“Dear Wilby,
I love you so much that, instead of sitting and gazing at you and chatting into your tiny perfect ear, I’m going to stare at my phone, blurting my bullshit out at thousands of strangers.
Your daddy and I love you with a love we’ve never felt before because we clearly don’t love your siblings like we love you, our little patchwork child of perfection, aka the second coming.
Despite being so fertile I conceived you within 0.03 seconds of having my coil removed, I’m now going to bang on about understanding how it feels to not be able to conceive just so I look more relatable. I might add in a bit here about miscarriage and try and make people think you’re a rainbow baby just so I get more attention, who knows.
I should probably go now because I need to get this out there while everyone is still awake so I can get as much engagement as possible. As you well know, more likes = more money, my gorgeous little cash cow.
Please find attached a photo of you clamped to my tit because I’ve spent the last six months single-handedly keeping you alive, despite the fact that you were only sliced from my abdomen four months ago.
Until the next time I need my ego boosted,
Your completely unloveable mother.
P.S. did I mention you were bleeping huge?”