hApPy MoNdAy siSsYs
Did you know that Mondays are my favourite days of the week? On Sunday nights, Kurtimous and I lay in bed discussing our goalz for the week and I get giggly thinking about how much of a milf I am when I make lists for the week. So hawt!
Then on Monday morningsand tuesdays and wednesdays and fridays we drop Fox off at my mum's house because I can't be arsed looking after my baby when I have a super-long list of goalz to tick off that includes standing like a centaur and getting my hair and nails done.
On this week's list, I have to fit in 17 workout sessions because I'm finally seeing my abz again after Fox rUiNeD my body and the evil doctors didn't stop him! I also have to insta story a 20 minute rant about how I, Sarah's Day the Pink Princess of all things holistic, diagnosed my son's UTI when even the wEsTeRn mEdIcInE doctor couldn't, and I am now treating Fox and myself with a pink laxative so that we'll both be super healthy. If it doesn't work, I'll just leave him SCREAMING in pain and wait it out, just like I did with his reflux. I am the greatest mother ever and I know this is what my child needs.
The last thing on my exhaustive list is to tease a SuperSecretProject that will later be mired in controversy; like the time I attempted to donate only $1 out of every $50 from my product sales to the Australian bush fires, or that other time I culturally appropriated amidst the civil uprising of the BLM movement, or the time Kurtimous used people's burning homes as a backdrop for his photoshoot, or that other time I hosted a fundraiser only to sit on the donations I collected and forgot to transfer them to the charities...you know, all the usual whoopsies we make when we're milf boss babes!
Don't worry if I never actually mention said secretproject again like my Bali retreat that was cancelled without a mention or a refund to those who booked, or my cooking app- that definitely doesn't include a ton of recipes I've stolen from online paleo forums and then turned into grey watery mush- which was supposed to be released in May.
I don't mean to sound negative and I promise I'll stop complaining now.
Only... did you know I'm stuck in Townsville and this place is awful! It's not like Sydney where all the coffee shops open at 5am, here everyone is asleep and I WANT MY COFFEE NOW! What is wrong with the people here? It's not like this in Sydney! We're all white and entitled and aesthetically pleasing there. And we get breakfast and coffeethat is sponsored so I don't have to pay for it as early as we'd like it!
I'm just so bored here! I can't believe I have to put up with Kurt's family for 2 whole days before I can finally jet off to Byron to secure my #SponsoredToTheHilt wedding! It's going to be everything I ever dreamed of, and I'm not paying for any of it! Wheeeee! We're going to have white linens and white roses everywhere- so that my naturally olive skin really stands out in the photos, of course! And we're going to have pink cotton candy on every table because I love pink and the wedding photos will go perfectly with my instagram grid.
Kurt really wants some element of the outback in the wedding- as if! This is MY wedding, this is MY day to shine, I've been dreaming about this since I was 5 days old! He wouldn't have a career or 2 multi-million dollar properties without me. Does he think Elements of Byron would gift him this wedding if he were marrying anyone else?! HA! It's all in my name and this MY dream wedding. He should count himself lucky to be invited! The nerve of that man!
Oops, do I sound negative? I'm not complaining you guize! I'm just saying that he acts like he's tired just because he's suffering from severe anxiety, walking the dog, waking up early to take care of our son, renovating MY house at all hours of the day, whilst also shooting for his clients. Does he think that's exhausting? Does he not understand how tired I am?! I posted 25 insta stories in the last 10 minutes AND I've deleted thousands of comments pointing out my hypocrisy and lies! That is hard work. I'm SOOOO busy and tired, he should be catering to me!
Sorry, I really don't mean to be that negative you guize; I want a super positive tribe!
It's just that nobody understands me because you're all too stupid to see that I'm running 2 businesses and stealing all your money with my plagiarized products! How could you idiots who still idolize me when all I do is insult you possibly understand what a milfbossbabe I really am! Fools!
Oh and I had a ton of DMs asking me what size I'm wearing in this P.E.Nation rip off today. It's an EXTRA SMALL you guiz! Not a small, not a medium that I should be wearing- it's an EXTRA small because I'm such small human! Look at my abzzzz! No, don't look at the rest of my body! I said, focus on my abz! They're the only thing that's popping.
Okay, I have to get back to the boring Townsville house and spend time with Kurt's family. Sigh. The sacrifices I make for that man! He's lucky to have me. Oh well, at least I get to hop on a plane and head to Byron in a few hours.
What's that you say? Borders closing? Coronavirus? Shouldn't be travelling with a sick kid when I'm from a hot zone? Oh, don't worry. Look at this Bible passage; it was written just for me. It says I'll be spared because I'm a super special holistic princess. It does. jesus said so!
What? I may spread it to other people who are vulnerable? It's okay, my dad said on Facebook that those people are the scum of the earth and they deserve what they get!
Stop hAtInG on me you guiz! I'm being super positive and you're ruining my vibe!
Thanks @Spindrifter for the thread title! Let's do this!
Did you know that Mondays are my favourite days of the week? On Sunday nights, Kurtimous and I lay in bed discussing our goalz for the week and I get giggly thinking about how much of a milf I am when I make lists for the week. So hawt!
Then on Monday mornings
On this week's list, I have to fit in 17 workout sessions because I'm finally seeing my abz again after Fox rUiNeD my body and the evil doctors didn't stop him! I also have to insta story a 20 minute rant about how I, Sarah's Day the Pink Princess of all things holistic, diagnosed my son's UTI when even the wEsTeRn mEdIcInE doctor couldn't, and I am now treating Fox and myself with a pink laxative so that we'll both be super healthy. If it doesn't work, I'll just leave him SCREAMING in pain and wait it out, just like I did with his reflux. I am the greatest mother ever and I know this is what my child needs.
The last thing on my exhaustive list is to tease a SuperSecretProject that will later be mired in controversy; like the time I attempted to donate only $1 out of every $50 from my product sales to the Australian bush fires, or that other time I culturally appropriated amidst the civil uprising of the BLM movement, or the time Kurtimous used people's burning homes as a backdrop for his photoshoot, or that other time I hosted a fundraiser only to sit on the donations I collected and forgot to transfer them to the charities...you know, all the usual whoopsies we make when we're milf boss babes!
Don't worry if I never actually mention said secretproject again like my Bali retreat that was cancelled without a mention or a refund to those who booked, or my cooking app- that definitely doesn't include a ton of recipes I've stolen from online paleo forums and then turned into grey watery mush- which was supposed to be released in May.
I don't mean to sound negative and I promise I'll stop complaining now.
Only... did you know I'm stuck in Townsville and this place is awful! It's not like Sydney where all the coffee shops open at 5am, here everyone is asleep and I WANT MY COFFEE NOW! What is wrong with the people here? It's not like this in Sydney! We're all white and entitled and aesthetically pleasing there. And we get breakfast and coffee
I'm just so bored here! I can't believe I have to put up with Kurt's family for 2 whole days before I can finally jet off to Byron to secure my #SponsoredToTheHilt wedding! It's going to be everything I ever dreamed of, and I'm not paying for any of it! Wheeeee! We're going to have white linens and white roses everywhere- so that my naturally olive skin really stands out in the photos, of course! And we're going to have pink cotton candy on every table because I love pink and the wedding photos will go perfectly with my instagram grid.
Kurt really wants some element of the outback in the wedding- as if! This is MY wedding, this is MY day to shine, I've been dreaming about this since I was 5 days old! He wouldn't have a career or 2 multi-million dollar properties without me. Does he think Elements of Byron would gift him this wedding if he were marrying anyone else?! HA! It's all in my name and this MY dream wedding. He should count himself lucky to be invited! The nerve of that man!
Oops, do I sound negative? I'm not complaining you guize! I'm just saying that he acts like he's tired just because he's suffering from severe anxiety, walking the dog, waking up early to take care of our son, renovating MY house at all hours of the day, whilst also shooting for his clients. Does he think that's exhausting? Does he not understand how tired I am?! I posted 25 insta stories in the last 10 minutes AND I've deleted thousands of comments pointing out my hypocrisy and lies! That is hard work. I'm SOOOO busy and tired, he should be catering to me!
Sorry, I really don't mean to be that negative you guize; I want a super positive tribe!
It's just that nobody understands me because you're all too stupid to see that I'm running 2 businesses and stealing all your money with my plagiarized products! How could you idiots who still idolize me when all I do is insult you possibly understand what a milfbossbabe I really am! Fools!
Oh and I had a ton of DMs asking me what size I'm wearing in this P.E.Nation rip off today. It's an EXTRA SMALL you guiz! Not a small, not a medium that I should be wearing- it's an EXTRA small because I'm such small human! Look at my abzzzz! No, don't look at the rest of my body! I said, focus on my abz! They're the only thing that's popping.
Okay, I have to get back to the boring Townsville house and spend time with Kurt's family. Sigh. The sacrifices I make for that man! He's lucky to have me. Oh well, at least I get to hop on a plane and head to Byron in a few hours.
What's that you say? Borders closing? Coronavirus? Shouldn't be travelling with a sick kid when I'm from a hot zone? Oh, don't worry. Look at this Bible passage; it was written just for me. It says I'll be spared because I'm a super special holistic princess. It does. jesus said so!
What? I may spread it to other people who are vulnerable? It's okay, my dad said on Facebook that those people are the scum of the earth and they deserve what they get!
Stop hAtInG on me you guiz! I'm being super positive and you're ruining my vibe!
Thanks @Spindrifter for the thread title! Let's do this!
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I read it with her voice in my head.
Which, from an actual chef, will definitely look and taste better than the crap she dishes up.
