As I understand it, I’m the result of a bit of a fling that my Mum had with a man who was visiting the town she lived briefly. She fell pregnant, told him (by letter! Love the 80s) and he basically said ‘do what you want to do, but it’s got nothing to do with me’. She made the decision to keep me and raised me as a single parent and did the very best job she could.
However, through no fault of her own, I feel like a chunk of my life is a bit of a question mark and it’s something I’ve never been able to resolve in my 40 years on the planet. I’ve struggled with rejection and overly people-pleasing to avoid rejection, had trust issues with men and so on. I also suffer from anxiety and rarely feel like I’m good enough at anything. When I’ve explored this in counselling, it’s tended to come back to a feeling of rejection from my father. I’ve never been able to resolve it in my head. I have limited details about him. His name ( not rare but not John Smith), where he lived, the reason he was visiting the town my Mum was living in. Putting all this together into Google I believe I’ve found him. He’s married with at least two children who are much older than me. Which says it all, and explains why he wanted nothing to do with my Mum and her pregnancy and me. As far as I know, they had no contact after she told him he was pregnant and he effectively said he wasn’t bothered. She got no child maintenance, he’s never met me, I don’t have any reason to believe he ever knew whether she had an abortion, had me or had me adopted. She doesn’t like to talk about him in any detail whatsoever. I would not be able to show her a picture of him and go ‘is this the guy?’. I had never seen him, never had any idea what he looked like till Google turned up enough information several years ago.
Ive gotten close to contacting him a few times. I never have, so far. In one set of counselling sessions I reached the opinion that I had to. But many things hold me back. What do I want from this? Do I want a relationship with him? Do I want to tear his unsuspecting family apart? Do I think I am either going to get a response, get a truthful response (he can say it wasn’t him and that’s the end of that), or get a response that is any less crappy than ‘this has nothing to do with me’? Don’t think I do. I don’t think I have any interest in building any sort of relationship. Sure, if he fancied writing me and my mother a big cheque that would be cool, but I wouldn’t take it and I’m not interested in blackmail or extortion. We are very distant geographically anyway. Like I said, I don’t really want to cause the rest of his family pain because there is basically no chance they know about me. I don’t actually want to cause him pain, either. I just want him to know that actions have consequences. I suppose I wonder if he’s ever thought about me. I don’t know if I’d believe him if he said he had. I doubt he has.
I feel so stuck about this. He’s older than my Mum by about 12 years. I have a reasonably finite window to reach out. Will I regret it if I don’t and he dies? I think I just want him to know I exist. I don’t know why. Google suggests he’s a ‘good guy’, church goer, charity man, heavily involved with his wife in lots of initiatives. Kind of makes me sick in a way, to be honest. Do I want his validation and his pat on the head to tell me I’m great? Deep down, maybe, but would I believe it if he said it? Not at all.
I have gone through multiple cycles of this over the last 8-10 years minimum. Going to contact him, then deciding he’s not worth it, then having a massive anxiety flail, ending in therapy and coming back to this same point. The reason for getting to this place is a bit different this time, though. I’m pregnant with my first child. My husband, who is a wonderful man, is so involved. He’s been treating me like some sort of queen, he’s been making all these plans and lists so we can get ready for our child’s arrival. He’s going to be a great and loving and hands on Dad and I feel like I’ve broken some family curse. It makes the comparison all the more stark, to be honest. I find it even harder to wrap my head around what he did. There is just no excuse.
Sorry, this post is so epic. I’m interested in every possible viewpoint. If I was to send that email, how does one even word such a thing?! I know it could lead to being ignored or being out and out rejected all over again and that could send me into a complete tail spin which wouldn’t be good for me in pregnancy. But that’s the place I tend to end up anyway whilst all my ‘unresolved Daddy issues’ continue to swirl around me and I’m not sure it’ll ever stop of I continue to do nothing. The risk, of course, is that doing something makes it worse.
However, through no fault of her own, I feel like a chunk of my life is a bit of a question mark and it’s something I’ve never been able to resolve in my 40 years on the planet. I’ve struggled with rejection and overly people-pleasing to avoid rejection, had trust issues with men and so on. I also suffer from anxiety and rarely feel like I’m good enough at anything. When I’ve explored this in counselling, it’s tended to come back to a feeling of rejection from my father. I’ve never been able to resolve it in my head. I have limited details about him. His name ( not rare but not John Smith), where he lived, the reason he was visiting the town my Mum was living in. Putting all this together into Google I believe I’ve found him. He’s married with at least two children who are much older than me. Which says it all, and explains why he wanted nothing to do with my Mum and her pregnancy and me. As far as I know, they had no contact after she told him he was pregnant and he effectively said he wasn’t bothered. She got no child maintenance, he’s never met me, I don’t have any reason to believe he ever knew whether she had an abortion, had me or had me adopted. She doesn’t like to talk about him in any detail whatsoever. I would not be able to show her a picture of him and go ‘is this the guy?’. I had never seen him, never had any idea what he looked like till Google turned up enough information several years ago.
Ive gotten close to contacting him a few times. I never have, so far. In one set of counselling sessions I reached the opinion that I had to. But many things hold me back. What do I want from this? Do I want a relationship with him? Do I want to tear his unsuspecting family apart? Do I think I am either going to get a response, get a truthful response (he can say it wasn’t him and that’s the end of that), or get a response that is any less crappy than ‘this has nothing to do with me’? Don’t think I do. I don’t think I have any interest in building any sort of relationship. Sure, if he fancied writing me and my mother a big cheque that would be cool, but I wouldn’t take it and I’m not interested in blackmail or extortion. We are very distant geographically anyway. Like I said, I don’t really want to cause the rest of his family pain because there is basically no chance they know about me. I don’t actually want to cause him pain, either. I just want him to know that actions have consequences. I suppose I wonder if he’s ever thought about me. I don’t know if I’d believe him if he said he had. I doubt he has.
I feel so stuck about this. He’s older than my Mum by about 12 years. I have a reasonably finite window to reach out. Will I regret it if I don’t and he dies? I think I just want him to know I exist. I don’t know why. Google suggests he’s a ‘good guy’, church goer, charity man, heavily involved with his wife in lots of initiatives. Kind of makes me sick in a way, to be honest. Do I want his validation and his pat on the head to tell me I’m great? Deep down, maybe, but would I believe it if he said it? Not at all.
I have gone through multiple cycles of this over the last 8-10 years minimum. Going to contact him, then deciding he’s not worth it, then having a massive anxiety flail, ending in therapy and coming back to this same point. The reason for getting to this place is a bit different this time, though. I’m pregnant with my first child. My husband, who is a wonderful man, is so involved. He’s been treating me like some sort of queen, he’s been making all these plans and lists so we can get ready for our child’s arrival. He’s going to be a great and loving and hands on Dad and I feel like I’ve broken some family curse. It makes the comparison all the more stark, to be honest. I find it even harder to wrap my head around what he did. There is just no excuse.
Sorry, this post is so epic. I’m interested in every possible viewpoint. If I was to send that email, how does one even word such a thing?! I know it could lead to being ignored or being out and out rejected all over again and that could send me into a complete tail spin which wouldn’t be good for me in pregnancy. But that’s the place I tend to end up anyway whilst all my ‘unresolved Daddy issues’ continue to swirl around me and I’m not sure it’ll ever stop of I continue to do nothing. The risk, of course, is that doing something makes it worse.
