Maybe cheating? I'm really lost

[Colin]

A bit of background, about a year ago I introduced my partner to one of my girlfriends. She's very attractive and not long divorced. After the event he mentioned how nice she is and that he would be interested in learning more about the work she does (they're in a similar area) I never thought much more of it. Then before Xmas I found they had been messaging, I'd looked at his phone for an innocent reason when he was sleeping. I also saw a very flirty draft message he hadn't sent. I confronted him about it, he said he was stupid and delusional but admitted an attraction. I was fuming but basically accepted his word that nothing had ever happened. I've not seen the friend since then as her work is very busy (we used to share a hobby). He brought her up in conversation (about his work) not so long ago and asked if I ever heard from her and I said no, he said it was a shame he had hoped they could collaborate workwise but he wished her well etc. I kind of hoped and thought that would be the last I'd have to think if this but no. Today he got a new phone and as he is tit at tech I had to help him set it up. Of course I see he recently sent her a message. The most recent was this week, I didn't even read it just saw the first line and that it was blueticked but not replied to. I borrowed his phone a few minutes later to put music on, but not really trusting him now I looked again and he'd deleted the message.

Now I'm in a situation where I don't trust him for tit and he knows I've seen and I suspect him but we haven't spoken about it. I don't even care that much if he is cheating or wants to but I wish he would be honest.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Deleting tit is a red flag

But you said you dont even care if he is cheating.. do you even want to be with him, is all this worth it?

 

[Colin]

I don't know, it's very complicated, we've been together a really long time so it's hard to sort it all out.

 

[Okgolightly]

I think the lying and deleting of messages is definitely a red flag and removes any trust you may have had. Is your friend replying to him at all? I may have read your post wrong in parts but it sounds to me like he is repeatedly messaging her but getting no response which is also worrying and I'd class it as cheating as he's admitted to the attraction. Do you really not care that he cheats or do you think you might be trying to protect yourself in some way? It's a really awful situation to be in, I'm so sorry.

 

[Colin]

I don't know if she's replied...I can't sir and read his messages it's just not something I can or would do. I guess I could message her and ask.

We've been together a long time, I don't know how much we both really want to be anymore. I'd be upset if he were cheating but I think it's more the lying and deception rather than the physical if that makes sense? We are supposed to be moving countries together in two months and I'm feeling really sick and worried about doing it with him again.

 

[Okgolightly]

I completely understand what you mean about the deception. I suppose given what you've said about your feelings and reluctance to move to another country...this could be a time for you to make a clean break? Difficult when you've been together for a long time but not impossible if it's what you want.

 

[ScrambledEggs]

I think you really need to think about the big move . Moving countries together can be very exciting but also very daunting. Will you have a close circle around you if anything were to go wrong? If you're having any doubts follow your head & call it a day . It may be best for both of you .

 

[candyland_]

I doubt anything has happened between them unless there’s more we don’t know but he’s clearly very interested in her so that would probably be enough for me to be thinking about ending things. You should be enough.

 

[Kim Mild]

Maybe he is also having second thoughts about things and hopes you will dump him . Maybe he wanted you to see the draft message. .

 

[Colin]

I guess I need to speak to him properly. I doubt he will tell me the truth though, just lies or bullshit.

We've moved countries twice before, I don't really have a circle of friends as such as we move so much with work. I can't back out of the move now though, I'm contracted. I can ask him to try to get work elsewhere and hope for the best. Hard as because we are married we both accepted contracts at the same place. Urgh.

 

[Games345]

What was the flirty message that you found in his drafts?

I would want to hear her side of the story too. She may be able to shed some more light.

In all honesty it doesn't sound like you can trust him and it sounds like you're with him out of habit rather than genuinely loving him. And I mean that in the most caring way.

 

[gummy-bear]

What was the flirty message that you found in his drafts?

I would want to hear her side of the story too. She may be able to shed some more light.

In all honesty it doesn't sound like you can trust him and it sounds like you're with him out of habit rather than genuinely loving him. And I mean that in the most caring way.

Agree with this. Can you reach out to her and see what is going on?
Personally I wouldn’t be standing for it. He’s been caught out once, has admitted an attraction, knows it hurts you and is continuing to message her. Regardless of whether he’s physically cheated or not, it’s shady behaviour and isn’t something I’d expect from a respectful loving relationship.