Living with someone who is in constant pain

[veryfondoftea]

My husband was diagnosed with a condition almost 5 years ago that causes him daily pain. His consultant believes he can be pain free once the medication is sorted but that's still not happened so he's in lots of pain daily.

I feel for him and understand it must be so hard but my empathy for him is at an all time low. I've just reached a point where I have realised I'm getting absolutely nothing from him. No connection, intimacy, support, just nothing.

I know it's because he's constantly in pain but truthfully, those are things he's never been good at, so being in pain has just made them all worse. I get frustrated because there are things he could do to help with the pain like daily stretches and getting his prescription refilled and taking the medication regularly etc but he doesn't do those things.

I get he is suffering and in a bad place but I'm struggling too, to cope with his moods and to manage the household and our child and I work two jobs so lots of juggling. My mental workload is huge but none of this seems to matter to him, there's a sense of I just have to get on with things because he is suffering. My needs don't matter. I've tried to talk to him about this loads over the years but I can't see how things will improve.

I feel disappointed of us as a couple, we haven't pulled together, we've pushed apart and that makes me really sad but I don't know what else to do.

 

[Libs]

This must be a common theme with people in pain. A friend has severe pain, her husband is long suffering and to be honest it’s hard to remain friends with her. If you so much as mention you feel unwell or someone else has an ailment she jumps down your throat and tells you how badly off she is and what hell her life is. I feel for her but it gets tiring. The sympathy does run dry, and I’m not even living with her.

 

[veryfondoftea]

This must be a common theme with people in pain. A friend has severe pain, her husband is long suffering and to be honest it’s hard to remain friends with her. If you so much as mention you feel unwell or someone else has an ailment she jumps down your throat and tells you how badly off she is and what hell her life is. I feel for her but it gets tiring. The sympathy does run dry, and I’m not even living with her.

I can totally understand why that feels difficult to be around her. My husband isn't like that, and actually when we are around other people, you wouldn't know he was suffering at all. He hides it well. He doesn't talk about his pain at all really, when I try and speak to him and see how he is he just says there's no point in talking about it because nothing has changed.

 

[Libs]

I can totally understand why that feels difficult to be around her. My husband isn't like that, and actually when we are around other people, you wouldn't know he was suffering at all. He hides it well. He doesn't talk about his pain at all really, when I try and speak to him and see how he is he just says there's no point in talking about it because nothing has changed.

It’s still very difficult for you to live with, but equally it must be hell for him

 

[JillZarin]

So frustrating for you and awful for him. Tbh if he's not doing everything he is able to take responsibility for like stretching, refilling his prescription and taking medication regularly, then this just compounds things for you. Sounds like you just want him to help himself more, not a huge ask. Would he manage if you weren't around? Honestly for your own sake you should consider separating for a while, you can't give from an empty cup.

 

[justsatsuma]

It sounds like he needs a short sharp shock. Maybe a separation will make him realise one way or another that something needs to change, and from what you said I know this might be a pointless suggestion but therapy for him might be worth a go.

I am a chronic pain sufferer, but I refuse to be a victim. Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments, but my husband and I work through it together. I’m in pain whether I lay in bed or go out and do things, so I choose the latter option as long as we can put some modifications in place, the same goes for our love life. I don’t want him to suffer because of me, I hate seeing him feel helpless. I scheduled complaining/crying sessions so I can get it out of my system, and then I park it and just try to live as close to normal as I can. It’s really tough, but it’s also tough being in pain and being a victim.

Therapy helped me massively too, and I’d always been against it.

Everybody’s mental health situation is different, and medication is also brutal on this, but sometimes you need to be able to help yourself. Your husband sounds like a drain, and you only get one life. I’m all for in sickness and health, but there has to be give and take, even at my worst I’d like to think I’m not a drain on my husband or family!

 

[veryfondoftea]

It sounds like he needs a short sharp shock. Maybe a separation will make him realise one way or another that something needs to change, and from what you said I know this might be a pointless suggestion but therapy for him might be worth a go.

I am a chronic pain sufferer, but I refuse to be a victim. Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments, but my husband and I work through it together. I’m in pain whether I lay in bed or go out and do things, so I choose the latter option as long as we can put some modifications in place, the same goes for our love life. I don’t want him to suffer because of me, I hate seeing him feel helpless. I scheduled complaining/crying sessions so I can get it out of my system, and then I park it and just try to live as close to normal as I can. It’s really tough, but it’s also tough being in pain and being a victim.

Therapy helped me massively too, and I’d always been against it.

Everybody’s mental health situation is different, and medication is also brutal on this, but sometimes you need to be able to help yourself. Your husband sounds like a drain, and you only get one life. I’m all for in sickness and health, but there has to be give and take, even at my worst I’d like to think I’m not a drain on my husband or family!

Hi, thank you for sharing your experience as a chronic pain sufferer. It's really useful to hear it from your perspective. It's really hard to explain but he's not being a victim and actively trying to drag me down but he's choosing to not contribute to our relationship at all, even if it is hard to do so. So I guess that's no different really. He's just so shut down and that in itself is a drain. I totally get the feeling helpless thing too, there's so little I can do for him.

 

[whyhellothere83]

I live in chronic pain and I know I can be hard to be around. However, you need to be more supportive IMO. Have you ever lived in chronic pain? It’s bleeping awful. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It makes me not want to live anymore, so I feel for him.

 

[veryfondoftea]

I live in chronic pain and I know I can be hard to be around. However, you need to be more supportive IMO. Have you ever lived in chronic pain? It’s bleeping awful. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It makes me not want to live anymore, so I feel for him.

Thanks for your reply. I'm interested to know, for you, what would 'more supportive' look like? That's a genuine question as I'm struggling to see what else I can do for him. I regularly check in with him and ask if there's anything he needs from me etc.

I think you probably can guess from my posts that I haven't lived in chronic pain, but I'm also interested to see what bit of what you've read suggests I haven't been supportive?

 

[whyhellothere83]

Thanks for your reply. I'm interested to know, for you, what would 'more supportive' look like? That's a genuine question as I'm struggling to see what else I can do for him. I regularly check in with him and ask if there's anything he needs from me etc.

I think you probably can guess from my posts that I haven't lived in chronic pain, but I'm also interested to see what bit of what you've read suggests I haven't been supportive?

I think couples therapy would really help. As it gives you both a chance to say how you’re feeling. I completely understand it must be hard for you but honestly chronic pain ruins lives. I’m the same as him and just feel a shell of myself most of the time. Try therapy x

 

[veryfondoftea]

I think couples therapy would really help. As it gives you both a chance to say how you’re feeling. I completely understand it must be hard for you but honestly chronic pain ruins lives. I’m the same as him and just feel a shell of myself most of the time. Try therapy x

I'm so sorry you feel that, it must be so hard, I can't even imagine. Thank you, that's a really useful suggestion, I'd be up for that so will broach it with him.

 

[whyhellothere83]

I'm so sorry you feel that, it must be so hard, I can't even imagine. Thank you, that's a really useful suggestion, I'd be up for that so will broach it with him.

I really hope you both work it out. I feel for both of you as it’s an awful situation for both! X

 

[opintionatedperson]

I'm almost at breaking point, I don't know what's wrong with me and definitely doesn't feel normal.
Those with chronic pain, how did you get a diagnosis, did you just keep going to the doctors?

Background
Early 30s, had a baby last year, 7m pp had pancreatitis and gallbladder removed due to gallstones.
Ever since the operation I've had constant pain in my wrists - made worse with activity and sore and stiff feet when I wake up or after a lot of walking or standing.
The last month I feel like I'm getting progressively worse and this week I'm almost at breaking point as it's just constant and I can't help but let it get me down, as I'm so tired.
I have gone to the GP, went for an X-ray and blood tests to rule out arthritis and luckily nothing showed..
I was recommended an occupational therapist and I've been a few times and she says my fascia is very tight which does give me some relief. I still don't have a reason and seem to be getting worse.
I don't know am I wasting my time going to the GP , I don't want to be popping ibuprofen or parcecomal constantly either

 

[whyhellothere83]

I'm almost at breaking point, I don't know what's wrong with me and definitely doesn't feel normal.
Those with chronic pain, how did you get a diagnosis, did you just keep going to the doctors?

Background
Early 30s, had a baby last year, 7m pp had pancreatitis and gallbladder removed due to gallstones.
Ever since the operation I've had constant pain in my wrists - made worse with activity and sore and stiff feet when I wake up or after a lot of walking or standing.
The last month I feel like I'm getting progressively worse and this week I'm almost at breaking point as it's just constant and I can't help but let it get me down, as I'm so tired.
I have gone to the GP, went for an X-ray and blood tests to rule out arthritis and luckily nothing showed..
I was recommended an occupational therapist and I've been a few times and she says my fascia is very tight which does give me some relief. I still don't have a reason and seem to be getting worse.
I don't know am I wasting my time going to the GP , I don't want to be popping ibuprofen or parcecomal constantly either

So sorry to hear this. I’m still struggling to get an answer after 7 years. Have you had an MRI?

 

[opintionatedperson]

So sorry to hear this. I’m still struggling to get an answer after 7 years. Have you had an MRI?

No I haven't had it for this issue, I guess it's back to the GP as I don't feel the occupational therapy is only giving me temporary relief. Many thanks, I feel that nobody understands