My friend who always has problems

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Lady_H

I have a friend who I’ve known for about 15 years. I am trying to work out what to do about our friendship.

We’ve had a very specific dynamic during our friendship which I have 100% helped to foster. She has problems, I am the “therapist”. Our conversations are 10% about me, 90% about her. This is a role I often develop in relationships and recently I’ve been looking at why this is. I am working on boundaries, understanding that I am a massive people-pleaser, and understanding how this role enables me to “hide” and actually prevents real intimacy. This has been a huge eye-opener.

Because of this I have recently hit a wall with our dynamic. I can no longer listen to a stream of problems and coach her through them. I just do not have one single second of that left in me. My life at the moment is also stressful, my work drains the empathy out of me and my son is going through teenage stuff. Usual life stuff! Outside of work I am just done with helping beyond immediate family. I want to develop myself!

She has just texted again asking if we can chat today. My question is what to do now. She is particularly vulnerable at the moment: single, pregnant, little money, unstable job situation, family estrangement. I care about her but simply cannot care for her in this particular way any more. I’m looking for suggestions and different perspectives on this. Thanks x
 
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Clickbait

Clickbait

Honestly, as you’ve recognised yourself you have helped to create this dynamic and I would imagine she has become somewhat dependent on you particularly given her current situation. Clearly you can’t just pull the plug - she’ll wonder what she’s done wrong and being pregnant she’ll be more emotional than normal.

I would just explain that you’ve realised you have been taking on too much with trying to support others and it’s got on top of you. That you want to remain to be friends and supportive but the help you can offer may need to change. If she asks how, just explain you need to limit the conversation length and nature, and ask if you can support her to find another outlet if she needs more formal therapy.
 
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FlipFlop0706

I’m a chronic people pleaser so I know how you feel. The question you have to ask yourself is do you still want this friendship? It appears very unbalanced with the only benefit in her favour. Just because she’s vulnerable doesn’t mean that she can upset your own emotional well-being. You have to do what is best for you as harsh as that sounds. Plus she is going to have to stand on her own two feet emotionally when she has a baby dependent on her.

If you do want to continue to be friends then I’d redirect the conversation when she brings up her emotional issues. “What do you think you should do?” and empower her to solve her own problems. I imagine she feels very alone and unsure of herself at the minute so might be over reliant on you as a means of support. Hopefully when she had the baby, you can direct her to mother and baby groups etc so she has a wider circle of support.

If that doesn’t work then I would limit the conversation as the above poster has said. I’d likely make a joke of it and say “Phew, I’ve had such a stressful day at work today, I’m so glad to chat to you about happier stuff” Redirect the conversation where possible so it’s not all doom and gloom. I feel for you as it’s a tricky situation to be in.
 
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ChubClubThug

ChubClubThug

Lady_H said:
I have a friend who I’ve known for about 15 years. I am trying to work out what to do about our friendship.

We’ve had a very specific dynamic during our friendship which I have 100% helped to foster. She has problems, I am the “therapist”. Our conversations are 10% about me, 90% about her. This is a role I often develop in relationships and recently I’ve been looking at why this is. I am working on boundaries, understanding that I am a massive people-pleaser, and understanding how this role enables me to “hide” and actually prevents real intimacy. This has been a huge eye-opener.

Because of this I have recently hit a wall with our dynamic. I can no longer listen to a stream of problems and coach her through them. I just do not have one single second of that left in me. My life at the moment is also stressful, my work drains the empathy out of me and my son is going through teenage stuff. Usual life stuff! Outside of work I am just done with helping beyond immediate family. I want to develop myself!

She has just texted again asking if we can chat today. My question is what to do now. She is particularly vulnerable at the moment: single, pregnant, little money, unstable job situation, family estrangement. I care about her but simply cannot care for her in this particular way any more. I’m looking for suggestions and different perspectives on this. Thanks x
Click to expand...
I've had a friend like this and from experience they will never change. As harsh as it sounds some people are just eternal victims, and do jack tit to change their lifestyle. I knew someone for 20 years and she treated me like her personal advisor, parent, carer, companion, cheerleader, protector, therapist etc. The list goes on.

Only for her to dump me for a new set of dysfunctional friends, then get angry when I stopped messaging her first. People like this are users, and can't understand why they end up getting called out on their crappy behaviour.

There was so much to this story I'd be here all night. But the bottom line is, years later she still hasn't changed at all. She's a user.

The real test is if they share the good with you, as well as a the bad and support YOU equally. If it's all one sided, it's just not worth the stress and it will drag you down in the end. That's probably why you've reached your limit, I know I got completely sick of hours of pep talk, for them only to continue to ruin their life in new ways. It's completely exhausting and you'll feel better without the drama in your life. No one can say you haven't tried, you've been there for her for 15 years. But it comes to a point when enough is enough.
 
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Rach88

Rach88

It sounds to me you've reached your limit (we all have limits even people pleasers do) and some point people need to take responsibility for their own lives and it sounds like they need to actually get some thearpy

That's my 2p and hope your, doing ok
 
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OnlyHereForTheLolz

OnlyHereForTheLolz

Lady_H said:
I have a friend who I’ve known for about 15 years. I am trying to work out what to do about our friendship.

We’ve had a very specific dynamic during our friendship which I have 100% helped to foster. She has problems, I am the “therapist”. Our conversations are 10% about me, 90% about her. This is a role I often develop in relationships and recently I’ve been looking at why this is. I am working on boundaries, understanding that I am a massive people-pleaser, and understanding how this role enables me to “hide” and actually prevents real intimacy. This has been a huge eye-opener.

Because of this I have recently hit a wall with our dynamic. I can no longer listen to a stream of problems and coach her through them. I just do not have one single second of that left in me. My life at the moment is also stressful, my work drains the empathy out of me and my son is going through teenage stuff. Usual life stuff! Outside of work I am just done with helping beyond immediate family. I want to develop myself!

She has just texted again asking if we can chat today. My question is what to do now. She is particularly vulnerable at the moment: single, pregnant, little money, unstable job situation, family estrangement. I care about her but simply cannot care for her in this particular way any more. I’m looking for suggestions and different perspectives on this. Thanks x
Click to expand...
I had a similar friendship. I was always emotionally propping up this friend. Although she was also a good friend to me.
However we “fell out” over something small. It took me weeks to get her to open up as I could feel something was off. We talked it out one afternoon and I was so shocked about how she felt and actually upset at what she was accusing me of.
We squashed it and left on good terms but after that I cut ties with her.
And do you know what?!? It was the BEST decision I ever made. I felt emotionally so much better. She litterally was an energy vampire and sucked me emotionally dry. Every time we met up I was so drained afterwards from her unloading on me. It really only became apparant once we stopped being friends.
Bless her though, during covid she reached out to me to apologise for how she treated me etc
 
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