My 4 and 9 year old wont join any clubs!

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Hi,

Needing some advice or at least someone to talk to.

I have a 9 year old daughter and a just gone 4 year old daughter they have both been taken to karate and dance class and non of them would get involved. The eldest ran off crying at karate when she was 8, and my 4 year old just stood there while all the other children joined in. I know it would probably be nerve racking to be in a different setting and surrounded by strangers but they didn't even try to get involved. Has anyone experienced this?. The dance class I took my 4 year old to ended up bringing her out of the class after just 18 minutes of her standing there, tbh I don't think this is enough time for someone to get used to a setting and on the description of the class it said that the class would build confidence! Plus it was for children under 6 so wasn't a serious class, I wont be going back there nor would I reccomend the studio to anyone but I felt a little embarrassed. How can I get my kids to overcome this?
Thanks
 
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Could they have mild Autism? This would mean putting them in a strange situation would be very very stressful and over whelming for them. Could it be that they just feel they have enough on with school life and a happy home life that they just want to relax and play at home. Would going to a activity with a friend help sometimes itcgives them confidence having a peer with them.
 
Hi,

Needing some advice or at least someone to talk to.

I have a 9 year old daughter and a just gone 4 year old daughter they have both been taken to karate and dance class and non of them would get involved. The eldest ran off crying at karate when she was 8, and my 4 year old just stood there while all the other children joined in. I know it would probably be nerve racking to be in a different setting and surrounded by strangers but they didn't even try to get involved. Has anyone experienced this?. The dance class I took my 4 year old to ended up bringing her out of the class after just 18 minutes of her standing there, tbh I don't think this is enough time for someone to get used to a setting and on the description of the class it said that the class would build confidence! Plus it was for children under 6 so wasn't a serious class, I wont be going back there nor would I reccomend the studio to anyone but I felt a little embarrassed. How can I get my kids to overcome this?
Thanks
My eldest and youngest were both like that, and I was when I was little too. Some kids are just better mixers than others. Both of mine came out of their shells as they got older though.

What might help is sending them to something one of their friends already goes to. A familiar face could make all the difference. But if not I wouldn’t push it
 
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Are you in the actual class watching? Our children's club stopped allowing parents to watch and we found a massive difference when it came to joining in etc.
 
Whatever you do, don't force them. I am socially shy and my parents tried to force me to join various groups at different points in my childhood when I didn't want to. They were all my idea of hell. I was much happier playing at home Forcing me to go caused resentment and I can still remember those negative feelings as an adult. Let them express an interest, follow their lead.
 
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Bribe them,
One tap one tootsie roll.
?
You do what you gotta do. Carrot and stick method, oh or just threaten them with sticks... or carrots.
DANCE KIDS...DANCE ?

Joke! My only advice, start small, play dates with friends, get them involved in classes with some of their friends already in the classes or joining at the same time, the fear of starting something new can be overwhelming.
Ask can they go and watch before taking part, 4 is young, did she do groups as a baby and toddler?
It can be hard but give it time,
is your eldest involved in school activities or after school activities?
Maybe try taking them to soft play/trampoline park (age appropriate) and chuck them into more things that are out of their comfort zone.
This time 6/12 months they could actually want to take part but also.
Would you consider getting them involved in a different kind of activity? Like music or rainbows or brownies.
Something less full on and active.
My advice would be, stick them in front of the tv and head out dancing on the weekend in their honour ? JOKE!!!!
 
Bribe them,
One tap one tootsie roll.
?
You do what you gotta do. Carrot and stick method, oh or just threaten them with sticks... or carrots.
DANCE KIDS...DANCE ?

Joke! My only advice, start small, play dates with friends, get them involved in classes with some of their friends already in the classes or joining at the same time, the fear of starting something new can be overwhelming.
Ask can they go and watch before taking part, 4 is young, did she do groups as a baby and toddler?
It can be hard but give it time,
is your eldest involved in school activities or after school activities?
Maybe try taking them to soft play/trampoline park (age appropriate) and chuck them into more things that are out of their comfort zone.
This time 6/12 months they could actually want to take part but also.
Would you consider getting them involved in a different kind of activity? Like music or rainbows or brownies.
Something less full on and active.
My advice would be, stick them in front of the tv and head out dancing on the weekend in their honour ? JOKE!!!!
Haha this is just soo funny.

We have always since them being babies have taken them to playgym, trampolene parks parks, egg u name it we have probably done it. My eldest likes after school activities example she requested to start basketball out of school with school so this coming Monday she starts, she also did dogeball last term but anything like dancing or karate or anything we suggest is a NO I DONT WANT TO followed by an excuse so I dunno. Lime people have suggested as long as they are happy I don't force them I just found it unusually strange
 
Whatever you do, don't force them. I am socially shy and my parents tried to force me to join various groups at different points in my childhood when I didn't want to. They were all my idea of hell. I was much happier playing at home Forcing me to go caused resentment and I can still remember those negative feelings as an adult. Let them express an interest, follow their lead.
Thanks for that I will let them decide and like u said follow their lead, I just though it was strange as non of my children want to do anything apart from my eldest with school she's starting basketball after school club on Monday but I feel if we had said would u like to go to basketball she would have probably said no.
 
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Haha this is just soo funny.

We have always since them being babies have taken them to playgym, trampolene parks parks, egg u name it we have probably done it. My eldest likes after school activities example she requested to start basketball out of school with school so this coming Monday she starts, she also did dogeball last term but anything like dancing or karate or anything we suggest is a NO I DONT WANT TO followed by an excuse so I dunno. Lime people have suggested as long as they are happy I don't force them I just found it unusually strange
It could just be nerves then. Maybe because they don't already know how to do it and others at the club might be more experienced than them? Maybe you could just ask them which clubs they'd like to attend and stick with those (like the basketball). Or if they seem quite shy then maybe try clubs that are quieter, like art or book clubs?
 
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Are you in the actual class watching? Our children's club stopped allowing parents to watch and we found a massive difference when it came to joining in etc.
Well I'm glad I stayed for the dance class on Monday because they practically chucked her out after 18 mins so God knows what they would have done if I wasn't there. I'm just going to leave it for now but thanks for the advice, I suppose I just feel a little embarrassed when we do try with them ?
 
Haha this is just soo funny.

We have always since them being babies have taken them to playgym, trampolene parks parks, egg u name it we have probably done it. My eldest likes after school activities example she requested to start basketball out of school with school so this coming Monday she starts, she also did dogeball last term but anything like dancing or karate or anything we suggest is a NO I DONT WANT TO followed by an excuse so I dunno. Lime people have suggested as long as they are happy I don't force them I just found it unusually strange

Controversial reply....no hate or judgment intended.
Just because you want them to do it doesn’t mean they want to do it ?
So she’s choosing activities she enjoys and getting involved in what she wants to?
I like this girl ?
I hope your youngest does the same and marches to the beat of her own drum.. or becomes a drumming karate kid ??‍♀
4 is very young to attend a class like that alone without a parent or friend, give her time.
 
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Could they have mild Autism? This would mean putting them in a strange situation would be very very stressful and over whelming for them. Could it be that they just feel they have enough on with school life and a happy home life that they just want to relax and play at home. Would going to a activity with a friend help sometimes itcgives them confidence having a peer with them.
I had questioned my eldest with ausmtism but the spectrum is that big after researching as much as possible myself and then speaking to a GP what I was saying just sounded like my eldest was shy and lacking in confidence rather than being autistic. My children are both really good at making friends together but also on their own, and this is 1 of the main traits of an autistic child so I don't think there autistic. I really lack in confidence even though I try not to show this in front of my children it must have rubbed off in some ways without me realising. So maybe this is just the case I don't know I'm just going to chill out with the whole clubs and just see if anything takes their interest the older they get. Thanks tho
 
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Controversial reply....no hate or judgment intended.
Just because you want them to do it doesn’t mean they want to do it ?
So she’s choosing activities she enjoys and getting involved in what she wants to?
I like this girl ?
I hope your youngest does the same and marches to the beat of her own drum.. or becomes a drumming karate kid ??‍♀
4 is very young to attend a class like that alone without a parent or friend, give her time.
No hate what so ever lol it was actually my 4 year old that dances all the time at home literally all the time, n I saw something init, it wasnt just yr normal 4 year old jumping up and down to a beat but there was a rythem there when she moved so we asked her and she said yes, she was extremely excited but then bang we went and nothing lol. That's why I was confused because it's actually something she wanted to do.
 
We have a wonderful young teenage daughter. She surprised us by wanting to go to a martial arts class. It came right out the blue. She did and she loves it. Her other passion is baking. Her cakes are well received and she gets requests for things like coffee mornings/ Macmillan etc. She asked us if she could go to a small course to do with cake decoration - how could we refuse
Both of these she decided upon herself.
Children will often find their own way when you least expect it
 
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I started going to dance classes when I was 2 and I absolutely loved it, however my mum tried the same with my baby sister and she froze. Actually flat out froze to the spot. Is there any sort of taster sessions where they do a little bit of everything? Or maybe even a music lesson - that can do massive amounts for confidence too.
 
Do they have to go? Mine are 9 & 6 and don’t do any classes. They just don’t want to. I wouldn’t think to force them to be honest. It’s less hassle for me too 😂 I offer but they’re not interested.
 
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Whatever you do, don’t stick around! I know it sounds harsh but I was exactly the same as a child. My dad took me and my sister to a kick boxing class once and we refused to join in. He made an excuse to leave saying the electric key had ran out and that he’d pop home to top it up then grab us on the way back. I’d say he was gone for no longer than 5 minutes before we then began joining in and enjoyed it.
I attended a dance school every Saturday when I was younger that don’t allow parents to sit in and i honestly don’t think I’d ever have joined in if my parents were watching- but I loved it!!! I stayed for about 12 years! At the end of every term parents were allowed in to watch the class and see what we’d been up to but I didn’t even like my mum coming in then, it just made me all nervous and awkward but I have no idea why!!
 
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My eldest wouldn't go to any clubs. She tried loads but just didn't want to go. There's no autism concerns, or any worries, she just doesn't like organised activities. I was the same. My middle child loves them but she's a social butterfly
 
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It really bugs me when people immediately go with the 'have you thought it might be autism?' 🥴. Why is there such a desire to medicalise normal reactions and emotions?

Far more likely is that they just not bothered going to crappy clubs, and they simply have no interest dance and karate. I would've done exactly the same thing. I hated guitar and refused to go to any of the kids clubs on holiday. I'm not autistic I just didn't want to be in a group of other people I didn't know, doing something I didn't want to do.

I was sociable at home, work and school but even now I would rather stay at home/do my own thing than be with others (like when my neighbour persuaded me to join her flamenco class 😭).

I took my 3 boys to a free karate trial. All 3 hated it, and the youngest cried for the duration. Never went again but at least it didn't cost me anything. Most places offer free first sessions, maybe look around to see what you can find if you're still wanting them to do something. But don't be disheartened if they don't. It's a completely normal reaction.
 
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