Useless elderly dad advice

[Hinchhater1442]

Have you spoken to your local adult services? If your dad is ‘fit’ enough to still live in his own home then he could be eligible for either care visits (up to 4 times a day) to support with washing/dressing/meals etc.. or even a live in carer if you downsize him to a place with a spare bedroom. Of course his finances would come into play here, but it’s an option for him to stay at home and keep his dog

 

[Tide'sout]

Maybe worth looking at anchor.org.uk. It is called extra care housing. Flats with in-house carers. You can have as little or as much care as you need. They have a dining room open at lunchtime with a main meal choice, bit like school dinners. Again you don't have to have this but most residents do. Our local one has a weekly program of events, like speakers, singers, bingo, indoor bowls. At our one some flats have a balcony or outside space. For those that don't, they can have a giant planter in the garden if they wish. Some residents do have small well behaved dogs. It worked for my parents and our lovely neighbours when one of them unexpectedly suffered a stroke.

So sorry to hear about your mum, hope you can find a place where you know dad is safe and happy

 

[SwishSwing]

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your mum. Please remember during this time to take time for yourself and to be kind to yourself as well. While you're doing an amazing thing for your parents, and your dad, please remember you can't sip from an empty cup.

Secondly, and to answer your question. My grampa lived alone for years after my granny passed away and for as long as I can remember he's had someone assist him with it. To begin with, it was a cleaner who came in a couple of times a week. Did his washing, general housework and the like. He was still capable of cooking for himself at this point. When that changed, we got him the meal delivery service (marketed at older people). This went on for a while until he stopped looking after himself properly. So we then got carers in, they came morning and night to begin with before we then upped it eventually to four times a day by the end (each meal time and one at bedtime). They assisted with washing him, preparing meals and distribution of medication (but family had to arrange the medication). Finally, after a couple of years of this he went into a care home. He was SO reluctant to do so for such a long time (I think he believed you went in the care home and didn't come back out so to speak). However we popped him in for a "respite trip" (AKA as a trial trip), and by the end of that two weeks he didn't want to come home again. He is THRIVING there now, they have daily activities and people coming in. He can spend time in the day room or his own space and he's admitted he wishes we'd done that sooner, but knows he was the one putting the brakes on it earlier.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say (going a long way for a shortcut) is that it may not be an easy few years, his needs may change and you may need some various options.

My advice would be is to reach out to your local council and speak to them about options. Assisted living/sheltered accommodation was never an option for us (these houses where I am are like gold dust!), but my old neighbour is in a building which has a self contained flat and she can come and go as she would any other flat, but there's security measures in each of her rooms and someone downstairs at reception at all times. That may be an option? But your council should be able to direct you.

I wish you and your family lots of love in the coming weeks and months.

Take care

 

[MavisBeacon]

Have you spoken to your local adult services? If your dad is ‘fit’ enough to still live in his own home then he could be eligible for either care visits (up to 4 times a day) to support with washing/dressing/meals etc.. or even a live in carer if you downsize him to a place with a spare bedroom. Of course his finances would come into play here, but it’s an option for him to stay at home and keep his dog

Thanks for the advice. I think he can live independently for a few more years, but definitely needs help with housekeeping (laundry, cleaning etc). I expect we will have to pay for it as he has money. It's just knowing what the best thing to spend it on is!

I think the biggest decision is whether we try and move him into a 2 bed bungalow or garden flat and see how he gets on, or go straight for a more community-based thing to start with.

 

[Tide'sout]

Thank you x they have some places nearby, so I'll add it to the list of ideas. We need to properly figure out budget and options once the dust has settled.
It feels like living in a surreal nightmare.

Aww love. I've been in that surreal nightmare believe me, but come out the other side. You will too. Stay strong you will work it out in the end

 

[MavisBeacon]

Maybe worth looking at anchor.org.uk. It is called extra care housing. Flats with in-house carers. You can have as little or as much care as you need. They have a dining room open at lunchtime with a main meal choice, bit like school dinners. Again you don't have to have this but most residents do. Our local one has a weekly program of events, like speakers, singers, bingo, indoor bowls. At our one some flats have a balcony or outside space. For those that don't, they can have a giant planter in the garden if they wish. Some residents do have small well behaved dogs. It worked for my parents and our lovely neighbours when one of them unexpectedly suffered a stroke.

So sorry to hear about your mum, hope you can find a place where you know dad is safe and happy

Thank you x they have some places nearby, so I'll add it to the list of ideas. We need to properly figure out budget and options once the dust has settled.
It feels like living in a surreal nightmare.

 

[MavisBeacon]

In a turn of events that none of us expected, my mum is rapidly dying of cancer and is in her final weeks.

My dad (78) is one of the generation of men who has never had to look after himself - boarding school, posh uni then married to mum who was a full time stay at home mum and did everything around the house except empty the bins and load the dishwasher.

He's partly disabled (very weak arm, difficulty walking), doesn't know how to grocery shop or cook, doesn't do laundry (I've literally just taught him this week how to use the washing machine) etc etc etc.

There is also a small dog in the mix, which we think should stay with him as long as he's capable of keeping her fed and safe. If not, I'll take her.

Also we are going to have to sell the family home as it's far too big for him to cope with (he is fine with this).

We are lucky enough to have some money, especially once the house is sold and dad inherits mum's savings.

I'm currently living here as a full time carer for all of them (and trying to run a business ) but at some point I'm going to have to go back to my normal life. I live fairly close by (40 mins) so i can pop over once a week or in emergencies but i can't look after him in the long term (certainly not if i want to keep my relationship with Mr Beacon or my livelihood....). I have another sister in London but she has small kids and a selfish dickhead husband so can't do much.

Dad is on board with the idea of moving into some kind of sheltered accommodation/pensioner camp (he is effectively institutionalised, and not really capable of independent living in the long term) but that will take a while to sort out.

I would welcome advice from any Tattlers who've been in a similar situation about ideas for things we should think about, housing and care options etc etc. Things that worked, things that really didn't.