The Sloppies Nominations

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Just finished my compilation of all nominations so far.

Nominations close on the 20th so if there's anything not on this list that you want included then get it in now!
1. The Eye of Sauron award for ā€œbest public appearanceā€

- labour conference (in which she turns up 45 minutes late because she's been faffing about with opal fruits and talks about pulling Tories pants down)

- conservative conference (in which she finally did a tiny bit of good with her Instagram platform, posting some graphics to support trussell trust...only to delete the posts a few weeks later once she'd had her paid gig "at conference")

- BBC news free school meals interview

- Del Monte live with Raw chicken juice hands while she's making making upside down, but the right way up, pineapple chicken

- diva.pdf

- 2020 Daily Express Xmas dinner article

2. The Golden Grifty award for ā€œmost egregious waste of money from someone claiming to be poorā€

-
losing a laptop, not having seen it for 5 weeks and not seeming that concerned (the ICO are probably clawing at the floor )

- 16 weeks aparthotel with fully stocked kombucha fridge

- Lip fillers

- Halloween (Wilko Ā£35 dog, and the squid game cosplay with premium brand boiler suit purchased solely to dye pink and wear once)

- army of houseplants ("Feed me tinned fish, Seymour")

- the 2 packets of opal fruits/starburst

- purchasing the designer suit from her diva photoshoot

- all the empty seats she set up for a photoshoot in her garden (if any Frauen ever start a counting crows cover band please call it "Counting Chairs")

- posting crisps and chocolate to strangers in Australia

- Toni & Guy haircut from the most expensive stylist (they say we have a butcher shortage in the UK, but after seeing what they did to Jack's hair I honestly think they should try looking in Southend hair salons)

3. The Full Moon award for ā€œbest chaosā€

- Go Henry debacle

- The Linda McCartney collab & resulting Viggles uprising

- tweeting out a "crying selfie" and tagging Rishi Sunak, chancellor of the Exchequer, in it to beg for money

- Titmas

- live tweeting her frequent toilet movements after she decided to spring clean her digestive tract with a blend of prunes and fermented chilli

- finding 'her' tile stuck to a a train floor and live tweeting her attempts to free it from its filthy prison šŸ¤¢

- Trying to start a pile on against a school on twitter then grovelling

- Fake pregnancy outrage (my fingers are trembling as I type this and I don't know if it's in fear or anticipation of the grunk)

4.The Yes Absolutely award for ā€œmost useless/actively harmful adviceā€

- dryer fluff candle lighters in a tin can-dle holder

- putting glass in the freezer

- ignoring the sugar content of her prune cake and recommending it to diabetics

- put a baking sheet over your sink to keep the washing up water warm

- hold a pan out the window to cool it down (yes, lean it on your plastic window sills, what could possibly go wrong)

- using table salt to make bath salts

- slow cooker bubble bath šŸ˜­

- painting tin cans

- fish oil of varying ages kept in a bottle, together (the smell šŸ¤¢)

5. The Facetune Award for ā€œselfie of the yearā€

- Trifle selfie with anime hair taken in a sunbeam

- 2 X leotard underwear selfie

- 'smartly dressed' Jack in a Farhi jacket, with more layers than an onion in a cold pan

- "if you know you know" higher powered Jack with half moon chaos pupil

- warehouse skirt Jack

- Dib Dab 12 year old boy selfie

- crying rish mate selfie

- cringey meme selfie in SB's sweater

- Cherie Blair/disapproving Tory mum selfie

- Pleather blazer selfie with her pocket of pens sat at a tiny desk

- soft pink curtains selfie

- the carefully staged "hoofing it straight from the pan" selfie

- the 'im so much better now the light is back on in my eyes selfie' (specifically her most recent one at time of posting this)

- "found myself a happy place" selfie in mystery kitchen

- diva.pdf imposter who is not Jack

6. The Mission Inn Star Award for ā€œbest slopā€

- prune cake

- Linda's sausage curry

- ephemeral cassoulet which keeps changing its ingredients

- 2020 Xmas dinner from hell (express article spread - veg peel stuffing loaf, lardY gravy & furry brain pudding)

-The ominous Xmas pudding, looking like a polished gold turd and sparkling away with Southend Chainsaw Massacre audio in the background

- murky riff on peri peri black bean soup, thats not peri peri flavoured

- a grave miso-stake (rancid bowl of yakitori eggs and mushrooms)

- constipated chocolate salami

- caramel pecan butter diarrhoea

- polish yogurt and sausage

- vegan paella

7. The Novak Nail award for ā€œmost entertaining/outrageous lieā€

- Go Henry.

- meekly calling Boris Johnson 'disingenuous' on air then swaggering onto Twitter to claim she'd been cut off early in the interview for calling him a liar

- the diva essay

- I don't own a toaster. Here is my toaster

- Easter Island Holmes advising her to go into politics

- excuses for how she time travels in her selfies e.g "stepped into a sunbeam" "it's just good lighting" "soft pink curtains"

- expelled from school for stealing a scalpel (without her parents ever finding out, and somehow still managing to sit her 4.5 GCSEs)

- not having COVID/getting COVID/having long COVID in a suspiciously short and blurry timeline.

- opening her post for first time in a decade

- special edition lip filler pringles

- jack deliberately turns up to watch ex manager at a supermarket putting out copies of Jack's book in number 1 spot (needless to say, she had the last laugh)

- frequently being whacked in the nose at karate tournaments as a teen (not sure if concurrent to or after the ballet lessons, remember she was not middle class though, not at all)

- Put her Russell Brands through the glass of her Russell Hobb

- uses Pythagoras every day

- lies about the Cabal

- every timescale she gives for when this next book is coming out

- "feeds 6-8" (yeah, 6 to 8 ANTS, Jack, but most of us are trying to feed humans)

8. Missed Deadline Award for ā€œmost urgent item on Kacha's listā€

- household management book (help I have 200 litres of used bubble bath stored in a garage and I need to Jack to release this book so I know how to make them into a bechamel sauce.)

- vegan pineapple upside down cake

-The granola recipe

- column for breakdown magazine

- drawing mom's garden

- HER TAXES



9. The Bad Food for Good Days award for 'favourite' cabal recreation of a Jack Monroe Recipe:

- Turned up in Tipp's lard gravy

- Beautiful Trauma's bake along of prune poo

- Hotes' sentient oats

- Poor Patrol's sloppy scuffins

- Hollaaa's swampy soup

- Traumatised sideboard's -brainrot- headrush spaghetti

- Orphan Black's slow cooker bread

- Fruitjack's jackfruit patties

10. The Silver Poca Plate for ā€œhonorary frau of the yearā€

- Trifle Defender

- ICO squiggle

- Sardine Calender bloke (real or ersatz tattle edition)

- Badger the sheep (I am so sorry badger & Falkor! How could I forget about this little lamb, he's so big now!)
- the viggles!

- Terry the Sparrow (rest in slop)

- Mr Kachoochoo (for providing the Jack face mask)

Disqualified/can't find:

This morning, the 200 units a day claim, and the rat tail selfie all happened before December 1st 2020 so sadly couldn't put them on.

I couldn't find when she said to buy yellow sticker items and deep fry them, or lost laptop* but that might just be me not using tattle's search feature well so if anyone has found either of them let me know and link me to the post/thread

I'm still trying to find the anchovy and avocado breakfast, and I'm now looking for toe nail soup (remind me why I do this again šŸ˜‚) - if anyone has a photo of either or a link to relevant thread then please let me know and thank (space) you in advance x

I've decided to leave the 'fugue state' off even though the phrase itself is hilarious and has become a welcome part of tattle frau-nacular. On the off chance it's true then it's not something to laugh at and we'd all feel terrible if it turned out she was actually being honest for once, and even if it is total fiction, it was really upsetting for a lot of fraus.

*Edit: Laptop story has been located and moved to 2.
Thanks dear heart Sidey B! šŸ’–
 
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1 Labour party opal fruits debacle
2 Halloween costume &Wilko plastic Cerberus
3 Go Henry
4.Using baking tray to keep washing up water warm
5. Dip Dab Boy
6 Bell end curry
7 Diva pdf
9. Faux Poor's Scuffins
10. Trifle Defender
 
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it's too hard and too funny! I hope I have voted well

btw, not to sway you or owt, but if mr kcc wins (unlikely I know), he says I'm allowed to post a topless picture of him!
 
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I wish multiple votes were allowed to give first, second and third places for each category. Some of them were so hard to choose! I'd already voted for Mr KCC but I only want to see him topless if he's in a nice sunbeam, wearing the cat balaclava and hoofing sardines straight from a saucepan.
 
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I wish multiple votes were allowed to give first, second and third places for each category. Some of them were so hard to choose! I'd already voted for Mr KCC but I only want to see him topless if he's in a nice sunbeam, wearing the cat balaclava and hoofing sardines straight from a saucepan.
this can be arranged...

anyway, have fun voting everyone!
 
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Woo hoo!!! I know sometimes people exaggerate on the internet(!) but Iā€™m honestly so excited to vote! Thank you @Switchstreetz for putting this together, I canā€™t get over how professional you make it all look!


ETA. I take it back, this is not fun! Trying to chose ā€œbest lieā€ is harder than a brick cake šŸ˜­
 
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