New boyfriend, herpes, what do I do?

Brigitjonesbuttcheek · Apr 2, 2023

So I met a guy, I really like him. Ticks all the boxes. Couple dates things going well. Only kissed, he's now told me when he was younger he got herpes. Doesn't have symptoms but had to tell me (obvs) before anything goes further.

Now I'm conflicted. I like him. But I also don't want herpes. There's so much conflicting information online.

I get coldsores, quote often. So I already have a hsv virus. From what he said he doesn't get flare ups.

So do I keep seeing him and use condoms. Do I just cut it off. Do I wait to see if it's gonna be long term . Could it be that I'm not at risk because I already have the oral virus.

What do I do.

HotesTilaire · Apr 2, 2023

He’s really good to tell you, you know. I reckon contact your local GUM clinic, they’re the experts to ask.

E84Blair · Apr 2, 2023

Agreed with above, whatever happens it was decent of him to tell you but I would definitely only listen to advice from medical professionals, ideally with specialist knowledge.

geegeex · Apr 2, 2023

A lot of people have the virus without actually knowing and never have flare ups. It was decent of him to tell you. Speak to your local clinic and get advice. Personally I would wait and see if it was long term before committing and use protection? Obviously don’t do anything if he has a flare up. But there is medication for it and it’s not the end of the world, like I say more people than you think would have it without knowing.

Kim Mild · Apr 2, 2023

I wouldn't give up on him because of a health issue. He seems like a decent bloke to be able to have a conversation about it. You could take it slow on the intimacy front until you find out what precautions are needed to avoid transmitting.

Maybe speak to the gp surgery . There might be a sexual health nurse who can speak to you and give you information about what is involved.

I knew a girl who caught herpes as a teenager, but now she is married with kids.

Brigitjonesbuttcheek · Apr 2, 2023

From what he said he doesn't have flare ups of symptoms, but it's dormant.

I read online that loads of people have it and don't even know.

I think I'm just gonna take it slow on the sex thing and obviously use protection.

I'm just a bit gutted because it felt like this guy and too perfect for me there must be a catch. And then he tells me this

Codiaeum · Apr 2, 2023

Most people probably wouldn't have said anything, so from that perspective, he is very decent. And as written above, many people carry it without even knowing or ever getting a flare-up. I wouldn't call this the end-all catch if you really like him. just speak to a medical professional whether there's something specific other than condoms to use to protect yourself before rushing into calling things off.

judgejohndeed · Apr 2, 2023

Brigitjonesbuttcheek said:
I'm just a bit gutted because it felt like this guy and too perfect for me there must be a catch. And then he tells me this

Just wondering how you would feel if someone said this about you when finding out you get coldsores? Because it's literally the same, you can pass those on even when not symptomatic and you said you get outbreaks still whereas he doesn't so to be honest it sounds like you're actually more risky in terms of passing it on than he is! Do you tell potential partners that you get coldsores upfront etc, a lot of people wouldn't/don't. A lot of people will have some kind of HPV and won't ever know about it, there's no guarantee that someone else you sleep with etc doesn't have HPV of some kind just because they don't know about it, so I don't really understand why someone telling you they had it would put you off especially given you have coldsores. Seems a shame to write someone off for that, obviously it is 100% your choice but personally I don't really get it

Brigitjonesbuttcheek · Apr 3, 2023

judgejohndeed said:
Just wondering how you would feel if someone said this about you when finding out you get coldsores? Because it's literally the same, you can pass those on even when not symptomatic and you said you get outbreaks still whereas he doesn't so to be honest it sounds like you're actually more risky in terms of passing it on than he is! Do you tell potential partners that you get coldsores upfront etc, a lot of people wouldn't/don't. A lot of people will have some kind of HPV and won't ever know about it, there's no guarantee that someone else you sleep with etc doesn't have HPV of some kind just because they don't know about it, so I don't really understand why someone telling you they had it would put you off especially given you have coldsores. Seems a shame to write someone off for that, obviously it is 100% your choice but personally I don't really get it

I guess it's just the concern of catching it. I don't know much about it and there was stuff online that basically said it's really contagious.

But I get what you're saying. It's not fair to write someone off for that. I'm gonna keep seeing him and just be careful with protection and stuff.

HotesTilaire · Apr 3, 2023

Brigitjonesbuttcheek said:
I guess it's just the concern of catching it. I don't know much about it and there was stuff online that basically said it's really contagious.

But I get what you're saying. It's not fair to write someone off for that. I'm gonna keep seeing him and just be careful with protection and stuff.

It is really contagious, and you can’t actually really protect yourself from it.

Brigitjonesbuttcheek · Apr 3, 2023

HotesTilaire said:
It is really contagious, and you can’t actually really protect yourself from it.

That's what's putting me off.

But I do really like him.

At the same time I could already have it and not know. I get coldsores so I do carry a strain of it. Plus I slept around a lot when I was younger and never used protection.

HotesTilaire · Apr 3, 2023

Brigitjonesbuttcheek said:
That's what's putting me off.

But I do really like him.

At the same time I could already have it and not know. I get coldsores so I do carry a strain of it. Plus I slept around a lot when I was younger and never used protection.

Exactly, you could already have it. You could get it from him, and never have a flare. You could have an initial flare, then no more. Or you could have flares regularly.

Brigitjonesbuttcheek · Apr 3, 2023

HotesTilaire said:
Exactly, you could already have it. You could get it from him, and never have a flare. You could have an initial flare, then no more. Or you could have flares regularly.

The NHS says as long as you use protection and don't do anything during flare ups (which he says he doesn't have) then it should be fine.

So I think it'll be ok. When I lost my husband I felt like I never wanted to be in a relationship ever again. Then I met this guy randomly in a bar and feel like a love sick teenager. So I really don't wanna write the whole thing off because of this. And as others said, it was pretty decent of him to tell me, so at least we can manage the risk.

I never wanted to go back on the pill either so at least there is no pressure to do that.

Miss Taken · Apr 4, 2023

You say: "Do I just cut it off?" Sounds a bit drastic!.

No style rocky · Apr 4, 2023

Check out herpes.org.uk there’s a great FAQ page. HSV is very common but it’s often dramatised and misunderstood. Most of us will have HSV at some point but not be symptomatic some of us will by symptomatic but not even realise as the symptoms are so mild. This chap obviously thinks lots of you and trusts you enough to let you know.

Hot_Dogs_Or_Toes · Apr 17, 2023

Herpes is so overblown in terms of 'seriousness' it's really silly. It was only ever brought in to the mainstream attention because a drug company invented a drug to treat it and in order to sell it they had to market it as though they were treating a really serious problem.

As others have said the vast majority of us carry the herpes virus, many of us don't even know it but statistically if you are over 25 and have had sex in your life then you're more likely than not to actually already have it!

I found out a couple of years ago that I have the HSV2 version of herpes (the one that gives you genital herpes) and aside from the occasional outbreak on average once a year (which in itself is just a little red mark just under my foreskin that I can barely feel) it affects me in no way whatsoever.

My advice would be just carry on as normal. Have sex as normal, use condoms if that's what you would normally do or if you normally have unprotected sex then it is hardly any different in terms of risk (leaving aside other STIs of course!) so carry on with that if going bare is your thing.

The further away from the original infection you get the less and less outbreaks you get too so eventually it will pretty much be risk free on that front anyway.

Hot_Dogs_Or_Toes · Apr 17, 2023

judgejohndeed said:
Just wondering how you would feel if someone said this about you when finding out you get coldsores? Because it's literally the same, you can pass those on even when not symptomatic and you said you get outbreaks still whereas he doesn't so to be honest it sounds like you're actually more risky in terms of passing it on than he is! Do you tell potential partners that you get coldsores upfront etc, a lot of people wouldn't/don't. A lot of people will have some kind of HPV and won't ever know about it, there's no guarantee that someone else you sleep with etc doesn't have HPV of some kind just because they don't know about it, so I don't really understand why someone telling you they had it would put you off especially given you have coldsores. Seems a shame to write someone off for that, obviously it is 100% your choice but personally I don't really get it

@Brigitjonesbuttcheek This is also a very good point. Did you not tell the guy before you kissed him that you get coldsores so he could choose whether he went ahead and kissed you or not? It's the same thing really as he has told you about his herpes but you didn't tell him about yours. Maybe he should be the one cutting you off?

Just food for thought and actually I don't think either of you should be cutting each other off if you like each other by the way. Just highlighting the silliness of it all. Herpes, coldsores etc. they're nothing to get hung up over.

Brigitjonesbuttcheek · Apr 17, 2023

I 100% get what you're saying about cold sores, but socially they are just not viewed the same way.

Anyway I found a statistic that said with condoms and no symptoms there is only like a 1 in 1000 chance of passing it on. So after reading that and the comments here i decided I don't care.

So we're still seeing each other and it doesn't bother me.

Hot_Dogs_Or_Toes · Apr 17, 2023

Brigitjonesbuttcheek said:
I 100% get what you're saying about cold sores, but socially they are just not viewed the same way.

Anyway I found a statistic that said with condoms and no symptoms there is only like a 1 in 1000 chance of passing it on. So after reading that and the comments here i decided I don't care.

So we're still seeing each other and it doesn't bother me.

That's great to hear I'm happy for you that you've found someone. Enjoy yourself lol

Bleurghgram · Apr 19, 2023

My ex had herpes, he didn’t take medication so had regular flare ups. We didn’t have sex when he was in a flare up and always wore a condom, I didn’t catch it from him. Our sex life made me sad, we’d sometimes have sex three times a week but then go through a three month drought because he’d have back to back breakouts. I think it’s way more common than people realise and shouldn’t impact whether or not you keep seeing him. My ex really struggled with feeling ‘less than’, it completely knocked his confidence. He was a wanker, mind.

New boyfriend, herpes, what do I do?

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