Marriage/relationships after children

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Together for 10 years. Married for 5 . I've just watched a romcom and wish I still had those same feelings.

Is it normal to not feel as in love with your husband/partner or is that a bad sign?

Kids change things right? The pressure. The exhaustion. The no alone time. The lack of sex and intomacy. The weight gain and physical appearance change... I doubt many couple look and feel the same as those first few 'honeymoon period' months together....
 
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We've been together 10 years, married 7 and have two children together, one of which has complex health problems.
I love my husband without a shadow of doubt but it's not the "I want to f*xk you right now" love it very much is like a best friend I live with and parent with if that makes sense?!
 
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Love/relationships are ever evolving. As time goes on of course things shift and you move from the initial stage of lust/wanting to bang your partner twice a day every day. It’s normal.
It’s hard after kids - like you say, children are all consuming and they take up a large proportion of time & energy. You change as people and naturally so does the relationship- it’s how it goes.
 
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Been together 9 years, two kids. It has been one hell of a rollercoaster. Differing sex drives, one feeling pressured, one feeling rejected, then back to passion and back again. Changes in careers, incomes, roles & expectations. Family drama. Parenting styles.. It has been so tough, but we havent lost that drive to keep working at things. Thank god!
 
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Together for 10 years. Married for 5 . I've just watched a romcom and wish I still had those same feelings.

Is it normal to not feel as in love with your husband/partner or is that a bad sign?

Kids change things right? The pressure. The exhaustion. The no alone time. The lack of sex and intomacy. The weight gain and physical appearance change... I doubt many couple look and feel the same as those first few 'honeymoon period' months together....
I read an interesting article about this. The incredible passionate intoxicating feelings you have at the beginning - the 'I need to be with this person at all costs' feelings are a basic biological function to ensure you get with your chosen mate and hopefully reproduce, or be with a life companion. Those feelings will naturally change into a different love - a secure and calmer phase where you concentrate on your children and your home and the rest of your life - the beginning exciting bit was a stepping stone purposely designed to get you to the next, more important bit. There is no way normal life could carry on at that intensity.
So it is entirely normal. Just because the exciting bit films concentrate on has passed doesn't mean you are with the wrong person.
I think a lot of people keep searching for that 'in love' phase when times get tough with their present partners, because when it fades they think it signifies they are with the wrong person, but it just is not biologically designed to last. It morphs into something else. A different but equally as important kind of love. Because those intense feelings have changed into something else is not a judgment on your relationship.
 
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Jelly Bean is spot on!I have been married for 32 years, together 36. Sometimes I miss the crazy “in love”times. We have been through a lot of ups and downs, nearly divorced once. I used to wonder often if he still loved me as he’s not the romantic type. a couple of years ago I got sepsis and nearly died. I no longer doubt he loves me now! We are so close we are almost like one person. Don’t get me wrong, we disagree, argue, get on each other’s nerves but we are a team. We have two kids, one still at home. 32 years has gone really fast but I’m so proud we stayed together. And grateful we managed it.
 
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I read an interesting article about this. The incredible passionate intoxicating feelings you have at the beginning - the 'I need to be with this person at all costs' feelings are a basic biological function to ensure you get with your chosen mate and hopefully reproduce, or be with a life companion. Those feelings will naturally change into a different love - a secure and calmer phase where you concentrate on your children and your home and the rest of your life - the beginning exciting bit was a stepping stone purposely designed to get you to the next, more important bit. There is no way normal life could carry on at that intensity.
So it is entirely normal. Just because the exciting bit films concentrate on has passed doesn't mean you are with the wrong person.
I think a lot of people keep searching for that 'in love' phase when times get tough with their present partners, because when it fades they think it signifies they are with the wrong person, but it just is not biologically designed to last. It morphs into something else. A different but equally as important kind of love. Because those intense feelings have changed into something else is not a judgment on your relationship.
This is spot on! This is also the reason I always say that love is a choice. Not at first, but ultimately once you’ve passed the “honeymoon phase”, you choose to stick it out despite difficult times, times when they annoy or disappoint you. It might not be as “exciting” as it first was - not all the time anyway. But as Jelly Bean said, in my experience it becomes a different type of love.
 
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This is spot on! This is also the reason I always say that love is a choice. Not at first, but ultimately once you’ve passed the “honeymoon phase”, you choose to stick it out despite difficult times, times when they annoy or disappoint you. It might not be as “exciting” as it first was - not all the time anyway. But as Jelly Bean said, in my experience it becomes a different type of love.
agree with this! We’ve been married 3 1/2, together for 10. one child together.

We get on quite well, though since having a baby things have gotten harder. harder in the sense that we have to be mindful to work on having time together, and giving each other space and not letting emotion such as lack of sleep or the like get in the way.

I fully see him as my best friend, and it’s a kind of love I can’t really describe, like a hard wearing love, one that I don’t really ever think about, like it’s company and a safe place if that makes sense?
 
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agree with this! We’ve been married 3 1/2, together for 10. one child together.

We get on quite well, though since having a baby things have gotten harder. harder in the sense that we have to be mindful to work on having time together, and giving each other space and not letting emotion such as lack of sleep or the like get in the way.

I fully see him as my best friend, and it’s a kind of love I can’t really describe, like a hard wearing love, one that I don’t really ever think about, like it’s company and a safe place if that makes sense?
Absolutely agree with having to make sure you have time for each other. We try & go out just by ourselves now & then (we have 2 children) but obviously recently that’s not been possible, so we try to make the most of evenings together. I agree it’s definitely harder since having children, but for me it makes me even more determined to work on things.

Totally understand what you say about your partner being your best friend, I’m the same. I know that no matter how much I might annoy him at times (not intentionally... 😂) he’s not going to go anywhere. I can’t ever imagine someone else knowing me in the same way.
 
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Absolutely agree with having to make sure you have time for each other. We try & go out just by ourselves now & then (we have 2 children) but obviously recently that’s not been possible, so we try to make the most of evenings together. I agree it’s definitely harder since having children, but for me it makes me even more determined to work on things.

Totally understand what you say about your partner being your best friend, I’m the same. I know that no matter how much I might annoy him at times (not intentionally... 😂) he’s not going to go anywhere. I can’t ever imagine someone else knowing me in the same way.
it’s so hard to make time, even though it sounds so stupid. Once the toddler is in bed sometimes I just wanna crawl into bed and read or go workout to get my head straight so it’s finding that balance where you can have your own space but also time together too. I feel like it’s a constant work in progress, and I feel like it’s ok to realise marriage takes work. Complacency is when things start to get rocky!
 
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My relationship didn’t last but for us it wasn’t kids- it was what came with our kids. My oldest was sick for a year and his sister was born two months after he died. We shouldn’t have had another baby so soon. We shouldn’t have gotten pregnant while he was sick. It wasn’t planned, but having a baby so soon after is what killed it for us. That was 4 years ago. Took us 3 and a half years and another baby to realise. Well, it took him less time and he went to other women... which is when I realised.

It’s true that making time for each other is SO important. That’s one thing we never really did. We were so excited to be parents that our lives just revolves around them which is fine but we neglected our relationship completely. From when our oldest was born. We had the excuse for it when he was sick, because obviously he was everything then, but even before then we messed up.
 
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My relationship didn’t last but for us it wasn’t kids- it was what came with our kids. My oldest was sick for a year and his sister was born two months after he died. We shouldn’t have had another baby so soon. We shouldn’t have gotten pregnant while he was sick. It wasn’t planned, but having a baby so soon after is what killed it for us. That was 4 years ago. Took us 3 and a half years and another baby to realise. Well, it took him less time and he went to other women... which is when I realised.

It’s true that making time for each other is SO important. That’s one thing we never really did. We were so excited to be parents that our lives just revolves around them which is fine but we neglected our relationship completely. From when our oldest was born. We had the excuse for it when he was sick, because obviously he was everything then, but even before then we messed up.
I can’t even fathom what an incredibly hard time you must have gone through both together and alone at the same part. ❤

I do agree that parenting is honestly something you cannot comprehend how much it changes everything in your relationship. I feel like actually in this day an age that social media is such a bloody burden too. I can see why the likes of my grandparents had a slightly easier time when they were my age!
 
This is spot on! This is also the reason I always say that love is a choice. Not at first, but ultimately once you’ve passed the “honeymoon phase”, you choose to stick it out despite difficult times, times when they annoy or disappoint you. It might not be as “exciting” as it first was - not all the time anyway. But as Jelly Bean said, in my experience it becomes a different type of love.
Fully agree with you and jelly bean. Weve been together nearly 10 years and I no longer want to jump his bones at every opportunity but I still love him, just in a different way. I absolutely couldnt be without him at all, I just couldnt imagine living with, being in a relationship, even sleeping with anyone else. It's still love, it's just love with less hormones I think.
 
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This is spot on! This is also the reason I always say that love is a choice. Not at first, but ultimately once you’ve passed the “honeymoon phase”, you choose to stick it out despite difficult times, times when they annoy or disappoint you.
Exactly and that is why you can 'fall in love' with more than one person. That is the easy bit - it is what you chose to do, and who you chose to do it with after that counts. When I was younger sometimes after that honeymoon feeling went there wasn't much left with some boyfriends.
 
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I feel like if you want to jump someone’s bones aaaaalll the time then it’s mostly lust and not love anyway, and that always fizzles out!
 
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I feel what you guys are saying except we don't have kids.. We're together over 5 years but I started feeling like this within 1.5 years, is that bad? 😬 Everyone talks about this stage kicking in after kids or after years and years of being with each other but no one talks about it happening so soon 😬
 
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I feel what you guys are saying except we don't have kids.. We're together over 5 years but I started feeling like this within 1.5 years, is that bad? 😬 Everyone talks about this stage kicking in after kids or after years and years of being with each other but no one talks about it happening so soon 😬
I don’t think the length of the “honeymoon period” matters tbh, it’ll vary for everyone. We had kids after about 3 years but I think that period was pretty much over before we had our first. We still love each other, way more than during that period, but we just have to make more of a conscious effort. I think it’s pretty normal!
 
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I don’t think the length of the “honeymoon period” matters tbh, it’ll vary for everyone. We had kids after about 3 years but I think that period was pretty much over before we had our first. We still love each other, way more than during that period, but we just have to make more of a conscious effort. I think it’s pretty normal!
Thanks for that! It used to be something I was extremely insecure about, I nearly ended things because I though it wasn't normal but so glad I stuck through as he's one of the good ones! And I do feel that different kind of love for him
 
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Thanks for that! It used to be something I was extremely insecure about, I nearly ended things because I though it wasn't normal but so glad I stuck through as he's one of the good ones! And I do feel that different kind of love for him
Good on you for following your gut! I really do think it’s normal, tbh I prefer this stage than the honeymoon period. I feel so much more comfortable, I don’t feel like I have to prove myself or impress anyone.

I think it’s so easy to compare your relationship to other relationships, especially when it comes to social media. Me & my partner have never really been the typical “romantic” types, we never write soppy posts on Facebook, but he’s thoughtful & loving in other ways. I read an interesting blog/article a while back about how couples who post their relationship constantly on social media are the ones who are more likely to be unhappy/unsure/seeking validation. Since reading it, I no longer compare my relationship to others - not just on social media but in general.
 
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