Porn on boyfriends phone :(

[L7890]

So me and my partner have been together for 7 years he is always shady about his phone. I’ve been feeling like something has been off for a while and this is really unlike me so I checked his phone on his photos and low and behold 100+ videos and pictures of porn and videos of other women generally naked and stripping etc. Just looking for some advice really what to do because I have a deep pit in my stomach now I am so hurt. Not to mention he hasn’t really been fussed about sex the past month. I don’t even know how to bring this up,

I am aware some people don’t mind their other halves looking at porn it’s just the fact it’s on his photos seems so personal why he would want other girls dancing and stripping on there ? sorry this is long I am so incredibly hurt right now by this.

 

[Mfranks]

I would speak to him about it! If its hurting you so much, you can't just sit on the fact of knowing. I would also be upset too and I would say something to my other half! Just be prepared for a hard conversation. xx

 

[Fairypop]

I would talk it through with him & let him know how it makes you feel. I know it probably feels like a difficult chat to have, but you’ve been together a long time & hopefully you might feel better after talking it through.

I know my partner watches it from time to time (if I’m honest, I think most men do - even if they say otherwise) but there’s nothing actually saved on his phone like photos/videos. Personally, it doesn’t bother me any more because I know it doesn’t impact on our sex life or on how much he loves me. But if he’s putting porn over sex then I wouldn’t be very happy about that either & would definitely have to say something before it turns into a bigger problem.

I hope you manage to talk to him about it & sort things out between you

 

[L7890]

I don’t think it’s the porn so much I think it’s the fact he has tik toks of other girls and these videos saved to his phone it’s a bit personal I guess I am going to talk to him tomorrow about it just wanted to see others thoughts if I am being harsh here. I have been cheated on before too so it’s sooo difficult

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I have issues with porn and really hate that those concerns are often met with "well its only porn, all men do it".

Talk about it. I found the secrecy of it bothered me. Sneaking away to do it, hiding it, whilst not being intimate with me; then having images of 'real' people, that was the line drawn for me. I dont expect a man to say "im off for a wank, luv", but storing and hiding a whole wank bank would bother me. In my case, porn was used as comfort. It wasnt always to cum to, it was a distraction from real life feelings. Unfortunately, it did go on to cheating but that doesnt mean thats always the case!!

 

[Mfranks]

I don’t think it’s the porn so much I think it’s the fact he has tik toks of other girls and these videos saved to his phone it’s a bit personal I guess I am going to talk to him tomorrow about it just wanted to see others thoughts if I am being harsh here. I have been cheated on before too so it’s sooo difficult

I don't think your being too harsh at all. I would be very upset about this as well x

 

[Fairypop]

I don’t think it’s the porn so much I think it’s the fact he has tik toks of other girls and these videos saved to his phone it’s a bit personal I guess I am going to talk to him tomorrow about it just wanted to see others thoughts if I am being harsh here. I have been cheated on before too so it’s sooo difficult

I don’t think you’re being harsh! If it makes you feel uncomfortable then it makes you feel uncomfortable so it’s important to be honest & address it with him. I would feel worse about saved photos/videos than I would about porn as well, it does seem more personal. I think it’s about mutual respect & finding a resolution that you’re both happy & comfortable with. He may genuinely not realise how it makes you feel but it’s important to let him know.

 

[Upintheair83]

So me and my partner have been together for 7 years he is always shady about his phone. I’ve been feeling like something has been off for a while and this is really unlike me so I checked his phone on his photos and low and behold 100+ videos and pictures of porn and videos of other women generally naked and stripping etc. Just looking for some advice really what to do because I have a deep pit in my stomach now I am so hurt. Not to mention he hasn’t really been fussed about sex the past month. I don’t even know how to bring this up,

I am aware some people don’t mind their other halves looking at porn it’s just the fact it’s on his photos seems so personal why he would want other girls dancing and stripping on there ? sorry this is long I am so incredibly hurt right now by this.

I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way, if it was me I would feel exactly the same. I know it’s easy for people to easily say most men do it and to try and rationalise it off that way, but when it’s your partner I imagine it’s harder to do.
All I can advise is to speak to him like the others have said, don’t get angry but tell him how upset you are and how saving the tik toks feels like a betrayal almost- because they are so personal.
Ask him what void it’s trying to fill and go from there. He probably loves you lots and this is just some sort of fetish that maybe us girls don’t understand. I don’t know hun.
I really hope you are ok, I’m sending you lots of hugs and love. You will be ok hun xxxxx

 

[Bitofthebubbly]

This must have been so hurtful for you to find. Watching porn (which I personally am against) is one thing, but keeping a ‘wank bank’ on his phone is one step further in my opinion. He’s not just having a wank to porn and then ‘moving on’ he’s purposely keeping these videos of other women for a reason, it’s creepy! More so when you’re in a committed relationship.

You have to confront him but be prepared for him to deny deny deny and then play it down as if it’s not as big of a deal as you think it is. As someone who has had issues with porn in my own relationship, I found writing a letter helped me get my thoughts down clearly and it really helped my partner understand where I was coming from too.

I am so sorry you're going through this. Him being secretive shows he has something to hide and that he knows it’s wrong in my opinion. I hope you are able to come to a solution you are both happy with. Just remember porn is not something you have to tolerate in your relationship, its not something ‘all men do’ although of course it’s very common but even so that doesn’t mean you can’t have your own boundaries.

 

[Titntat]

I havnt got an issue with my partner watching porn. I'd feel different if he had imaged saved on his phone of other women. Have these been sent to him or what he's downloaded? My partner has a extemely high sex drive, so sometimes give me a break

Make some points before you confront him about it. Or as PP mentioned write his a letter, this was you can get it all down with out your emotions taking over. Hope you get it sorted x

 

[no-no]

Just prepare yourself for him to get very defensive and switch it around to why you looked at his phone. Yes, it is an invasion of privacy but they will just run with that once they’ve been caught and try and make you the bad guy. I’d actually eat my hat if you got more than a superficial “I’ll work on it”

Most men I’ve known watch porn and keep videos so I wouldn’t read too much into that being more personal. But, sorry, i do think it warps their minds and ideas of what a woman’s body looks like/how it responds. Even stupid comments about where natural breasts hang to thinking all women are just good to go anytime with no foreplay

It’s likely he’s looked at porn throughout the whole relationship so could there be anything else he’s being secretive about? If I thought there was I’d hold off talking to him about the porn and see if there’s a bigger issue.

 

[theghosttown]

I think watching porn is quite a normal part of life. Hell, I really enjoy it myself. My husband and I have a really good sex life though. I would be really hurt if he stopped wanting to have sex with me yet continued to watch porn and masturbate constantly.

I do however think it crosses a line when there are hundreds of saved videos on your phone! I would be really pissed off about the stripping videos - it seems more personal to me. I think before you fess up to going through his phone you need to speak to him and ask him why he hasn’t been wanting to have sex and maybe open up the conversation from there - explain how hurtful that is for you and how it is affecting your self confidence. I think it’s really, really important to talk about sex but often people can get embarrassed. Could there be a particular fantasy he has that he can only get through porn for example? Is there something you would like for him to do for you? I really do understand why this is so hurtful to you but I think communicating would really help x

 

[Say What]

If him watching porn is upsetting you and you have noticed a change in your sex life then it may be something to discuss with him. He may not even realise that it upsets you and does it because he’s aware of the temporary dry spell but hasn’t felt able to bring it up with you. It may be that it could help solve the temporary dry spell and bring you closer. Some women watch porn alone and/ with their partners and find it a turn on. On the other hand, it might force an honest discussion about your relationship so you need to be prepared for both. I hope things work out for you.