Thinking about separation/divorce

[Hairraiser]

TRIGGER WARNING : talk of seperation, divorce, birth trauma & termination.
This is a long one so buckle up….

Hi guys.

So this is a difficult one for me to talk about but I’m thinking of seperating from my husband.
He’s the father of my 2.5 year old son, and he’s the most amazing dad I could have wished for my child.
But the love between us just isn’t there anymore, I feel bad saying it but I’ve felt like this a while now, and it’s something I think about daily.
I care deeply for him, I always make sure he’s happy and content but it just feels like I’m doing it for a close friend. Not my husband.

I don’t like kissing him, I don’t like any type of affection at all from him. But if someone else was to give it to me I’d love it! I’m not saying I’m going to cheat because that’s not me, but if I was to have any affection from another man I’d want it!

we haven’t had sex since I had to have a termination in 2021 (this was 5 months after my son was born. I was critically ill after having him via emergency c section so was advised not to have any children for at least a year)
We had to have IVF treatment to conceive my son, which was gruelling and so difficult on our relationship but we got through that nicely and it actually made us stronger.
I don’t know if maybe becoming a parent has changed us, or we’ve just given up on each other and focusing solely on our son.

we’ve been married 7 years but lived together for 4 years before that, so we’ve got a lot of history behind us.

I worry so much for how this will affect my son, he is his most happiest when we’re both around, when we go on days out etc, and it’s so lovely when we all get on.
But I just don’t know if I just see him as a friend now, and will I be stuck like this for the rest of my life just to keep my son happy. We argue and bicker a lot but it’s over very silly things, like if someone didn’t hoover or clean a spillage up in the kitchen, I know that’s normal for couples but we literally let it affect our mood for the whole day and it ends up into a blazing row, when one of us storms out the house, cause we hate arguing infront of our son. I was brought up in a home where my parents argued most days and it’s something il never forget! My dad used to punch the walls and doors, he even punched a window once cause he was so angry during an argument with my mum.
strangely enough my parents are still together, I can tell they’re unhappy but they’ve stayed together for nearly 40 years and I just don’t want that for myself.

has anyone else gone through a seperation but having children involved?
was it stressful? How did you deal with it?

if I did decide to do it I would have to live in the same house as him until we found somewhere to go, I just couldn’t throw him out, I want to do this amicably.

anyway, I’d love your thoughts and opinions on this, positive or negative, i rely quite heavily on other peoples guidance and seek reassurance from people all the time and this is not something I can talk to my friends and family about, I’m just too embarrassed right now.

 

[Codiaeum]

Hey there,

I don't have kids, so I can't comment from that angle, but wanted to give you my view:
Love, for many couples, turns into what you call deep caring and friendship, the excitement eventually subsides. From what I've read, this isn't a bad thing, as the relationship then clearly has emotional investment behind it and isn't just sex.

You've written about the termination that you had to have and I'm very sorry about that you had to go through that. You also say that you didn't have sex since then and that you do not feel any affection towards you husband and dislike him kissing you. Do you think that the events of the termination are "at blame" here? This must have been hugely traumatizing for both of you and I wonder whether this is a subconscious connection that causes negative feelings.

 

[Hairraiser]

Hey there,

I don't have kids, so I can't comment from that angle, but wanted to give you my view:
Love, for many couples, turns into what you call deep caring and friendship, the excitement eventually subsides. From what I've read, this isn't a bad thing, as the relationship then clearly has emotional investment behind it and isn't just sex.

You've written about the termination that you had to have and I'm very sorry about that you had to go through that. You also say that you didn't have sex since then and that you do not feel any affection towards you husband and dislike him kissing you. Do you think that the events of the termination are "at blame" here? This must have been hugely traumatizing for both of you and I wonder whether this is a subconscious connection that causes negative feelings.

I see what you’re saying, tbh I’m not that fussed anyway about sex, i have so many reproductive issues and on a high dose of antidepressants so my libido is out the window anyway. But my husbands isnt! I guess I’d like a cuddle and a kiss with someone new.

I’ve been to many weddings in the last few years, and watching our friends look so happy and in love it just makes me think of how I feel.
It’s just so confusing these feelings…

Yes I think you may be right, the termination has had quite a big effect on me, especially as I always think of how old the child would be, and how different our lives would be.
I feel a lot of guilt around it, and I’m quite angry at us for doing it! But, when I say it was a life or death situation, I mean it. I nearly died giving birth the first time and if I go through it again, what might happen to me? My son would have been without a mother.

I just want to be on my own and navigate being a mother on my own.

 

[Monkeymagic85]

I see what you’re saying, tbh I’m not that fussed anyway about sex, i have so many reproductive issues and on a high dose of antidepressants so my libido is out the window anyway. But my husbands isnt! I guess I’d like a cuddle and a kiss with someone new.

I’ve been to many weddings in the last few years, and watching our friends look so happy and in love it just makes me think of how I feel.
It’s just so confusing these feelings…

Yes I think you may be right, the termination has had quite a big effect on me, especially as I always think of how old the child would be, and how different our lives would be.
I feel a lot of guilt around it, and I’m quite angry at us for doing it! But, when I say it was a life or death situation, I mean it. I nearly died giving birth the first time and if I go through it again, what might happen to me? My son would have been without a mother.

I just want to be on my own and navigate being a mother on my own.

I was previously married and walked away with nothing, didn’t have a child then mind.

Being a parent is hard and I think sometimes it makes you realise what you do and don’t want. I would do what makes you happy, children are resilient and more ‘normal’ for separated parents.

Your son is also of an age where he won’t remember you ever being together if you split now. You may not think it, but kids absolutely pick up on any tension.

I wouldn’t hesitate on leaving my partner if it felt like the right thing to do. Perhaps you could do a trial separation and see how you feel? Sometimes space leaves you to think.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

This is deeply personal and you will have to decide what is right for you but I will give my 2 cents

You are going through a lot! Anti-depressants are no joke. On top of that you had trauma.

I would suggest trying counselling if you haven’t yet.

Relationships goes through ups and downs. I’ve been with Mr Lolz for 20 years and around the 7/8 years mark was a really difficult time. We persevered and worked through it, it wasn’t quick and now we are very strong.

Consider if you’d like to try and get back to where you were before everything went bad

 

[Hairraiser]

I was previously married and walked away with nothing, didn’t have a child then mind.

Being a parent is hard and I think sometimes it makes you realise what you do and don’t want. I would do what makes you happy, children are resilient and more ‘normal’ for separated parents.

Your son is also of an age where he won’t remember you ever being together if you split now. You may not think it, but kids absolutely pick up on any tension.

I wouldn’t hesitate on leaving my partner if it felt like the right thing to do. Perhaps you could do a trial separation and see how you feel? Sometimes space leaves you to think.

I like the idea of a trial separation, not sure how he’d take it though…
Maybe 5 weeks before Christmas isn’t a good idea?

 

[Monkeymagic85]

I like the idea of a trial separation, not sure how he’d take it though…
Maybe 5 weeks before Christmas isn’t a good idea?

You’ll always find an excuse, there’s really never a good time. You need to put yourself first and do what you want to do, yes he’s going to be upset but can you really see yourself doing this for the next how ever many years?

You’re not depriving him of his child in any way, you’re not taking away him being a dad, you’re not sure you want to be with him anymore and that’s ok. Particularly when you get with someone when you’re younger, you grow and change so much after 25, sometimes people grow together and sometimes they don’t.

Put yourself first for once, it sounds like you need some space to figure things out

 

[pennypinchpam]

From what you’re saying, I think you’d get a lot of good out of counselling - either individual therapy or relationship. Suggesting a “trial separation” before you have tried everything else, which includes counselling, won’t go down well and may well kick off a storm before you know it. Also, “trial” is a misnomer because one person suggesting it is thinking of it a way to test the waters of splitting, and the other is likely hanging on to hope which will very likely cause resent down the line.
This is so common in young families. Having a child is hard on yourself and your relationship. It changes everything, almost overnight. And those early years are a huge adjustment. You say you don’t want to kiss or cuddle your husband - therapy can really help you understand why that is. It could well be trauma, could also be that you or him have changed. Even the change, if you are unhappy therapy can help you dig down to what is causing the unhappiness. If you are already having sessions, I’d suggest switching up therapists. Different voices and questions can really make a difference, and it’s coming from someone not connected to either of you or strangers on the internet.
If nothing is irretrievably and disastrously broken, eg domestic abuse, emotional or financial abuse etc then it’s worth trying every Avenue to see if you can get back closer to like before.
Also, the grass is not greener on the other side. Single parenting is difficult for everyone involved, and the dating pool is a cesspit.

 

[Hairraiser]

From what you’re saying, I think you’d get a lot of good out of counselling - either individual therapy or relationship. Suggesting a “trial separation” before you have tried everything else, which includes counselling, won’t go down well and may well kick off a storm before you know it. Also, “trial” is a misnomer because one person suggesting it is thinking of it a way to test the waters of splitting, and the other is likely hanging on to hope which will very likely cause resent down the line.
This is so common in young families. Having a child is hard on yourself and your relationship. It changes everything, almost overnight. And those early years are a huge adjustment. You say you don’t want to kiss or cuddle your husband - therapy can really help you understand why that is. It could well be trauma, could also be that you or him have changed. Even the change, if you are unhappy therapy can help you dig down to what is causing the unhappiness. If you are already having sessions, I’d suggest switching up therapists. Different voices and questions can really make a difference, and it’s coming from someone not connected to either of you or strangers on the internet.
If nothing is irretrievably and disastrously broken, eg domestic abuse, emotional or financial abuse etc then it’s worth trying every Avenue to see if you can get back closer to like before.
Also, the grass is not greener on the other side. Single parenting is difficult for everyone involved, and the dating pool is a cesspit.

I did think about counselling, I’ve had many counselling sessions for my birth trauma so I’m an expert at it I think it’s why I’m quite open to people and like to talk about my problems.

I’ve told my husband how I felt a few months ago, and for a few weeks we were making more of an effort with each other, we were happy.

but it’s all just fizzled out

The most important thing for me is for my son to be happy. And I just don’t think us being together is going to help that, but I also am willing to try ways to fix my feelings.

 

[pennypinchpam]

I did think about counselling, I’ve had many counselling sessions for my birth trauma so I’m an expert at it I think it’s why I’m quite open to people and like to talk about my problems.

I’ve told my husband how I felt a few months ago, and for a few weeks we were making more of an effort with each other, we were happy.

but it’s all just fizzled out

The most important thing for me is for my son to be happy. And I just don’t think us being together is going to help that, but I also am willing to try ways to fix my feelings.

Relationships need exercise. The more you work on it, the better. Once you stop, it slides back into crap. And you can always pick up again. But to answer your earlier question about if anyone has had a separation etc. yes I did, 4 years ago, for a year and a half when my child was similar age. We both underwent therapy and dealt with our individual issues. We were both broken in different ways. We are back together and happy and working on ourselves. It’s not simple and never one size fits all but as you rightly said, children are first priority. If you ask your child, he will want his mummy and daddy to be happy together (of course, with the caveat of unfixable damage like abuse and the likes). so I think parents owe it to their children to try absolutely everything, which includes hard graft and re-wiring. If your husband is a good man and father and you once were attracted to him, you might get back there again. If not, at least you’ll know you tried everything. Wishing you all the best! You’ll figure it out

 

[margaretta]

Sorry to hear what you’ve been through. As someone who is single I’d say you need counselling as it sounds like you have some form
of PTSD.
I disagree with any trial separation at this moment. You need love and support. You’ll only be running away from the issues when you really need to resolve them within yourself before you can move your life on. Once you’ve worked on yourself, i’d also suggest couples counselling.

On another point, in my experience the longer you go without sex in a relationship the less you tend to want sex, so it becomes a vicious circle.

 

[Kim Mild]

You see him as a friend, not an enemy. So that's a good sign . A lot of relationships end up a bit like that , at least for a while when kids come along .
People saythe 7 year itch is a real thing .
If you split up you will likely lose what you do have with him .

Some of the issues you have will still be there to deal with if you leave your husband.

You haven't mentioned resentment or anything towards him .

 

[Hairraiser]

You see him as a friend, not an enemy. So that's a good sign . A lot of relationships end up a bit like that , at least for a while when kids come along .
People saythe 7 year itch is a real thing .
If you split up you will likely lose what you do have with him .

Some of the issues you have will still be there to deal with if you leave your husband.

You haven't mentioned resentment or anything towards him .

These are very good points actually.
I am trying so hard to focus on the positives of our lives.

I guess everyone has rough patches from time to time.
I’m definitely getting the 7 year itch