pay and then I would of owed the entirety of a new phone.
I don’t have anyone I don’t know on social media. I have a public account for my business, but I refuse to have them private as I’d feel like he had control over me in that respect.
I have screenshots of all the VPN attempts on hotmail and I never open any dodgy emails or dodgy links.
I think I’ve got myself covered as best I can. The police have advised me to take out a non molestation order against him if anything else happens (this was before yesterdays parcel was delivered)
I think my best option now is to take up the opportunity to move and be back with family and friends for support.