Marriage/relationships after children

[Redwine]

I feel what you guys are saying except we don't have kids.. We're together over 5 years but I started feeling like this within 1.5 years, is that bad? Everyone talks about this stage kicking in after kids or after years and years of being with each other but no one talks about it happening so soon

I dont necessarily think it's bad but things get a million times hard when you have kids. It also doesn't help that we are locked down with our respective partners right now and even the smallest things are insanely annoying!!

 

[FakeSmile]

Been together 12 years, married for 4. Everything was great until we had our first son and then lack of sleep and time made my husbands depression come to the forefront and there was cheating and a whole lot of ‘checking out’ on his part. I had got pregnant again (not planned) just before things got really bad and we’ve spent the last year trying to get things back together. He went to the doctors and sought help as a condition of me staying in the marriage. It’s been really REALLY tough and I’d give anything to go back to those earlier ‘in love’ days where we were so carefree.

 

[KateESJ]

I can’t even fathom what an incredibly hard time you must have gone through both together and alone at the same part.

I do agree that parenting is honestly something you cannot comprehend how much it changes everything in your relationship. I feel like actually in this day an age that social media is such a bloody burden too. I can see why the likes of my grandparents had a slightly easier time when they were my age!

It was hard. I'm in contact with a few other Mums who have kids with cancer and/or have lost children and out of our little 'group' over half of us have had a relationship end. It's a lot of stress on anyone and it just effects everything. Aspects of life that you wouldn't think it would effect. I wish we'd lasted together as we're the only people who truly understand how the other feels but he didn't want couples therapy and made no effort to fix it so it was clear to me that his heart wasn't in it anymore. I wish I'd done it sooner, now.

It is so true though that you don't know how having children will effect your relationship until it does.

 

[Abcd123]

I read an interesting article about this. The incredible passionate intoxicating feelings you have at the beginning - the 'I need to be with this person at all costs' feelings are a basic biological function to ensure you get with your chosen mate and hopefully reproduce, or be with a life companion. Those feelings will naturally change into a different love - a secure and calmer phase where you concentrate on your children and your home and the rest of your life - the beginning exciting bit was a stepping stone purposely designed to get you to the next, more important bit. There is no way normal life could carry on at that intensity.
So it is entirely normal. Just because the exciting bit films concentrate on has passed doesn't mean you are with the wrong person.
I think a lot of people keep searching for that 'in love' phase when times get tough with their present partners, because when it fades they think it signifies they are with the wrong person, but it just is not biologically designed to last. It morphs into something else. A different but equally as important kind of love. Because those intense feelings have changed into something else is not a judgment on your relationship.

Wow this is amazing... We've been having a real laugh the past few days. I even said to him 'nobody makes me laugh the way you do, this is why I married you'.

Jelly Bean is spot on!I have been married for 32 years, together 36. Sometimes I miss the crazy “in love”times. We have been through a lot of ups and downs, nearly divorced once. I used to wonder often if he still loved me as he’s not the romantic type. a couple of years ago I got sepsis and nearly died. I no longer doubt he loves me now! We are so close we are almost like one person. Don’t get me wrong, we disagree, argue, get on each other’s nerves but we are a team. We have two kids, one still at home. 32 years has gone really fast but I’m so proud we stayed together. And grateful we managed it.

This is so beautiful. Thanks for sharing xx

 

[jewelkitty]

I started reading The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm and think this passage is so relevant to this thread!

For me it backs up the idea that 'falling in love' isn't a choice and is only temporary, but real, lasting love is a choice.