Does anyone else feel like when they vent/tell their friends a problem it can usually be turned around to them or they can never see your point of view or even try and resonate with you at all? It’s just frustrating as I’m usually always there for my friends and try my best to resonate with them and it just makes me sad how it’s not reciprocated
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oh yes, I've had the very same issue this week... my friend has been a bit preoccupied with monetary problems, huge sum coming his way but too slowly for his liking, he called to say hello and explain about being a bit AWOL... I listened and we talked about what was going to happen and how he was feeling.... then I mentioned why I had also been a little distracted, and that I too was preoccupied, but with a serious medical concern that requires surgery.... and then the conversation stopped with no real concern from him and all I got was a text saying "be strong, you'll be fine" that was 10 days ago... since then nada.
When he is having issues I call everyday, check in and generally make sure he's eating, sleeping and knows he's loved... I have been devastated to realise that the friendship isn't reciprocated at all.
I would like to think its because he doesn't know what to say, but, honestly, if we have to ask if their behaviour is okay, we are just looking for validation in our understanding that sometimes the people closest to us are absolute bleeping bellends.
I'm sorry you're going through it x
When he is having issues I call everyday, check in and generally make sure he's eating, sleeping and knows he's loved... I have been devastated to realise that the friendship isn't reciprocated at all.
I would like to think its because he doesn't know what to say, but, honestly, if we have to ask if their behaviour is okay, we are just looking for validation in our understanding that sometimes the people closest to us are absolute bleeping bellends.
I'm sorry you're going through it x
Yes I feel like this too. It feels crap doesn’t it 
Yep, having this with a few friends at the moment, it really hurts. I put so much thought and effort in and don’t get my effort returned. I called one friend out on it today - said she’d been having a hard time which I expressed sympathy for but when I said I’d also been struggling - nothing. It’s really starting to effect my mental health. I’ve never been lucky with friends so always assume it’s me and I’m doing something wrong or I’m not good enough. My husband tells me it’s because I do too much. I’m always there for everyone else but no one is there for me because I don’t make a fuss and just get on with things. I wish I could make new friends but it’s so hard as you get older.
yup, I have found that go to a friend in need - but when you are in trouble they are nowhere to be seen. There was a DM article earlier this year talking about unreciprocated friendship. I'll try and find it.
I understand this point of view and have recently felt it. I am not particularly sociable and have difficulty trusting people so tend to keep my deeper issues to myself and make friends slowly. I have an intense friend in my life for around 15 years and we like to chat a lot. She is prone to depression and I like to think that I am sensitive to this and leave her alone when she needs space.
Recently I have realised that her issues dominate the conversation all the time and that on the whole they are fairly trivial. Recently I mentioned an issue I have, which I never talk to friends about, since it is not really for general chat. I have left some clues about this issue previously but never actually spelt it out. She never seems to pick up the issue. Only once did I spit out the problem and she just said a couple of vague generalities and went back to her IMO far more trivial problems.
It takes a lot for me to open up to people in person so I have become a bit disillusioned with her. I come away from seeing her exhausted. I think, yet again, like others here, that I have given too much of my time and effort to someone who just takes and is rather selfish.
So depressing isn't it.
Recently I have realised that her issues dominate the conversation all the time and that on the whole they are fairly trivial. Recently I mentioned an issue I have, which I never talk to friends about, since it is not really for general chat. I have left some clues about this issue previously but never actually spelt it out. She never seems to pick up the issue. Only once did I spit out the problem and she just said a couple of vague generalities and went back to her IMO far more trivial problems.
It takes a lot for me to open up to people in person so I have become a bit disillusioned with her. I come away from seeing her exhausted. I think, yet again, like others here, that I have given too much of my time and effort to someone who just takes and is rather selfish.
So depressing isn't it.
Totally get how you feel. It’s like we’re dismissed because we don’t make a fuss. My husband tells me that I need to learn that not everyone is like me and not to expect too much. It’s so hard though. I feel like just stopping on my own.
Your husband is right. We are empathetic, we listen and try to help in a way which we would like to receive ourselves but rarely find.
It's important to hold back so not to become overwhelmed by other people's problems. Self-care for us.
I have a mate who,no matter what you tell her she always turns it round to her
she seems to think that every bloke fancies her
her dog
her stepdads death
her crappy childhood/life
How she hates just about everyone she works with
how she works so hard and runs the place (she does neither)
i messaged her a few weeks ago to say I’d had a crappy day at work-just needed a rant
the message I got back was ‘how do you think I feel?x did nothing all day,y stinks,and z was running round after me with his tongue hanging out-I had to do everything’
I only message now if she messages me-and I tell her nothing-it will only get spread all over as she loves juicy gossip
she seems to think that every bloke fancies her
her dog
her stepdads death
her crappy childhood/life
How she hates just about everyone she works with
how she works so hard and runs the place (she does neither)
i messaged her a few weeks ago to say I’d had a crappy day at work-just needed a rant
the message I got back was ‘how do you think I feel?x did nothing all day,y stinks,and z was running round after me with his tongue hanging out-I had to do everything’
I only message now if she messages me-and I tell her nothing-it will only get spread all over as she loves juicy gossip
A lot of people, unfortunately, think that friends are people they can go to for help or vent to solely from their side, and the extent of their contribution to the friendship is occasionally showing up.
As another member mentioned above, some friends will always turn the topic onto themselves regardless of what you're going through and as soon as you try to share something with them that's troubling you, they get glassy-eyed and you can tell that their mind is completely shut off or at least elsewhere. With people like this, I don't think they don't want to see things from your side...they just don't care enough to. The most they'll do is nod or say something non-committal or even worse, barely listen to what you're saying and shut you down so you stop talking.
The best way to resolve this is to get better friends who know that friendship is a give and take. I am very empathetic myself and have been on the receiving end of this behavior before, and staying friends with these kinds of people never ends well. They absolutely do not think that they're inconsiderate or selfish and they won't change.
As another member mentioned above, some friends will always turn the topic onto themselves regardless of what you're going through and as soon as you try to share something with them that's troubling you, they get glassy-eyed and you can tell that their mind is completely shut off or at least elsewhere. With people like this, I don't think they don't want to see things from your side...they just don't care enough to. The most they'll do is nod or say something non-committal or even worse, barely listen to what you're saying and shut you down so you stop talking.
The best way to resolve this is to get better friends who know that friendship is a give and take. I am very empathetic myself and have been on the receiving end of this behavior before, and staying friends with these kinds of people never ends well. They absolutely do not think that they're inconsiderate or selfish and they won't change.
I could not agree more. I also think that this problem is getting worse generally. With the advent of social media, many people believe they are starring in their own Hollywood movie with other people as the crowd scene. I was taught as a child not to boast or talk too much about myself but this seems to have gone by the wayside. There are so many grandiose and self-serving people about, their behaviour makes me cringe. All you can do, I realise, is try and keep your face bland and avoid them where you can.
Social media is definitely making people more self-absorbed and as you say, a lot of people think they are the star of some movie these days, and everyone else is just part of the supporting cast. I completely agree with you that avoiding them is the way to go.
I'm 30 this year and didn't start cutting off my toxic friendships until I was in my mid 20s, but in the vast majority of cases, it was always due to a self-absorbed friend. People who are consistently nasty about other people/think the world has somehow wronged them (and therefore always have a lot to complain about or say) or constantly involved in a lot of drama (this applies to everything from relationship issues to even mental health. I absolutely feel sympathy for people with mental health issues but I have had friends that are always extremely depressed or unhappy or anxious and as a result...can only complain to me but are never able to be there when I need some support. You can have mental health issues and still be an inconsiderate person) make the worst friends.
Yes I had a friend like this. She’d send me (no exaggeration) about 30 voice messages on whatsapp complaining about the same person every single day! It was her co worker who I don’t know from Adam so really have no opinion on but was there for her and let her vent and offered her advice.
We me through my ex as she was going out with one of his friends from uni. We ended up hitting it off and did things quite often together which included a holiday after I’d broken up with said ex... after this holiday she’d text infrequently always, always moaning... then when she got what she was looking for you got 0 messages until she had to complain again, she’d turn everything to be about her if you had an issue she’d go defensive and bring it back to her/I’m over reacting.
I lost a really close family member in February and she checked in on me once, then she didn’t reply to my last message - that was March. Happy she is gone in hindsight. She was a fair weather friend, only there because I was convenient for double dates and once that was gone she didn’t want to know.
It’s hard to feel like this as it makes you think they don’t care but most people like that just want the outlet but don’t care about the response & are too selfish to get out their own bubble. You’re better without them! Cut them out if it keeps continuing, you’re not someone’s emotional crutch, friendship is a two way street.
We me through my ex as she was going out with one of his friends from uni. We ended up hitting it off and did things quite often together which included a holiday after I’d broken up with said ex... after this holiday she’d text infrequently always, always moaning... then when she got what she was looking for you got 0 messages until she had to complain again, she’d turn everything to be about her if you had an issue she’d go defensive and bring it back to her/I’m over reacting.
I lost a really close family member in February and she checked in on me once, then she didn’t reply to my last message - that was March. Happy she is gone in hindsight. She was a fair weather friend, only there because I was convenient for double dates and once that was gone she didn’t want to know.
It’s hard to feel like this as it makes you think they don’t care but most people like that just want the outlet but don’t care about the response & are too selfish to get out their own bubble. You’re better without them! Cut them out if it keeps continuing, you’re not someone’s emotional crutch, friendship is a two way street.
If you are an empathetic person, which quite often happens if you have had someone in your childhood who is demanding/needy, then you are hard wired to help and listen to others. You will tend to attract selfish people because you are used to putting other people's needs first.
Once you recognise this pattern, you can ensure that any new friendship is a two-way street. If you find you are dancing attendance on your friend: meeting at the restaurant of her choice, cheering her up, boosting her ego - basically acting as a lady-in-waiting, then it's not a healthy situation. As I am interested in this scenario, I find it is fairly common in women's friendships. There is often a queen bee who attracts a posse of people pleasers, who let her manipulate them and often have no idea what is going on. Once one of these realises and pushes back, the others drum her out with the help of the queen bee. It's horrible.
The good news here is that once you are self aware enough to see what is going on - like the two previous posters - you are on your way to helping yourself out of the trap.
Once you recognise this pattern, you can ensure that any new friendship is a two-way street. If you find you are dancing attendance on your friend: meeting at the restaurant of her choice, cheering her up, boosting her ego - basically acting as a lady-in-waiting, then it's not a healthy situation. As I am interested in this scenario, I find it is fairly common in women's friendships. There is often a queen bee who attracts a posse of people pleasers, who let her manipulate them and often have no idea what is going on. Once one of these realises and pushes back, the others drum her out with the help of the queen bee. It's horrible.
The good news here is that once you are self aware enough to see what is going on - like the two previous posters - you are on your way to helping yourself out of the trap.
Thank you so much for this, a penny has just dropped. I’m the daughter of a narcissistic mother so it explains a lot. Hopefully I can notice the signs now. Thank you!
so perfectly summed up! Wow.
I also have days where I feel terribly undervalued by my friends, particularly my male friends.. I know they care but they never reach out on their own accord, so I have been relinquishing them of the title of friend lately.
Its so hard to make new friends as you get older, if you move to a new area etc - especially tho when you have missed out on the social timeline situations where people make friends i.e going to university etc. Being bullied in school doesn't help either, because for me that has evolved into trust issues with groups of people. I have found however a couple of close online friends who have supported me more so than anyone irl has. I think the internet is pretty cool in that regard.
I do think that a lot of people don't really know how to maintain friendships, like whats needed for it to be an ongoing balance. Like checking in, how goddamn hard is that? and actually giving the space for your friend to say what they need to say, rather than speaking to fill the room as per say. Listening is a big one too. I do tend to not share deep things with friends and opt to just talk about those things with my therapist instead.
I made the mistake twice in sharing some deep stuff ( I struggle with pretty bad depression so i do often experience suicidal ideations - apologies for TMI just trying to give you nice thread people a gist ) with a couple of guy friends. The first dude decided the best course of action was to threaten to have me sectioned and the second dude shamed me and expressed verbal disgust. So yeah, I kind of don't talk to any "friends" about deep stuff that now just goes straight to my therapist. The deep stuff however is what friendships should be based on, being vulnerable, tapping into our empathy and sharing that & it being ok, y'no? Rather than being shamed for it.
It shouldn't be one person doing all the heavy lifting. It should be a mutual load. In the past, I have ended up doing it all myself, having to make them feel better for hearing my sad stuff, making myself feel better and telling them it'll be ok and like not anymore y'no? No more one street friendships/ family relationships for me
Its so hard to make new friends as you get older, if you move to a new area etc - especially tho when you have missed out on the social timeline situations where people make friends i.e going to university etc. Being bullied in school doesn't help either, because for me that has evolved into trust issues with groups of people. I have found however a couple of close online friends who have supported me more so than anyone irl has. I think the internet is pretty cool in that regard.
I do think that a lot of people don't really know how to maintain friendships, like whats needed for it to be an ongoing balance. Like checking in, how goddamn hard is that? and actually giving the space for your friend to say what they need to say, rather than speaking to fill the room as per say. Listening is a big one too. I do tend to not share deep things with friends and opt to just talk about those things with my therapist instead.
I made the mistake twice in sharing some deep stuff ( I struggle with pretty bad depression so i do often experience suicidal ideations - apologies for TMI just trying to give you nice thread people a gist ) with a couple of guy friends. The first dude decided the best course of action was to threaten to have me sectioned and the second dude shamed me and expressed verbal disgust. So yeah, I kind of don't talk to any "friends" about deep stuff that now just goes straight to my therapist. The deep stuff however is what friendships should be based on, being vulnerable, tapping into our empathy and sharing that & it being ok, y'no? Rather than being shamed for it.
It shouldn't be one person doing all the heavy lifting. It should be a mutual load. In the past, I have ended up doing it all myself, having to make them feel better for hearing my sad stuff, making myself feel better and telling them it'll be ok
and like not anymore y'no? No more one street friendships/ family relationships for meBut other than those things, I'm sure she's delightful.
Yes my now ex best friend!!
Would message all the time when she had issues, usually about men. I had to reply straightaway otherwise she would get annoyed. But when I needed help from her once I got a reply similar to "I can't deal with you right now, stop texting me". Charming.
Used to borrow money from me all the time and said it was for food. Turns out it was for drugs.
Was always skint (see above) so I had to pay for everything even though she earned double what I did, and her outgoings were less than mine.
Final straw was when I reached out once more when I was going through a tough time. Absolute silence from her. She apologised 3 weeks later when she realised she wanted to talk to me about something. I didn't reply for a few hours. She told me I was an awful friend and blocked me on fb! I then blocked her on every possible platform and have never felt better for it.
No more voice notes about being upset that her trainer looked more at the other girl in the training group as she was prettier.
No more me me me texts and begging to borrow money to get food.
Female friendships are tough and sometimes I wondered if I was the problem. Then I remembered she has fallen out with her brother, mother and loads of other female friends, colleagues, bosses....nope not me!!
If someone is toxic and the friendship is not mutual, get rid. Life is too short.
Would message all the time when she had issues, usually about men. I had to reply straightaway otherwise she would get annoyed. But when I needed help from her once I got a reply similar to "I can't deal with you right now, stop texting me". Charming.
Used to borrow money from me all the time and said it was for food. Turns out it was for drugs.
Was always skint (see above) so I had to pay for everything even though she earned double what I did, and her outgoings were less than mine.
Final straw was when I reached out once more when I was going through a tough time. Absolute silence from her. She apologised 3 weeks later when she realised she wanted to talk to me about something. I didn't reply for a few hours. She told me I was an awful friend and blocked me on fb! I then blocked her on every possible platform and have never felt better for it.
No more voice notes about being upset that her trainer looked more at the other girl in the training group as she was prettier.
No more me me me texts and begging to borrow money to get food.
Female friendships are tough and sometimes I wondered if I was the problem. Then I remembered she has fallen out with her brother, mother and loads of other female friends, colleagues, bosses....nope not me!!
If someone is toxic and the friendship is not mutual, get rid. Life is too short.
I have a rule. I treat my friends the same way they treat me then they can't complain. When I was younger I had freindships that were one sided or unbalanced in terms if support and being there for each other but it was exhausting and stressful so I changed.