Relationship Advice- My MIL is ruining my relationship

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Hey guys, I don’t know if I’m posting in the right place but I’m just wanting an outsiders opinion. My relationship is on the rocks at the moment because of my MIL and my partner who is clearly a mummy’s boy. I’ll give a bit of back story-
So I have a 7 year old son with my ex (who MIL barely acknowledges), and a 14 month old and 5 week old with my partner. We run a business together and last year bought a house together. His mother has always disliked the fact I have a son with my ex which quite frankly I can’t see the issue as my partner is like a second dad to him and we all co-parent amazingly and get on well (unlike her and my partners dad who can’t even be around each other). She has never made much of an effort at all with our two children, yet caused a big son and dance when my 14 month old was about 10 months demanding she wanted her one day a week, this was absolutely fine with me as by this point I was exhausted and glad she finally offered to help out (she lives 5 mins drive away). She chose what day she wanted to have her and then was so inconsistent, constantly letting us down last minute, or leaving baby with her husband for long periods of time and disappearing out for lunch with her friends etc. Now this didn’t bother my partner as much as it did me, as after all he gets to physically leave the house to work, my side of the business I do from home albeit hard work with kids to look after at the same time. We bought our first house and that’s when she started getting weird, it’s almost like she doesn’t like how tied to me her son is. We are not married but have discussed doing it one day, I would rather elope but obviously he wants his mum there to hold his hand or whatever. Whilst renovating our house she has insulted everything I’ve done to it, yes me because I’m the one at home doing it whilst being pregnant with my 3rd child. She then started making sly comments about how I need to lose weight etc (I’m only a size 10 when not pregnant!) my partner always laughs along with everything she says because if he ever dares disagree with her she cuts him off and basically asks for everything back she’s ever done for him in his 35 years he’s been alive. When I had my son by emergency c-section 5 weeks ago, she decided from then she didn’t want to have our other child anymore, she was straight round as soon as we got home a few days later with the baby, but we haven’t seen her since. My partner had to return to work after a week so luckily my mum dropped everything to come help as much as possible which I’m so grateful for. Until today she contacted my partner asking him to go round and to take the children to see her, obviously I went as I’m breastfeeding 5 wk old. She was not happy I was there, she then offered to have 14 month old Tuesday as she hadn’t had her for weeks, which as annoying it is that she wasn’t there to help when we probably needed her most, we agreed, that was until her husband dropped her in it that he would be looking after her until MIL got back from shopping and lunch with her friends that day. This caused a huge argument between me and my partner, as I have a family member who is on the sex offenders register and it was a relative everyone would LEAST expect to do something of the sort. 14 month old is a girl, in nappies, and I hardly know this man, as neither does my partner. It doesn’t sit right with me her being left in his care because of my own paranoia and anxiety because of what my relative had done. I’ve asked my partner to speak to his mum and say because of this we would rather her just pick her up when she’s at home and her not be left with others, but my partner says I’m being pathetic and need to grow up. We’ve non stop argued about this tonight, and I do feel like he doesn’t understand my worries come from me wanting to protect my children and not leave them with strangers, rather than accusing his stepfather of doing anything sinister as I would never make such an accusation. The way we have argued tonight and there’s been a number of other issues I’ve had with his mum which make me think I don’t think I can be tied to this family for the rest of my life. I’m constantly down and fed up, my partner seems to have it so easy getting to go out to work 5 days a week, and since having the kids I’m stuck in the house 24/7. If I leave him I know he wouldn’t make my life easy as his mum would tell him what to do, I’d be on my own with 3 kids, I then no longer have a job, but the business would 100% go under without my input and I wouldn’t want that for my partner. So what I think I’m trying to ask is does it get any easier?! Do these men eventually grow a back bone and stick up for the woman who does everything for them to their mothers, or is it a leave before it’s too late? The woman is making me seriously depressed, and deep down I know she knows she is too.
 
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Sorry I don’t have any good advice but you absolutely are doing the right thing safeguarding your little one - if MIL is offering to look after her, she needs to be there not off doing something else. Doing that isn’t accusing him of anything, it’s just basic common sense!
 
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Hey, sorry you’re going through this. In short, my advise is to stand your ground and trust your instincts. No one ever said ‘I wish I’d left my child with someone I didn’t really know….’ But they definitely say the opposite.

there’s a thread dedicated to MIL with lots of great advice coming from the contributors - you may get greater response there.

 
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No, you are doing the right thing in regards to your little girl. Always, always trust your instincts.
Your partner needs to grow the heck up. His mum sounds like a narcissist and an emotionally manipulative, jealous woman. She’s not your problem, you owe her nothing. Your partner however is the main issue. How dare he laugh along when she tells you that you need to lose weight? How dare he tell you to grow up when you’re instinct is to protect your little baby girl? Sounds like his mummy didn’t do a good job of raising a good man…
It’s easy for someone on the outside to say, but you really need to sit down with him and tell him he’s so unreasonable in his behaviour and he needs to have your back. He’s 35 for fucks sake, not 15!
if you let them treat you like this, they’ll continue to do so…

sorry if I sound harsh! I really just feel so bad for you and angry on your behalf. How bleeping dare they make you feel like that.
 
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Your MIL isn’t the blinding issue here, it’s your partner. My husband used to be a little bit like your partner, wouldn’t stand up to his mum etc until I snapped one day and although he might not agree with everything I say, he shows a lot more respect for what I’m saying/why I’m saying it and will listen to me. He calls her out for her behaviour now often before I reach boiling point.

The most important thing here is you want to safeguard your daughter and he shows a blatant disrespect to how you feel about it and he’s allowing his mothers behaviour to continue. From his reaction to you saying how you feel, he doesn’t give a tit about making you happy, or safe and comfortable. He’s tied by the apron strings to his mummy and only cares about keeping her sweet. It would be a no from me. 👋🏼
 
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Your MIL isn’t the blinding issue here, it’s your partner. My husband used to be a little bit like your partner, wouldn’t stand up to his mum etc until I snapped one day and although he might not agree with everything I say, he shows a lot more respect for what I’m saying/why I’m saying it and will listen to me. He calls her out for her behaviour now often before I reach boiling point.

The most important thing here is you want to safeguard your daughter and he shows a blatant disrespect to how you feel about it and he’s allowing his mothers behaviour to continue. From his reaction to you saying how you feel, he doesn’t give a tit about making you happy, or safe and comfortable. He’s tied by the apron strings to his mummy and only cares about keeping her sweet. It would be a no from me. 👋🏼
I must admit hun I agree with everything this poster is saying. My partner is the same and won't ever confront his mother about things, and it drives me crazy.
For the safety of your child though, I would certainly have it out with him more and give him an ultimatum. But I just think some men won't change in regards to their mum, they just drift through these things for 'an easy life which never helps the partner in these situations. But your fears are very rational and he should take them more seriously.
I wouldn't worry about his business because he doesn't seem to give a damm about what is precious to you.
Sorry I can't be more help, but alot of men are like this with their mothers. You should join us on the MIL thread and get some more advice there hun as there are so many of us.
I think @DCICassieStuart would give good advice as she's suffered alot at the hands of her witchy MIL.
 
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Why would your MIL want the child when she wouldn’t be there to actually see her maybe suggest it would suit her better to call and bring her to the swings for a walk. My husband only really sees how manipulative and selfish his mother is now we are married 15 years!! she has never forgiven me for having the cheek to give her 2 beautiful granddaughters but no grandson, she has clear favourites among her 9 grandchildren so obvious that even the youngest knows! Her older grandchildren in early 20s rarely visit, now she uses money to manipulate everyone around her, is jealous of any family time we spend together, thank you is not in her vocabulary T all, I could go on all day, at this stage my husband see’s it and either argues or walks away when she starts.
I‘d try to calmly speak to your partner and ask if he genuinely feels how she treats you and your children is right or if he just feels the pull of the apron strings.
 
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Your partner needs to grow a set and stop being a fairy!!!! Yes his mum is his mum but you and your kids are his family too. I don’t know what it is about mother in laws and their sons it’s like some of them treat everything like a test to see who their son picks 🤦🏻‍♀️ Your partner really needs to understand how you feel about leaving your baby with others, it’s sounds to me like he doesn’t have a proper grasp on how serious you feel about this and is trying to make light of it. I would feel exactly the same as you after what happened with your relative. If it was me I would say to your MIL that the visit no longer suits and you can rearrange for a time when she is there properly and doesn’t have prior commitments. The fact that she didn’t say about being out with friends for lunch and leaving your baby with her partner would really piss me off. It’s not her baby and not her decision who your baby is left with. Stay strong!!!!!
 
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I think a lot of MILs to a certain extent can be difficult, but it’s up to their son to stand up to them and put them in their place. I think some women just always see their son as THEIR little boy and they seem to think they have some level of control of them even when they have kids of their own…

I totally understand why you wouldn’t want your baby left with the step dad. Girl or boy, I wouldn’t have my child (if I had a child) left with someone I didn’t know or didn’t completely trust. The world is full of sick people and it’s our job as adults to safeguard children. You’re being a good mum by thinking of these things and putting your children first.
 
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A very very close family member went through this, she bended backwards and forwards trying to make it work, with two young kids to support, unfortunately, the mother in law was a huge problem, but the real problem was the husband.
He eventually left and went back to live to mommy for a while,
Actually walked out on her and the kids, but forgot to tell them he was going 😕
The mother in law let her know he “was stressed and needed some time away” like the cat that got the cream.

I wish she’d left him years before.
your problem starts and ends with him, and nobody deserves to be treated like you’re being treated,
Your older child doesn’t deserve any of this either, your partner needs to grow the duck up and be a man and a father,
Not an overgrown son.
 
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Hi everyone, thank you for all your responses. I’m so glad that I’m not just going insane and being over dramatic. I plucked up the courage this morning to speak to the Dr with regards to how I’m feeling and she thinks it’s PND, I thought things would start to get better, but when trying to sit my partner down to speak to him tonight about his mother and how she’s making me feel, it caused another argument resulting in me being told I’m a baby and pathetic for getting upset over nothing. So I think that pretty much confirms for me where his loyalties lie. I have booked a hotel for tomorrow for the rest of the week to get away from this life for a few days, and I’m going to try make each day as fun as possible with the kids. Hopefully this will give him a kick up the back side and make him see I’m deadly serious and won’t be belittled by anyone. Ps- I confronted her (over text cos I’m a wimp) about her being present when my children are in her care, and my concerns, she flew right off the handle and said I’m accusing her husband of being a p**do, and I’m sick in the head.
i will definitely head over to the MIL thread as I feel I have a lot to contribute !!! X
 
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You poor thing, you sound like such a lovely strong person. If I were you, I wouldn’t even bother with her. No explanation or anything. Being critical of your weight is bad enough but then to criticise you for safeguarding your precious baby is just insane. She’s the one who is sick in the head.
 
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Wow, he sounds so childish and immature. How dare he call you a baby and say you’re pathetic, that’s out of order, he’s a grown man and he’s behaving like a spoilt child. I couldn’t put up with it I’m afraid, he’d be too immature for me. Have you not got any family you can stay with?
 
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The fact he isn't listening and acknowledging how you feel is so wrong and not what being a partner is about. He doesn't necessarily have to agree but he should listen and try to help!
TBH your MIL sounds utterly hideous and I wouldn't be bothering with her esp when she is affecting your mental health. She is not worth it. I hope you start to feel better and that he does start to see some sense soon x
 
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I was lurking and rooting for you because your MIL sounds like mine was before my partner grew a pair and cut them off. You've done the right thing though, it sounds like none of them respect you at all. Make sure you get legal advice though as you're not married it makes stuff with the home tricky, if his MIL is that much of a cow he might change the locks etc. Also legal advice about the business.
 
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Do you have any family you could stay with to help you break away and get you on your feet again without your partner? Wishing you all the best your concerns are completely justified xxx

edit: he doesn’t care about you so I wouldn’t worry about the business, get legal advice if necessary. Your mental health and children come first.
 
I wonder if your husband is dismissing your concerns as being hormonal. However, you can use being post partum to your advantage and be a little bit blunt with your husband and mil.
 
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Wishing you the very best of luck hoping that your partner gets the wake up call he clearly needs but also hope you have love and support from friends and family x