Looking after parents

[Penelope Strawberry]

I know that a few of you Tattlers are carers for your elderly parents/family members with special needs. I was wondering whether any of you financially support your parents?

My mother was a housewife for the majority of her life. My parents had a nasty divorce and my father hid his assets so my mother ended up walking away penniless. She started working a minimum age job to make ends meet, but is now approaching her 70s and has started making comments about retiring.

My sister and I have never discussed her finances with her and how she will take care of herself in old age - I had just always assumed that would not be our burden to shoulder as neither of us have a good relationship with her. However, from recent comments that she has made, it's becoming clear that she thinks she will be able to move in with one of us when she stops working and that we'll take care of her financially.

Her assumption has left me furious - I don't have children but would never dream of expecting them to take care of me in my old age.

While I had a really dreadful childhood because of both of my parents, I don't exactly want my mother to be homeless either.

I was wondering whether anyone here helps their parents financially (or has refused to)? How do you manage it?

 

[Twintree]

I know that a few of you Tattlers are carers for your elderly parents/family members with special needs. I was wondering whether any of you financially support your parents?

My mother was a housewife for the majority of her life. My parents had a nasty divorce and my father hid his assets so my mother ended up walking away penniless. She started working a minimum age job to make ends meet, but is now approaching her 70s and has started making comments about retiring.

My sister and I have never discussed her finances with her and how she will take care of herself in old age - I had just always assumed that would not be our burden to shoulder as neither of us have a good relationship with her. However, from recent comments that she has made, it's becoming clear that she thinks she will be able to move in with one of us when she stops working and that we'll take care of her financially.

Her assumption has left me furious - I don't have children but would never dream of expecting them to take care of me in my old age.

While I had a really dreadful childhood because of both of my parents, I don't exactly want my mother to be homeless either.

I was wondering whether anyone here helps their parents financially (or has refused to)? How do you manage it?

This is a awful situation for all of you. I don't have personal experience but I would probably look to have her stay in her own home and then divide the care between yourself and your sister so that neither is solely responsible 24/7. You may be entitled to carers allowance for this and can try to request some help from the health care system in your country. Best of luck to you all x

 

[Penelope Strawberry]

This is a awful situation for all of you. I don't have personal experience but I would probably look to have her stay in her own home and then divide the care between yourself and your sister so that neither is solely responsible 24/7. You may be entitled to carers allowance for this and can try to request some help from the health care system in your country. Best of luck to you all x

Thanks so much for your reply!

She doesn't need a carer (yet) - it's more just needing someone to take care of her financially.

My husband and I have agreed that if she is unable to pay the bills to live on her own we will move heaven and earth to pay her rent if we have to. We don't think our marriage would survive her living with us! My sister and I fought so hard to get out of our family home (my sister moved out at 16!), the thought of my mother moving in with me and not being able to escape her makes me feel sick.

 

[Rlaw1978]

She can apply for pension credits, housing benefit, council tax benefit etc. I personally wouldn’t have an elderly relative living with me, I’ve seen it destroy too many relationships.

 

[Penelope Strawberry]

She can apply for pension credits, housing benefit, council tax benefit etc. I personally wouldn’t have an elderly relative living with me, I’ve seen it destroy too many relationships.

Thank you so much!

I'm not sure whether she'd be eligible for pension credits as she didn't pay NI or any sort of tax for most of her life (due to not working) but I must look into this!

 

[DCICassieStuart]

I had a horrible abusive (physically, mentally and emotionally) childhood because of my parents. I attempted to talk to my mother a few years ago about it and I was told that I was 'a liar' and 'that never happened'.
I haven't spoken to either of them since.

They didn't care about me when I was a child, so I certainly won't be looking after them.

Don't feel guilted into it or obligated to do anything @Penelope Strawberry. You don't owe her anything. Either financially or in terms of support.

 

[Sunshine&clouds]

I know that a few of you Tattlers are carers for your elderly parents/family members with special needs. I was wondering whether any of you financially support your parents?

My mother was a housewife for the majority of her life. My parents had a nasty divorce and my father hid his assets so my mother ended up walking away penniless. She started working a minimum age job to make ends meet, but is now approaching her 70s and has started making comments about retiring.

My sister and I have never discussed her finances with her and how she will take care of herself in old age - I had just always assumed that would not be our burden to shoulder as neither of us have a good relationship with her. However, from recent comments that she has made, it's becoming clear that she thinks she will be able to move in with one of us when she stops working and that we'll take care of her financially.

Her assumption has left me furious - I don't have children but would never dream of expecting them to take care of me in my old age.

While I had a really dreadful childhood because of both of my parents, I don't exactly want my mother to be homeless either.

I was wondering whether anyone here helps their parents financially (or has refused to)? How do you manage it?

Children are meant to be looked after by their parents, not the other way round. People can by choice, but there is no obligation. Assuming you're in the UK, there are benefits available to her if her financial situation is as perilous as you believe it to be. She will not be homeless, nor will she starve.

You and your sister have already had more than enough years of pain and upset from your parents. Your priorities need to be you. It sounds as though her living with either of you would be genuinely harmful. Your mum is an adult, not a child and she is not your responsibility. Citizens Advice will have plenty of information, as do Age UK and various other places.

Don't let her upset you over this. You've suffered enough. My relationship with my mum isn't great, to say the least. She's very good at triggering me in all sorts of ways. It's an ongoing battle to stop her breaking me, but I've got better over the years at shortening the time I am either really angry, really hurt or usually both. The slightest weakness in me and she's in like a shot. Don't lose sight of the fact that you have survived in spite of your parents. You did that. Keep strong. x

Money and legal advice for seniors | Age UK

Age UK money and legal hub covers a range of money-saving tips including how to claim benefits, advice on debts, helpful pension calculators and more. Read now.

www.ageuk.org.uk

Benefits and Entitlements

Each year, billions of pounds of benefits go unclaimed. You might be entitled to some financial support. Find out more here.

www.ageuk.org.uk

Benefits if you're over State Pension age - Social care and support guide

Find out what benefits you're entitled to if you're over State Pension age and have a disability or illness.

www.nhs.uk

 

[Penelope Strawberry]

I had a horrible abusive (physically, mentally and emotionally) childhood because of my parents. I attempted to talk to my mother a few years ago about it and I was told that I was 'a liar' and 'that never happened'.
I haven't spoken to either of them since.

They didn't care about me when I was a child, so I certainly won't be looking after them.

Don't feel guilted into it or obligated to do anything @Penelope Strawberry. You don't owe her anything. Either financially or in terms of support.

I've seen some of your posts on other threads - think we went through quite similar things! My sister and I have tried talking to her about some things, but she tries to gaslight us and when it doesn't work she gets aggressive and turns it around and insists that we're lying! My mother has borderline personality disorder and my father is a narcissist of note. I was able to easily cut him out, but it's a lot more complicated with her - she won't accept us going no contact and is a very skilled manipulator.

Perhaps this will be the final push that I do need to cut her out once and for all though!

Children are meant to be looked after by their parents, not the other way round. People can by choice, but there is no obligation. Assuming you're in the UK, there are benefits available to her if her financial situation is as perilous as you believe it to be. She will not be homeless, nor will she starve.

You and your sister have already had more than enough years of pain and upset from your parents. Your priorities need to be you. It sounds as though her living with either of you would be genuinely harmful. Your mum is an adult, not a child and she is not your responsibility. Citizens Advice will have plenty of information, as do Age UK and various other places.

Don't let her upset you over this. You've suffered enough. My relationship with my mum isn't great, to say the least. She's very good at triggering me in all sorts of ways. It's an ongoing battle to stop her breaking me, but I've got better over the years at shortening the time I am either really angry, really hurt or usually both. The slightest weakness in me and she's in like a shot. Don't lose sight of the fact that you have survived in spite of your parents. You did that. Keep strong. x

Money and legal advice for seniors | Age UK

Age UK money and legal hub covers a range of money-saving tips including how to claim benefits, advice on debts, helpful pension calculators and more. Read now.

www.ageuk.org.uk

Benefits and Entitlements

Each year, billions of pounds of benefits go unclaimed. You might be entitled to some financial support. Find out more here.

www.ageuk.org.uk

Benefits if you're over State Pension age - Social care and support guide

Find out what benefits you're entitled to if you're over State Pension age and have a disability or illness.

www.nhs.uk

Thank you so much for sharing the resources! I really appreciate the time you've taken and your kind words. I do hope that this thread might be of help to others in similar situations too!

It's so complicated with parents - no matter how awful they are, it's so difficult to turn your back on them. I'm sure that some of it is manipulation on my mother's part, but we're also so conditioned to think that we "owe" our parents for bringing us into the world which is so wrong!