Unsupportive partner in grief.

[UnderThePalmTree]

It’s hard for me to write this so I’ll try to make this as short as possible but I just desperately need some advice or some kind words..

On Christmas my grandpa passed away which left me in absolute ruins and now just few months after him my sweet sweet dear grandma is in hospital basically just hours…days away too, and I’m lost. I’m so confused, scared…Everything. And one person who should be there for me now and support me is just...not doing it.
My family lives in a different country so there is no one around me to chat, have a shoulder to cry on, ask for a hug.. Any my partner is just so… cold and looks like he doesn’t even care.
When I start to talk about my grandparents he kinda tries to shut it down and move the conversation somewhere else. He never gave me a hug. He constantly keeps telling me to stop crying,life happens, all of us is gonna die, you gotta be strong! Yeah but I don’t want to be strong!! I can’t right now! And he doesn’t understand that. If I try to say something or share some memory he kinda listens but at the end doesn’t look very interested or just keeps checking the phone.
I feel so alone, so lonely and desperate that I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to talk to him because every conversation turns into argument that I shouldn’t be crying again..
Anyone has any idea how to deal with it alone? How to survive without your closet and dearest person supporting you?
Thank you.

 

[PineappleQueen19]

I am so, so sorry for your losses. It is a lot to bear.

Unfortunately you cannot make your partner be supportive. I’m sorry they can’t be what you need.

For now I would focus on giving yourself what you need. Be gentle with yourself. Allow time to grieve and cry. Writing down your feelings each day to process everything might help (Google Julia Cameron morning pages). Walks in nature if possible. You may need to sleep a lot - that’s ok, don’t fight it.

Not now but in time you can re-evaluate what you want in a life partner and make changes to your life if necessary. You are allowed to have needs and to be with someone who can meet them.

Sending love

 

[TheSlayer]

Truly and deeply sorry for your loss.

Only insight I can offer, I do that see sometimes some people are so lost, so scared of their own immortality they freeze and come out with tripe.

it’s not excusing him and it not validating him in any way. It’s just a possible view.

None of us on an anonymous forum can give you anything other than a virtual hug which is freely given by me.

 

[justheretoread99]

Losing a grandparent is truly heartbreaking. I’m so sorry

My Nan passed away in December a few years ago, so I can really relate how awful it is to lose someone so close to Christmas. I’m even more sorry to hear your grandma is in hospital too.

It was awful to think about my nan at the end of her life in hospital, but the best comfort for me was knowing there were nurses caring for her and she was not alone.

We all process emotions and grief differently. So it’s really upsetting when the ones we want around us to comfort us don’t act the way we would like them to.

You definitely should cry when you want to and need to. Please don’t bottle your emotions in just because your partner tells you to “stop crying”.

Some men don’t like showing their emotions, and just don’t know how to handle them. Like the post above, it doesn’t excuse him when he should be able to comfort you.

Just take each day as it comes. Grief comes in waves. Cry when you need to and please reach out to your family wether that be via phone calls/FaceTime x x

 

[UnderThePalmTree]

Thank you for the kind words.
Unfortunately after her husbands death my grandma was so broken, lost and depressed that it was too much for her and she passed away exactly 2 months later on the same date - 26.02. Even her funeral was held on the same date..

That being said, my BF is still a fool. I don’t tell him anything anymore. If I need to cry, I cry alone late at night or when he’s out. If I need to get something out, I just swallow it because there’s just no point. Every response from him is just so uninterested and dull so I don’t even try any more.
Last night I told him that I still struggle every day, I think about them every day and it’s so hard for me for which his response was to get up and go the kitchen… I mean.
So yeah thank you again for the nice words, seriously in this situation means a lot to me.

 

[Babyyoda88]

Thank you for the kind words.
Unfortunately after her husbands death my grandma was so broken, lost and depressed that it was too much for her and she passed away exactly 2 months later on the same date - 26.02. Even her funeral was held on the same date..

That being said, my BF is still a fool. I don’t tell him anything anymore. If I need to cry, I cry alone late at night or when he’s out. If I need to get something out, I just swallow it because there’s just no point. Every response from him is just so uninterested and dull so I don’t even try any more.
Last night I told him that I still struggle every day, I think about them every day and it’s so hard for me for which his response was to get up and go the kitchen… I mean.
So yeah thank you again for the nice words, seriously in this situation means a lot to me.

I’m heartbroken for you, loosing my grandparents was so tough. I think about them everyday. My grandad’s death in particular broke my heart in pieces I would cry every day, it still brings a tear to my eyes thinking of him and he died at the end of 2010.

Please give yourself time to mourn. If you need to cry, you cry. I’m sorry your partner is not sympathetic. I don’t know if this is helpful at all (probably not) but I know a lovely couple and when her dad passed away, she was devastated and became depressed, he just didn’t emotionally get it and they’ve now sadly divorced. I do worry if a partner can’t be supportive during the worst times in your life how they would be if a situation got even more worse and dire and they needed to be there for you.

 

[LaBlonde]

That being said, my BF is still a fool. I don’t tell him anything anymore. If I need to cry, I cry alone late at night or when he’s out. If I need to get something out, I just swallow it because there’s just no point. Every response from him is just so uninterested and dull so I don’t even try any more.
Last night I told him that I still struggle every day, I think about them every day and it’s so hard for me for which his response was to get up and go the kitchen… I mean.
So yeah thank you again for the nice words, seriously in this situation means a lot to me.

i’m so sorry i lost both my remaining grandparents very close together last year and so i feel some degree of what you’re going though - i also found that that level of grief really shows who is there for you and who isn’t. i truly can’t believe that the part in bold above was your bf’s reaction to this.

@Babyyoda88 is right; if he can’t emotionally be there for you now, then will he ever be? the fact that he didn’t change his reaction after seeing how upset you were when your grandad passed away speaks volumes to me. you deserve to be with someone who is going to give you that level of support

 

[Kim Mild]

Have you called him out about his behaviour?

 

[Snippysnips]

So sorry about your loss an what you are going through

Are there any support groups you could maybe look into going, maybe find people to connect with that have experienced it an you can find some comfort with being with them?

Unfortunately I feel like some people are just like that, men especially, there's nothing you can do to really change that, my dad is exactly like that as well, I've never in my life even seen him cry, even at his own parents an aunts funeral, not once have I seen any kind of emotion come from him an it can be hard to deal with somtimes when it feels like your world is crumbling an they just aren't there to support you, could it be that he just doesn't know how?

My dad sort of grew up with the "men don't cry, men aren't weak, crying is weakness, it's not manly to show emotion" so honestly I don't know if he actually knows how to show emotions or deal with emotions, it definitely caused a few arguments with my mum as my mum is the complete opposite an can be a emotional wreak somtimes an my dad just looks like he couldn't care but deep down I don't think it's he doesn't care but just doesn't know what to do

Maybe talk with him an ask how he's feeling deep down an if he feels it's hard to be there for emotional support or if he just genuinely doesn't know how to be there, we all have our own ways at dealing with grief, I could also be told that I am cold an distant but really I just prefer to be alone an can't deal being around people when am grieving

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Honestly, at this point, id bollock him and tell him to show some respect and act like a partner! Its showing care, concern, kindness and empathy for the person you love. You absolutely shouldnt have to cry alone. Thats awful, im so sorry x

 

[butterfliesandhurricanes]

You deserve so much better. If someone cannot be there for you in your hardest times, I’m sorry to be blunt but personally I wouldn’t see a future with them. You get one life and you deserve someone who truly cares, makes you feel loved, gives you support and patience.
Wishing you the best I’m sorry for your loss.

 

[laughing]

Sorry for your lost.

People deal with grief many different ways.
Has you BF ever lost anyone?

May be he does not no how to react to death and you need to teach him what you need from him support wise.

He could just be embarrassed by it all and not no how to behave.

 

[mcfeez]

Perhaps he feels awkward in dealing with it and has never had similar feelings before himself. Have a talk with him, explain to him the support you need.

 

[UnderThePalmTree]

Ahh.. Your kindness really makes me feel better! I really appreciate it.

The thing with my partner… He treats death very pragmatic and logical which in general is fine but he also treats me in almost the same way. Every conversation I start about this topic almost every time ends in argument. If I want to share something or say he has the same look as I’m talking about mascara or a new shampoo I bought.
Its almost he doesn’t want me to show my emotions, be sad, be angry, talk, share.. Like I have to pretend everything is normal and fine.
And death is normal part of our lives but please don’t ask me to behave like that when I lost 2 of my closest family members in just 2 months.
And thing is I don’t need extra things from him - just listen, just be silent, just be there you know.
Thats why I don’t really talk to him anymore because about this.
I tried to justify his actions that he didn’t meet my grandparents,just had a few WhatsApp videos so wasn’t close to them, I know that years ago he lost his younger brother tragically so could be that affected his ways of dealing with death.
Whatever the reasons behind at the end I just feel totally alone.

Again, I really appreciate the kind words and advice,it really does help a bit.

 

[Snippysnips]

Have you spoken with his family? That can maybe help with it? perhaps he hasn't dealt with the lose of his brother an is more traumatised that he thinks he is, an his way is just to close down, did he ever get therapy after it happened?

My aunt lost her husband suddenly at 43, hit us like a ton of bricks but she never really got or took the help she really should have at the time it happened an I think the trauma of what happened as well as not seeking professional help has made it difficult now because she's very much like that as well in which she just brushes off in a almost no care tone of "everyone dies what do you expect, they can't live forever" an now even talking about it she seems like she couldn't care an gets angry if the subject isn't changed, an I really think it's because she hasn't actually dealt with the grieving process of what happened

Unfortunately there's not much you can really do, if he didn't or won't take the help at what happened with his brother or won't listen to anyone with getting help to deal with it then, even if it's years ago somtimes they need to revisit it with professional help to properly grieve in order to not just close down an act like it's nothing