Step children...

Hi all!

Just wanted to see if I'm normal really....

I have a 3 year old step-daughter and I love her so so much, I treat her as if she is my own child and genuinely feel like I couldn't love her more if I tried.

I'm with her Dad and it feels like I am the one who pushes him to see her and makes all the effort...

In films it's always the evil step mum, am I weird to love her like my own?

No why would it be weird? If you were my child’s step parent that’s exactly how I would want you to treat them. A child can never have too much love

Rocknrolla said:

No why would it be weird? If you were my child’s step parent that’s exactly how I would want you to treat them. A child can never have too much love

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Just feels odd as people look at me strangely when I buy her things etc. Her Mum doesn't like the fact I love her but I try to ignore it x

I think its lovely how much you care for her and treat her like your own

My dad met my mum when she was pregnant with me and they got together when i was 6 weeks old. He might not be related to me by blood but he loves me like his own

spiderpig said:

Just feels odd as people look at me strangely when I buy her things etc. Her Mum doesn't like the fact I love her but I try to ignore it x

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That’s a shame, surely she would rather her daughter have a step mum that genuinely cares for her rather than one that doesn’t like her. She probably feels threatened by your relationship with her. You’re right to ignore it though, I’m sure it’s quite common in step families

Stripper Vicar said:

I think its lovely how much you care for her and treat her like your own

My dad met my mum when she was pregnant with me and they got together when i was 6 weeks old. He might not be related to me by blood but he loves me like his own

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That's lovely! I think i feel like it as my step dad has been the best role model to me my whole life x

StrawberryCream said:

That’s a shame, surely she would rather her daughter have a step mum that genuinely cares for her rather than one that doesn’t like her. She probably feels threatened by your relationship with her. You’re right to ignore it though, I’m sure it’s quite common in step families

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She says she doesn't need me to care or need me to be involved. I think it's just out of spite x

Sounds lovely and you’re doing a great job. Well done on encouraging him to see her more x

spiderpig said:

That's lovely! I think i feel like it as my step dad has been the best role model to me my whole life x


She says she doesn't need me to care or need me to be involved. I think it's just out of spite x

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That's awful. It's lovely that you care so much for her.

As long as the little girl is happy, that's all that matters. I'm sure she would have an opinion if you was the complete opposite.

I think your situation is pretty common. However some step mums would prefer him not to engage with his child so i'd say your doing a pretty great job and your a great role model in the kids life

Lullabella22 said:

Sounds lovely and you’re doing a great job. Well done on encouraging him to see her more x

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Thank you xx

spiderpig said:

Hi all!

Just wanted to see if I'm normal really....

I have a 3 year old step-daughter and I love her so so much, I treat her as if she is my own child and genuinely feel like I couldn't love her more if I tried.

I'm with her Dad and it feels like I am the one who pushes him to see her and makes all the effort...

In films it's always the evil step mum, am I weird to love her like my own?

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Hi,

In answer to your question, I’d say no.
I’m a step mum too and met my (now) husband when his children were very young so they don’t know any different.

At the beginning I was a little bit more hands off as I didn’t want to tread on their mum’s toes but as time went on it’s like we fell in love with each other. I didn’t instantly love them like I did with my own but we grew into it and same for my stepchildren.

Now they live with us full time and don’t see or speak to their mum now (their choice) and they think of me as their mum and I treat them and refer to them as my own children. I love them fiercely.

Being a step parent is hard especially if the biological parent doesn’t like it or makes life difficult but my mantra to her throughout those early years was that all I want to be is a positive influence on them. Their life with her was very chaotic to say the least, there were a lot of issues and me and their dad provided love, stability and routine which they craved - hence why they wanted to live with us.

They’re teenagers now and I’m extremely proud of them especially because of everything they went through with their mum. They’re well rounded, polite, decent, respectful and emotionally stable (as teenagers can be ) young people.

Stick with it, ride out the tough times and keep doing what you’re doing, you sound lovely and your stepchild is lucky to have you

My ex had a daughter from a previous relationship. I would have loved the opportunity to be get to know her and be part of her life. My first instinct was welcoming. Turns out her dad wasn't involved with her life .

I think it’s great you treat her like you’re own, some step-parents can’t or won’t involve themselves to that extent (for a number of reasons)

I’m just thinking of it from her mum’s point of view. The little girl is still really young so it might not have been a huge amount of time ago that she split up with the girl’s dad, so maybe there’s underlying resentment/problems. Plus if I split up with my husband and he met someone else I might say that too - sounds like she’s reminding you that the girl has a mum already.

When you say people look at you strangely when you buy her stuff, who are the people and what are you buying? I’m just asking for context as I sense it’s getting to you that people are questioning things

I’m not a step mum, but a mum who split from my sons dad when he was quite young. Perhaps she’s annoyed as it could feel like he only makes the effort when there’s a woman in his life? Which isn’t fair on the child, and she may be thinking if it doesn’t last (which some relationships don’t, not saying yours in particular) where does that leave her child. It’s not your fault, just something to consider.

There could be a couple of other things going on for the Mum (none of which are your fault and you’re not doing anything wrong as long as you have the little ones best interests at heart which it sounds like you do). Also not saying these are all rational, it’s just some possible reasons from my own experience, being 100% honest even though I don’t think I’m necessarily in the right if that makes sense.

Agree with a previous poster about underlying resentment, when my sons dad re-partnered I was resentful because he couldn’t get his shit together to make our relationship work (I ended it because of alcohol abuse). And it felt like why could he do that to be with someone else.

I really struggled doing it on my own and really missed my son when I didn’t have him, if felt unfair that someone who caused our relationship breakdown was now playing happy families with my child and a complete stranger got to spend time with my child when I didn’t.

He also introduced her way too fast (8 days of knowing her) which upset me and I partly held that against her and decided I didn’t like her.

Do you see the Mum? Are you able to have a quick word with her? I would’ve really appreciated being introduced to my sons dads partner (before she met our child in an ideal world), and her saying something about how she’s not there to tread on my toes, she cares for him and she’s just hoping to be a positive role model in his life, but respects her position and me.

Like I said you’re not doing anything wrong, I just wanted to give some perspective on why she might be saying that and feeling that way

Absolutely not! Unfortunately my dad and step mum are no longer married but they were married for 15 years and she had 3 children of her own who lived with their dads and we used to my dads every other weekend and it was honestly the best years of my life. I think I’d have been about 3 when they got together and I’ll be honest I was a little shit for her when they first got together but I soon stopped and I loved the absolute bones off my step mum she always classed me as her own, it was her I first told when I started my period she really was my second mum. I think it’s so special when you have a bond like that with step parents/siblings. She’s very lucky that she has you

spiderpig said:

Just feels odd as people look at me strangely when I buy her things etc. Her Mum doesn't like the fact I love her but I try to ignore it x

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I’ve been a stepmum for 13 years now…I don’t feel old enough

When me and my partner first got together, there was animosity between us and their mum. I was just trying to be a nice person and show my partner that I could be good with his kids. One day I received a message from his ex asking who I thought I was (she’d seen some photos of me and the kids together on FB). Then when me and my partner moved in together she text me annoyed that he didn’t let her know.

In hindsight, I agree why she sent both of these messages. We were all late teens at this point (so young!) and no one was every trying to hurt anyone else, but we were still finding our feet with the situation.

Fast forward 13 years, we get on well. I do most of the ferrying around of the kids and can easily hold a conversation with her if I see her. We text each other for favours and can (mostly) agree about things when it comes to the now teens are their behaviour

It just takes time and for everyone to find a routine that suits them.

You’re doing nothing wrong by loving her though

My stepdad came into my life when I was about 16. I was hesitant at first because it was my mum and I was just at that awkward teenage age where I didn't want someone taking my mum away from me. Here I am now 31 and my stepdad is one of my best mates and has done so much for me, he has loved me like his own. We all go on holiday together and meet up every other week for drinks etc. Before I moved in with my boyfriend, my stepdad would stand at the kitchen window waiting on me coming home from work and would have my dinner ready for me! He is the most amazing human. I sometimes feel I have a better relationship with him than my dad but I do love them both the same. They both mean the world to me. I really do feel so lucky to have such a lovely stepdad. My step-mother was always a wonderful woman too and I loved and respected her like she was my second mother, she sadly passed away when I was around 20/21.

Hats off to you for being a fantastic step-mummy and well done on encouraging your partner Doing a fantastic job, surely more mothers out there should want that for their kids. XX