Non inclusive in law help!

[Bimbles28]

Hi all!

I’ve been with my partner 3 years now and I have a son from a previous relationship. My in laws have made it very clear they don’t approve of me having a child with someone else. It really bugs me that after 3 years we are still not included in being a “package deal” and my partner is invited over and included in everything but never me and my son. His mum told me to my face I wasn’t good enough for her son so I’m at a loss with what to do?!

Do I just accept that I’m never going to please them?

 

[Scvee13]

Hi all!

I’ve been with my partner 3 years now and I have a son from a previous relationship. My in laws have made it very clear they don’t approve of me having a child with someone else. It really bugs me that after 3 years we are still not included in being a “package deal” and my partner is invited over and included in everything but never me and my son. His mum told me to my face I wasn’t good enough for her son so I’m at a loss with what to do?!

Do I just accept that I’m never going to please them?

What does your partner say and do in relation to this?

 

[Youtubegossip]

Hi all!

I’ve been with my partner 3 years now and I have a son from a previous relationship. My in laws have made it very clear they don’t approve of me having a child with someone else. It really bugs me that after 3 years we are still not included in being a “package deal” and my partner is invited over and included in everything but never me and my son. His mum told me to my face I wasn’t good enough for her son so I’m at a loss with what to do?!

Do I just accept that I’m never going to please them?

Yeah duck her. Remember her attitude if and when you have a child with her son. How nasty of her

 

[Doobots]

What does your partner say and do in relation to this?

Yeah your partner needs to be leading the charge on this. It's for him to set the tone that you and your child are important to him and need to be included. I hope he's supporting you as she sounds like a nightmare.

 

[Oohthedrama]

In my opinion..........She’s his mum,
she’s allowed to feel how she feels, you don’t really have the right to say she can‘t feel the way she does about you and your child, however unfair it is.

But this isn’t your argument, this is between your partner and his mum, if you eventually marry and have kids then she’s made a very uncomfortable bed for herself when you’re the mother of her grandchild.

but its all in his court, he’s gonna need to be the one to step up and speak to her on your behalf, or explain to you why he’s ok with the arrangement as it is right now.

To be honest I’d be more annoyed at him for accepting this arrangement than I would at his mum.
just my opinion

 

[skintsocks]

She's the one who is missing out. She's missing out on getting to know you, and she is missing out on having a wonderful relationship with your child. Your child won't forget how they have been treated, and in future years, she could potentially miss out on your child having a family also. I think your partner needs to man up though, and make it clear that you are a package and you are ALL his family now.

 

[F the dust.]

I have 4 boys, if ever I find myself in this situation, I hope I can take the stick out of my arse and accept my son's decision. See if he loves someone and they make him happy..then that is good enough for me! I'd like to think I could show humility and kindness and make you and your child a welcome part of my family...I'm sorry I do not understand his mother's point if view at all.

 

[SunshineDreamer]

When I married my husband his mother was very reluctant to let go - her side of the family is Indian/has Indian heritage and she wasn’t quite happy with his choice. We’ve been together since I was 19. We now have 3 children and it’s still incredibly strained however we are civil but as others have said, it was my husband who had to fight that battle and tell his mum enough was enough. It was difficult but I just kept on trying.

Be the bigger person - if she doesn’t invite you, invite her over and keep doing it until as accepts.

 

[Bimbles28]

Thanks for the advice guys. My partner has spoken up but he’s often dismissed. I don’t hate his parents I actually think they are good parents and have raised a great son it’s just sad that the relationship is the way it is. Having to force myself puts me completely out of my own comfort zone as I had an abusive childhood with my own parents so I’m so protective over my son and always want to protect his heart and make sure he feels loved as I never was. (My mum used to tell her kids she wished she never had us and doesn’t love us) Unfortunately I can’t have any more children so we will adopt/foster in the future. Really appreciate the advice you’ve all given though.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I know it must hurt, I've been with my partner for 15 years and his parents still don't really treat me as family. I always thought that when I have a MIL she would treat me like a daughter. At first I was upset but after a couple of years I've made peace with it and just treat them like I would my own family.

I think you should just be yourself and treat them with kindness and respect. I always think to myself if that was my parents and they treated my partner like that how would I want him to behave. In fairness my partner does often stick up for me but I guess that is just how some people are.

Like somebody else pointed out she is the one missing out and she is the one who will regret all this when you give them a grandchild

 

[Irrch]

Wow.
join the crappy MIL club xx

 

[Hinchhater1442]

I HAVE A CRAPPY MIL

it used to drive me insane, but now I kind of silently enjoy it knowing I can so easily get my own back. Guess who’s coming over LAST when I have a newborn that I know she’ll be dying to see? And being too busy for her to spend time with once I have my own children.
It might sound petty but all the times I’ve had to feel awful and upset - it’s time to start being selfish!

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

I would expect my partner to grow some balls and stand up for me! I would make sure she knew how rude she was being, maybe plan nice activities for you and your little one when your partner's with his family

I come from a really inclusive family and I am the same with my children and their friends, our home is open to anyone who needs/wants it

 

[Twinkle485]

Ohhhhhh your time will come. Trust me. Guess who’s mil was a witch to her for nearly 14 years. Guess who’s now homeless and is begging for somewhere to stay
People may think I’m nasty but she has been disgusting and treats her grandkids and son like tit on her shoes.
I cannot tell you how much I grin when she cries to my oh. Boots on my foot she ain’t moving in.

 

[Suzesnooze]

Is your partner an only child? I have a family member whose an only child and his mother is besotted with him. He met a lovely girl and they had 3 children but his mother doesn’t like his partner and told me she wasn’t good enough for him! I do think mums of boys seem more clingy as what’s the saying ‘a son is a son til he gets a wife but a daughter is a daughter all of her life’. This phrase was particularly true with my brother. We lost him to his wife’s side of the family. I also think a lot of men find it hard to tell their mother she’s been out of order. My husband never wants to upset his mother but is ok with her sly digs towards me!

I think though that your partner should start refusing to attend any family gatherings on his own unless you and your child are also invited.

Maybe you should write her a letter explaining your own childhood and your admiration for them as good parents and how you hoped they would welcome you into their loving family seeing as you didn’t get to experience one yourself? Basically, make her feel guilty at her treatment towards you and your child.

 

[Delia Smith]

I could write a book about my MIL and I don’t even have kids yet.
My partner is an only child and my god don’t I know it!
She treats him like a cross between a baby and a husband. It’s weird. She has a long term partner herself but I swear if it was legal she’d marry her son.

 

[IrishGryffindor]

Hi all!

I’ve been with my partner 3 years now and I have a son from a previous relationship. My in laws have made it very clear they don’t approve of me having a child with someone else. It really bugs me that after 3 years we are still not included in being a “package deal” and my partner is invited over and included in everything but never me and my son. His mum told me to my face I wasn’t good enough for her son so I’m at a loss with what to do?!

Do I just accept that I’m never going to please them?

It's an issue for your partner and his mum.
Is she Catholic? My mam would be the same at the start cause of religion but no way would she stay like this after the initial shock!!

 

[Bimbles28]

Is your partner an only child? I have a family member whose an only child and his mother is besotted with him. He met a lovely girl and they had 3 children but his mother doesn’t like his partner and told me she wasn’t good enough for him! I do think mums of boys seem more clingy as what’s the saying ‘a son is a son til he gets a wife but a daughter is a daughter all of her life’. This phrase was particularly true with my brother. We lost him to his wife’s side of the family. I also think a lot of men find it hard to tell their mother she’s been out of order. My husband never wants to upset his mother but is ok with her sly digs towards me!

I think though that your partner should start refusing to attend any family gatherings on his own unless you and your child are also invited.

Maybe you should write her a letter explaining your own childhood and your admiration for them as good parents and how you hoped they would welcome you into their loving family seeing as you didn’t get to experience one yourself? Basically, make her feel guilty at her treatment towards you and your child.

No he’s not an only child he has a brother and his girlfriend is treated completely differently to me and they are very close.

My partner has explained how my upbringing was and a lot of what has happened to me does shock people. So I think maybe assumptions are made purely based off the way I’ve been raised (if we can call it that!).

Thank you for your advice! I appreciate it. Maybe that’s something I could try.

It's an issue for your partner and his mum.
Is she Catholic? My mam would be the same at the start cause of religion but no way would she stay like this after the initial shock!!

No not religious at all. In an ideal world I think everyone would be with their child’s parent so I completely agree in that respect but we are better parents separately.

 

[Twinkle485]

And if all else fails “sneeze muffins” you’re welcome.