Relationship advice - I don't like my boyfriend's best friend

[Ilaariaa]

Hi everyone, I'm really conflicted about the situation and I hope some of you can offer some advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and have just moved in together, but I haven't actually spent that much time with his best friend (it's a long story). However at this point we've hung out a few times and I really can't stand him. I've met his girlfriend too and she's even more unpleasant than he is. They are arrogant, judgy, invasive, they make me feel uncomfortable and insecure and they're constantly trying to exclude me from the conversation by steering it towards subjects that the three of them have in common but that I don't know much about.
Now, there wouldn't be an issue if my boyfriend made peace with the fact that I don't like them and hung out with his friend without me. I'd be okay with that. I have plenty of friends that I hang out with on my own. But since we are two couples, I am often expected to be there and like go on double dates and stuff. My boyfriend has complained that his friend always brings his girlfriend along and he ends up feeling like a third wheel. I have voiced my feelings to him a few times but it hasn't led anywhere. And it's not like it's a 'once in a blue moon' thing. If it were, I'd bite the bullet and be tolerant. But every three or four days an occasion pops up where they wanna hang out or have dinner or whatever and it's starting to get a bit much.
Should I try to tolerate those two for the sake of my relationship? Should I talk to my boyfriend again and set some boundaries? I don't really know what to do.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Stand up for yourself.

you tell your boyfriend that you have no interest in being friends with the two of them, that you don’t want to - and won’t be taking part in any more double dates, and that you don’t appreciate being made to feel uncomfortable by being forced to spend time with people you don’t like.

they are his friends and he can see them whenever he wants but it doesn’t have to include you.

with that being said though, you can’t then turn tail and get pissed off if he then starts leaving you out or If he wants to do something with them over you - you cant Have it both ways.

 

[Warpaint]

If you're hanging out that often there's a good chance they'll invite you on a couples holiday and then there's no escape...

You need to draw a line under it someway. Why does the best friends girlfriends always need to be there? Can't them two just go on a night out or whatever

 

[Ilaariaa]

If you're hanging out that often there's a good chance they'll invite you on a couples holiday and then there's no escape...

You need to draw a line under it someway. Why does the best friends girlfriends always need to be there? Can't them two just go on a night out or whatever

Couples holiday with those two sounds like a literal nightmare so I guess you're right, I should do something about this before it reaches that point.
I have no idea why the girlfriend always tags along. If she weren't there it'd be less awkward for me to skip these occasions. But since she's there it turns into a couples thing and my absence is weird.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Hell, even if I liked a couple, I wouldn't want to hang out with them every 3 or 4 days. That's way too much. I'd be putting the foot down and say you're happy to socialise as a foursome every now and again but not every 3 or 4 days as you have other priorities

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Hi everyone, I'm really conflicted about the situation and I hope some of you can offer some advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and have just moved in together, but I haven't actually spent that much time with his best friend (it's a long story). However at this point we've hung out a few times and I really can't stand him. I've met his girlfriend too and she's even more unpleasant than he is. They are arrogant, judgy, invasive, they make me feel uncomfortable and insecure and they're constantly trying to exclude me from the conversation by steering it towards subjects that the three of them have in common but that I don't know much about.
Now, there wouldn't be an issue if my boyfriend made peace with the fact that I don't like them and hung out with his friend without me. I'd be okay with that. I have plenty of friends that I hang out with on my own. But since we are two couples, I am often expected to be there and like go on double dates and stuff. My boyfriend has complained that his friend always brings his girlfriend along and he ends up feeling like a third wheel. I have voiced my feelings to him a few times but it hasn't led anywhere. And it's not like it's a 'once in a blue moon' thing. If it were, I'd bite the bullet and be tolerant. But every three or four days an occasion pops up where they wanna hang out or have dinner or whatever and it's starting to get a bit much.
Should I try to tolerate those two for the sake of my relationship? Should I talk to my boyfriend again and set some boundaries? I don't really know what to do.

I agree with Betty, you have to stand up for yourself and stand firm. I bet you would be the kind of person who if you have a friend who your boyfriend really didn’t like, you wouldn’t force him to spend time with her and that is ultimately the best solution.

Your opinion won’t change the more time you spend with them so I would recommend pinning your boyfriend down for a proper chat about it. It would be a shame if it led to problems between you and your boyfriend but he’s wrong to expect you to suck it up.

And if this guy is his best friend, I wonder why he can’t ask him why they can’t do anything just the two of them?

 

[SqualorVictoria]

I think it's a bit harsh to say you the OP should never ever hang out with the best friend, that's not really how relationships work. We're not going to love our partners every friend and vice versa. Compromise is part of a relationship. But once in a while, not every 3 or 4 days. As I said, even if you like the couple every 3 or 4 days is way too much!

 

[HumphreyB]

Opt out. I’m sorry life to too short to spend your time with people you don’t like. They are your boyfriends friends not yours.
I’d simply say your not spending time as 2 couples, perhaps happy to meet in a larger group but outside of that no.
If your boyf wants to see his pal then he should arrange to meet his friend minus the girlfriend.

 

[Rxt156]

The problem here is that the girlfriend tags along with the best friend therefore you are expected to do the same.

Be honest and tell him how you feel. You are an adult so do not have to go to social events that you don’t want to go to.

 

[Very traditional]

I have to echo what someone upthread said - even if I really liked them seeing them that often would be a huge no for me, I wouldn't want to spend all my couple time with another couple!

 

[judgejohndeed]

God I hate this kind of thing in a man. So his problem is really that his mate keeps bringing his girlfriend along so then he’s obliged to bring you. Why is this now your problem? He needs to tell his friend himself he’d like to just see his friend without other halves and not let the blame fall at your feet. Seeing another couple that often is way too much.
Have you told your boyfriend explicitly that you don’t like his friend or have you just tried to avoid it? I would be open and say (nicely) they’re not your kind of people, you’re happy to see them occasionally but if he wants to see them more frequently then he doesn’t need to include you every time. There’s nothing worse than being one of those couples who are joined at the hip 100% of the time anyway tbh. He managed to see them all that time without you there so it’s not like he needs you to attend!

 

[Ilaariaa]

God I hate this kind of thing in a man. So his problem is really that his mate keeps bringing his girlfriend along so then he’s obliged to bring you. Why is this now your problem? He needs to tell his friend himself he’d like to just see his friend without other halves and not let the blame fall at your feet. Seeing another couple that often is way too much.
Have you told your boyfriend explicitly that you don’t like his friend or have you just tried to avoid it? I would be open and say (nicely) they’re not your kind of people, you’re happy to see them occasionally but if he wants to see them more frequently then he doesn’t need to include you every time. There’s nothing worse than being one of those couples who are joined at the hip 100% of the time anyway tbh. He managed to see them all that time without you there so it’s not like he needs you to attend!

We had a discussion about this recently and I straight up told him that I don't like this guy or his girlfriend, but then the conversation kinda got sidetracked and we haven't talked about it since. I've been kinda apprehensive about it though, I know sooner or later the subject is going to come up again and I'm trying to decide how to move forward. I don't want to make things tense or awkward with my boyfriend but I also don't want to suck it up and be uncomfortable.

 

[dancingqueen5678]

God I hate this kind of thing in a man. So his problem is really that his mate keeps bringing his girlfriend along so then he’s obliged to bring you. Why is this now your problem? He needs to tell his friend himself he’d like to just see his friend without other halves and not let the blame fall at your feet. Seeing another couple that often is way too much.
Have you told your boyfriend explicitly that you don’t like his friend or have you just tried to avoid it? I would be open and say (nicely) they’re not your kind of people, you’re happy to see them occasionally but if he wants to see them more frequently then he doesn’t need to include you every time. There’s nothing worse than being one of those couples who are joined at the hip 100% of the time anyway tbh. He managed to see them all that time without you there so it’s not like he needs you to attend!

THANK YOU! I read this and I thought... just tell him your not coming? It's not your problem. If he has an issue he can talk to his mate and say stop bringing your gf and if the friendship ends then that's life.
Maybe I'm too blunt but I would legit just be like "I don't want to. I'm not coming."

 

[SqualorVictoria]

Don't you have people in your life that you have to tolerate for the sake of other friendships/ relationships? I just can't understand the point blank refusal to hang out with a partners best friend ever. The issue here is that he expects them to hang out every 3 to 4 days. That in far too excessive. OP, I would approach it not by saying you dislike the couple but by saying every 3 to 4 days is far too much and you don't even get to see your own friends/ family that much. I would say to him that you're happy to go out as a foursome every now and again but you have other priorities. I think going on about how you don't like them will only drive a wedge between you. Don't let the couple do that

 

[judgejohndeed]

THANK YOU! I read this and I thought... just tell him your not coming? It's not your problem. If he has an issue he can talk to his mate and say stop bringing your gf and if the friendship ends then that's life.
Maybe I'm too blunt but I would legit just be like "I don't want to. I'm not coming."

Same we are every honest about this kind of thing, I know which of my friends he’s not keen on and vice versa so that means if he asks me to go to something with them then I know it’s either really important or he really wants me there, then I go because it’s important to him.

 

[dancingqueen5678]

Don't you have people in your life that you have to tolerate for the sake of other friendships/ relationships? I just can't understand the point blank refusal to hang out with a partners best friend ever. The issue here is that he expects them to hang out every 3 to 4 days. That in far too excessive. OP, I would approach it not by saying you dislike the couple but by saying every 3 to 4 days is far too much and you don't even get to see your own friends/ family that much. I would say to him that you're happy to go out as a foursome every now and again but you have other priorities. I think going on about how you don't like them will only drive a wedge between you. Don't let the couple do that

Well life is about tolerating people that we don't always like, colleagues, bosses etc thats part of life but that's different as there is no choice in that. I don't have to go out with people I don't like in my free time. I have to spend my working days with people I don't like yeah but once I'm off the clock, the company I keep is my choice. I would be happy to compromise and go on special occasions but if it was every week like in this case with no "reason" behind it I would just point blank refuse and if asked why I would just be honest and say "They are not my kind of people. I'm not the biggest fan of them. I'm happy to see them on the odd occasion but I don't want to go out with them every week. I'm not stopping you from going but I'm not coming" and end the conversation there. I'm not arguing about it.

ETA: These are friends we're talking about. Sure they're important in his life but it's not like it's his child or his mother or something like that. That comes with a different obligation.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Don't you have people in your life that you have to tolerate for the sake of other friendships/ relationships? I just can't understand the point blank refusal to hang out with a partners best friend ever. The issue here is that he expects them to hang out every 3 to 4 days. That in far too excessive. OP, I would approach it not by saying you dislike the couple but by saying every 3 to 4 days is far too much and you don't even get to see your own friends/ family that much. I would say to him that you're happy to go out as a foursome every now and again but you have other priorities. I think going on about how you don't like them will only drive a wedge between you. Don't let the couple do that

So you are advocating that she lies about how she feels to keep the boyfriend happy?


duck that.

 

[judgejohndeed]

When you’ve been together 5 years as well I feel like your relationship should be able to withstand one person not liking a friend of the other. It doesn’t bother me at all that my fiancé doesn’t really like two of my friends, as long as he doesn’t expect me not to see them or expect me to see the friends of his that I don’t like all the time then we’re both happy. I think as well because the boyfriend here wants to see this couple so frequently it’s not like you can always be mysteriously and diplomatically ‘busy’ when he asks you to meet them. The only option in this case is to be honest here and just say you’re not keen because I would actually be more annoyed if my guy just tried to fob me off without telling me the real reason.

 

[SqualorVictoria]

So you are advocating that she lies about how she feels to keep the boyfriend happy?


duck that.

No, that's not what I said at all. Her feelings have already been made clear. I just meant that going on about it will drive a wedge between them.

When you’ve been together 5 years as well I feel like your relationship should be able to withstand one person not liking a friend of the other. It doesn’t bother me at all that my fiancé doesn’t really like two of my friends, as long as he doesn’t expect me not to see them or expect me to see the friends of his that I don’t like all the time then we’re both happy. I think as well because the boyfriend here wants to see this couple so frequently it’s not like you can always be mysteriously and diplomatically ‘busy’ when he asks you to meet them. The only option in this case is to be honest here and just say you’re not keen because I would actually be more annoyed if my guy just tried to fob me off without telling me the real reason.

But honestly, even if she liked the couple, every 3 to 4 days is way too much. That's my point.

 

[Piff paff puff]

Hi everyone, I'm really conflicted about the situation and I hope some of you can offer some advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and have just moved in together, but I haven't actually spent that much time with his best friend (it's a long story). However at this point we've hung out a few times and I really can't stand him. I've met his girlfriend too and she's even more unpleasant than he is. They are arrogant, judgy, invasive, they make me feel uncomfortable and insecure and they're constantly trying to exclude me from the conversation by steering it towards subjects that the three of them have in common but that I don't know much about.
Now, there wouldn't be an issue if my boyfriend made peace with the fact that I don't like them and hung out with his friend without me. I'd be okay with that. I have plenty of friends that I hang out with on my own. But since we are two couples, I am often expected to be there and like go on double dates and stuff. My boyfriend has complained that his friend always brings his girlfriend along and he ends up feeling like a third wheel. I have voiced my feelings to him a few times but it hasn't led anywhere. And it's not like it's a 'once in a blue moon' thing. If it were, I'd bite the bullet and be tolerant. But every three or four days an occasion pops up where they wanna hang out or have dinner or whatever and it's starting to get a bit much.
Should I try to tolerate those two for the sake of my relationship? Should I talk to my boyfriend again and set some boundaries? I don't really know what to do.

Be honest with the bf, if not now then it'll likely come out in the near future, but by that point you will be at boiling point and that's not good. You can't go on feeling miserable on the regular. Tell him to tell them you have something taking up your spare time, family /relatives /hobby /work. He needs to compromise also and see them less and I'm sure he will be ok with that since you obviously mean more to him than them.