Letting him go...

[Bellaboo83]

Hey there.

I have spoken before about my on off toxic relationship. I won't go into it all just to say I know it's toxic, I know he doesn't meet my emotional needs, never has and never will and I finished things finally 3 weeks ago after he showed me in no uncertain terms that I would never be his priority.

I've been resolute for 3 weeks, happy about it, sure of my decision. Then today for some reason (might be PMS / might be the length of time indicating finality / might be joining Tinder / might be loneliness - I don't know) I've woke up really teary, I've questioned my decision and panicked and stupidly ended up texting him.

His reply was cold and said everything was in the past now like our relationship and he was done talking.

Firstly I'm gutted I've shown him I'm still bothered. I feel like I've let myself down. I should have walked away with my head held high and got on with finding myself and my happiness after so long of being unhappy but now it looks to him like I've crawled back for more and it will have boosted his ego and it makes me sick he knows I'm still invested.

Secondly I don't know how my mind can know so firmly that he is no good for me, yet emotionally I'm feeling like I'm not ready to finally let him go. I've got myself all upset now thinking of him moving on and that this is final and I'll never find connection with anyone else again and I'm not sure how to cope with these feelings, I've been in tear most of the day.

I'm not heartbroken, I'm not feeling like i'll die without him etc, I just feel like I'm not ready to completely let him go. It's so strange because I want more than anything for him to be in the past and for me to be over him.

I guess my question is how do I cheer the duck up and move on? How do I get the information that he is wrong for me on every level to move from my head into my heart?

Has anyone else ever felt like this and found a found a way to let go? Anyone found happiness after a lengthy toxic relationship?

 

[he eldndnoe]

Bless you, I really feel for you! We’ve all been there. Do you think it’s the idea of him meeting someone else that makes you so upset? Because if so, that’s completely normal.

You are bound to feel different things each day, it is still SO raw. It would be worrying if you were so cold about it! What has helped me in the past is to write down pros and cons of you ending the relationship and honestly, things will seem so much clearer. Come back to them every time you have a wobble or a ‘what it’ moment.

In the meantime, do some exercise (if you can, whether it’s a walk with your music blasting or a workout), eat some good food and have a drinkies. AND most importantly, enjoy being single for a while! Go on some dates, have some fun and hopefully you will start feeling like yourself in no time

 

[LaurieLaurie]

You need to remove and block him from all social media etc so that you aren’t tempted to message him. You can still walk away with your head held high now, his reply seemed quite civil so don’t dwell on it any longer.

As far as I’m concerned why would you someone that doesn’t want you? There’s nothing left to hold onto. They don’t want to make you a priority so learn to say ‘Ok. Your choice’ and walk away. You’ll become stronger for it and accept less tit. Better people will always come along but I always find it’s better to focus on yourself for a while or you’ll end up with someone just as bad while your slightly vulnerable.

 

[Bellaboo83]

Bless you, I really feel for you! We’ve all been there. Do you think it’s the idea of him meeting someone else that makes you so upset? Because if so, that’s completely normal.

You are bound to feel different things each day, it is still SO raw. It would be worrying if you were so cold about it! What has helped me in the past is to write down pros and cons of you ending the relationship and honestly, things will seem so much clearer. Come back to them every time you have a wobble or a ‘what it’ moment.

In the meantime, do some exercise (if you can, whether it’s a walk with your music blasting or a workout), eat some good food and have a drinkies. AND most importantly, enjoy being single for a while! Go on some dates, have some fun and hopefully you will start feeling like yourself in no time

Yes the idea of him being with someone else is killing me. That's the main thing I think. My list of pros for him is very short and cons is lengthy, no matter how many times I read it I can't stop my heart from wanting him today . Its madness haha. We have 10 years of history (and a child) and I guess I've just always hoped we could make it work in the end.... Despite years of trying as a testiment to it not working

I am going away this weekend so hopefully that will take my mind off it a bit. Thank you for your advice, it does really help x

You need to remove and block him from all social media etc so that you aren’t tempted to message him. You can still walk away with your head held high now, his reply seemed quite civil so don’t dwell on it any longer.

As far as I’m concerned why would you someone that doesn’t want you? There’s nothing left to hold onto. They don’t want to make you a priority so learn to say ‘Ok. Your choice’ and walk away. You’ll become stronger for it and accept less tit. Better people will always come along but I always find it’s better to focus on yourself for a while or you’ll end up with someone just as bad while your slightly vulnerable.

Yes he's blocked already from the socials. I did that first so I'm not tempted to look him up. I cant block him on standard phone because of our child so I will always have his number on my phone.

Yes you're absolutely right, there is nothing left.... Maybe it's the history, feeling responsible for not being able to keep my child's parents together for him and perhaps it's being magnified by my PMS I don't know. I'm not really a strong person, I wish I could be someone who can just walk away at the first sign of disconnect.... Lol id have gone 9 years ago I've hung on hoping to make it work for so long that's my life now I guess. Yes being alone for a while is a good idea.

Thanks for your advice. Just talking it through / writing it down is a bit of therepy I guess. I appreciate you responding x

 

[Cloak]

Sorry to hear you’re going through this, it’s so tough and it’s totally normal to have a wobble like this but please know that you’ve made the right decision and just know that time is the greatest healer here.

I saved a post on Instagram recently that I found resonated with me on this topic, the caption in particular is interesting and might help.

 

[Bellaboo83]

Sorry to hear you’re going through this, it’s so tough and it’s totally normal to have a wobble like this but please know that you’ve made the right decision and just know that time is the greatest healer here.

I saved a post on Instagram recently that I found resonated with me on this topic, the caption in particular is interesting and might help.

I absolutely loved reading that and it resonated so much! Thank you so much for sharing

 

[Sailorontheseasea]

When the brain is used to having a relationship “gap” filled (so to speak), be it a friend or partner, it just gets used to it and the monotony/every day of the relationship and so when it’s not there it is hard, especially if you’ve been together a long time or lived together etc and were pretty concrete. You are obviously not in love with him anymore and you know in your head it’s over, it’s just the filling the void situation that your head/heart needs to figure out now and that’s totally normal. I find writing down a pros and cons list helpful (lol yes very Ross from friends) but it makes you see with pen and paper just how crappy he was. Delete all of your texts and social media bits of him too so you’re not tempted to see his life away from you, you don’t need that tit. As far as you’re concerned he can go and find someone else’s wants and needs second and you need to focus on doing you girl. Find your inner peace and explore your life without him in it. Absolute respect for leaving when you know he wasn’t doing you any favours, the hardest part is truly over and now you can move on and find all the happiness in the world that you KNOW you deserve. Wishing you all the best lovely

Also as for having a small moment of weakness and messaging him, firstly, that’s way more than he deserves and he probably well knows it. Secondly, we’ve all been there and messaged someone in a split second pms decision - at least you’re absolutely certain there’s nothing left between you and he’s confirmed that for you in his cold and samey responses (I mean for you - not for him, he can do one )

I know this answers none of your questions but you’re doing amazingly.

 

[Bellaboo83]

When the brain is used to having a relationship “gap” filled (so to speak), be it a friend or partner, it just gets used to it and the monotony/every day of the relationship and so when it’s not there it is hard, especially if you’ve been together a long time or lived together etc and were pretty concrete. You are obviously not in love with him anymore and you know in your head it’s over, it’s just the filling the void situation that your head/heart needs to figure out now and that’s totally normal. I find writing down a pros and cons list helpful (lol yes very Ross from friends) but it makes you see with pen and paper just how crappy he was. Delete all of your texts and social media bits of him too so you’re not tempted to see his life away from you, you don’t need that tit. As far as you’re concerned he can go and find someone else’s wants and needs second and you need to focus on doing you girl. Find your inner peace and explore your life without him in it. Absolute respect for leaving when you know he wasn’t doing you any favours, the hardest part is truly over and now you can move on and find all the happiness in the world that you KNOW you deserve. Wishing you all the best lovely

Also as for having a small moment of weakness and messaging him, firstly, that’s way more than he deserves and he probably well knows it. Secondly, we’ve all been there and messaged someone in a split second pms decision - at least you’re absolutely certain there’s nothing left between you and he’s confirmed that for you in his cold and samey responses (I mean for you - not for him, he can do one )

I know this answers none of your questions but you’re doing amazingly.

That's such a kind reply, thank you!

As my pms has eased I'm finding I'm able to be a bit more rational about it. I think what you said about my brain having a void without him being present is true. I didn't love him at the end if I'm truthful, I was exhausted with my needs never being met and my mental health has suffered so much because I've lost myself, denied my needs and felt so unloved and insecure for so long.

I even felt a little bit of excitement today at the future, it only lasted a few seconds but the thought was definitely there! I thought to myself that I'm a step closer to finding real love than I was before and so I should celebrate that!

If I've got upset I've tried to focus the upset on getting angry with him for treating me the way he did instead of being sad. Being angry at him seems to give me a bit of strength that sadness doesn't have (I know that sounds crazy haha).

Im spending the evening having my hair cut and dyed and giving myself a little glow up

I still feel very raw and i am having moments of panic (mostly when I think of him moving on) but it's not as heartbreaking as when I posted.

Thanks again for your kind reply it really has helped

 

[2020two]

I don't have any advice really but I'm going through the same thing so I'm sending you some major solidarity xx

 

[Bellaboo83]

I don't have any advice really but I'm going through the same thing so I'm sending you some major solidarity xx

Aww I'm sorry to hear that. How are you doing? Tell me your story if it helps? Sending you some healing thoughs xx

 

[2020two]

Aww I'm sorry to hear that. How are you doing? Tell me your story if it helps? Sending you some healing thoughs xx

Thank you lovely. It wasn't great, I definitely wasn't getting the treatment I deserved. I was considering ending it myself and everyone in my life was encouraging me to, and then he did. He said he still cared about me deeply and still wanted me but felt he was toxic for me which I suppose is true. We spoke recently and I said I was going on dates again, he said he was jealous but he knows it's his fault (WTF). I honestly thought I was doing ok, but I saw today he clicked attending on a networking event that's basically speedating and I feel like someone has thrown a brick at my head. I've been dramatically crying about it for about an hour I know he hurt me, he made me feel like crap so I know exactly where you're coming from - why is my brain letting me feel so bloody sad!! Xx

 

[Bellaboo83]

Thank you lovely. It wasn't great, I definitely wasn't getting the treatment I deserved. I was considering ending it myself and everyone in my life was encouraging me to, and then he did. He said he still cared about me deeply and still wanted me but felt he was toxic for me which I suppose is true. We spoke recently and I said I was going on dates again, he said he was jealous but he knows it's his fault (WTF). I honestly thought I was doing ok, but I saw today he clicked attending on a networking event that's basically speedating and I feel like someone has thrown a brick at my head. I've been dramatically crying about it for about an hour I know he hurt me, he made me feel like crap so I know exactly where you're coming from - why is my brain letting me feel so bloody sad!! Xx

Aww bless you, I would feel the same as you if I saw anything like that, I've had to delete and block him from everything so I can't see what he is up to, it would hurt too much, not knowing is the only way I can begin to move forward, but it's on my mind all the time.

Have you thought about blocking/deleting him so you don't have to see things like that going forward? I know sometimes you want to keep them on social media to 'remain friends' but when you're still healing and your heart is broken all over again each time you see he's posted it might be kinder to yourself to make it so you cant see xx

I know exactly what you are saying. You know he treated you badly, you know the relationship was dead, you know it was no good for you, you know he has hurt you over and over and yet your heart still hurts and aches for him sometimes to the point I can't breathe and I fill with anxiety and panic and sickness and don't know how I will ever get through it and move on. I wish my heart would catch up with my head!

I love searching the net for stories of people who have found love after heartbreak, it's keeping me going at the moment, focusing on being closer to finding real lasting love.

Hey I tell you who is worth a follow on Instagram it's an account called @lovingmeafterwe, her stories and posts always resonate with me and if you ask her a question when she does her story questions she usually answers it! She does a lot on break ups and toxic relationships which I always look at and think YES

How long were you together? Mine was 10 years . xx

 

[Raininvain]

Its just your mind playing tricks with you, I wouldn't be bothered about texting him, forget it. But I'd delete him off everything so you dont get tempted again. Just concentrate on other things. Its time that you need that's all.You will forget and get over it I promise you.