My mom was diagnosed with cancer in January 2013, we fought it, it went into remission, it came back, fought it, went into remission again and then came back in high force and it was too late. The doctors told us they could not do anything more for her in November 2015. The month I got pregnant after trying to get pregnant for a year. You can imagine how she felt that she would not get to see her granddaughter.
She died in May 2016 after so many months of pain, basically she struggled to die all in agony. People whom you tell someone died from cancer think they died like in the movies, silent and all of the sudden. So f***ing false. It takes a person so much time to die from cancer, one of the most horrible deaths. The worst were the final 3 weeks, because by this time the cancer took away her walking ability, her eye sight, her speech and her mind. She transformed from my loving mother to a very difficult person who could not be satisfied with anything. My dad was on edge with her and I had to constantly intervene to calm them down. The mother I knew all my life as a beautiful very posh woman was now a tortured debilitated human being. She was always looking at me like she was begging me to save her. You cannot imagine how torturing it is to see your mother in this state and not be able to do anything. How cruel nature can be! My father and I watched over her day and night, and still had to work, so we had to take turns. The night she died I had just stepped out. It's like she knew I left and decided to spare me the pain and died in my absence. By this time, I was 6 months and a half pregnant. Until I gave birth I could not truly cry and mourn her because I could feel my baby descend from the motions my abdomen was making while crying and I was scared of having a miscarriage or a premature birth. So I had to learn to keep everything inside. Once I gave birth, my baby was extremely fussy. Didn't sleep and wanted to breastfeed all the time. So i was awake 20 hours a day, breasts were sore and bloody, my husband didn't support me at all. He was absent for the final 4 months of my pregnancy so I was all alone for my mother's death. The fact that I could not mourn my mom exacerbated my post partum depression and I had 2 suicide attempts in the first 8 months. The constant struggle of feeling guilty that I wanted out versus the fact that I had a baby depending on me was exhausting. For a full year after my mother's death I has PTSD. All the friends that I thought I had didn't ever so much as call to see how I was. My mother in law ignored me and my baby. At times I would not even get to eat because my baby was crying all the time and I had to hold her, but no one cared.
Babes, I am posting this to ask you to do what no one did for me when I needed it. When you hear someone has a relative who is struggling with cancer make them a homecooked meal and bring it to them. Give them a hug while they cry. Or at least give them a call. Especially if they are pregnant. No one should have to go through what I went through.
Now, after 4 years I can say I am better, but I can honestly say I can not smile the way I did before my mother's illness. My entire concept of what is important in life has changed and I am not sure this is a good thing. I am tougher and more mature, but the cost was too much.
One good thing that came out of this experience was that I am truly grateful to be alive everyday.
She died 2 years ago from alcoholic liver disease and I did think of telling her on her death bed but then thought there’s no point. I still fell so angry all the time (I don’t speak to my brother but he lives near so see him sometimes) but you can’t let the anger weigh you down. I’m reading a few self help books so hopefully that will help.
