1. The Eye of Sauron award for ābest public appearanceā
- labour conference (in which she turns up 45 minutes late because she's been faffing about with opal fruits and talks about pulling Tories pants down)
- conservative conference (in which she finally did a tiny bit of good with her Instagram platform, posting some graphics to support trussell trust...only to delete the posts a few weeks later once she'd had her paid gig "at conference")
- BBC news free school meals interview
- Del Monte live with Raw chicken juice hands while she's making making upside down, but the right way up, pineapple chicken
- diva.pdf
- 2020 Daily Express Xmas dinner article
2. The Golden Grifty award for āmost egregious waste of money from someone claiming to be poorā
- losing a laptop, not having seen it for 5 weeks and not seeming that concerned (the ICO are probably clawing at the floor )
- 16 weeks aparthotel with fully stocked kombucha fridge
- Lip fillers
- Halloween (Wilko Ā£35 dog, and the squid game cosplay with premium brand boiler suit purchased solely to dye pink and wear once)
- army of houseplants ("Feed me tinned fish, Seymour")
- the 2 packets of opal fruits/starburst
- purchasing the designer suit from her diva photoshoot
- all the empty seats she set up for a photoshoot in her garden (if any Frauen ever start a counting crows cover band please call it "Counting Chairs")
- posting crisps and chocolate to strangers in Australia
- Toni & Guy haircut from the most expensive stylist (they say we have a butcher shortage in the UK, but after seeing what they did to Jack's hair I honestly think they should try looking in Southend hair salons)
3. The Full Moon award for ābest chaosā
- Go Henry debacle
- The Linda McCartney collab & resulting Viggles uprising
- tweeting out a "crying selfie" and tagging Rishi Sunak, chancellor of the Exchequer, in it to beg for money
- Titmas
- live tweeting her frequent toilet movements after she decided to spring clean her digestive tract with a blend of prunes and fermented chilli
- finding 'her' tile stuck to a a train floor and live tweeting her attempts to free it from its filthy prison
- Trying to start a pile on against a school on twitter then grovelling
- Fake pregnancy outrage (my fingers are trembling as I type this and I don't know if it's in fear or anticipation of the grunk)
4
.The Yes Absolutely award for āmost useless/actively harmful adviceā
- dryer fluff candle lighters in a tin can-dle holder
- putting glass in the freezer
- ignoring the sugar content of her prune cake and recommending it to diabetics
- put a baking sheet over your sink to keep the washing up water warm
- hold a pan out the window to cool it down (yes, lean it on your plastic window sills, what could possibly go wrong)
- using table salt to make bath salts
- slow cooker bubble bath
- painting tin cans
- fish oil of varying ages kept in a bottle, together (the smell
)
5
. The Facetune Award for āselfie of the yearā
- Trifle selfie with anime hair taken in a sunbeam
- 2 X leotard underwear selfie
- 'smartly dressed' Jack in a Farhi jacket, with more layers than an onion in a cold pan
- "if you know you know" higher powered Jack with half moon chaos pupil
- warehouse skirt Jack
- Dib Dab 12 year old boy selfie
- crying rish mate selfie
- cringey meme selfie in SB's sweater
- Cherie Blair/disapproving Tory mum selfie
- Pleather blazer selfie with her pocket of pens sat at a tiny desk
- soft pink curtains selfie
- the carefully staged "hoofing it straight from the pan" selfie
- the 'im so much better now the light is back on in my eyes selfie' (specifically her most recent one at time of posting this)
- "found myself a happy place" selfie in mystery kitchen
- diva.pdf imposter who is not Jack
6. The Mission Inn Star Award for ābest slopā
- prune cake
- Linda's sausage curry
- ephemeral cassoulet which keeps changing its ingredients
- 2020 Xmas dinner from hell (express article spread - veg peel stuffing loaf, lardY gravy & furry brain pudding)
-The ominous Xmas pudding, looking like a polished gold turd and sparkling away with Southend Chainsaw Massacre audio in the background
- murky riff on peri peri black bean soup, thats not peri peri flavoured
- a grave miso-stake (rancid bowl of yakitori eggs and mushrooms)
- constipated chocolate salami
- caramel pecan butter diarrhoea
- polish yogurt and sausage
- vegan paella
7
. The Novak Nail award for āmost entertaining/outrageous lieā
- Go Henry.
- meekly calling Boris Johnson 'disingenuous' on air then swaggering onto Twitter to claim she'd been cut off early in the interview for calling him a liar
- the diva essay
- I don't own a toaster. Here is my toaster
- Easter Island Holmes advising her to go into politics
- excuses for how she time travels in her selfies e.g "stepped into a sunbeam" "it's just good lighting" "soft pink curtains"
- expelled from school for stealing a scalpel (without her parents ever finding out, and somehow still managing to sit her 4.5 GCSEs)
- not having COVID/getting COVID/having long COVID in a suspiciously short and blurry timeline.
- opening her post for first time in a decade
- special edition lip filler pringles
- jack deliberately turns up to watch ex manager at a supermarket putting out copies of Jack's book in number 1 spot (needless to say, she had the last laugh)
- frequently being whacked in the nose at karate tournaments as a teen (not sure if concurrent to or after the ballet lessons, remember she was not middle class though, not at all)
- Put her Russell Brands through the glass of her Russell Hobb
- uses Pythagoras every day
- lies about the Cabal
- every timescale she gives for when this next book is coming out
- "feeds 6-8" (yeah, 6 to 8 ANTS, Jack, but most of us are trying to feed humans)
8
. Missed Deadline Award for āmost urgent item on Kacha's listā
- household management book (help I have 200 litres of used bubble bath stored in a garage and I need to Jack to release this book so I know how to make them into a bechamel sauce.)
- vegan pineapple upside down cake
-The
granola recipe
- column for breakdown magazine
- drawing mom's garden
- HER TAXES
9. The Bad Food for Good Days award for 'favourite' cabal recreation of a Jack Monroe Recipe:
- Turned up in Tipp's lard gravy
- Beautiful Trauma's bake along of prune poo
- Hotes' sentient oats
- Poor Patrol's sloppy scuffins
- Hollaaa's swampy soup
- Traumatised sideboard's -brainrot- headrush spaghetti
- Orphan Black's slow cooker bread
- Fruitjack's jackfruit patties
10. The Silver Poca Plate for āhonorary frau of the yearā
- Trifle Defender
- ICO squiggle
- Sardine Calender bloke (real or ersatz tattle edition)
- Badger the sheep (I am so sorry badger & Falkor! How could I forget about this little lamb, he's so big now!)
- the viggles!
- Terry the Sparrow (rest in slop)
- Mr Kachoochoo (for providing the Jack face mask)