My angry dad

[Orange Creme]

Hi I was really excited to see my dad today in his garden after he has been on lockdown all alone since March (my mum has passed away).

Unfortunately he spent the whole time ranting and raving about covid and how the government have handled it badly etc etc. Sniggering at people (me included) who take social distancing seriously.

Then he moved onto feminism which is when he really got my back up. He started spouting crap about how men are being positively discriminated against, how he would hate to see my son not be able to get a job because someone feels pressured to give a woman a job over him etc. when he was a manager he was set a target to have a larger percentage of women which he struggled to meet.

I was so angry and made my point of view very clear which he basically ignored.

He then went on to say some racist crap which I wont say here partly because I'm embarrassed of what he said and partly because I dont want to trigger anyone. Then started ranting and getting angry about travellers (random).

He spent about 4 hours ranting, drawing me into debates, talking over my opinions and in the end I said that I have stuff to do and left.

It left feeling so angry that I was shaking, exhausted and in tears. He had nothing nice to say at all NOTHING. It was not what I had expected. I'm now sat in my bed upset and going over and over what I could have said in retaliation.

I kept trying to change the subject to my car, weather, my husband, my house but he just turned it back to whatever he wanted to rant about. For context he has always been like this, to my mum, me, his family etc but today I found it confrontational , a bit aggressive and to be honest I'd rather not have these conversations with him but rather enjoy our time together.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting here on advice really, I suppose I spend a lot of time on tattle so I feel like I'm talking to friends and if anyone has any tips on how I can relax and calm down they would be most welcome.

I am receiving counselling at the moment so will be bringing it up in our session.

 

[JoeBloggs]

Get what ever you need to off your chest. I think for people on their own, especially the older generation have had time for subjects to stew and there is a lot on the media to anger people especially if it’s going round and round in theirs heads.

Maybe he just needed to get it out, if my husbands been a pain and I’ve had all day to stew I go on a big rant because it’s all that I’ve thought about all day.

I know it’s hard, but try to give him a bit of grace during this time it’s not easy and he’s doing it alone. Speaking to your councillor is a great idea.

 

[Curlywurly85]

No advice I’m afraid but I wanted you to know that you’re not alone. You’ve basically described my mother.
No one is allowed an opinion if it’s different to hers.
She starts sentences with “im not racist but” won’t have a bad word said against Boris Johnson or Nigel Farage and likes
Luckily she lives an hour away from me so before COVID I would see her and my dad once a month but still have to FaceTime once a week otherwise there is a row. I really don’t look forward to it and have to really prepare for it. I stay vanilla, don’t express my opinions and don’t rise to hers. Its hard work but I do it to keep the peace for my dad.
My brother fell out with her a few years ago and I really do envy him.
I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel and how draining it can be x

 

[AngryBird101]

Hi I was really excited to see my dad today in his garden after he has been on lockdown all alone since March (my mum has passed away).

Unfortunately he spent the whole time ranting and raving about covid and how the government have handled it badly etc etc. Sniggering at people (me included) who take social distancing seriously.

Then he moved onto feminism which is when he really got my back up. He started spouting crap about how men are being positively discriminated against, how he would hate to see my son not be able to get a job because someone feels pressured to give a woman a job over him etc. when he was a manager he was set a target to have a larger percentage of women which he struggled to meet.

I was so angry and made my point of view very clear which he basically ignored.

He then went on to say some racist crap which I wont say here partly because I'm embarrassed of what he said and partly because I dont want to trigger anyone. Then started ranting and getting angry about travellers (random).

He spent about 4 hours ranting, drawing me into debates, talking over my opinions and in the end I said that I have stuff to do and left.

It left feeling so angry that I was shaking, exhausted and in tears. He had nothing nice to say at all NOTHING. It was not what I had expected. I'm now sat in my bed upset and going over and over what I could have said in retaliation.

I kept trying to change the subject to my car, weather, my husband, my house but he just turned it back to whatever he wanted to rant about. For context he has always been like this, to my mum, me, his family etc but today I found it confrontational , a bit aggressive and to be honest I'd rather not have these conversations with him but rather enjoy our time together.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting here on advice really, I suppose I spend a lot of time on tattle so I feel like I'm talking to friends and if anyone has any tips on how I can relax and calm down they would be most welcome.

I am receiving counselling at the moment so will be bringing it up in our session.

That sounds awful, I hope your okay.

Do you think that lockdown has made him angry and that the fact he is on his own has made that anger worse due to him not being able to see people? I think lots of us are really angry and without wanting to go into Covid too much, then I don’t think social distancing is bad but I do think it’s getting beyond a joke how some places won’t be fully open until later in the year, schools went back yesterday yet my college won’t be open fully in September, it’s going a bit far and it can’t go on.

I honestly think your Dad is so angry and unfortunately, you got the brunt of it.

He may well be calmer by tomorrow, and you may be less shaken up so I would gather my thoughts, get a good nights sleep and then phone him tomorrow and tell him what you’ve just said here, he is entitled to his opinions of course but doesn’t need to be racist, or aggressive.

Sending hugs 🤍

 

[Onceinablue]

Has he been isolating or anything? Or not seen anyone since lock down? It could be sending him a bit stir crazy if so. The racist stuff is an absolute no go no matter what he’s been doing during lock down and should know better. Sorry it was so bad, do you have nice conversations usually?

 

[ginfluencer]

Wow, you have just described my parents. The same rants over and over again. Always so, so negative and incredibly draining. Personally to keep the peace I literally zone out when they are ranting. No point in arguing back as they will never change their minds.

 

[Orange Creme]

No advice I’m afraid but I wanted you to know that you’re not alone. You’ve basically described my mother.
No one is allowed an opinion if it’s different to hers.
She starts sentences with “im not racist but” won’t have a bad word said against Boris Johnson or Nigel Farage and likes
Luckily she lives an hour away from me so before COVID I would see her and my dad once a month but still have to FaceTime once a week otherwise there is a row. I really don’t look forward to it and have to really prepare for it. I stay vanilla, don’t express my opinions and don’t rise to hers. Its hard work but I do it to keep the peace for my dad.
My brother fell out with her a few years ago and I really do envy him.
I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel and how draining it can be x

Wow thanks so much for replying, as much as I hate to think you also have to mentally prepare for conversations it's extremely reassuring to know I'm not alone! I also have a brother who is (obviously being white british MALE) the most amazing child my dad ever had and he only sees him twice a year. I hope lockdown has given you some peace whilst you haven't had to visit. I

That sounds awful, I hope your okay.

Do you think that lockdown has made him angry and that the fact he is on his own has made that anger worse due to him not being able to see people? I think lots of us are really angry and without wanting to go into Covid too much, then I don’t think social distancing is bad but I do think it’s getting beyond a joke how some places won’t be fully open until later in the year, schools went back yesterday yet my college won’t be open fully in September, it’s going a bit far and it can’t go on.

I honestly think your Dad is so angry and unfortunately, you got the brunt of it.

He may well be calmer by tomorrow, and you may be less shaken up so I would gather my thoughts, get a good nights sleep and then phone him tomorrow and tell him what you’ve just said here, he is entitled to his opinions of course but doesn’t need to be racist, or aggressive.

Sending hugs 🤍

Yes lockdown has made him angry but so has about 60 billion other things . You're right though he was gets so angry xx

Has he been isolating or anything? Or not seen anyone since lock down? It could be sending him a bit stir crazy if so. The racist stuff is an absolute no go no matter what he’s been doing during lock down and should know better. Sorry it was so bad, do you have nice conversations usually?

He's just been staying at home but I know he's struggled as he's a very sociable man. I think before my mum died I didnt notice so much as she got the brunt if it. But although we do have nice conversations they are few and far between x

Wow, you have just described my parents. The same rants over and over again. Always so, so negative and incredibly draining. Personally to keep the peace I literally zone out when they are ranting. No point in arguing back as they will never change their minds.

Yeah I think I need to learn to zone out. I'm sorry you also receive this treatment - that makes three of us now! You're right it's so draining

Get what ever you need to off your chest. I think for people on their own, especially the older generation have had time for subjects to stew and there is a lot on the media to anger people especially if it’s going round and round in theirs heads.

Maybe he just needed to get it out, if my husbands been a pain and I’ve had all day to stew I go on a big rant because it’s all that I’ve thought about all day.

I know it’s hard, but try to give him a bit of grace during this time it’s not easy and he’s doing it alone. Speaking to your councillor is a great idea.

Yes I am trying to keep telling myself that he's done so well being alone all this time and I don't think I could have done it as well as he has. I do think he is obsessed with reading the news, winding himself up and ranting about whatever he's read and then ranting to me. I find it quite intimidating. My mum once told him it was intimidating and he said he might as well not talk anymore then

 

[Orange Creme]

Since I last posted I've decided I'm only going to see my dad with my husband present for the time being until I learn to smile and nod and let things go.

 

[Drea1984]

He sounds like my dad. For my own sanity I have very minimal contact now. X

 

[Orange Creme]

He sounds like my dad. For my own sanity I have very minimal contact now. X

Good idea! X

 

[Drea1984]

He has always been disinterested & selfish but since my mum died he is much much worse. I’ve really struggled to accept how he is, but I know I can’t change him. But I also know I don’t have to have him in my life x

 

[Orange Creme]

He has always been disinterested & selfish but since my mum died he is much much worse. I’ve really struggled to accept how he is, but I know I can’t change him. But I also know I don’t have to have him in my life x

Thats a shame it's true that we can't
change them. Does he ever ask to see you? X

 

[Drea1984]

No! Never texts or calls. It does hurt. He is completely wrapped up in himself so doubt I cross his mind much! My brother maintains he is a narcissist & i agree really x

 

[Orange Creme]

No! Never texts or calls. It does hurt. He is completely wrapped up in himself so doubt I cross his mind much! My brother maintains he is a narcissist & i agree really x

Yeah I can see why that hurts because it is like a rejection. Mine always wants to see me but when he does he just rants and aves and starts heated debates where he gets angry if I dare to disagree and I end up a quivering wreck.

 

[Raininvain]

It sounds like he has mental health problems, like depression or something? I think 4 hours in too long to listen to all that as well. Could you just go for a short spell like 30 mins to an hour with your husband? Surely he wouldn't carry on like that with someone else there as well? I'd tell your Dad as well that he needs to listen to you and stop being so argumentative and rude.

 

[Jelly Bean]

Can I ask when your Mum died?
When my dad died a few years ago my mother (in her 80s) became so different for a couple of years. Rude, unpleasant, judgemental, self-pitying. It was so strange. She upset my daughter terribly by shouting at her a couple of times and being very unkind. Telling her she had always been selfish (she isn't). It was her usual character times 1000.
Only recently has she said she thought she was depressed and grieving. I felt awfully sorry as she had tried to see her GP, but they said being bereaved after 60 years of marriage wasn't a reason to see the Dr and she gave up asking after that.
I spoke to a friend about this and they said their bereaved elderly parent was exactly the same. It wasn't like 'normal' grieving (whatever that is) but a different person.
I did hate visiting as she was completely self absorbed and quite unpleasant.
She is back to normal now - 4 years later.

 

[Koalalalala]

Ladies, you don’t have to put up with this. I finally found the courage to cut my horrible selfish father off 9 years ago and I haven’t looked back. The misplaced guilt you initially feel about being the one severing the tie, along with angst that maybe they will change is soon replaced by peace!

 

[Drea1984]

Koalalala- (I don’t know how to do the quote business) thats really good that you managed that & encouraging that you feel better x

 

[Orange Creme]

Can I ask when your Mum died?
When my dad died a few years ago my mother (in her 80s) became so different for a couple of years. Rude, unpleasant, judgemental, self-pitying. It was so strange. She upset my daughter terribly by shouting at her a couple of times and being very unkind. Telling her she had always been selfish (she isn't). It was her usual character times 1000.
Only recently has she said she thought she was depressed and grieving. I felt awfully sorry as she had tried to see her GP, but they said being bereaved after 60 years of marriage wasn't a reason to see the Dr and she gave up asking after that.
I spoke to a friend about this and they said their bereaved elderly parent was exactly the same. It wasn't like 'normal' grieving (whatever that is) but a different person.
I did hate visiting as she was completely self absorbed and quite unpleasant.
She is back to normal now - 4 years later.

She died of cancer 4 years ago. He was like this anyway but my mum was always there taking the brunt of it. He has met someone else now who. Sorry for your mum though it's a shame she didnt get the help she needed.

 

[Koalalalala]

Koalalala- (I don’t know how to do the quote business) thats really good that you managed that & encouraging that you feel better x

thank you! I’ve read what you’ve put and the disinterest part struck a chord with me. It really is damaging and you wonder why and blame yourself for your dad not loving you or caring like other peoples. I did minimal contact for years, would build myself up before a visit and he would always let me down in one way or another- this developed from just not turning up as a child to offloading all of his problems on me as a young adult (on top of rude comments about my amazing mum, horrible girlfriends, never being invited to his home, committing fraud in my name) on the few times I saw him, despite never being interested in me or my life/ wellbeing. Honestly writing it down now makes me angry at myself I didn’t cut him off years before.
i really hope you can do the same soon I know it’s not easy dealing with this, I Actually think it’s harder as an adult as well, I know I would never treat my own children like this whereas the naivety I had as a child that would make excuses for him has well and truly worn off and it hurts that they won’t ever changeXx