Late 20’s meltdown

[FlipFlop0706]

Hey!
I’m 34 and still living at home and I completely understand how you are feeling. This post may get a bit ranty but here we go!

There is this formulaic expectation that life should go:
Uni, meet your significant other, get a great job, move in together, get engaged, get married, buy a house, fancy car, pop out a kid, get a bigger house, pop out another kid and life looks fucking fabulous. You’ve ticked all the boxes! Winning at life!

You look around your peers and feel like shit if you haven’t achieved any or all of these things. The majority of my workmates and friend were married, sprogged up and mortgaged by their thirties and honestly I was green with envy. I worked just as hard (if not harder!), I’m nice, I’m ready for all those exciting things to happen, I SHOULD be achieving just like them. I felt inferior.

Truth is, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. My friend has ticked all the boxes and loves that I am free to do what I want without any considerations. I have my independence and am free to do what o want when I want. She’s privately told me she wished she had waited a bit before settling down. She loves her kids, but motherhood has effectively stalled her career. Her husband works all hours to pay for the lifestyle they lead and this isn’t the life that she envisioned. I guess what I’m saying is- the grass isn’t always greener. It may look like it but underneath it may be all shit. People just don’t show it.

As time has gone on, I thank my lucky stars I haven’t followed the same path as my friends. If I look at everything logically- I think:

well I just haven’t met the right bloke yet, better I do hold out for the right life partner.
Do I really want to have kids now?
Do I even want them AT ALL?
Do I actually WANT to be mortgaged up to the eyeballs?

I guess in short what I’m saying is the grass isn’t always greener, and that as time has gone on, my expectations for what I THOUGHT I wanted in my earlier years has completely changed.

Also, I think society and social media play a part in feeding into these expectations. Haven’t got a house by the time you are thirty- god you must be incompetent with money. Not married by 30- oh dear, no one will want you now your past it. Married later on? Oh but now you are missing your chance to have kids. There’s always something to change and tick the box on. The pressure when you are not meeting these goals is immense!

So in short. Grass isn’t always greener, society and social media only serve to project these ideals and place those who haven’t met these ideals under great pressure.

You are not the only person to feel these way.

 

[LittleRoots]

I’ve never made a post like this before and quite nervous about doing so but just feel so defeated.

I’m 28, and all my friends/siblings are getting married/buying houses/starting a family and I’m here still living at home with a boyfriend who lives at the other end of the country feeling deflated that I’m lagging behind or maybe that these things just are not in the cards for me. I’ve been trying to accomplish these things but it’s always been one step forwards two steps back. (Family’s health/my health/abusive expartners) it just hasn’t happened despite me giving everything 110% and now I’m just feeling a bit hopeless and deflated about it.

I know it sounds silly and in the grand scheme of things I should be happy and I am so grateful to have a roof over my head, health, and the family I have left. But seeing all my friends go to uni/get degree/find partners/buy houses/have kids all looking so effortlessly and what I’ve always wanted. I just can’t help but turn into the silly green eyed monster who worry’s she’ll never get these things.

I’m not looking for sympathy by any means as I know this is not a huge problem at all compared to most, but really just wanting to talk to people who may have in the past or currently feel like this! I’m usually such a positive person but this has really got me down lately!

 

[Be creative]

Hey! If it helps any, I’m 32, will be 33 this year and still a single Pringle, whilst all my mates are married and/or with children. No huge fancy career to shout about, have lost a couple family members in horrific circumstances and generally an average joe. Some of my mates are in very good careers and others make money to survive as oppose to a high flying career. I’m in a stable enough job, which I don’t love but can tolerate, bought my first house a couple years ago but feel I’ve somewhat stalled. Yet to meet “the one” or anyone remotely close, and feel I’m kind of stuck jusr now.

the point of my reply is, don’t stress it. Life has a way of working out and moving along at what pace you need (not necessarily want) and so try and remind yourself of the good things you do have, such as a Loving partner, family and those friends (no matter how much the green eyes come out now and again - it’s healthy btw, we all get green eyes at times). Just because they seem to be flying through the conventional happy life timeline, doesn’t mean you won’t, maybe it’s just gonna be a different timeline for you. That’s how I’m looking at things anyway. Ever hopeful of progression but trying to remind myself to be content with my lot if nothing else

I don’t know if that helps any, but I hope it does

 

[Nugget11]

Couldn’t read this and run, I’m 29 and feel very similar - I think we all have this feeling that by the time we’re late 20s we’ll have everything figured out but I just don’t think that’s the reality anymore. As previous poster has said, the grass isn’t always greener but I’m totally with you on how easy it is to turn into the green eyed monster!

I live with my boyfriend (we’ve been together 10 years this year) in a rented place and honestly every time I see someone I know get engaged or buy a house I do get a little down so I get it. I’m 30 in July and I definitely thought I’d have my life figured out by now. My mum had me at 28 and I guess I always thought I’d have kids at the same sort of age but I’m all honesty, I don’t know if I actually want kids anymore and it’s something that me and my boyfriend are both trying to figure out if we ACTUALLY want in our future.

Please don’t feel alone in this - I think most people at our age are more lost and confused than they let on

 

[willow.b]

Hey! I'm 29. I'm constantly questioning myself, I have a lot of moments where I feel like I've done everything wrong. Seeing everyone having babies while I've been struggling to conceive for over a year doesn't help.
You're not alone!

 

[Tommyb]

Thank you.for posting this. I'm also 29 and my bf is 34. We have been together nearly 8 years and have always been somewhat long distance (1hr-1.30hr) for most of our relationship. We have just bought a house whilst my friends. Have all moved out in some form of another. I always get the " you have been together 7 years and still don't live together!". It worked for us. We both studied and have time to ourselves and now have pretty good careers.

My friends are now having babies and looking at me like why are you not engaged/married/pregnant? Whilst I'm sure they love their lives I go round to theirs and think this is not what I want right now. You know what they say.. misery loves company!.

What has helped me when iv felt that panic is having some kind of loose plan. After the first year together me and my bf would talk about future plans on where we would love, if we wanted to rent/buy and putting some loose timelines on it. After 5 years together we started seriously talking about buying a house but decided to keep saving and now we were no longer studying decided to have 4/6 holidays a year for a couple of years instead and really "live". Worked out for the best because after we finished this covid came and we couldn't travel! It took us a year and a half to find out house due to covid too so it doesn't always work out the way you plan. But I'm so glad for the way it has worked out.

Sorry for the waffle! Put some loose plans in place/ work towards something. That's what helped me!

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I’ve never made a post like this before and quite nervous about doing so but just feel so defeated.

I’m 28, and all my friends/siblings are getting married/buying houses/starting a family and I’m here still living at home with a boyfriend who lives at the other end of the country feeling deflated that I’m lagging behind or maybe that these things just are not in the cards for me. I’ve been trying to accomplish these things but it’s always been one step forwards two steps back. (Family’s health/my health/abusive expartners) it just hasn’t happened despite me giving everything 110% and now I’m just feeling a bit hopeless and deflated about it.

I know it sounds silly and in the grand scheme of things I should be happy and I am so grateful to have a roof over my head, health, and the family I have left. But seeing all my friends go to uni/get degree/find partners/buy houses/have kids all looking so effortlessly and what I’ve always wanted. I just can’t help but turn into the silly green eyed monster who worry’s she’ll never get these things.

I’m not looking for sympathy by any means as I know this is not a huge problem at all compared to most, but really just wanting to talk to people who may have in the past or currently feel like this! I’m usually such a positive person but this has really got me down lately!

What’s stopping you from being with your boyfriend? Could the two of you not arrange to live somewhere together? Are you both working?

 

[LittleRoots]

Hey! If it helps any, I’m 32, will be 33 this year and still a single Pringle, whilst all my mates are married and/or with children. No huge fancy career to shout about, have lost a couple family members in horrific circumstances and generally an average joe. Some of my mates are in very good careers and others make money to survive as oppose to a high flying career. I’m in a stable enough job, which I don’t love but can tolerate, bought my first house a couple years ago but feel I’ve somewhat stalled. Yet to meet “the one” or anyone remotely close, and feel I’m kind of stuck jusr now.

the point of my reply is, don’t stress it. Life has a way of working out and moving along at what pace you need (not necessarily want) and so try and remind yourself of the good things you do have, such as a Loving partner, family and those friends (no matter how much the green eyes come out now and again - it’s healthy btw, we all get green eyes at times). Just because they seem to be flying through the conventional happy life timeline, doesn’t mean you won’t, maybe it’s just gonna be a different timeline for you. That’s how I’m looking at things anyway. Ever hopeful of progression but trying to remind myself to be content with my lot if nothing else

I don’t know if that helps any, but I hope it does

“Life has a way of moving along at what pace you need, not necessarily want” this exactly I needed to hear that and keep telling myself! Thank you, yes this helped I’m glad I’m not the only one.

Hey!
I’m 34 and still living at home and I completely understand how you are feeling. This post may get a bit ranty but here we go!

There is this formulaic expectation that life should go:
Uni, meet your significant other, get a great job, move in together, get engaged, get married, buy a house, fancy car, pop out a kid, get a bigger house, pop out another kid and life looks fucking fabulous. You’ve ticked all the boxes! Winning at life!

You look around your peers and feel like shit if you haven’t achieved any or all of these things. The majority of my workmates and friend were married, sprogged up and mortgaged by their thirties and honestly I was green with envy. I worked just as hard (if not harder!), I’m nice, I’m ready for all those exciting things to happen, I SHOULD be achieving just like them. I felt inferior.

Truth is, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. My friend has ticked all the boxes and loves that I am free to do what I want without any considerations. I have my independence and am free to do what o want when I want. She’s privately told me she wished she had waited a bit before settling down. She loves her kids, but motherhood has effectively stalled her career. Her husband works all hours to pay for the lifestyle they lead and this isn’t the life that she envisioned. I guess what I’m saying is- the grass isn’t always greener. It may look like it but underneath it may be all shit. People just don’t show it.

As time has gone on, I thank my lucky stars I haven’t followed the same path as my friends. If I look at everything logically- I think:

well I just haven’t met the right bloke yet, better I do hold out for the right life partner.
Do I really want to have kids now?
Do I even want them AT ALL?
Do I actually WANT to be mortgaged up to the eyeballs?

I guess in short what I’m saying is the grass isn’t always greener, and that as time has gone on, my expectations for what I THOUGHT I wanted in my earlier years has completely changed.

Also, I think society and social media play a part in feeding into these expectations. Haven’t got a house by the time you are thirty- god you must be incompetent with money. Not married by 30- oh dear, no one will want you now your past it. Married later on? Oh but now you are missing your chance to have kids. There’s always something to change and tick the box on. The pressure when you are not meeting these goals is immense!

So in short. Grass isn’t always greener, society and social media only serve to project these ideals and place those who haven’t met these ideals under great pressure.

You are not the only person to feel these way.

this honestly made me feel so much better you hit the nail on the head with how I feel I’m glad to hear you’re okay and I’m not the only one. and needed the reminder the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
Feel people are brought up to learn the teen years are the hardest while you’re figuring out your life then your 20’s are fantastic and you know exactly who you are/what you want/your life is settled then you feel bad you are late 20’s and still figuring all these things out! When in reality I bet there are more people with no clue still than people with it all together-or at least I’m going to start telling myself.

What’s stopping you from being with your boyfriend? Could the two of you not arrange to live somewhere together? Are you both working?

hes been in the process of moving for 3 years now but still is yet to find work he likes here. I honestly don’t know what to do I don’t know if I should continue waiting or if maybe I’m beating on a door that’s never going to open.

Couldn’t read this and run, I’m 29 and feel very similar - I think we all have this feeling that by the time we’re late 20s we’ll have everything figured out but I just don’t think that’s the reality anymore. As previous poster has said, the grass isn’t always greener but I’m totally with you on how easy it is to turn into the green eyed monster!

I live with my boyfriend (we’ve been together 10 years this year) in a rented place and honestly every time I see someone I know get engaged or buy a house I do get a little down so I get it. I’m 30 in July and I definitely thought I’d have my life figured out by now. My mum had me at 28 and I guess I always thought I’d have kids at the same sort of age but I’m all honesty, I don’t know if I actually want kids anymore and it’s something that me and my boyfriend are both trying to figure out if we ACTUALLY want in our future.

Please don’t feel alone in this - I think most people at our age are more lost and confused than they let on

thank you so much for your kind words was so nervous about making a post but these responses are really helping and making me feel a little more ‘normal’ thank you.

Hey! I'm 29. I'm constantly questioning myself, I have a lot of moments where I feel like I've done everything wrong. Seeing everyone having babies while I've been struggling to conceive for over a year doesn't help.
You're not alone!

sorry to hear you are having the struggle and hope things work soon for you, I have pcos so can see myself in that situation one day also so greatest sympathy to you must be so difficult can’t even imagine

 

[AladdinSane]

Couldn’t read this and run, I’m 29 and feel very similar - I think we all have this feeling that by the time we’re late 20s we’ll have everything figured out but I just don’t think that’s the reality anymore. As previous poster has said, the grass isn’t always greener but I’m totally with you on how easy it is to turn into the green eyed monster!

I live with my boyfriend (we’ve been together 10 years this year) in a rented place and honestly every time I see someone I know get engaged or buy a house I do get a little down so I get it. I’m 30 in July and I definitely thought I’d have my life figured out by now. My mum had me at 28 and I guess I always thought I’d have kids at the same sort of age but I’m all honesty, I don’t know if I actually want kids anymore and it’s something that me and my boyfriend are both trying to figure out if we ACTUALLY want in our future.

Please don’t feel alone in this - I think most people at our age are more lost and confused than they let on

This is me all over. Literally in exactly the same scenario as you. Same age, relationship length. Everywhere I look I see my friends having babies and I'm just like, do I even want this? It's been so conditioned into us that you have kids once you've been with your partner a while.
During the first stage of the pandemic I had a complete meltdown thinking I was so far behind in life and wasn't going anywhere. Especially as my partner is 5 years older than me. I was panicking I was ruining his life as well as mine

Truth is, none of us have it figured out at all..even our parents. There's no set way to do something and I'm slowly (very slowly sometimes!) Starting to accept that.

 

[Nugget11]

This is me all over. Literally in exactly the same scenario as you. Same age, relationship length. Everywhere I look I see my friends having babies and I'm just like, do I even want this? It's been so conditioned into us that you have kids once you've been with your partner a while.
During the first stage of the pandemic I had a complete meltdown thinking I was so far behind in life and wasn't going anywhere. Especially as my partner is 5 years older than me. I was panicking I was ruining his life as well as mine

Truth is, none of us have it figured out at all..even our parents. There's no set way to do something and I'm slowly (very slowly sometimes!) Starting to accept that.

Are we the same person? My partner is 5 years older too

I literally don’t know how to even start figuring out the answer to whether we want kids. We speak about it and we both always thought we’d want at least one and now it’s like is this what we want like you’ve said, but I’m worried that we’d have regrets if we didn’t and I just don’t even know where to begin to start unravelling how we both actually feel about it - does that make sense? If anyone has any advice on that, it would be welcomed because my brain just doesn’t know where to start

 

[slothgurl]

Hey! I’m in a similar boat! 27 in April and still living at home. I have 3 older sisters who all moved out and got married and had babies in their late 20’s and friends who are all moving out/in long term relationships.

I’m still single, came out as gay this year and in debt. I’ve finally contacted step change to get help and get my finances in order and have joined dating apps to try and start meeting people but feel like i’m stuck in a rut.

I’m trying to start to see it as everyone’s story is different and my life is just taking a different path!