Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

[Barbs89]

Has anyone noticed that a lot of their conversations revolve around the same subjects? Anything outside of that gets shut down super quick or full on ignored

Often a variation of talking about themselves or their day or talking tit about other people. It is so tiring, I genuinely don't understand how they are able to have friends that supposedly like them and enjoy their company

They also ask questions that they don’t wait for an answer to at the end of whatever they’ve been speaking about or my mother in law has this bullying ‘don’t you agree’ thing she says after her most mental statements, so you can’t disagree!
I am married to a golden child, who tries to distance himself from his mother nowadays, unfortunately it’s not as easy for me and the kids-so my question is- has anyone had experience with golden grandchild? Because as much as I’m trying not to let it happen, she just doesn’t give a duck about my other kids now the youngest is perfect age for her to fawn over! It’s so difficult to explain to children but they know she’s not ok, they experience normal grand parenting with my mother.

 

[shadowcat5]

They also ask questions that they don’t wait for an answer to at the end of whatever they’ve been speaking about or my mother in law has this bullying ‘don’t you agree’ thing she says after her most mental statements, so you can’t disagree!
I am married to a golden child, who tries to distance himself from his mother nowadays, unfortunately it’s not as easy for me and the kids-so my question is- has anyone had experience with golden grandchild? Because as much as I’m trying not to let it happen, she just doesn’t give a duck about my other kids now the youngest is perfect age for her to fawn over! It’s so difficult to explain to children but they know she’s not ok, they experience normal grand parenting with my mother.

this is a tough one. I was the 'not favoured' grandchild and I knew what was going on. I can't really offer much advice but I suppose I wish someone had put some boundaries in place and distanced me from it. It is difficult though because my parent wasn't the golden child so not very much they could do really and my aunt who was the GC was sure as tit not going to do anything about it.

 

[Barbs89]

this is a tough one. I was the 'not favoured' grandchild and I knew what was going on. I can't really offer much advice but I suppose I wish someone had put some boundaries in place and distanced me from it. It is difficult though because my parent wasn't the golden child so not very much they could do really and my aunt who was the GC was sure as tit not going to do anything about it.

Thank you for your reply, as soon as I realised what was going on (having not grown up with narcs I was unaware of this behaviour!) I started to distance ourselves from her, but it’s difficult! We try to reassure the elder kids, who want to know why she is being like she is, that it’s her and not them!

 

[shadowcat5]

Thank you for your reply, as soon as I realised what was going on (having not grown up with narcs I was unaware of this behaviour!) I started to distance ourselves from her, but it’s difficult! We try to reassure the elder kids, who want to know why she is being like she is, that it’s her and not them!

Your poor kids. I can't understand why anyone would want to treat children that way!

What I would say though, maybe valid their opinions and feelings. I remember as a teenager discussing it and people (ETA: Adults) saying 'she loves you the same'/'don't be so rude' etc. I wish someone actually would have acknowledge it was going on. After she died my older cousin (not favoured either) and I sat and we discussed the blatant favouritism and it was really cathartic to know I wasn't crazy lol

 

[Snowjoke]

Why is it when your getting on ok, no contact they crop up into your life and try and cause upset of trouble

 

[Eeeww David!]

Why is it when your getting on ok, no contact they crop up into your life and try and cause upset of trouble

Are you ok?

 

[Snowjoke]

Are you ok?

Thank you for being so kind to ask! I was doing great no contact getting on with my life and being honest enjoying the no drama. It just seems when they see you getting on ok it’s like a radar for them to start getting at you again? Like why don’t you talk to us, visit us etc. when they know exactly why. I don’t even know how to describe it properly. They really don’t understand how much their behaviour effects those on the receiving end

 

[Eeeww David!]

Thank you for being so kind to ask! I was doing great no contact getting on with my life and being honest enjoying the no drama. It just seems when they see you getting on ok it’s like a radar for them to start getting at you again? Like why don’t you talk to us, visit us etc. when they know exactly why. I don’t even know how to describe it properly. They really don’t understand how much their behaviour effects those on the receiving end

Try to see it as a test. Think how far you’ve come by going no contact and how it’s made you feel. Easier sad than done but try not to respond.

 

[cosytoes]

Thank you for being so kind to ask! I was doing great no contact getting on with my life and being honest enjoying the no drama. It just seems when they see you getting on ok it’s like a radar for them to start getting at you again? Like why don’t you talk to us, visit us etc. when they know exactly why. I don’t even know how to describe it properly. They really don’t understand how much their behaviour effects those on the receiving end

I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this but by the very nature of narcs they don’t care whether their behaviour affects you. Because it’s always about them and what they can gain. I honestly think that their brains are wired differently to everyone else’s. They trample over everyone else’s feelings in order to make themselves feel good.

 

[Snowjoke]

Try to see it as a test. Think how far you’ve come by going no contact and how it’s made you feel. Easier sad than done but try not to respond.

I will definitely be saying this is a test to myself over and over the next few days lol thank you, that is a really good way of looking at it

I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this but by the very nature of narcs they don’t care whether their behaviour affects you. Because it’s always about them and what they can gain. I honestly think that their brains are wired differently to everyone else’s. They trample over everyone else’s feelings in order to make themselves feel good.

Thank you, That’s exactly it, they only think of themselves. They are always the ones that are hard done by

 

[shadowcat5]

I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this but by the very nature of narcs they don’t care whether their behaviour affects you. Because it’s always about them and what they can gain. I honestly think that their brains are wired differently to everyone else’s. They trample over everyone else’s feelings in order to make themselves feel good.

Preach this. They will steam roll over my own agency and boundaries in favour of their own. The worst bit in my experience is that they don't actually care, they just want to look like the most amazing person, martyr.

 

[rainbowlemon]

Preach this. They will steam roll over my own agency and boundaries in favour of their own. The worst bit in my experience is that they don't actually care, they just want to look like the most amazing person, martyr.

My father is like this. If he pays £20 for a small food shop, gives us money or buys an item like a laptop you will constantly be hearing about it on repeat for a while.

 

[cosytoes]

My father is like this. If he pays £20 for a small food shop, gives us money or buys an item like a laptop you will constantly be hearing about it on repeat for a while.

This is my mother to a T. Constantly buying tit that we don’t want or need then complaining to anyone who will listen how ungrateful we are .

Or offering with a wishy washy offer. My son and his girlfriend were saving for a house. Mum said to them “I’ll help you out “ but then we never heard another word. How would she help them? Was she offering £10k towards the deposit or was she just going to rock up on removal day and make tea? Needless to say my son didn’t ask her for help. But she’s told anyone who would listen that he was ungrateful and would have been able to afford a much nicer house if he’d taken her up on her offer . ( their home is perfectly lovely for a young couples starter home)

My poor small people are used to being dressed in ridiculous clothing that my mother has bought for them posing for a photo and then getting changed back into their Football kits .

But all this pandering to her ego has now stopped and the relief is immense.
PS we still have radio silence

 

[Good Egg]

As I’m getting older (and even with boundaries in place) I’m finding the whole thing exhausting. Situations like the death of the monarch brings all sorts of deep emotions rearing it’s head. Repressed grief (wasn’t allowed to attend or cry at grandparents death because the only one grieved is the narc) so I find myself sobbing uncontrollably at the news. You see normality- people supporting each other, families supporting each other. I feel painfully lonely even though deep down I’m not alone. Alone with dealing with a narcissist even though you can put boundaries in place it’s still there. Hugs to those who need one.

 

[shadowcat5]

As I’m getting older (and even with boundaries in place) I’m finding the whole thing exhausting. Situations like the death of the monarch brings all sorts of deep emotions rearing it’s head. Repressed grief (wasn’t allowed to attend or cry at grandparents death because the only one grieved is the narc) so I find myself sobbing uncontrollably at the news. You see normality- people supporting each other, families supporting each other. I feel painfully lonely even though deep down I’m not alone. Alone with dealing with a narcissist even though you can put boundaries in place it’s still there. Hugs to those who need one.

I feel this. I feel like I have spent my life and will spend the rest of life mourning the 'normal' family I didn't have.

 

[HitnMiss]

I've made a new thread here

Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

Creating a new thread. I've been lurking here for a while. I'm so sorry that we have ended up with parents like this. I've been disowned by my nm as I called the Golden child out after he transferred all her money into his account. Every last cent. And I'm the one that gets the blame? I'm...

tattle.life

 

[Thank(space)you]

Has anyone noticed that a lot of their conversations revolve around the same subjects? Anything outside of that gets shut down super quick or full on ignored

Often a variation of talking about themselves or their day or talking tit about other people. It is so tiring, I genuinely don't understand how they are able to have friends that supposedly like them and enjoy their company

My mum doesn't have any friends wonder why


The thing I hate is when memories of abuse from the past pop up unexpectedly. Don't wanna be thinking about childhood trauma when I'm hoovering, stupid brain!

 

[shadowcat5]

My mum doesn't have any friends wonder why


The thing I hate is when memories of abuse from the past pop up unexpectedly. Don't wanna be thinking about childhood trauma when I'm hoovering, stupid brain!

I get that too. Then I get angry and have an invisible argument

 

[Good Egg]

I get that too. Then I get angry and have an invisible argument

I get that too...
Sometimes I can be taken back to being five or six. I remember something from a trigger or a song or just a word and bam I’m back in time and like you say you end up with his internal dialogue going on...
Something similar happened today and I felt like that teenager being told what to do... no empathy or concern just do as you are told.

Inner child work I think it’s called. I now talk to that younger person like I should have been spoken too... at first I’d argue and fight it but I talk calmly now. It’s a hard concept to explain.

Also narcissists never have friends or family... the narc wonders why family don’t bother *i can’t even think WHY* but yeah even that makes me angry as I was left to deal with it all, nobody thought about me being left with a narc. That hurts...

It’s exhausting- also just to add I don’t talk to myself- it’s in my head so the thought pops up and I say in my head you were allowed to feel that way there is no shame in it rather than focus on the narc telling me I’m stupid and babyish if that makes any sense?