What has made you break up with your boyfriend/divorce your husband?

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My Mum was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer, when she was in the hospital dying I asked my then bf to come as I was dealing with it all alone (no Dad, little brother couldn't handle it and older brother lived away with his wife and kids). He said he couldn't come because he wanted to go cycling. For context we lived together, had been together for 4 years and I was madly in love with him, we were also both in our early 30s. My Mum only lasted 23 days from diagnosis to death, I spilt up with my bf two months after my Mum's death. I felt like my whole world had ended but I knew I didn't want a life with someone who could behave like that.

My mum was diagnosed just before Christmas and my then bf also refused to come to the hospital with on Christmas Day to see my Mum as he found it tiring. I think he came to the hospital twice in that whole period.
 
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I left because after being with him for 6 years and there being no other reasons not to start trying I realised that I didn’t want him to be the father of my children. We had grown apart by this point and I didn’t feel like we’d be a team if we had kids, that held just expect me to do everything whilst he carried on doing his thing. It was the right choice.
I can relate to this so damn much, i dont know how i feel about kids, but i know i dont want them with my current partner...( in the process of getting things sorted to leave) ive worked all the way through the pandemic, 40 hours a week as a community care worker. My OH has been on furlough since 23rd of march and He has washed up twice and hoovered 3 times. Never once walked the dog, i have come home every day cooked and cleaned l spent at least 1 hour per day walking the dog, and he makes out like i have to earn sex and that im not nice to him. Everytime i point out (however nicely) that hes not helping me he thinks im being unreasonable. Had it been the other way around, i would have never expected him to lift a finger and if i did i would have been laughed at and got told 'im at work why should i.' we are not a team and the more time goes on the more i cant wait to get out and live my own life. We have been together for almost 11 years and its the last 5 that things have started to go down hill. Im just sorry its taken me so long to get to the point im at now.
 
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He told me I’d cheated-for the 1001th time
i hadn’t (I swear to god I hadn’t)
(he also supported the bmp-my son is half caste)
but something just snapped and I ended it

it felt like a million bricks had been lifted-I was free

another one ran off with my best mate
it didn’t work out and they’ve both come grovelling back but I told them both to go jump

another one (he’s in the police force) laughed when I hope him I’d been raped-and rang the fella(his mate) to tell him what I’d said!
i can’t prove it (he told me over the phone) but I’ll never forgive him for A.telling him and B.standing by him

im with a top bloke now and I just want to go back and slap me into next week
 
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Left mine because he racked up £12,000 of debt after my parents had previously bailed him out of £10,000.
 
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Constant arguing but the final straw was on his actual birthday, instead of spending time with me he went to the pub with his mates to watch the footy. I then found out some girls I vaguely knew were meeting them there and I still hadn’t been invited along.

To clarify, we didn’t really have anything couple-y organised for another day to celebrate. This was the weds and at the weekend he was going away with the lads. He said he could squeeze a meal in with me on the Friday but he didn’t wanna stay over at mine 😂🤣 I look back and just laugh at how ridiculous it was that I even went along with it for so long!
 
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Iv just had enough and left my husband at the weekend. Things haven’t been great since last year, I found out he had been using our savings to buy weed and coke which I knew nothing about for months. He started disappearing for a night here and there and lying about silly things. However I tried to make it work on and we bn getting on ok then his mum passed away about 8wks ago. She was quite ill and tbh I had been expecting it but I think my husband was still in denial(also think using drugs was his way of dealing with her being ill) Anyway turns out his mum didn’t have any Life Insurance/savings so I offered to pay for the funeral from my own savings (I haven’t contributed to the joint acc since he spent all the money last year) and organised the full thing, then dealt with getting her house ready to be sold etc. He’s been off work and has been laying in bed til 1ish every day and staying up til 4am, Iv told him it’s not fair as we have 3kids and one has ASD and only sleeps 4-5hrs a night (if I’m lucky) meaning I’m the one dealing with it all. One night last week he told me he was going to the shop and didn’t come home, turned his phone off. He was gone 2days and I was gonna phone the police to report him missing when he appeared and honestly he didn’t give a damn about it. Told me I was selfish and only cared about myself! I couldn’t get a straight answer to where he had been or what he had been doing so I took the kids and left. I still love him but what he’s going through doesn’t excuse his behaviour and I need to put my kids first. Quite scared if I’m being honest as we have been together 11years but I do feel like I’ve been a single parent the last year anyway☹
 
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Iv just had enough and left my husband at the weekend. Things haven’t been great since last year, I found out he had been using our savings to buy weed and coke which I knew nothing about for months. He started disappearing for a night here and there and lying about silly things. However I tried to make it work on and we bn getting on ok then his mum passed away about 8wks ago. She was quite ill and tbh I had been expecting it but I think my husband was still in denial(also think using drugs was his way of dealing with her being ill) Anyway turns out his mum didn’t have any Life Insurance/savings so I offered to pay for the funeral from my own savings (I haven’t contributed to the joint acc since he spent all the money last year) and organised the full thing, then dealt with getting her house ready to be sold etc. He’s been off work and has been laying in bed til 1ish every day and staying up til 4am, Iv told him it’s not fair as we have 3kids and one has ASD and only sleeps 4-5hrs a night (if I’m lucky) meaning I’m the one dealing with it all. One night last week he told me he was going to the shop and didn’t come home, turned his phone off. He was gone 2days and I was gonna phone the police to report him missing when he appeared and honestly he didn’t give a damn about it. Told me I was selfish and only cared about myself! I couldn’t get a straight answer to where he had been or what he had been doing so I took the kids and left. I still love him but what he’s going through doesn’t excuse his behaviour and I need to put my kids first. Quite scared if I’m being honest as we have been together 11years but I do feel like I’ve been a single parent the last year anyway☹

Thats disgraceful, behaving like that when he has 3 children. I know people have troubles and go off the rails when greiving, but to have the audacity to call you selfish is just awful. You sound like a wonderful mum and person. Its very scary, moreso im sure with kids but you all deserve to be happy. I think you have been so bloody brave and good for you for standing your ground and leaving him.

Iv just had enough and left my husband at the weekend. Things haven’t been great since last year, I found out he had been using our savings to buy weed and coke which I knew nothing about for months. He started disappearing for a night here and there and lying about silly things. However I tried to make it work on and we bn getting on ok then his mum passed away about 8wks ago. She was quite ill and tbh I had been expecting it but I think my husband was still in denial(also think using drugs was his way of dealing with her being ill) Anyway turns out his mum didn’t have any Life Insurance/savings so I offered to pay for the funeral from my own savings (I haven’t contributed to the joint acc since he spent all the money last year) and organised the full thing, then dealt with getting her house ready to be sold etc. He’s been off work and has been laying in bed til 1ish every day and staying up til 4am, Iv told him it’s not fair as we have 3kids and one has ASD and only sleeps 4-5hrs a night (if I’m lucky) meaning I’m the one dealing with it all. One night last week he told me he was going to the shop and didn’t come home, turned his phone off. He was gone 2days and I was gonna phone the police to report him missing when he appeared and honestly he didn’t give a damn about it. Told me I was selfish and only cared about myself! I couldn’t get a straight answer to where he had been or what he had been doing so I took the kids and left. I still love him but what he’s going through doesn’t excuse his behaviour and I need to put my kids first. Quite scared if I’m being honest as we have been together 11years but I do feel like I’ve been a single parent the last year anyway☹

Thats disgraceful, behaving like that when he has 3 children. I know people have troubles and go off the rails when greiving, but to have the audacity to call you selfish is just awful. You sound like a wonderful mum and person. Its very scary, moreso im sure with kids but you all deserve to be happy. I think you have been so bloody brave and good for you for standing your ground and leaving him.
 
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Iv just had enough and left my husband at the weekend. Things haven’t been great since last year, I found out he had been using our savings to buy weed and coke which I knew nothing about for months. He started disappearing for a night here and there and lying about silly things. However I tried to make it work on and we bn getting on ok then his mum passed away about 8wks ago. She was quite ill and tbh I had been expecting it but I think my husband was still in denial(also think using drugs was his way of dealing with her being ill) Anyway turns out his mum didn’t have any Life Insurance/savings so I offered to pay for the funeral from my own savings (I haven’t contributed to the joint acc since he spent all the money last year) and organised the full thing, then dealt with getting her house ready to be sold etc. He’s been off work and has been laying in bed til 1ish every day and staying up til 4am, Iv told him it’s not fair as we have 3kids and one has ASD and only sleeps 4-5hrs a night (if I’m lucky) meaning I’m the one dealing with it all. One night last week he told me he was going to the shop and didn’t come home, turned his phone off. He was gone 2days and I was gonna phone the police to report him missing when he appeared and honestly he didn’t give a damn about it. Told me I was selfish and only cared about myself! I couldn’t get a straight answer to where he had been or what he had been doing so I took the kids and left. I still love him but what he’s going through doesn’t excuse his behaviour and I need to put my kids first. Quite scared if I’m being honest as we have been together 11years but I do feel like I’ve been a single parent the last year anyway☹
Oh my goodness there are no words. You've been so brave. Sending many virtual hugs xx
 
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Iv just had enough and left my husband at the weekend. Things haven’t been great since last year, I found out he had been using our savings to buy weed and coke which I knew nothing about for months. He started disappearing for a night here and there and lying about silly things. However I tried to make it work on and we bn getting on ok then his mum passed away about 8wks ago. She was quite ill and tbh I had been expecting it but I think my husband was still in denial(also think using drugs was his way of dealing with her being ill) Anyway turns out his mum didn’t have any Life Insurance/savings so I offered to pay for the funeral from my own savings (I haven’t contributed to the joint acc since he spent all the money last year) and organised the full thing, then dealt with getting her house ready to be sold etc. He’s been off work and has been laying in bed til 1ish every day and staying up til 4am, Iv told him it’s not fair as we have 3kids and one has ASD and only sleeps 4-5hrs a night (if I’m lucky) meaning I’m the one dealing with it all. One night last week he told me he was going to the shop and didn’t come home, turned his phone off. He was gone 2days and I was gonna phone the police to report him missing when he appeared and honestly he didn’t give a damn about it. Told me I was selfish and only cared about myself! I couldn’t get a straight answer to where he had been or what he had been doing so I took the kids and left. I still love him but what he’s going through doesn’t excuse his behaviour and I need to put my kids first. Quite scared if I’m being honest as we have been together 11years but I do feel like I’ve been a single parent the last year anyway☹
Wow this sounds so difficult, I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this! I think you have definitely made the right decision and will be far better off in the long run.
 
This, 100%. It's so easy to say this sitting from the outside, but if it hurts you then that's what matters. It's valid and accepted for you to feel hurt by that. It's not ok for your partner to invalidate your feelings and dismiss them because he doesn't agree.

If you're asking the question then you must have doubts about the relationship, but it's also really tough walking away from any relationship. Take time to think things through, talk with family/friends. Look after yourself x
Thank you it's insightful reading all the replies this has gotten, I did talk to him about how it affected me and he apologized sincerely. I know that I deeply love him and so does he, but there are some question marks here and there about values matching up - I want kids and so far he hates them (ex)
 
I was in a mentally and physically abusive relationship which I wanted to leave for a while. I then got pregnant so decided to stay and try work things out. He wasn't physically abusive during the pregnancy. When the baby was about 2 weeks old he started going for me again even when i was holding the baby. One day I was sitting peacefully holding the baby and the vile person picked the jug of water up I used to cool the baby's milk down and just chucked it over us both. I know it was just water but it was the final straw for me. I packed our stuff and never went back. He's not seen or spoken to me or my daughter for years now which is for the best.
 
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I was in a mentally and physically abusive relationship which I wanted to leave for a while. I then got pregnant so decided to stay and try work things out. He wasn't physically abusive during the pregnancy. When the baby was about 2 weeks old he started going for me again even when i was holding the baby. One day I was sitting peacefully holding the baby and the vile person picked the jug of water up I used to cool the baby's milk down and just chucked it over us both. I know it was just water but it was the final straw for me. I packed our stuff and never went back. He's not seen or spoken to me or my daughter for years now which is for the best.
Well done for leaving it must of been incredibly tough to and taken a lot of strength!
Abusers are cowards!
I too was in a very similar situation to you.
I wasnt with the father of my child for long before I found out i was pregnant and was going to end it just before I found out. I ended up staying with him because I thought it was the right thing to do.
The bravest thing is to ever to stand up to an abuser it took me a few years and a cracked forehead but it was the biggest lesson.
 
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