On The Fence About A 2nd Baby

[HoneyBee29]

TW: talk of miscarriage & traumatic birth!

I couldn’t find any threads on this so thought I’d make one. Hoping to potentially find other parents that currently feel on the fence about having a 2nd baby or if anybody can share their experiences of feeling the same but then went on and had another baby. Bit of a backstory I’ve a nearly 4 year old little girl, had a traumatic birth/labour experience which had a big affect on my mental health pp, suffered with anxiety and depression for a few years after it, went on medication and did a lot of therapy and I’m doing a lot better. Always wanted 2 but after the birth of my 1st wasn’t in any rush to have another. We started trying after my daughter turned 3 last March and fell pregnant in September and unfortunately miscarried. We took a few months off and started back trying again this month but now kind of on the fence about whether I actually want another one or not though I don’t feel like I’m 1 and done either, my heads just a bit all over the place

 

[HoneyBee29]

I have 2 with a 4 year gap. I love my number 2 to pieces obviously but 2 is exponentially harder than 1. They argue all the time and are both happier and easier when they’re solo. I advise people not to have 2

Tbh 1 is hard. I’m a sahm with minimal help and support, my husband works round the clock and I do think that has a massive affect as well but I also don’t feel done with 1 and I’ve never seen myself with only 1 also don’t want to regret it if I don’t have anymore. I have been told by a few an extra one feels no different, but everyone’s different I suppose and everyone’s circumstances are different. I just like to hear different opinions on it. My husband isn’t bothered either way, he says it’s up to me as I’m the one with them 90% of the time.

 

[geegeex]

2 is deffo harder than 1 and 1 extra child definitely feels different. Maybe not in the new born days as much but once toddlerhood hits, they fight and argue all day long. Mine are both much happier on their own and I advise anyone to stop at 1.

 

[AManWalksDownTheStreet]

There is a great deal of pressure to have a second child and I do wonder if a lot of people have another because of feeling like they should rather than it being what they genuinely want. I struggled with the decision and asked myself how I would feel about it if:
The 2nd child did not get on with, or bullied the first (or vice versa)
Our marriage would fall apart under the strain of no time together and exhaustion (we just about manage with one)
The 2nd child had health problems and/or special needs that impacted family life significantly

If I would still be glad to have a 2nd child if any of the above were true, that would be the right basis on which to go ahead. We decided against it.

 

[uberoblique]

We are 90% stopping at one.

I needed a shitload of fertility treatment - 6 rounds of IVF - to have her. Ironically I ended up with four embryos from the final round so we’ve got options, theoretically.

But she was a tricky baby (extreme Velcro and a non-sleeper) and she’s now the most fabulous easy toddler. I’m also 42 now and I just don’t think I’ve got it in me now to go back to those days. I thoroughly enjoy her now she’s able to have a conversation with me, if I’m truthful I didn’t really enjoy her before she could walk.

I was a similarly tricky baby and it nearly broke my parents - there’s a 3.5yo age gap between me and my sister for a reason. They thought my sister was broken initially because she just ate and slept as a newborn and wasn’t howling the house down 8 hours a day.

 

[uberoblique]

The things I worry about

- I’m an older mum so realistically I’ll be starting to decline when she’s in her 30s and probably dead by the time she’s 45. She won’t have anyone to share that experience with
- Not having someone to share her childhood with. I’m quite close to my sisters

Basically, the only good reasons I’ve got to have a second are to benefit her - not because I want a second.

Things she will get as an only - lots of money and time to pursue her passions and probably private education. Probably, also benefit from generational wealth.

 

[tarquin16]

We are one and done, I had a horrendous pregnancy and labour which I don't want to repeat, suffered with depression and anxiety afterwards which I'm still not through, tbh I find life hard enough with one so can't imagine throwing another into the mix. My husband wanted 2 initially but I think it was just because of the social expectations, he now is happy with the one we have got. We'll be able to take her on foreign holidays and live more comfortable than if we had more children. I'd say if you're not 100% sure then take a breather and stop trying, if you feel the desire again you'll know it's the right decision for you