Relationship with step child - no judgement, need advice.

[spillthetea22]

As the title reads, please no judgement, I’m just after advice, and support from anyone who has been in a similar situation. I’m not a horrible person, I’m just being honest.

I’ve been with my partner for 3.5 years, he has a 9.5 year old son. I don’t live with my partner and his son. I myself have a 12 year old son who I have the best relationship with. Honestly was so pleased that my partner had a son I thought it was ideal as we had an instant connection over it.

I had a rocky start with his son due to the fact my partners ex is the actual devil. Anyway we got past that and after a few months I was introduced to his son. It was very clear (I won’t go into detail) that his son had been poisoned against me by the ex and so I knew it was going to be more difficult but I was up for the challenge. I had my own son who is lovely and also adore all of my friends kids.

After 3.5 year we have developed zero and I mean zero relationship. If I’m being honest he irritates the hell out of me. I’ve tried to bond with him but he doesn’t like or take joy from anything. He’s just obsessed with the PlayStation 24/7. What doesn’t help is that he swears, has no manners and treats my partner like his live in slave. Which makes me dislike him.
I’m a bit of a discliplinarian and enforce my parenting skills when I’m around him and to be fair he likes my routine and never a argues back.
I’ve tried to arrange days out for us, he literally doesn’t enjoy them, he’s so miserable, and I take games over for us to play but he’s not interested.

Because of this I avoid seeing him, and probably only see him once a month properly and even that’s painful.

I know I sound awful but I really do want a relationship with him. I love my partner and we argue about it all the time as he says I’ve got no relationship with his son. Which I agree with but I feel like I’m at my wits end with it.

It really gets me down.

Does anyone have any advice? Or has been in a similar situation and they’ve managed to form a relationship?

Again please no judgement. x

 

[Rose94]

Hi
I would probably try get to the bottom of how things are at his mums house. Does she treat him well (bar being the devil ), what’s his behaviour like at home etc…. If he has a crap life at his mums he may see his dads as his release where he can just chill out on his PS4, or maybe he’s a bit depressed if he’s miserable and doesn’t wanna leave the house.
if you don’t feel comfortable asking him I’d get your partner to x

 

[spillthetea22]

I should have also said that my partner is not very helpful at all with it. He just expects it all to be on me. I’ve asked him to help by setting up bonding opportunities for us. And letting me take his son out for an hour or so on my own as I actually get on better with him when we are alone as my partner isn’t there biting a hole in the back of my head, adding pressure. It’s more natural.
He doesn’t have a great home life. His mum isn’t great.

 

[Tommyb]

Sorry to say I think you have a partner problem. He treats your partner like a slave because he can. He swears because he can. Noone is parenting him. His dad needs to step up really for both you and his son. Sounds like the son is not being parented correctly at his mum's or dads so his dad really needs to step up. It's not your place and shouldn't be your responsibility.

You sound lovely. I did not have a great experience with my step mum. She was very cruel and I was only 4. I can imagine it's challenging with the way his ex is (my dad and stepmum used to badmouth my mum to me) but the older they get the more they realise what's going on.

 

[Lucozadelover]

I’m married to my husband 3 years now and we have our own child and I still have no relationship with his son from a previous relationship. He only is allowed speak to him on the phone since we got together even though he had been split from his partners years was nothing to do with me or anything but she’s so jealous and bitter he moved on (she abused and bullied him when they were together) and she never found anyone else yet

 

[Apple In My Pie]

Tbh I think this is your partner’s turf. I’m not a parent but I am a stepchild and have been for almost all of my 23 years and if my stepmom ever tried to discipline or parent me it would make me feel so uncomfortable - I get that you want to and you would be in the right to as it’s your home and he’s getting on your nerves a bit, but it just never would have worked for me because I only ever saw my dad as my dad and therefore the disciplinarian - not the relatively new stepmom who I barely knew. The kid is swearing and treating your partner like tit because your partner is letting him do so. And it’s probably soured his (the son’s) relationship with you from the off because if you’ve been disciplining him - you’re a stranger to him and his dad is siding with you over him (e.g. he could see it as his dad seeing you discipline him and siding with you not him - so he probably feels a bit put out and like you are both against him — even if he is being a tit — which in his eyes maybe makes him think there’s no point in behaving. Whereas if his dad laid down the law then he might listen a bit more.

Same goes for outings. I love my stepmom now and we get on well but I’d not go out with her alone, maybe now I am an adult yes but never as a child. The only thing we have in common is my dad so I felt awkward if it was just us and felt much more at ease if my dad was there too. Your partner is like the glue, the missing link, so he should be trying to get you to bond together IMO.

The PlayStation is by the by i think. My eleven year old brother is glued to his and miserable as sin if we try and remove him from it, even to do nice things! He turned down his birthday meal to stay on his PlayStation. A birthday meal!

I think you sound lovely FWIW, like you’re really trying to make a go of it - some step parents don’t even do that.

 

[trancejunkie]

Sorry to say I think you have a partner problem. He treats your partner like a slave because he can. He swears because he can. Noone is parenting him. His dad needs to step up really for both you and his son. Sounds like the son is not being parented correctly at his mum's or dads so his dad really needs to step up. It's not your place and shouldn't be your responsibility.

You sound lovely. I did not have a great experience with my step mum. She was very cruel and I was only 4. I can imagine it's challenging with the way his ex is (my dad and stepmum used to badmouth my mum to me) but the older they get the more they realise what's going on.

This, one million times over!
It's not your job to be the primary carer of your partner's child. You need to encourage your partner to embrace parenting far more and to be a role model for both children in your household. Otherwise this will impact on your own kid - which will hurt you even more than you can imagine.

 

[spillthetea22]

Thank you all so much for your lovely replies.

I 100% agree with all of the comments about my partner. I’ve also addressed this so many times and said he needs to step up more and it’s not all on me.
By him not doing it, he’s also not getting what he wants, which is for me to step up.

I think he sees how much of a good mum I am to my son and wants me to be the same with his son because he doesn’t get the same from his mum at home. And I’m happy to step up (though I would never over step the mark, even though the ex is shite at parenting), but he has to support as well. It’s his son he knows him better then anyone.

It’s really nice to hear your comments, as sometimes I think I’m going crazy when he’s telling me it’s all on me.

I am also a stepchild, have a step mum and dad, and know the importance of the relationship if we have any hope of eventually living together.

I’m hoping that as he gets older it gets easier but I know that’s probably wishful thinking. I do see a sweet boy behind all of the drama. I even ask my son what I can do as he gets along ok with him, but kids see if from a different point of view and just get on with it. xx

 

[Noseynelly19]

Does your stepson know you are a stepchild? You both have that in common. Once I found out my stepdad was a stepchild I was able to open up. It took time, but he understood my feelings and had gone through the struggles.

 

[PersonalityMaven]

Although I do agree that it is your partner's responsibility, the reality is that he has not owned that responsibility to this point and it's not particularly likely that will change. To get as close as possible to a realistic solution I think it helps to understand the individual personalities involved.

I'm going to guess that your step son feels overwhelmingly powerless in the whole situation with each of his parents separately and as his parental unit. I'm also going to guess that his personality is particularly sensitive to feeling powerless. When you put those two together, the result is a cycle of going nowhere fast. You obviously are a very empathic grown up who relates to every child where they are. I think it might be helpful to Pivot your Focus from the big picture of the relationship and the household to an in-the-moment attention to the possibility that every aspect of your stepsons Behavior is a reaction to the feeling of powerlessness in his life.

Unfortunately you do not really have access to change the things that are actually causing that feeling of helplessness. And as positive as your intentions are, when you try to take on the responsibility to change that status quo, you add your own powerlessness to the equation. But my perspective is that if you are able to simply hold the space for the reality of your stepson feeling powerless that will create the foundation for your relationship with him to get unstuck as he matures.

 

[Allthebesthandsomes]

Is he generally an unhappy child ? Because if the mother had been trying to poison him against you or his father at 9 years old he must be very confused! The PlayStation is probably an escape and kids will play it all day if allowed which I wouldn’t allow myself as a parent.
It doesn’t sound like you it’s the child being awkward his father not stepping up and taking charge. You can’t really parent him as it’s a delicate situation. I would wonder if he’s anxious and unhappy because you don’t know what goes on in the mothers house is he absorbing negativity and then picks up vibes and stress at yours? Just my opinion in a similar situation