What would you consider a "red flag" in a partner?

[LilacAries]

doesn’t like me having friends, ignores me during an “argument”, cancels plans 24/7, is racist/homophobic etc etc, is a tory, has bad political views, gets arsey about me going on nights out, accuses me of cheating for no reason, doesn’t have a job or money, leaches off me

defo not listing stuff my ex did HaHa

 

[LilacAries]

also hate mummy’s boys. i swear my ex wanted to finger his mum

 

[vanish]

I had an ex who constantly liked other women’s selfies on insta and most of them were half naked bikini ones or glammed up photos He would also get funny about being seen with me in public and make tons of excuses like working late, being too busy or feeling ill

 

[DCICassieStuart]

also hate mummy’s boys. i swear my ex wanted to finger his mum

He wasn't called Oedipus by any chance?

 

[ConfusedMango]

The inability to sincerely say sorry and take responsibility for a situation. Look out for a half hearted, sarcastic ‘I apologise...’ or ‘I’m sorry, BUT...’ or just no apology at all.

I spent 6 years apologising on my ex’s behalf because it made life easier. This gave him the ammo to gaslight me and make me out to be in the wrong all the time.

Avoid these types like the plague.

 

[sleepyjoe]

I may get no replies im abit late to the thread what does gaslight mean? Or an exmaple of it?

 

[JoeBloggs]

I may get no replies im abit late to the thread what does gaslight mean? Or an exmaple of it?

Gaslighting - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

 

[TheScarletgirl]

Keeping in touch with an ex . unless you have kids i don't see why you need to be friends or talk to them .

Blowing hot and cold . I was dating one manchild who chased me relentlessly for 6 months when i did start to like him and want to progress he switched to his trueself , an egoistic idiot .

Another is taking ages to reply back to text or calls.

 

[Consumerism_fatigue]

I am TERRIBLE at picking up on red flags, or I do see them, but choose to ignore them as I keep dating their “potential”, rather than who they are. What I’ve learnt now is that people don’t change. They grow, sure, but don’t fundamentally change.

Sounds obvious but one thing I’m taking forwards is if my friends have question marks or seem concerned, LISTEN

 

[no-no]

I know people say “if they’re rude to reception/waiting staff” etc but I‘ve found the bad eggs are typically overly nice to “the outside” world. They’re really patient with that chatty neighbour but lose their rag with you over nothing. A lot of unpleasant people in relationships will be nice as pie to everyone so no one suspects they’re the issue. They’re typically narcissists too so love feeling like a great guy/woman with minimal effort. People on the outside generally fall for it, unfortunately.

 

[realhousewivewannabe]

I agree with following half naked ig people, also if they follow “men’s fashion/gentleman’s fashion/ ig pages” - I don’t think it’s hard to have your own style
If they post only selfies
Don’t have any tagged pictures on Instagram (it’s only their own that they’ve tagged themselves in)
likes every random girls picture
Follows everyone that follows them - if you don’t know them why bother?
Lives like a university student even though they’ve had a career for years
Speaks badly about their exes
Doesn’t introduce you to any family or friends
Doesn’t seem to have any friends only hangs out With siblings.

goes missing on texts but you’ve seen them post on social media or WhatsApp last seen is recent


ok writing this I’ve realised the list is endless

 

[Horatio]

The inability to sincerely say sorry and take responsibility for a situation. Look out for a half hearted, sarcastic ‘I apologise...’ or ‘I’m sorry, BUT...’ or just no apology at all.

I spent 6 years apologising on my ex’s behalf because it made life easier. This gave him the ammo to gaslight me and make me out to be in the wrong all the time.

Avoid these types like the plague.

Yesss. I discovered a YouTube channel called ‘surviving narcissism’ run by two professionals and it’s very enlightening. I had always thought of my ex as a narcissist, but defined that by the more well known traits - self centred, entitlement, no interest in others etc But some of these videos described things my ex would do I had always thought of as a specific personality trait of his, rather than a typical trait of narcissists. It blew my mind how accurate it was, honestly.

the inability to apologise is an absolute classic and something I abhor in people. I would only hear the word “sorry” when he wanted me to stop being angry about whatever it was. As time would go on he would refer to the incident differently, and change the narrative to shift the blame from himself. “I’m sorry if you felt that way” “I did it because you did this” were often heard.
I relate to you saying you would take the blame. As would I, in situations were both of us were at fault, so I would seem always in the wrong as he couldn’t take responsibility like that.
sorry for the ramble but point is - inability to take responsibility for your actions should be a big red flag ! Even something as small as forgetting to put the bins out. If they can’t accept blame for that they won’t for something more important.

 

[Lolly505]

I may get no replies im abit late to the thread what does gaslight mean? Or an exmaple of it?

While it wasn't a romantic relationship, I experienced gaslighting quite a bit in what I came to realise was a really toxic friend group. For instance, if I ever remembered something that the other girls didn't, it was never 'oh, I don't remember that, sorry' but always "that didn't happen" and/or "you're making that up"(mostly from the 'queen bee' of the group). Even if it was something as innocuous as just mentioning something from a conversation we'd had previously - even when I could remember it clearly and was so sure that pinpoint exactly where we were when it happened - I had to be lying about it because they were always right Yet if I ever didn't remember something, it was my fault for 'not paying attention' or 'not listening', etc.
It might seem like a minor thing and I know my experience definitely wasn't as extreme as some people's, but it definitely has an impact. While I can't remember exactly what I said to cause one particular argument, I still remember those feelings of doubt and humiliation because of how frosty they'd turn over nothing and how belittling it was to be called a liar by my closest friends (in public)

But that kind of unwillingness to believe they could be in the wrong is a massive red flag to me now. Same as when anyone instantly acts somebody like somebody is a stick in the mud for not 'getting a joke' or for letting them break rules, etc - any outright refusal to hold their hands up and apologise or at least acknowledge maybe their behaviour wasn't right/appropriate just speaks volumes about how little that person respects others imo.

 

[Theteawithz]

I answered a question in another thread and mentioned an ex who to me gave off major red flags, one of the things was being really clingy and over the top to me but for some that's endearing. Just wondered what people consider red flags in a new relationship?

I have a list as long as my arm I was with my ex for over a year, the red flags where there and I chose not to see them but I found some of it awfully weird. I questioned it until it got dangerous.
It started... All his ex’s were psychos - but he continued to sleep with one on the side and she was with another guy
Out the blue I was getting ready for work one morning and he hits out with If you cheat on me, Ul end up in a body bag. And laughed it off. I went to work so bloody confused.
It stopped when he caught an std - which he blamed on me but when I was clean and he wasn’t.
He wanted to take me and my son on holiday (Said no I’m over protective of my son).
He told me he loved me after a week.
3 weeks he bought an engagement ring (said no of course).
When I was sleeping or out the room he would check my phone - I had nothing to hide all he had to do was ask to see my phone and I’d give him it.
He would buy me things out the blue - this was to cover his guilty conscious of cheating.
He was also up to his eyeballs in debt.
Was on a double date, I dress the way I’d dress for a then 27 year old, and by the end of the night he was calling me for everything. All because of this dress. next morning I pulled him for it and threw him out my house.
Over time I realised he had no friends And his family wasn’t very nice to him.
He lived with his gran but spoke to her like tit. I witnessed him actually screaming in her face I felt scared for her and removed him from her house. he ended up staying with me for 8 days and overstayed his welcome when I came home from work and He literally looked through my full house - at letters, my sons iPad, it was like he was trying to find something he couldn’t find. Yeh he had some serious trust issues, I gave him no reason to believe I was cheating. But it was just another way of him cheating if I was.
he ended up in hospital with a hernia for 3 days, I was the only one that visited no one else. he was texting on his phone when I walked in, gave him a cuddle and noticed his ex’s name on the phone. I walked out. apparently I didn’t care about him
he hid my pill I fell pregnant, and I lost the baby.
I couldn’t get “drunk drunk” in front of him.
he made me discard all my friends, he hated the fact I had friends that were guys.
6 months in he permanently scarred me for life.
He scared me to the point we ended up back together - stupid I know. About a week later stories of his history of DV began to surface.
This was a blessing as this made me realise the triggers and made me realise how dangerous he was.
i got accused of cheating numerous times
he did beat me again this time I thought I was going to die.
Everytime I tried to leave him I got the tiny tears and excuses he has no one. Or he Would try to kill himself in the end I had enough of walking on egg shells. The beatings I could take the mental abuse was the worst. He has now had 2 partners who have left him. first one he cheated on me with and that was my queue to leave, honestly never felt so glad. Last I heard she was pregnant with his kid but got an abortion. The latest one that left he was putting marriage on her constantly as she was a business owner and wanted to focus on that.

 

[Peakyblinders]

- Liking other girls pics on instagram even though you have said you dont like it
- Never accepting any responsibility or admitting when they are in the wrong
- Blaming everything on you (gaslighting)
- Never saying sorry
- Too close (controlled by) Mom
- Ignoring you rather than communicating

 

[Idontliketogossipbut]

Being jealous of time spent with own friends or family.
Having no long term friends.
Being estranged from whole of family, unless have long term friends who,are normal.

 

[Mayday]

I know this is oldish but thought I'd revive it:

- Too much of a party animal and spends most of their disposable income on alcohol.
- Overly into gambling/betting.
- Favourite artist is Drake or Eminem. They're always fuckboys.
- Calls women sluts/whores yet admits they've hooked up a lot themselves.
- Says 'you're not like other girls' and thinks its a compliment.
- If they exclusively go for younger women. Obviously its not always the case but I do side-eye men who are in their 30s who only seem to go after women in their early 20s. It feels like a power imbalance thing or a 'I want someone younger and hotter than me' thing.
- Seem to hold a grudge against all of their exes - even when they may have been the problem.
- Won't talk about their feelings.
- Won't introduce you to family/friends or doesn't want to meet yours.
- Won't eat vegetables. (Maybe this one is also petty but I just find it cringey when grown men only eat beige or fast food)

 

[Raininvain]

Any type of tightness, not wanting to pay their way properly or counting things out to the last penny. Calling anyone at all they have fallen out with a lunatic or a nutter etc. Being very boring, not wanting to go out and do things, just wanting to sit in all the time(I know its different at the moment but under normal circumstances).Being unkind or laughing at other peoples serious problems. Talking about themselves continually and showing no interest in others etc. Having drug/alcohol/gambling issues etc. Being unreliable. Any history of domestic violence or verbal abuse etc. Having kids they have nothing to do with and also don't pay for them. That's a few I can think of.

Another is being a liar or bigging themselves up.Why say you came to live in this city to manage a nightclub when you were the cleaner.lol

 

[Rockin' Robin]

Someone who smiles when they look at you, but the moment you turn away the smile disappears.

 

[ClockworkDolly]

Constantly talking about their exes
Calling you by their exes name
Trust issues, wanting to know what you are doing on a daily basis, this turns into hourly when they show their "true nutters colours"
Lying
Constantly staring at other women whilst he/she is with you
Asking for a door key a month after you have met