The dangers of Facebook.... (please help)

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Good morning, well it’s not a good morning I feel utter horrendous with no sleeping for the second night in a row.

Blame me, I don’t care but I did the most criminal thing known to man. Yes, I snooped on FB. But what I discovered has completely crushed me, so can I ask for everyone’s opinion?

I was with someone for 12 years, I have 3 children with him & he cheated on me early on. I forgave him but kept an open eye at night as we were expecting our first child, fast forward we had a further two but there were so many bumps along the way, I just wish I had my children with someone else. 😞

Anyway, me & my children live happily on our own & he speaks to me pretty much every day asking how we all are, credit where credit it due, he does pay maintenance every month. So I’m not going to damage his reputation in that respect, he hasn’t seen the kids property for a long time he blames 3 lockdowns, video calls erm... 4 in the last year & that is only because I’ve pushed for him to see them. No figuratively speaking, it’s my effort.

However, curiosity got the better of me last night & I snooped on his FB on an anonymous profile. I saw he has pictures of me & kids on his profile, saying how proud he is of his kids.... but. The person he cheated with, seems to be “loving” the pictures of my child. It doesn’t sit well with me. I can’t say anything to him, because he will threaten no maintenance which is the little help I do receive. He will also go incredibly defence like before & threaten police, like before.... do you see the pattern? Last time we had an argument I had a police welfare check done against me & I never forgave him for that.

I can’t speak up, but I’ve asked him nicely to not post pictures on his FB his response was “they’re my kids I pay for them.” But he doesn’t know, I know.
I’m slightly isolated, I can’t just pretend what I’ve seen, I don’t care for the matter it’s him, I care because my children are involved. I said I don’t like my children’s pictures on social media but he doesn’t understand what I’m trying to say because he “knows all his friends”

can anyone help me with this? I can’t approach him, but I feel awful.
 
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I feel your pain, I have regretted snooping many times - nothing good ever comes of it but I never learn!

I have to say though, it sounds more like your issue is that the woman he cheated on you with has seen and ‘liked’ the pictures, rather than your issue being that your children are on his social media for the whole world to see (assuming his profile is public, as you saw it anonymously?). I can see why that would hurt you, it would hurt me too.

If his profile is public then I can understand you not wanting the kids photos on there - could you try and explain this to him (and give clear reasons why, not just say you don’t like it) and ask that he makes those photos private for only his friends to see, unless he makes his whole profile private?

if the issue is that you just don’t like ‘her’ seeing them, then unfortunately that’s something you can’t control or change, and you will need to find a way to process it and get over it/forget about it (sorry this all sounds so harsh but I can’t think of the right words to use to soften the blow).

maybe block his profile from your anonymous account? It might not take the temptation away but you might think twice about looking while you have to go through all the steps to unblock him.
 
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I think from reading your post there are a number of things at play here, which may be equally upsetting to you but not all within your gift to do anything about.

Firstly, as @Lac1985 said and you acknowledge, the snooping probably isn’t a good idea. I think we often do the social media stalking when we’re feeling a bit fragile or sensitive (worst time to do it) or self-destructive (to beat ourselves up), or when we sense something is wrong/have a point to prove. If it’s a combination of all three then we will find something we don’t like with a bit of digging and we’re not actually left feeling any better for it. Just a lot worse.

If you had genuine concerns about your ex - his behaviour, treatment of the children when he’s with them, that he was lying to you (perhaps about maintenance), then maybe the FB thing would make sense. It doesn’t seem that’s the case.

If you really have a problem with him sharing photos of your kids on an open social media platform I would suggest tackling this with him from the perspective of your kids security. There is an article here that summarises some of the issues around it. I think a few years ago people sharing photos of their kids and other people’s was a lot more prevalent, but as things like FB develop you can see some of the flaws and concerns.

There was a very alarming programme on C4 recently called Undercover Police: Hunting Paedophiles which touched on some of the ways that police were trying to catch them. Children’s images online, even fairly innocent can be shared around, children possibly contacted online if too much about their identity is shared etc. You can’t be too careful when it comes to your online security and your kids.

You can say you’ve read something or maybe watched a programme that’s unsettled you and ask him if he would mind making his profile private or at least any photos of the kids only visible to his friends list.

The harder issue to resolve is your relationship with your ex. His new gf liking a photo is pretty innocuous. If she was somehow trying to take ownership of them I could understand you having a problem but by your own admission, their father is not seeing them in person so she won’t be either. I’m sure if you put the emotions aside you would recognise that it would be better for your kids to have a friendly relationship with someone who could be in their lives for a few years rather than a hostile one where she expects your ex to choose her and have no contact with them.

Do you think that you are over your ex? I don’t necessarily mean over having feelings for him, but over to the point of being able to let go of the hurt and mentally move on. It sounds like he has and if you haven’t that will always be a challenge.

It may not be something you or he would consider, but have you thought about mediation to discuss any remaining issues relating to how to co-parent? You can’t live in fear of the police turning up on your doorstep.
 
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Thank you, sorry I didn’t reply sooner. Work today.
I’m not quite over it i don’t think, him especially. I’m just in a very bad place, I don’t know where to turn. It’s hard currently x
 
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Thank you, sorry I didn’t reply sooner. Work today.
I’m not quite over it i don’t think, him especially. I’m just in a very bad place, I don’t know where to turn. It’s hard currently x
Sorry to hear that. I’m not sure how long ago you split, but life can be very lonely particularly at the moment. Try if you can to reach out to some friends or family for a bit of a chat on a regular basis. Talking about things is better than bottling it up.

Although I hate platitudes (trust me, they make me want to punch people in the face): time does help. Eventually you’ll reach a place when you won’t miss him, just what he represented, and beyond that point I hope you find someone new who will treat you better. You deserve it x
 
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I’m so lonely, I can’t begin to explain how much I would love a little companionship at night time. Even just watching a film or a conversation. I’m not asking for much, but I’m not getting anything. I shouldn’t have snooped but my god it’s broken me into two.
 
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If he's your ex, it doesn't matter how much of a dick he is, its none of your business. (Don't mean in a nasty way just an honest way, I have an ex who is a total dick too so I get it). Even if he's a crappy parent he still is their parent and can post any pics of them all day long and you get no say because you're his ex. Thats the reality. You also get no say about who views the pics or likes them or if he has his profile public. Its his business. Im not saying its nice but thats the truth. Bottom line: when someone becomes your ex, what they do on their time is none of your business, even if it involves your kids, unless it is something illegal.
 
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I may have got this wrong but I feel like perhaps your issue is jealousy over being lonely and him possibly having this woman in his life. I know it’s hard in lockdown but you obviously would like someone in your life have you thought about moving on and looking for another partner?

If you have a issues regarding the photos of your children on his open social media that’s a separate issue that you need to raise with him without any mention of the woman and without being too derogatory towards him. As others have said perhaps say you seen a documentary or a little white lie to say a friend of a friend has had an issue. Be factual and honest about your concerns maybe just suggest that he has a private profile but that might indicate that you’ve been looking.