My parents broke the news to me a few days ago that they’ll be separating and soon getting a divorce. They told me that they’d pretty much been planning since I was a teenager but didn’t want it to interfere with my education or social life so didn’t do it then. I sort of feel like my whole life has been a lie. I’ve always felt like they’ve been happy and we’ve been a happy family of 3 (I’m an only child). I just feel devastated! Am I overreacting because I’m a grown adult (in my mid-20s)? I get that it’s much worse for a child but I’m still in a state of shock. Any advice on how to deal with this?
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My parents divorced in my 20s too, different circumstances though, my dad had a 3 year long affair and left my mum for the other woman. In the first couple of weeks I was really upset about it and felt the same as you as in was my whole life a lie growing up but the longer time went on the less it bothered me and you do get used to seeing them not together and weirdly dating other people too. Sounds like your parents decision to divorce is amicable which makes things a lot easier. The worst part of my parents divorce was having to listen to my mum obsess and witch about my dad and his new girlfriend for years, thankfully she has moved on now.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I’ve actually been listening to both of them witch about each other since they’ve told me. I’m just fed up of listening to it tbh.
I guess time heals all wounds though. Thanks for the advice
Yeah it’s really annoying being on the receiving end of it, be firm with them and say if they keep coming to you to vent about the other then you won’t spend time with them anymore. My mum was pushing her friends away because she would do nothing but witch about my dad when she would see them, and they were getting sick of hearing about it. She ended up having a couple of therapy sessions which I think helped her so mabye something you could suggest to either of them if it seems like they can’t move on and have alot of resentment?
The positive spin on this is how much they both love you to put their lives and happiness on hold to ensure you had a happy childhood and adolescence. Although it is a shock and will take some getting used to, you need to accept it’s time for them to go their separate ways to ensure it doesn’t get toxic or they become resentful of you for staying together.
I would suggest that you take the time to listen and understand why this has happened, that you grieve the relationship ending (you were a part of that unit and grieving it is a legitimate process) but that you set some boundaries about how involved you want to be.
For example, you can say that you don’t want to take sides or listen to negative comments about the other. That you love them both equally and you’ll be supportive but you’ll shut down conversations that become unpleasant because they are upsetting for you and undermine their work of keeping things civil for your sake.
Thanks for that. I’m just a bit worried because I have my Master’s graduation ceremony in 2 months time and both of them can’t even bear to be in the same room together without screaming at each other. I’m sort of worried that they’ll cause a scene on the day. Hopefully it’ll be enough time for this whole situation to calm down.
I don't think they should have burdened you with the knowledge that they stayed together because of your education, but that's just my opinion
@a musician This happened to me. I hope you’re ok, it sounds pretty acrimonious, and tbf - if they can’t just hold it together without screaming at each other then it wasn’t much good staying together for your alleged benefit?
As someone who almost tore themselves apart trying to resolve, support, soothe and ease the transition for everyone - my advice would be look after your self first. I wouldn’t give so much of myself if I had my time again, I’d be selfish.
There’s nothing you can do to reverse this or change their feelings, what you can control is what happens to you and your life. Don’t let yourself be a sounding board or emotional punch bag, or be guilt tripped into taking sides. This will be harsh but they will get over it. Good luck!
As someone who almost tore themselves apart trying to resolve, support, soothe and ease the transition for everyone - my advice would be look after your self first. I wouldn’t give so much of myself if I had my time again, I’d be selfish.
There’s nothing you can do to reverse this or change their feelings, what you can control is what happens to you and your life. Don’t let yourself be a sounding board or emotional punch bag, or be guilt tripped into taking sides. This will be harsh but they will get over it. Good luck!
Not sure how that's advice
she’s right, it’s a bit manipulative.
they’re adults, but they’re clearly struggling with the changes as much as you are, even if it’s a long time coming,
tell them you don’t want to hear either of them bitching, you’re there to support them both, but you won’t take sides,
People fall out of love, it doesn’t change your childhood, just because you didn’t know how they were feeling doesn’t change the good times you had together, kids don’t need to know what’s going on behind the scenes, many parents protect their kids from financial worries or relationship worries, but they still enjoy the good bits like you, but you’re an adult now, it’s gonna be a very different Christmas for you all, doesn’t have to be seen as a bad thing, you’re all being honest now, that must be a relief for them, don’t overthink things, let them work it out, you’ve lost neither of them, things have just changed.
It’s hard but you’ll all be ok.
My mother waited until I was an 'adult' to leave my father. She told me this and I just didnt find it helpful in anyway.
By adult I was a just turned 18 year old who was not in anyway an adult in anything other than age only.
I can sympathise completely. I really struggled with both of them moving on and like you felt like a huge chunk of my life was a lie. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with it and it has affected me a lot.
By adult I was a just turned 18 year old who was not in anyway an adult in anything other than age only.
I can sympathise completely. I really struggled with both of them moving on and like you felt like a huge chunk of my life was a lie. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with it and it has affected me a lot.
I’m the youngest in my family and I was the only one around when my parents got divorced. I was 21 and trying to start my life, but instead they were leaning on me to soothe themselves. It’s been a decade and they haven’t gotten any better. Set hard boundaries from the get go so that you don’t end up getting hurt. I’m the only daughter and they’re each convinced it is my job to look after them in old age. I’m sure your parents will start eyeing you similarly.
sounds like they already are if they start by saying “we stayed together all this time for YOU” and now they’re bitching about each other
as I said it’s very manipulative.
I have no advice I'm sorry, but if it makes you feel any better I know I would be distraught if my parents divorced and I'm in my 40s! It's a big change to your lives, how can you not be affected. Don't be hard on yourself, I hope others can give you some advice x
Snap, except my mum was the cheater then leaver. Neither parent has actually ever spoken much about the other once it was done. My dad just internalises everything, so he wouldn't talk about his feelings. My mum, when she does speak about my dad, just does so with mild contempt. To be honest, I don't think she ever respected him that much. He was just something she settled for very young and became bound to him through having me.
My parents divorced when I was early 20's, it was a long drawn out process of revealing to us dad has been having affairs the whole marriage, him moving out, then back in giving it another go, lots of arguments and clearly unhappy parents. Him leaving again and coming back for Christmas staying over like nothing had happened. Then eventually going for good.
He then got married 3 yes, 3 times in the 10 years since then...each one has ended very badly.
Safe to say it was a tit confusing time for me and my sister and I think handled really badly by both of my parents. Living at home at the time was horrendous. It massively affected my relationship with my dad who I hardly talk to anymore 10 years later, and they still witch to me about each other to this day.
He then got married 3 yes, 3 times in the 10 years since then...each one has ended very badly.
Safe to say it was a tit confusing time for me and my sister and I think handled really badly by both of my parents. Living at home at the time was horrendous. It massively affected my relationship with my dad who I hardly talk to anymore 10 years later, and they still witch to me about each other to this day.
Parents should never “stay together for the kids”
I had a schoolfriend whose parents were to all intents and purposes separated since my friend was in primary school but they all still lived together until she was 16, “for her” but the parents were getting under each others’ feet, being passive aggressive in front of my friend to the point it was stressful and once my friend left for uni she never looked back and is more or less estranged from both, because they “stayed together” whilst she was a kid. If they’d have been honest and practical about it earlier she could have had better individiualised support from them both, where everyone was comfortable and happy.
I completely sympathise with you though, I would be so hurt.
What’s done is done though so take some solace that they tried to make things easier for you but also recognise this doesn’t give them carte blanche for you to have to put up with bitching from either side and you don’t have to “choose” a side either.
I can sympathize, although I always knew my parents weren't happy as it was too blatantly obvious 
It'll be a challenge and a phase of adaptation, give yourself time to adjust but make sure you value your own well-being too. Supporting your parents is good, but being a crutch to their emotions will really hurt you.
If they were able to convince you that they were actually happy all these years, I hope I am correct in assuming that there isn't hostility between them? That's always helpful to keep things civil. If they start to treat you like their divorce therapist however, or start to guilt you into spending all your time with one or the other, I'd suggest distancing yourself. Their marriage is not your responsibility, so don't feel guilty about the past. It's upsetting and unsettling at any age but as an adult, you can define your boundaries much better than you would have at 13. At least there will be no custody battles.
Wishing you the best, I hope the adjustment will be fairly smooth for you all.
It'll be a challenge and a phase of adaptation, give yourself time to adjust but make sure you value your own well-being too. Supporting your parents is good, but being a crutch to their emotions will really hurt you.
If they were able to convince you that they were actually happy all these years, I hope I am correct in assuming that there isn't hostility between them? That's always helpful to keep things civil. If they start to treat you like their divorce therapist however, or start to guilt you into spending all your time with one or the other, I'd suggest distancing yourself. Their marriage is not your responsibility, so don't feel guilty about the past. It's upsetting and unsettling at any age but as an adult, you can define your boundaries much better than you would have at 13. At least there will be no custody battles.
Wishing you the best, I hope the adjustment will be fairly smooth for you all.