Marriage breakdown trying to be amicable

[sistersofpercy]

Interesting that I’ve come across this now…. I told my husband last night I didn’t want to carry on. 32 years together.
I had a son of 9 months when we met and looking back I fully married him because he was a safe bet to take care of us. I realise this sounds bloody horrible, and I do love him but he’s not the great love of my life.

The kids flew the nest, we moved to separate bedrooms as he snored and somewhere along the line we became two people who interacted and loved each other but with no passion. My best friend died very suddenly in December and I think that was the catalyst. She’d had a miserable relationship with her partner and then died young. I questioned a lot after that. Could I potentially stay another 30 years? I’m 51, I still have a lot of life left.

I feel bad, I have everything I ever wanted, nice house, handbags, clothes, I don’t need to work. But it’s not enough. He’s pretty convinced I think that I've met someone else. I haven’t.
I need to be me now.

 

[yeoooo]

I have came to the end of the road with my marriage. Nothing major has happened recently but it has been a series of small events over the past few years that has grounded me down to the point that i feel that i am constantly walking on eggshells and I’m just finding life is tough. It shouldn‘t be. My husband has horrible mood swings and won’t do anything about it. Every week, without fail, there is a night of not talking or going to bed early in a huff. His mum died last February and I totally get the grief cycle as I lost my parents when I was young but this is not a new thing, this has been going on for years but increasing in frequency. We have one daughter and Im beginning to see this impacting her. In my mind, life is too short to be unhappy.

That being said. Has anyone had experience of telling their parent that they want to separate where there hasn’t been infidentiality? Also, any tips about separating but remaining in the home for financial reasons until a more permanent solution is put in place?

i personally think that he will be a bit shocked but he is very full of himself. out of his friendship group, one friend has separated from his wife and another is someone who hasn’t settled down and is like jack the lad.

to be honest, I’ve said above no infidentility that i know of but he works away a lot and can be secretive with his phone. I recently found a sock in my washing which is a girls one that i know is not mine or my daughters but i haven’t confronted him as I want to accumulate more solid evidence. My daughter goes to a childminder so it could be something that has came into the house that way. I just want to ensure i get my ducks in a row

 

[HoGi]

My husband told me yesterday that he's done.

Neither of us have been happy for a while but I thought this was a bump we could get over.

I'm devastated and broken.

We have been together 18 years (half my life). I honestly don't know who I am without him which makes me feel pathetic and embarrassed.

I'm terrified.

He wants it to be amicable, no cheating as far as I am aware. Separate rooms for now while we sort out selling the house etc. Last night was the first night we havent shared a bed.

I just don't know what to do.

ETA I love my house, but won't be able to afford to buy him out, so I'm grieving that too. I'm also terrified for him. He is a massive introvert and I'm worried he will struggle alone. I care for him so much. It would be so much easier if there was a big thing I could get angry at him for but there isn't.

 

[Littleelf]

I'm not married but have been with my partner for 15 years, mortgage, 2 young children.

Honestly we are like two strangers living in the same house, no connection, not even really a freindship. He is so stubborn and stuck in his ways, unable to show any affection and has absolutely no appreciation for me and everything I do. To be really blunt he kind of repulses me at this point.

I'm completely miserable and have been for a long time. I wouldn't be able to afford to buy him out of the house, and with childcare ect would also probably not be able to afford a house of my own. So i feel totally stuck. I've had this conversation with him so many times and nothing changes. He won't leave, he says it's his house and if I want to go then I can. I feel like im wasting what should be the best years of my life, I'm only 33 i want to enjoy life with someone.

 

[Libbylulu]

Just found this thread. I’m struggling and have struggled for a long long time. I’ve been married for 27 years. This is my second marriage and I’m really scared of leaving. My husband has shown no interest in a long time and I’m so lonely and feel desperate. How did you leave?

 

[Lady Macbeth]

I kicked out my husband. I reached the point where I hated him.

 

[WhatABore]

I don't know what advice I can give but I ended my marriage almost 10 years ago.
We carried on living together for another 10 months.
I moved into the spare room.
However, we didn't have kids together so it made things a little easier.

I guess a lot depends on how he reacts too.
My ex said he "expected it" and he couldn't have been less bothered to be honest
Which just resssured me that I made the right decision!
There was no infidelity either.
It just didn't feel like a relationship. He wasn't interested at all.

 

[HoGi]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I agree it must be a scary feeling.

Do you think something like counselling could help? Mr Lolz and I have been together for 23 years and there has been a couple of bad patches but we both stuck around and worked through it. Do you think working together to improve things would help?

We tried counselling earlier in the year but didn't gel with the therapist. He isnt willing to try again.

Having had a few days to reflect now, I think it is the right decision despite how hard it is going to be.

My bestie asked me if I could live another 18 years like the last one and the answer is no. I think he has lost a lot/all respect for me, despite still saying he loves me, and I deserve better than that.

I will be ok, he probably won't and is saying some things that are giving me alarm bells for mental health. He is going to get some therapy to try and help that. I think it will be a big change for both of us, but I will support him to be a bit more stable before either of us move out.

When the time to move out comes, my mum has offered me her spare room, which might be less stressful than living with my sister and I will be able to save a chunk a month to add to any equity in the house.

It's sad and we are both devastated but I think it is the right thing to do.

 

[sistersofpercy]

I'm curious to know where you are today with all of this?
I wondered if you could stay with your husband and be happy. Finding yourself and maybe a bit more freedom from the marriage

I’m good. I’m free and I’m happy. I don’t regret my decision at all

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Interesting that I’ve come across this now…. I told my husband last night I didn’t want to carry on. 32 years together.
I had a son of 9 months when we met and looking back I fully married him because he was a safe bet to take care of us. I realise this sounds bloody horrible, and I do love him but he’s not the great love of my life.

The kids flew the nest, we moved to separate bedrooms as he snored and somewhere along the line we became two people who interacted and loved each other but with no passion. My best friend died very suddenly in December and I think that was the catalyst. She’d had a miserable relationship with her partner and then died young. I questioned a lot after that. Could I potentially stay another 30 years? I’m 51, I still have a lot of life left.

I feel bad, I have everything I ever wanted, nice house, handbags, clothes, I don’t need to work. But it’s not enough. He’s pretty convinced I think that I've met someone else. I haven’t.
I need to be me now.

I'm curious to know where you are today with all of this?
I wondered if you could stay with your husband and be happy. Finding yourself and maybe a bit more freedom from the marriage

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

My husband told me yesterday that he's done.

Neither of us have been happy for a while but I thought this was a bump we could get over.

I'm devastated and broken.

We have been together 18 years (half my life). I honestly don't know who I am without him which makes me feel pathetic and embarrassed.

I'm terrified.

He wants it to be amicable, no cheating as far as I am aware. Separate rooms for now while we sort out selling the house etc. Last night was the first night we havent shared a bed.

I just don't know what to do.

ETA I love my house, but won't be able to afford to buy him out, so I'm grieving that too. I'm also terrified for him. He is a massive introvert and I'm worried he will struggle alone. I care for him so much. It would be so much easier if there was a big thing I could get angry at him for but there isn't.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I agree it must be a scary feeling.

Do you think something like counselling could help? Mr Lolz and I have been together for 23 years and there has been a couple of bad patches but we both stuck around and worked through it. Do you think working together to improve things would help?

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

We tried counselling earlier in the year but didn't gel with the therapist. He isnt willing to try again.

Having had a few days to reflect now, I think it is the right decision despite how hard it is going to be.

My bestie asked me if I could live another 18 years like the last one and the answer is no. I think he has lost a lot/all respect for me, despite still saying he loves me, and I deserve better than that.

I will be ok, he probably won't and is saying some things that are giving me alarm bells for mental health. He is going to get some therapy to try and help that. I think it will be a big change for both of us, but I will support him to be a bit more stable before either of us move out.

When the time to move out comes, my mum has offered me her spare room, which might be less stressful than living with my sister and I will be able to save a chunk a month to add to any equity in the house.

It's sad and we are both devastated but I think it is the right thing to do.

As sad as it is, I’m happy for you that a decision is made and you are good with it.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I’m good. I’m free and I’m happy. I don’t regret my decision at all

So glad that was the right decision for you