Living with an Anxious and Depressed partner.

[Tree_]

Hi all.

My partner has been suffering with severe anxiety and depression for over a year now. Well longer but it's only been treated for this time. His depression is better but his anxiety is getting worse. He has had 2 lots of CBT and one lot if CRT and is on antidepressants so he is seeking help.

I don't want to sound horrible or selfish but I'm really struggling as me and the kids are all he has. His family are useless and the childhood abuse he suffered are the root cause. He does have friends but his anxiety means he often feels he can't visit them. I've tried helping him by telling him to go for the weekends and have fun, me and the kids are fine but he won't and covid has made it hard too.

Have other people been through this and come out the other side as I'm struggling too now. The other day I was really down and convinced myself that it was due to me and him and the kids would be better off without me. Which is completely irrational but I felt so so low. But I can't talk to him as it just triggers him. I don't want to talk to my parents as they wouldn't understand and my best friend and soul mate is going through a lot with her severely ill and terminal mum.

 

[Chandler Bing]

Sorry to be blunt here but I would recommend that you could benefit from therapy / counselling yourself. This is too much of a burden for one person to carry. No one who hasn't gone through this or is a mental help professional can understand where you are coming from so I'm not sure if there are support groups out there because you need someone to talk to.

Please don't blame yourself! You need support as it's not something you can get through on your own. I have not had experience of a partner but lived with a family member who was severely depressed and had issues but obviously once I grew up I was able to get out of the situation which isn't the same as yours when it's not easy or necessarily even an option to leave the situation.

Hugs and please seek help and someone to speak to for yourself so you can carry on for your kids' sake.

 

[Motherpuffin]

A totally different perspective, I have depression and anxiety from a traumatic childhood so can sympathise with your partner and with you, as I also have been in relationships with people with mental health issues. I’d agree with the person above that you need as much support as possible while your husband is seeking treatment for his illness. I bet he’s doing everything he can, but as a result of it all I can imagine you’re carrying the weight of parenting plus supporting him. If you haven’t shared what’s going on with family I suggest you do, let other people in so that they can give you and your children support and help on the bad days.
I’m relatively lucky, in that my illness will strike me down for a couple of months at a time but I know it will pass, lockdown has been awful but I’m keeping to my routine knowing that it will pass and I am really appreciative that I have a very understanding husband. I’m sure your husband is very grateful for your support.
Sending you love and hoping this phase passes soon for you all.

 

[Nugget11]

Firstly, please don’t blame yourself. It sounds like you’re being really supportive and he will appreciate that even if he doesn’t say it.

I’m in a similar situation myself at the moment as my boyfriend suffers with chronic anxiety which has been exacerbated by covid. He goes from 0-100 on irrational thinking and this situation that he can’t control has tipped him over the edge. He speaks with a regular counsellor anyway and has for a few years on and off, but I don’t feel that she’s doing much to help him with his anxiety and to be able to rationalise his own thoughts so I searched for an anxiety specialist that he has also been speaking with for the last few weeks and he seems to be helping so it may be worth looking for someone more specialised alongside the other treatment.

We’ve got to the stage a couple of times where we’ve discussed if we’d be best to live apart, so I understand how you’re feeling in terms of blaming yourself. For us, the discussion about living apart is more so that he can have full control over everything rather than having to worry about me and what I’m doing as well as himself, because although I’m willing to make some concessions and sacrifices to consider his anxiety there are things that I’ve said I’m not willing to compromise on like going to work (I largely work from home but have been driving to London once or twice a week for work, which he’s not been hugely comfortable with).

I struggle with depression so when he’s really low and I’m putting so much energy in to make him feel better it can affect and trigger me, so I totally understand how low it can make you feel. I know you’ve said that you cant talk to him about it as it will trigger him but I would recommend talking as much as possible so that you can both be there for each other.

Something that I found when I’ve been at my worst is that you really have to want to help yourself. All the resources etc can be there and you can be doing the right things but unless you’re ready to ‘be helped’, I don’t think it really goes in and this is something that I’ve had to discuss with my partner as I don’t actually think he’s been very open and ready to be helped in the past and until he is things won’t change. He’s very much gone through past treatment expecting it to just fix him I think. Do you think your husband is ready to help himself or is he going through the motions with the things he’s been doing in the hope that they fix him?

Things that have really helped us/me at the moment;
- Talking as openly as possible - both of us as although he is the one suffering, it hugely affects me as his partner
- Me having someone else to talk to about the situation to avoid bottling everything up - I’ve spoken with my parents and a close friend so that I have somewhere to vent to as well when things get too much
- Making sure we get out of the house for regular walks together - I know that this has really helped my partner, but appreciate that it might be difficult for you to do with your husband as you have children
- Having time for yourself away from the situation - I’m staying with my mum for a couple of weeks at the moment, it should have been a holiday for the both of us as she lives in the Lake District but my boyfriend wasn’t comfortable coming away. I haven’t seen mum for months so I wasn’t going to cancel and stay at home but I really feel like it’s done the world of good to have a break. If you can, I would try and do something just for you - again appreciate it might be difficult with children

Sorry this has been such a long post, but hopefully helps a little. I know you wanted some reassurance around coming out of the other side of this and it definitely can be done. My depression and self harm is largely under control now (I would say 99% of the time) and that’s from a course of CBT and being on the right antidepressants, plus the gym hugely helps me.