Own self doubt and lack of confidence is affecting my relationship.

[WilmaHun]

I want to start by saying it's taken a lot for me to post this here, I try to remain upbeat on here but I'm really struggling at the moment and don't know where to turn.

My partner and I have been together for 7 years, 8 in August. He's fab. We very rarely argue and when we do it's over and done with within an hour or less. I can count on one hand the number of arguments we've had in our relationship. However, I've constantly got a niggling feeling in my gut that he's going to find someone else. He's not even done anything to make me feel this way, he's never cheated, never spoken to other women online, nothing like that. I believe I feel this way because of my own self doubt and lack of confidence.

I'm really struggling to come to terms with my weight, I'm not even a big girl, size 12/14 max. However when we got together I was a 6/8 so I know I've put weight on. I don't feel comfortable taking my clothes off around him, no matter how much he tells me he loves my body just the way it is. I daren't get intimate unless the lights are off. In addition to that, he's an extrovert and I'm very introverted. This has never been an issue in the past, as I've always found we compliment each other well in social situations, he speaks for me when he knows I'm not comfortable, but not in an overpowering or controlling way. In more of a "I know you're not comfortable so I'll remove the awkwardness for you" kind of way. Lockdown has had me thinking, I'm terrified that when this all ends and we're allowed to socialise again he will be fed up of being with the quiet one, and will come across someone more extroverted who he doesn't need to take care of in social situations.

I know I probably sound so pathetic, but I'm really struggling with learning to love myself. I've spoken to him about this and he's done nothing but reassure me that he loves me, only me, and just the way I am, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm not good enough, or he'll find someone better. He did however express that it's difficult for him to be constantly feeling like he needs to reassure me when he's never even thought about anybody else, which I totally understand.

I guess what I'm asking, is how do I learn to love myself so that I can stop myself potentially destroying my relationship?

 

[JoeBloggs]

I can resonate with this, I never dreamed my husband would like me back and have self doubt. I’ve gained about 4 stone since we’ve been together and I’m very unhappy with my body.

One thing that has helped us is sexy clothes from love honey. They give me confidence and cover my bits and my husband loves them so builds my confidence. That in turn gives me a boost.

We’ve been together 11 years and I still worry he will one someone else. I was cheated on before I met him so I feel like it’s expected to happen.

I know it’s hard, but try not to focus on you worrying about him leaving and focus on improving your confidence.

 

[Pundertaker]

Is there something else going on that has made you start to feel this way, something that has been causing stress or sadness? Or is something from the past rearing its head? In lockdown we have so much time to wallow in our own heads.

You know that your partner loves you and has given you no cause to be suspicious. I wonder if he's indirectly "paying" for someone else's wrongs, now that you're feeling vulnerable.

 

[Fizzwhizz2020]

He sounds like a lovely person and it’s great that he’s so reassuring and you can clearly speak to him about anything that’s bothering you. It almost feels like you’re willing something to happen (even though you’re not) if that makes sense. Of course he loves you for you, it rarely matters what people look like because you see what’s on the inside. Initially attraction may be superficial, but it always ends up going much deeper than that.
Why don’t you do something that’s just for you, something you want. If you’re unhappy with your body and weight, why not focus on changing that (not saying you need to but you mentioned that it’s bothersome). It’s something then that’s just yours and you can focus on it. I can’t say whether it will help you feel better as it’s not really a fix, but it might help you realise that you can do anything you want to do if you have the confidence to try x

 

[sarahboo]

Firstly, thank you for opening up. As someone who has experienced the same difficulties I appreciate how hard it is to open up about them. Lockdown could well be a trigger for you feeling this way, there's so much uncertainty that it's hardly surprising we are all questioning some aspect of our lives once all this is over. You are not pathetic

I got so bad that I ended up having counselling last year. What I learned through counselling was bigger than just learning to love myself & when you dig a bit deeper sometimes it's more than what you feel about your appearance. I used to blame stuff on my weight & how I felt about it, but I uncovered that I actually felt unsettled about other things in my life. It'll be different for everyone as some things do come down to how I feel about myself. The biggest thing though, it is a journey. I initially felt so disappointed when I had my first setback in negative thoughts, but these days happen to all of us & it takes time to counteract that little negative niggling voice in your head.

These are just some of the things that have helped me:

Finding a hobby to occupy my time, I thought I was busy but really I was spending my days off scrolling through my phone & comparing myself to others. I find when I'm feeling negative I force myself to do something productive so my mind is occupied on other things.

Ask yourself what is the worst that could really happen if the relationship ended tomorrow? Yes, you'd be devastated & it's an awful thought but like every other bad thing that is thrown our way in life we handle it the best we can. I still have days where I worry but my attitude now is if he is unhappy or I am unhappy to the point neither of us can work on it, it is not fair to continue the relationship. I make an effort in our relationship & have more fun now than ever. But fundamentally, I also prioritise my happiness it just so happens he is included in it. We also started being more open discussing our sex life which I think helped me massively as I always worried there would be someone else.

Exercise, it's hard to get going sometimes especially when you are berating yourself but I do feel better after I have moved a bit (note to self - - take own advice on this one!).

 

[TheScarletgirl]

You sounds like me i always worry about it although it is ridiculous. i am a 10/12 and everyone says how small i am ,it really isn't big. Sure you have a lovely figure and so does your partner.

Does yours stem from the past ? Mine does after having a nasty relationship .

 

[WilmaHun]

Thank you for your replies, it’s appreciated

im not really sure where these feelings stem from. I’ve not had a bad relationship prior to this, we were childhood sweethearts, got together at 17. Best friends through school etc. I wonder if I just feel like it’s too good to be true.

Im going to try and focus on myself, as has been suggested. Hopefully that will help.
thank you so much for taking time out of your day to reply xx

 

[mochibean]

Thank you for your replies, it’s appreciated

im not really sure where these feelings stem from. I’ve not had a bad relationship prior to this, we were childhood sweethearts, got together at 17. Best friends through school etc. I wonder if I just feel like it’s too good to be true.

Im going to try and focus on myself, as has been suggested. Hopefully that will help.
thank you so much for taking time out of your day to reply xx

Yes definitely do there's some great advice here.

I have definitely felt the same and the way I dealt with it was to focus on me. My goals, my dreams, new hobbies, friends, work, etc. Achieving things and becoming engaged with new hobbies really boosted my confidence within myself.

If you're constantly at home right now it could be that. Everyone's feeling a bit down with the whole situation right now and if you're feeling low mild depression can cause a lot of self-doubt, and leave you feeling hopeless and worthless. Don't worry though, it's probably just situational, and things will improve.

 

[Milliehaha123]

First of all - he sounds wonderful. How refreshing to have a thread all about how great a partner is!

It sounds like a lot of your insecurities come from your weight - I don’t think there is anything wrong with being a size 12-14 (obviously) but would you be happier if you were lighter? He clearly loves you either way but happiness has to come from within.

Ultimately though we all have to put our trust in someone and be vulnerable. You never really know what might make someone stray and you never know 100% that they wouldn’t find someone else but try to not obsess over it. Until he gives you a reason to worry - don’t! X

 

[greenvelvet]

Maybe because you feel so low about yourself and are being unkind to yourself, your fear that your partner will leave you or hurt you is an extension of that? Sometimes when we think badly of ourselves, we expect bad things to be done to us and feel as if we actually deserve them because we think we are less than. I know rationally you don’t think you deserve to be cheated on but i think on some subconscious level, thinking it will happen because you’re not good enough, is thinking you deserve it. You’ve set him cheating on you up as the natural consequence of your own inadequacy but that isn’t fair or true

You are being quite hard on yourself. In one post, you’ve called yourself and your own distress pathetic, said you’re not good enough, that he’s going to get fed up with you and cheat on you. I know you’re trying to illustrate that you are worried about your insecurities getting in the way of trusting your bf which in turn could affect the relationship, which is fair enough, but I think you can put it in kinder terms. You deserve kindness from everyone, including yourself!

I am frequently negative about myself and my therapist says that it’s a kind of habitual self-punishment that I frame to myself as me staying humble and down to earth. I sometimes do it preemptively, like I think everyone else will think badly of me if I don’t knock myself down a couple of pegs, which isn’t true of anyone worth my while. Even little things like thinking “God, I’m such a crybaby” when I’m upset invalidates my own feelings and such, and in the long run this prolongs the feelings of unhappiness anyway because I’m not supporting myself. It’s not productive! You wouldn’t provide to support to someone else by saying “you’re a crybaby”, “you’re being overdramatic”, “your insecurities will ruin the relationship”, “maybe you feel this way because you’re too fat”, etc.. in fact, this stuff would usually firmly be on the “do not say” list.

From what you’ve said, he’s a great guy. he is not going to cheat on you! And if someone cheated on you, it wouldn’t be because of your insecurities.

Practise kindness towards yourself & notice when you’re being mean to yourself. I find practising mindfulness and meditating really helps with this as I notice all these little digs I make at myself much more often. I also find it much more easier to wish kindness on myself when I think about the inner child. Some people find it cringe, but for me it was a way to understand how to love myself as I genuinely didn’t know how to otherwise.

Body issues are hard. I’ve found doing something physical and getting good at it helps those feelings as I feel more proud of my body. I’ve put on a bit of weight over lockdown but I still feel happy that my body can support me. Maybe doing some stretching and yoga would give a similar feeling, or taking up something artistic (like dance) or strength-based or cardio-y like running. It’s good for your self-esteem to feel powerful or graceful in this way, plus you get those positive chemicals flowing, makes it easier to sleep etc..

lockdown definitely exacerbates these feelings - so easy to get low these days. Best wishes to you xx

 

[watermelon sugar]

Aww lovely I've just come across this post. I'm sorry you're not feeling yourself and feeling down

I'm the exact same as you. Every word of it, I always feel like my boyfriend is going to leave me and find someone better. I've hardly got any confidence and I've been quite depressed. He is such a character, so social able, funny, got tons of friends and everyone loves him, im just his quite girlfriend who likes staying in and being unsociable i always think hes just gonna get up and go and find a girlfriend who is more on his wavelength. He reassures me to no end that he won't and that he loves me.

With the weight- I've put on weight too and it's tit! Everyone gets comfortable in relationships and im sure you don't look bad at all. Size 12/14 is what I am as well. Dont get in a faff worrying about your weight and looks because by what you've written he sounds like a lovely guy who reassures you

I don't know what advice to give really other than just remember he loves you and the niggly feeling is not right. He's not gonna leave you, he loves you and everything is OK

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

Sorry you are feeling how you are OP.. sometimes we can overthink ourselves into feeling this way and its awful

I can completely relate to yourself and other posters. I always feel like my partner is going to leave and find someone else, skinnier, prettier, who has much less insecurities. I know though this is my anxiety and I have no reason at all to suddenly just think like this. I overthink it and then make these scenarios up in my head and actually make myself sad or upset even though I have completely just made them up. I used to be a size 10 and then a 12 and now I am a 12-14, big bum and big thighs and I get that self conscious I will never wear jeans or anything quite tight so i live in dresses and skirts with black tights! Seems ridiculous but I don't like the person looking back at me in the mirror... I am trying to be healthier and fitter though I know it will take time. I think my worries and insecurities come from past relationships and an ex who constantly called me fat etc.. so you just kind of constantly think this is what you are.

Your boyfriend seems like a lovely person and much like mine, with the reassuring etc but the constant reassuring can be a bit annoying to him as it makes him feel like i don't believe him or that he is a bad boyfriend hence me having insecurities but he tells me all the time how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. If i feel anxious at all he can always tell and tells me I can talk to him, he always makes me feel better. I am not as bad as I used to be with it, about 2 years ago I was always needing reassurance but as our relationship has grown, I have gotten stronger and better. I think once I shift a little weight I will feel more like me and more confident in my own skin and body but thats more for me, and my goal in learning to love myself.

Try and work on yourself a little, to build some more self confidence, learn to love yourself. Don't stress or worry about the future or things we have no control over, what will be will be but don't push your partner away either because he sounds like a really genuine person and they are hard to find these days x