Not seeing parent at Christmas

[JLXRD]

I think (despite the fact it may feel a little embarrassing), your MIL won't feel any lesser about you from such a strange message if she receives it. Well done for sending the message, and again, I'm sorry you're in that position. You deserve to have a lovely Christmas, despite what your mother is telling you.

Thank you, I’m hoping she won’t, MIL knows a bit about her previous behaviour from some of the dramas I had around our wedding planning, so I think she would take it well.

I would just feel embarrassed and somewhat guilty that because of me, this person is in their lives and sending them messages. I don’t want them to think of me as a cause of trouble I guess.

You’ve all been super kind, thank you so much for listening to me rant a bit and offering some great advice

 

[Definitelyme]

Well done for telling her no, she had no right to tell you your Christmas plans. As someone who also has an alcoholic mother, I understand the embarrassment that comes with MIL finding out. A few years ago my mum got really bad, and we felt that as things affected our kids, we owed it to mil and fil to tell them, keep them in the loop so to speak. I did feel shame and embarrassment, but my MIL was very kind and understanding, and has never mentioned it again. So please don’t worry about that, it sounds like you are close to your in laws and they would only want to make sure you are ok.

 

[JLXRD]

Haven’t heard from the MIL so guessing empty threat... phew!

again just wanted to say thank you everyone for your advice and I hope you all have an a amazing (stress free ) Christmas with your loved ones after this crazy year

 

[Esme]

I’m sure if your MIL did receive a message she wouldn’t think you were causing trouble at all. It is absolutely no reflection on you, you can’t control people and I’m sure your husbands family know you pretty well so wouldn’t assume you were causing problems.

If anything, I suspect the threat to message MIL is a scare tactic to try and force you to do what she wants. She knows you won’t want that message being sent so the only way to stop it is if you change your mind.

But that won’t work, she can message but really what is she going to say. It’ll be ridiculous to message your MIL out of the blue accusing you of things. If it does come to that, if it was me, I’d ask my husband to explain a little to MIL what the truth is. As the message above, I’m sure your MIL would treat you with kindness and understanding too and then it wouldn’t be discussed again.

Haven’t heard from the MIL so guessing empty threat... phew!

again just wanted to say thank you everyone for your advice and I hope you all have an a amazing (stress free ) Christmas with your loved ones after this crazy year

There you go! And remember, even if a message does get sent you’ve had some great advice here on how to handle it. There is no more room for stress in 2020. Going out on all positive vibes this Christmas/new year

 

[LaurieLaurie]

How close are you to your step dad and brother? If I had a younger brother who’s Christmas may be ruined by a drunken mum then I might think differently and go to make it better for him.

 

[JLXRD]

How close are you to your step dad and brother? If I had a younger brother who’s Christmas may be ruined by a drunken mum then I might think differently and go to make it better for him.

My brother will spend the majority of his day with his girlfriend and is only going to my mums house for Christmas dinner for a few hours. He lives down the road so can easily leave, however I had run this by him already a week or so ago and he said he didn’t blame me at all for not coming and that actually it helped in terms of his household bubbling for us to not be there.

He’s not currently in the best space with our mother for various reasons and has said he will go there for a few hours at most.

I can see where you’re coming from but he is an adult and can leave, it would be different were he still a child.

As for my stepdad, he is a nice guy but just keeps quiet for an easy life. I don’t dislike him but he has seen my mother be very violent with both myself and my brother when we were young and not stepped in because that would make his life harder. We have never argued but we are not close. He also has an alcohol problem.

 

[HelloStereo]

She physically and mentally abused you, you don't owe her anything. If you're happier spending Christmas with your husband and his family, do it.

I hate that some family members feel they can treat you how you want and you will forgive them / still be accommodating because they're family.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I do feel for you, this whole situation reminds me of the situation I used to have with my half sister. She’s my dad’s child and she’s always been a controlling cow, she used to bully me when I was younger, despite her being seven years older.

a few years back when I was 18, she was living at home with my dad, but she had a partner who lived a short distance away.

the previous Christmas she had made arrangements that I would come to my dad’s to see her and him and I would need to be there for 9, as her partner was picking her up at 10:30. I went along with this and it caused a huge falling out with my mum (who I lived with) because I’d left her alone Christmas morning to deal with getting everything sorted. Now my mum can also be sly as well, if she had said to me it was an issue, I wouldn’t have gone, but she didn’t say anything until afterwards.

anyway fast forward to the following year when I was 18, I had learnt and I wasn’t going to leave my mum again. My sister messaged asking me to be there for 8am! All because her partner was picking her up at 10! To which I basically said no, cue a huge argument and hurls of abuse from her. Long story short, my sister and my dad haven’t spoken to me for seven years.

do what makes you happy, you don’t have to make yourself miserable at Christmas to suit your mum, it’s not like she’s alone. Well done for telling her, you’ve done the right thing.

 

[Babyyoda88]

Thank you all for the suggestions and kindness

I have considered ignoring it, but I do fee that might be a bit unfair for her in terms of getting food in etc I just can’t cope with a big argument.

I am also a bit worried about saying covid as the main reason, as then next year if every thing is fine, it will be the same thing again - but I suppose I could cross that bridge when o come to it.

I’m wording a message back along the lines of ‘I won’t be coming for Christmas for many reasons, covid restrictions being one of them. I’m sorry if that hurts your feeling or doesn’t meet your expectations in some way.’

not sure if I should apologise though

just dreading the message back at this point.

that sounds like a good response. Sorry you’re being out through that kind of pressure!
the guilt trip people go through on Christmas! No wonder some people go away so they don’t have to deal with it.

 

[Ohflogoff]

Oh I am so sorry to read this. From what you’ve said, with the abusive past she made you endure, she is still trying to exert authority and control over you. Her come back from your message says it all. I read it as “you’re not doing as I tell you, so I’m going to get control another way and that is to try and shame you in front of others”. That is not on.

I am glad you were able to assert your adult self and tell her how it is.

sending hugs x

 

[Rosie878]

I wouldn’t feel any guilt as it sounds like she was almost trying to blackmail/manipulate you by threatening to message your mother in law and cause you embarrassment. I think that on its own is reason enough not to see her for a while.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas!

 

[JLXRD]

Hi guys, thanks for all the further lovely responses!

I’ve not heard from my mother since she said she was messaging MIL, but she hasn’t so I agree it was probably just her threatening it as a means to get my to do what she wanted.

Hopefully there won’t be any more on the subject, she has told my Nan now (her mum) that because I have done this and acted so selfishly she can’t continue any form of relationship with me, which to be honest would be a relief at this stage, however once covid is done would make family events quite hard as I still have a great relationship with my Nan and the rest of her family.

She also will likely try and message me as though nothing has happened in a few weeks which is what she normally does after she blows up. I’m not sure how I would react then tbh. We shall see.

Anyway, apologies for that little ramble but a few more people posted some lovely replies so thought I’d say thank you!

And wish you all an excellent Christmas

 

[Ohflogoff]

Hi guys, thanks for all the further lovely responses!

I’ve not heard from my mother since she said she was messaging MIL, but she hasn’t so I agree it was probably just her threatening it as a means to get my to do what she wanted.

Hopefully there won’t be any more on the subject, she has told my Nan now (her mum) that because I have done this and acted so selfishly she can’t continue any form of relationship with me, which to be honest would be a relief at this stage, however once covid is done would make family events quite hard as I still have a great relationship with my Nan and the rest of her family.

She also will likely try and message me as though nothing has happened in a few weeks which is what she normally does after she blows up. I’m not sure how I would react then tbh. We shall see.

Anyway, apologies for that little ramble but a few more people posted some lovely replies so thought I’d say thank you!

And wish you all an excellent Christmas

Hopefully you nan will see through her and know what she is like. You absolutely did the right thing. No one deserves to be treated like that. You may not have been able to escape it when you were weeny, but you absolutely have a voice now and are more than entitled to use it. Xxxx