Providing an allowance to your elderly parent(s) - would you do it?

[1001 others]

Very curious to see what others think of this!

A friend is of the belief that if your parents are elderly and find it hard to live on the pension, their adult children should be giving them an allowance.

Obviously a few factors will come into play here ...

 

[Megansnarkle]

If my family were finding it hard to live and I could afford to, I'd help them however I could, maybe by taking on some of the bills (my mum's mobile is on my account).

 

[judgejohndeed]

Maybe not ‘should’ but if your parents were struggling and you have money spare then I’m not sure why you wouldn’t

 

[1001 others]

The friend who mentioned it, said that it doesn't matter what relationship the (adult) children have with their parents, or what other expenses the (adult) children have - they should do it regardless.

It just seemed a bit 'off' to me. Sure, if you have a great relationship with your parent(s), they helped you along the way, and you have the means to do it, then it's a no-brainer; if not though ... well several factors come into play.

What happens if/when the (adult) child's partner doesn't agree with it? And what happens if there are multiple (adult) children and only one or two do it - is there some expectation that things will be evened out if there are assets to be distributed in the will?

 

[Melian]

Have they had a benefit check done?

 

[Elles20]

The friend who mentioned it, said that it doesn't matter what relationship the (adult) children have with their parents, or what other expenses the (adult) children have - they should do it regardless.

It just seemed a bit 'off' to me. Sure, if you have a great relationship with your parent(s), they helped you along the way, and you have the means to do it, then it's a no-brainer; if not though ... well several factors come into play.

What happens if/when the (adult) child's partner doesn't agree with it? And what happens if there are multiple (adult) children and only one or two do it - is there some expectation that things will be evened out if there are assets to be distributed in the will?

This is really common in certain cultures (East Asians for example).
How much money are we talking about, do you know? I don't think partners need to agree on the assumption you don't share every penny spent with your partner.

 

[Kim Mild]

So many factors come into play with this.

Are the working age adults financially better of that their retired parents?

Are the elderly able to claim any benefits?

Are they too proud to take help ?

I don't think it should be someone's duty to financially help their parents, but if they are struggling they should help them if they can .

 

[mcfeez]

No I wouldn't. My parents have been incredibly careless with their finances through the years, they have made no attempt to save and made terrible financial decisions.

I think your friend is naive saying it doesn't matter what the relationship is, thats bizarre. It is not anyones job to bail out their parents.

 

[nothanksbabes]

I think many retired parents will be significantly better off than their offspring these days. I certainly couldn't afford to do this for my parents, although if I could I would. Whether they'd let me is another matter .

 

[Calabria]

I have a relative who gives £500 a month to his aunt and has done for many years! I find it strange but then my parents are financially far better off than me.

 

[sasuss]

We do this for my mother since my father passed away. She owns her house outright, but my brother lives with her and he pays ALL the bills. She gets a private pension, not much and now her state pension. Before her pension kicked in I always paid money into her account or bought her things, she wouldn't accept them at first, but knows better than to argue with me. She helped me and my husband out numerous times financially without question, I'm just so glad I can return the favour. My mother has had a very hard life and I'd do anything to try to make things/life somewhat joyous or easier for her.

 

[getthefrockout69]

On pay day i always treat mum to lunch or a new top just a little something it normal ends up in a argument with her as she doesnt like me to waste my wages its not wasting them its my way of thanking her for all she does for me. Even allowing me to move back home after a marriage break down if i could do more i truly would as its mum she deserves the world and all the stars

 

[1001 others]

Some more information:

This friend is married with kids; she gets minimum wage and her husband earns a good salary (more than minimum wage but not spectacular). She gives her mother $300 every fortnight which supplements her pension. In addition, her mother will call her frequently about things she needs more money for. My friend did also mention that her mother likes to play scratch-off lottery tickets and she's pleased she can help her to do that.

The whole thing came up in conversation because she wants to move to a bigger house in a better area; when she saw a place she liked, she mentioned it to her husband which resulted in a big argument because he said they won't get finance, let alone be able to afford it, because of all the "lavish donations" they give to her mother. Unfortunately things escalated and her husband told her a few things he's been holding in for a while, plus he pointed out how they never have money to do the most simplest of things because she's busy giving it all away. Sure, it could've been worded better as it definitely hit a nerve; but, I think he was right!

The pension here in NZ is not means-tested - everyone gets it - and if pensioners need help with food or other bills, then they can apply to a government welfare agency (they have to jump through a few hoops to get what they need, but this agency is fair and reasonable for the most part). The pension itself is not huge, but a lot of people manage to live on it just fine. I asked my friend why she feels the need to help her mother when all this help is available to her; that's when she said it's what adult children should do for their parents. She said it very matter-of-factish, as if it's a common thing. I really don't think it is.

This friend is a born and raised Kiwi - I do know that in some cultures the money goes back to the family, but that's not what's happening here; it's just some weird viewpoint she's picked up along the way. I do know her mother has absolutely no savings - she worked most of her life but has nothing to show for it.

 

[Penelope Strawberry]

Nope.

My mother has a terrible relationship with my sister and I, but fully expects that we will club together and buy her a flat when she retires or that we'll have her move in with us and support her financially. She thinks that we owe her for feeding and clothing us as children (during which time she was a SAHM so technically didn't actually provide for us financially).

I my own old age and retirement to worry about and my husband and I decided not to have children ourselves partly for financial reasons. I'm not making these sacrifices to support someone who has made poor financial (and life) decisions. There's no one to bail me out in my own old age.

I think that supporting your parents in their old age is considered the norm in some cultures, but in my culture it's considered the norm to pay into a pension and save for your old age so that you don't burden your children (who may be financially stretched supporting you their own children!).

 

[String of Hearts]

If my parents needed help I would most definitely offer but I can't imagine a situation where they wouldn't be too proud to accept it. Bearing in mind my family are the type to fall out over person 1 refusing 50p from person 2 to pay back person 1 where they bought them a cup of coffee in 1998

 

[HoGi]

No I wouldn't. My parents have been incredibly careless with their finances through the years, they have made no attempt to save and made terrible financial decisions.

I think your friend is naive saying it doesn't matter what the relationship is, thats bizarre. It is not anyones job to bail out their parents.

This is similar to my parents.

My dad died a few years ago and my mum has finally downsized. House sold for a lot less than market value as they hadn't looked after it for years and didn't have the money to do the necessary repairs.

Me and my husband helped out where we could but we had our own fixer upper!

She is now in a flat and has more money than she knows what to do with and that scares me as I know she will spend spend spend until she is back to square one. So I have been trying to manage her finances with her to prevent that.

If she did end up in the same situation again I don't think i would be giving her an allowance.

 

[1001 others]

Nope.

My mother has a terrible relationship with my sister and I, but fully expects that we will club together and buy her a flat when she retires or that we'll have her move in with us and support her financially. She thinks that we owe her for feeding and clothing us as children (during which time she was a SAHM so technically didn't actually provide for us financially).

I my own old age and retirement to worry about and my husband and I decided not to have children ourselves partly for financial reasons. I'm not making these sacrifices to support someone who has made poor financial (and life) decisions. There's no one to bail me out in my own old age.

I think that supporting your parents in their old age is considered the norm in some cultures, but in my culture it's considered the norm to pay into a pension and save for your old age so that you don't burden your children (who may be financially stretched supporting you their own children!).

This is my personal situation too.

My friend has now tried turn it back on me to say I should be doing the same for my mum - never mind the fact that we have already paid a LOT of my mother's bills over the past few years; or the fact that she has fractured not one, but two relationships (with her husband and me), by raising and continuing to go on about, this. It didn't help that I sided with her husband's viewpoint; he has now told her that she either has to get a better paying job or stop giving free money to her mother if she wants to move.

 

[Tommyb]

I would but there's absolutely no way I could get her to take it.

My "dad" however .. no way. Wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.

 

[Penelope Strawberry]

This is my personal situation too.

My friend has now tried turn it back on me to say I should be doing the same for my mum - never mind the fact that we have already paid a LOT of my mother's bills over the past few years; or the fact that she has fractured not one, but two relationships (with her husband and me), by raising and continuing to go on about, this. It didn't help that I sided with her husband's viewpoint; he has now told her that she either has to get a better paying job or stop giving free money to her mother if she wants to move.

I wonder why your friend is so adamant that everyone follow their situation? Maybe they are trying to convince themselves that they're doing the right thing.

 

[Kim Mild]

@1001 others do you think your friend's mum has groomed her to think like that?