Parents of autistic children with violent and challenging behaviour

[avabella]

His junior school did five point scale work with him and we already use it at home (it's a work in progress as the various holes in my walls attest to). Fortunately I'm fairly clued up on that sort of stuff as my eldest is also autistic.

There's a lot of info in his EHCP around anxiety and what can be done to to help him calm down as well. His new school seem really hot on helping the students to recognise their emotions and learn coping strategies to help prevent explosion.

You've offered some really helpful, sensible advice that now you've said it seem obvious. I think I'm so strung out by it that I've lost the ability to think through the problem properly which is a bit frustrating as I'm usually a solutions person.

Thanks for your help, I'm feeling a bit more positive and have a much clearer idea of how to approach the conversation with the school tomorrow.

Good luck mama, you’ve got this. It’s hard when it’s your every day day in, day out. I hope your boy gets into a good pattern and feels more settled soon

 

[Meg78]

Howdy folks I’ve got an aggressive/violent child when overwhelmed and two sets of grandparents who make it SO much worse

Not quite sure how to talk about Christmas with them, we’re being nagged to do santas grottos and brass bands and light trails in dark woodland, and I can’t quite get them to understand that the kid who runs off towards the nearest danger, who lashes out without warning, is probably not the safest bet for those sorts of activities. We’ve tried going in previous years with the use of a buggy but even then it was stressful, having them free to cause mayhem just seems like a nightmare!

Does anyone else have grandparents that don’t understand? Does it ever get easier?

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Howdy folks I’ve got an aggressive/violent child when overwhelmed and two sets of grandparents who make it SO much worse

Not quite sure how to talk about Christmas with them, we’re being nagged to do santas grottos and brass bands and light trails in dark woodland, and I can’t quite get them to understand that the kid who runs off towards the nearest danger, who lashes out without warning, is probably not the safest bet for those sorts of activities. We’ve tried going in previous years with the use of a buggy but even then it was stressful, having them free to cause mayhem just seems like a nightmare!

Does anyone else have grandparents that don’t understand? Does it ever get easier?

My eldest paternal grandparent's didn't really get. How are things for you now? Have you got much booked or have they been more reasonable?
---
Just a mild complaint, sorry...

I've had to swap my son's bedroom with my office/study. Firstly, I realise that I'm lucky to have this as an option. However, it's cost me such a lot of money. We've moved bits of furniture today and the effort needed has been ridiculous.

Shortly after that my son had a massive meltdown because he didn't log in early enough to a Fortnite event on line so was in a virtual queue. His response was to smash his room to tit.

I'm so tired of this. I don't want to live like this and every time this happens I'm being triggered about how his dad behaved. My house is being smashed to bits and I can't afford to fix it all.

Tomorrow is a new day and all plod on but today is tit.


Eta: I wrote these as entirely separate comments but they've been lumped together, sorry.

 

[FlowerPower987]

Hi, I posted in this thread almost a year ago now, and sadly things haven’t got any better, if anything they’ve got much worse .
My step-son’s behaviour has worsened, and I’m
still terrified about him potentially hurting our baby (she’s 13 months old now).
He’s still as obsessed with blood/gore/murder, and repeatedly keeps saying “I want to kill someone”.
I saw a perinatal psychologist a few weeks ago, as I have terrible postnatal PTSD from my last birth, which is only getting worse, and sadly I also lost identical twin girls at 15 weeks pregnant back in November , so as you can imagine, my mental health has really taken a bashing.
My psychologist feels that the stress and anxiety that I have with my step son has exacerbated my PTSD, and she was very concerned about what I had told her i.e. his behaviour, she said that it’s a huge safeguarding concern for my baby daughter (and my other 3 kids), and that she was making a social services referral.
His behaviour is totally out of control and completely unpredictable.
I can’t sleep properly when he is at our house, because I’m just waiting for him to burst into our bedroom screaming and shouting at silly O’clock , with his iPad on full blast.
Since I lost my twins, my sleep is terrible anyway, but when he is at ours, it’s 10 times worse .
I’m in flight or fight constantly, and I can’t rest or relax in my own home.
My other kids go and hide at the their dads, and my baby can’t play properly because he constantly takes her toys off her and is up on her face screaming, or if she is just having a wander around, he is chasing her and bothering her.
He’s made sexual comments to her too, a few months ago, she was in her car seat and he squatted over her and asked her to touch his willy.
His mum is still allowing him to watch unsuitable online content which is obviously making his obsessions worse.
His diet is still very poor, and he is having diarrhoea every single day and complaining of belly ache.
He is constantly thirsty , so I would imagine that he is dehydrated.
My partner tries to have as much 1:1 time with him as he can, and is always taking him to the cinema or swimming, but I just seems to make his behaviour worse if anything, as he comes home and he is absolutely wired.
My partner is also very much in denial annoyingly, and doesn’t seem to see just how serious things are, even after I told him about my psychologist making the SS referral, he just seems very indifferent towards the situation.
In my opinion, he’s still very inconsistent with him (as I mentioned before), sometimes he’s strict with him, sometimes he’s not, if anything it feels like he hasn’t got the confidence to know how to handle him.
I think a lot of his son’s behaviour is attention seeking, for example the other day, he said “I love you daddy” 5 times in a row (I counted) and my partner ignored him, the next day he repeatedly said it again , and again no reply .
My partner has told me many times, that his ex wife emotionally (and physically) neglected their son when he was little, she wouldn’t respond to his cries or ever hold him or cuddle him, and when my partner came home from work, he was in dirty nappies and had been left to his own devices, and would sometimes have unexplained bruises.
It’s all so heartbreaking, but I feel like my partner is also emotionally neglecting him, by not telling him he loves him and not giving him hugs, and also not giving him any boundaries either.
He was meant to FaceTime him on the weekends that he doesn’t have him, but he never ever does, despite it being in the plan that school had devised.
He also had an award chart that school had made, which is on our fridge and has never been used!! despite my his son being really excited to use it and understanding it really well.
I just feel like he is being let down on so many levels, and it feels like it’s me that’s trying to pick up the pieces to my own detriment.
My mental health is suffering for it, and I’m exhausted.
I haven’t heard anything from SS yet, and I’m feeling really anxious about it, not to mention guilty, but at the same time, I know it has to be done.

 

[Meg78]

Hi, I posted in this thread almost a year ago now, and sadly things haven’t got any better, if anything they’ve got much worse .
My step-son’s behaviour has worsened, and I’m
still terrified about him potentially hurting our baby (she’s 13 months old now).
He’s still as obsessed with blood/gore/murder, and repeatedly keeps saying “I want to kill someone”.
I saw a perinatal psychologist a few weeks ago, as I have terrible postnatal PTSD from my last birth, which is only getting worse, and sadly I also lost identical twin girls at 15 weeks pregnant back in November , so as you can imagine, my mental health has really taken a bashing.
My psychologist feels that the stress and anxiety that I have with my step son has exacerbated my PTSD, and she was very concerned about what I had told her i.e. his behaviour, she said that it’s a huge safeguarding concern for my baby daughter (and my other 3 kids), and that she was making a social services referral.
His behaviour is totally out of control and completely unpredictable.
I can’t sleep properly when he is at our house, because I’m just waiting for him to burst into our bedroom screaming and shouting at silly O’clock , with his iPad on full blast.
Since I lost my twins, my sleep is terrible anyway, but when he is at ours, it’s 10 times worse .
I’m in flight or fight constantly, and I can’t rest or relax in my own home.
My other kids go and hide at the their dads, and my baby can’t play properly because he constantly takes her toys off her and is up on her face screaming, or if she is just having a wander around, he is chasing her and bothering her.
He’s made sexual comments to her too, a few months ago, she was in her car seat and he squatted over her and asked her to touch his willy.
His mum is still allowing him to watch unsuitable online content which is obviously making his obsessions worse.
His diet is still very poor, and he is having diarrhoea every single day and complaining of belly ache.
He is constantly thirsty , so I would imagine that he is dehydrated.
My partner tries to have as much 1:1 time with him as he can, and is always taking him to the cinema or swimming, but I just seems to make his behaviour worse if anything, as he comes home and he is absolutely wired.
My partner is also very much in denial annoyingly, and doesn’t seem to see just how serious things are, even after I told him about my psychologist making the SS referral, he just seems very indifferent towards the situation.
In my opinion, he’s still very inconsistent with him (as I mentioned before), sometimes he’s strict with him, sometimes he’s not, if anything it feels like he hasn’t got the confidence to know how to handle him.
I think a lot of his son’s behaviour is attention seeking, for example the other day, he said “I love you daddy” 5 times in a row (I counted) and my partner ignored him, the next day he repeatedly said it again , and again no reply .
My partner has told me many times, that his ex wife emotionally (and physically) neglected their son when he was little, she wouldn’t respond to his cries or ever hold him or cuddle him, and when my partner came home from work, he was in dirty nappies and had been left to his own devices, and would sometimes have unexplained bruises.
It’s all so heartbreaking, but I feel like my partner is also emotionally neglecting him, by not telling him he loves him and not giving him hugs, and also not giving him any boundaries either.
He was meant to FaceTime him on the weekends that he doesn’t have him, but he never ever does, despite it being in the plan that school had devised.
He also had an award chart that school had made, which is on our fridge and has never been used!! despite my his son being really excited to use it and understanding it really well.
I just feel like he is being let down on so many levels, and it feels like it’s me that’s trying to pick up the pieces to my own detriment.
My mental health is suffering for it, and I’m exhausted.
I haven’t heard anything from SS yet, and I’m feeling really anxious about it, not to mention guilty, but at the same time, I know it has to be done.

So sorry to blunt but… Why are you still with your partner when he shows indifference to childrens and/or violence tendencies?

 

[FlowerPower987]

So sorry to blunt but… Why are you still with your partner when he shows indifference to childrens and/or violence tendencies?

I really don’t know!! I lie in bed at night asking myself these exact questions.
I’m not strong enough to end it, I’m so broken at the moment.
We have our twin’s funeral next week (we had to wait 8 weeks for the post-mortem results to come back) , once I’ve gotten through that day then I need to take a long hard look at my situation.

 

[chickhicks86]

@FlowerPower987 it sounds like he may have some sort of attachment disorder? Does he have ASD diagnosis in place already? What support does he have at school? It sounds like he needs more help than you can give him alone, especially as neither of his parents seem motivated to do so. Fingers crossed the SS referral will be a positive one.

 

[FlowerPower987]

@FlowerPower987 it sounds like he may have some sort of attachment disorder? Does he have ASD diagnosis in place already? What support does he have at school? It sounds like he needs more help than you can give him alone, especially as neither of his parents seem motivated to do so. Fingers crossed the SS referral will be a positive one.

He hasn’t had any official diagnosis, although his parents refer to him as being ‘autistic’, from my own research I think he definitely has ADHD (extreme), and possibly Dypraxia as he is very clumsy -always falling and banging his head or accidentally breaking things.
I’ve been thinking attachment disorder too, especially as I used to work with a little girl who had it, and he’s very much like her. He is very affectionate and sociable towards strangers and would have no issue going off with one. It would tie in with him lacking a bond with his mum when he was very little. Again I’m no expert whatsoever, so I could be wrong.
He is at a special school, so has 1:1, he was seeing a special therapist type of person once a week at school to try and talk about emotions through Lego building, but I think that has stopped now.
School don’t seem to communicate with my partner very much (it’s all through mum), so he doesn’t really have much idea how he is doing at school or what goals he is meeting.

 

[Chooeytwo]

I can only imagine how stressful that is on you. Your partner really needs to step up when his son is there. To be honest, if it is at all possible, is there any way that you and your daughter can stay somewhere else when your step son visits? I know you’d feel guilty and it would be very difficult but maybe your partner would step up. The fact that he has made a sexual comment towards your toddler and in light of what else he is saying I think it’s definitely a safeguarding issue. I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage also. Your partner needs to be more supportive

 

[SophSpinsSillyStories]

No medical knowledge here but I a while ago I read a study about a child who had been diagnosed with autism, but actually had a thyroid disorder which - when properly treated with thyroxine - made significant changes to the behaviour of the child.
With you saying that he has digestive issues and seems to be dehydrated, it might be worth getting some bloods taken.

Sending lots of love, this really shouldn’t be your issue to deal with - particularly with everything you have going on right now. Good step mothers are literal saints, I did it for a while and it was hell on Earth - I’d never do it again!

 

[Squittel]

I don’t know if my daughter is autistic. I don’t know what she is to be honest. I’ve read that autistic girls can fit in a school by masking and then it all falls apart at home. I wonder if this is the case with her.

i could use some support/advice. I don’t know where to start. She’s 5 and she’s got some excellent traits. She’s smart and she’s logical, she can watch you do something once and she’s able to do it straightaway. But her temper has always been more than an average child. Even when she was a baby she could scream and cry for hours. I put it down to colic but I fear it’s just the way she is.

I tread on eggshells around her and she knows. I put my foot down and all hell breaks loose. I’ve tried nearly everything. The thing is, she’s good at school and around other people. It’s her dad and me she’s like this with. I know what you’re going to say “it’s because she feels safe with you, she can let it all out” I think there’s more to it than that. I don’t even know what example to give there’s so many.

I guess food is a big thing. She’s always been a picky eater. Needs lots of extra help to get any food down her that isn’t chocolate. She came back from school and asked for two chocolates. I said, hey let’s have one because it’s dinner soon. All hell broke loose. The one chocolate got thrown because she must have two. She hits and kicks and throws, thrashes around hurting herself and others. Normal consequences don’t work because she doesn’t want a hug. She doesn’t want anything other than her own way. What ever that thing is. She says sorry, sometimes but she screams it in your face. You try to talk to her about it afterwards and she just wont have it.

No one else sees this side of her. Everyone thinks she’s lovely. And she is. Sometimes. If you try and make up with her she locks herself in the bathroom and she’ll stay in the there. She’s stubborn.

I keep asking her not to pick up the cat but she just won’t listen.

I’ve bought booked but they are all geared towards older children who have been diagnosed with something. She doesn’t really meet the diagnostic criteria to anything because she’s lovely to everyone else but runs circles around us.

I cry all the time because I just don’t know what to do any more. She hits me and gives me bruises but at school she’s an Angel. It must be us, it must be something we are doing or not doing. But I don’t know what it is. I read, I try to learn, I try to listen to her, hell I even watch super nanny for tips but she’s just not wired like other children.

 

[Meg78]

I don’t know if my daughter is autistic. I don’t know what she is to be honest. I’ve read that autistic girls can fit in a school by masking and then it all falls apart at home. I wonder if this is the case with her.

i could use some support/advice. I don’t know where to start. She’s 5 and she’s got some excellent traits. She’s smart and she’s logical, she can watch you do something once and she’s able to do it straightaway. But her temper has always been more than an average child. Even when she was a baby she could scream and cry for hours. I put it down to colic but I fear it’s just the way she is.

I tread on eggshells around her and she knows. I put my foot down and all hell breaks loose. I’ve tried nearly everything. The thing is, she’s good at school and around other people. It’s her dad and me she’s like this with. I know what you’re going to say “it’s because she feels safe with you, she can let it all out” I think there’s more to it than that. I don’t even know what example to give there’s so many.

I guess food is a big thing. She’s always been a picky eater. Needs lots of extra help to get any food down her that isn’t chocolate. She came back from school and asked for two chocolates. I said, hey let’s have one because it’s dinner soon. All hell broke loose. The one chocolate got thrown because she must have two. She hits and kicks and throws, thrashes around hurting herself and others. Normal consequences don’t work because she doesn’t want a hug. She doesn’t want anything other than her own way. What ever that thing is. She says sorry, sometimes but she screams it in your face. You try to talk to her about it afterwards and she just wont have it.

No one else sees this side of her. Everyone thinks she’s lovely. And she is. Sometimes. If you try and make up with her she locks herself in the bathroom and she’ll stay in the there. She’s stubborn.

I keep asking her not to pick up the cat but she just won’t listen.

I’ve bought booked but they are all geared towards older children who have been diagnosed with something. She doesn’t really meet the diagnostic criteria to anything because she’s lovely to everyone else but runs circles around us.

I cry all the time because I just don’t know what to do any more. She hits me and gives me bruises but at school she’s an Angel. It must be us, it must be something we are doing or not doing. But I don’t know what it is. I read, I try to learn, I try to listen to her, hell I even watch super nanny for tips but she’s just not wired like other children.

From my personal perspective, that sounds more like ADHD, or PDA, there wasn’t anything in your description for me that red flagged for autism, it sounds like equalising behaviour

 

[Squittel]

From my personal perspective, that sounds more like ADHD, or PDA, there wasn’t anything in your description for me that red flagged for autism, it sounds like equalising behaviour

I was so all over the place when I wrote it I kind of forgot to write about autism traits. There are a few. Lack of eye contact, lining toys up, special interests (The Beatles) stimming behaviour where she rocks her head to and from the side and closes her eyes.

 

[TheArtisticMouse]

That does sound like PDA. A lot of this behaviour will be about control, and normal discipline won’t work. Could it help giving her a choice, and giving in to certain requests (eg the second chocolate), so long as she’s safe?

 

[WadieHaddadsChocolates]

.
He’s still as obsessed with blood/gore/murder, and repeatedly keeps saying “I want to kill someone”.

His behaviour is totally out of control and completely unpredictable.

My other kids go and hide at the their dads, and my baby can’t play properly because he constantly takes her toys off her and is up on her face screaming, or if she is just having a wander around, he is chasing her and bothering her.

He’s made sexual comments to her too, a few months ago, she was in her car seat and he squatted over her and asked her to touch his willy.

His mum is still allowing him to watch unsuitable online content which is obviously making his obsessions worse.

If someone else told you the above about a step-child of an ex partner, what would you advise them to do in the light of having children of your own who are that step-child's likely target for sexual behaviours and killing rages?

Your partner sounds like he is putting a lot of blame of his ex 's neglect and ignoring the fact he doesn't engage with his child either and thus is also a source of neglect in the child's life. I question why you want kids with a man who won't respond to an existing kid and who is letting you take the weight of his own past and current neglect?

I personally don't really get why you're dealing with this child at all if you're not with his dad tbqh. You can have compassion without having to harm yourself or your kids by allowing him to push you to the edge. Don't set youtrself on fire to warm others. The people who should be 100% responsible for him and accountable for his problems are his mother and father, who seems to have managed to get themselves out of a lot of the burden and push it onto you.

 

[Meg78]

I was so all over the place when I wrote it I kind of forgot to write about autism traits. There are a few. Lack of eye contact, lining toys up, special interests (The Beatles) stimming behaviour where she rocks her head to and from the side and closes her eyes.

Take a look into PDA, demand avoidance is really tough but definitely can be improved with some changes

 

[WhatABore]

Wasn't sure where to ask for advice, saw this thread pop up and thought I would ask.

My nearly 6 year old is currently being assessed for Autism and ADHD. Pushed by the school. (I did mention it back when she started reception)
She isn't violent at all.
However, I'm more looking for advice on being sick/reactions to textures etc
She has been sick almost daily now for about 3 weeks because she's gagged at something/seen something she doesn't like.
Just looking for advice on if there's any way to help her really.
This morning she gagged at a spoon, but couldn't say why.
The day before it was a hair bobble because there was a hair on it.
And then the day before it was a bit of cereal on her hand.

I get worried with her being sick so often as well because she was really ill in hospital with Pneumonia but they think it was Aspriation Pneumonia due to her being sick a lot.
It ended up quite bad and developed into a lot worse than just Pneumonia.

There may not be a way of helping her, but no harm in asking!