Kids and limited meal options

[Lady_H]

My 10 year old will only eat a very limited range of dreary meals, mostly beige. It is depressing and stressful and increasingly difficult socially, and I want to do something about it. I have done a lot of research recently and I realise that this is bigger than just adding different things to his plate and withholding pudding until he eats it (which never worked anyway). Potentially it's about lifestyle change for all of us and will almost certainly be a long slow journey of months if not years involving a lot of patience. But that's ok. I just want to do my best to help him gradually gain confidence around a wider variety of foods and meals so that we are not forever eating spag bol and he can go to someone else's house and make a decent stab at whatever they're serving even if it's green.

This is a sensitive topic for me and one that I'd never post on MN about for fear of being piled on by a zillion Jacinthas, but I trust tattle. I don't want advice really, had plenty of that. I'm more after non-judgey companionship from someone who gets it. It would be lovely if someone here was in the same boat and wanted to paddle along with me. We could share ideas, keep each other going, cheer each others' wins and generally be a shoulder to weep on when the broccoli is rejected yet again...

That's it really, will post this now and see if anyone out there shares my pain

 

[Megansnarkle]

I'm not a parent but how limited are you talking about? I can't say that my eating habits were that varied at 10 (we were a very meat and potatoes type family) but they expanded when I got to university and now I will eat almost anything. There are of course some things I don't eat, mainly these are things which have similar slightly slimy textures, I like crispy textures. Could you try and narrow down what he likes and dislikes and why? I can't say I've ever been a big fan of the tree-like veg (broccoli/white cabbage) but I do like red cabbage.

Are you trying a range of veg and a variety of cooking methods (I.e roasting rather than steaming)? If he's the type that needs a non-veg taste, what about pickled veg?

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

I get it. I have 2 kids both brought up the same. My neuro diverse child will eat most things, textures dont bother them, happy to try anything.

My neuro typical child eats nothing, they had a plain toasted bagel for dinner tonight school lunches are becoming increasingly difficult as they wont eat sandwiches, sandwich thins, rolls, wraps, pasta, soup. Wont eat any fruit. Wont even entertain school dinners despite the fact we'd currently get them for free.

I have never praised for eating, always been very relaxed, eat what you like, chatted at the table about other things, never focused on food.

My only saving grace is the fussy one doesnt have a big appetite at all. My other one eats more than I do...

I get it though, its frustrating and hard work.

 

[Lady_H]

I'm not a parent but how limited are you talking about? I can't say that my eating habits were that varied at 10 (we were a very meat and potatoes type family) but they expanded when I got to university and now I will eat almost anything. There are of course some things I don't eat, mainly these are things which have similar slightly slimy textures, I like crispy textures. Could you try and narrow down what he likes and dislikes and why? I can't say I've ever been a big fan of the tree-like veg (broccoli/white cabbage) but I do like red cabbage.

Are you trying a range of veg and a variety of cooking methods (I.e roasting rather than steaming)? If he's the type that needs a non-veg taste, what about pickled veg?

Pizza, toast, cereal, spag bol, chicken curry with rice, shepherds pie, macaroni cheese, chicken roast dinner, baked beans, sausages, chicken nuggets, apples, bananas and grapes when encouraged. He will also eat peas with roast dinner.

Is that limited? It seems limited to me. All other vegetables, or attempts at different things (noodles, different types of beans, chilli, lumpy veg of any description, stews etc is rejected.) He hoovers down snacks, crisps, chocolates, sweets and biscuits so these days I mainly keep them out of the house.

I get it. I have 2 kids both brought up the same. My neuro diverse child will eat most things, textures dont bother them, happy to try anything.

My neuro typical child eats nothing, they had a plain toasted bagel for dinner tonight school lunches are becoming increasingly difficult as they wont eat sandwiches, sandwich thins, rolls, wraps, pasta, soup. Wont eat any fruit. Wont even entertain school dinners despite the fact we'd currently get them for free.

I have never praised for eating, always been very relaxed, eat what you like, chatted at the table about other things, never focused on food.

My only saving grace is the fussy one doesnt have a big appetite at all. My other one eats more than I do...

I get it though, its frustrating and hard work.

Oh that's so interesting. I only have the one kid so it's difficult to know what I have caused, and what's him naturally. There's nothing to compare him to! I have a lot of guilt about this.

He has just had his height/weight measurement at school and has come out a healthy weight but at the weightier end of that (80th percentile) which is also making me anxious.

I honestly didn't think I had any issues with food until this, and now I find myself fixating on his plate and worrying. I do keep it to myself, but the concern is there. Maybe I just need to keep serving, putting things on the table, letting him choose, and not stressing about it.

 

[CrystalWench]

Pizza, toast, cereal, spag bol, chicken curry with rice, shepherds pie, macaroni cheese, chicken roast dinner, baked beans, sausages, chicken nuggets, apples, bananas and grapes when encouraged. He will also eat peas with roast dinner.

Is that limited? It seems limited to me. All other vegetables, or attempts at different things (noodles, different types of beans, chilli, lumpy veg of any description, stews etc is rejected.) He hoovers down snacks, crisps, chocolates, sweets and biscuits so these days I mainly keep them out of the house.


Oh that's so interesting. I only have the one kid so it's difficult to know what I have caused, and what's him naturally. There's nothing to compare him to! I have a lot of guilt about this.

He has just had his height/weight measurement at school and has come out a healthy weight but at the weightier end of that (80th percentile) which is also making me anxious.

I honestly didn't think I had any issues with food until this, and now I find myself fixating on his plate and worrying. I do keep it to myself, but the concern is there. Maybe I just need to keep serving, putting things on the table, letting him choose, and not stressing about it.

mum of one here. I don’t think that’s too limited, similar to what mine eats, although he doesn’t eat fruit unless it’s melon! And he’ll eat veg. Have you tried stews? I got my son to eat those as he can’t tell what’s in it, also started doing vegetable curry by adding veg with the chicken like sweet potatoes etc. it’s hard though I know, I do think back and think he probably eats more than I did, I would never have eaten curry.
packed lunches are a nightmare, refuses to eat bread unless it’s white and then the lack of fruit makes me look a bad mum.

 

[jackieweaver’sauthority]

@Lady_H my daughter just turned three but I can only dream of her eating all of those things. I’ve spoken to the health visitor and they’re not too concerned just say keep offering. She has times she improves but at one stage I could tell you 4 things she would eat. She still won’t have meat or veg. Like you say it’s hard to know what you’ve caused and what is their natural eating. This has been going on for 2 years and there are definitely things I’ve done to exacerbate the issues but I do think it is how she is. I’m hoping as she gets older she will get better but I am dreading the school lunches.

 

[Rocknrolla]

What you have described doesn’t sound very limited to me. My child is on the spectrum and food is a big struggle, I have to blend all the veg into a slop so to speak to add to things like spag bol and shepards pie.
You’re doing great with what he eats, try and get fruit in him and some vitamins, I hated veg when I was younger, I’m not overly keen now I just eat it to try and set an example

 

[Lady_H]

mum of one here. I don’t think that’s too limited, similar to what mine eats, although he doesn’t eat fruit unless it’s melon! And he’ll eat veg. Have you tried stews? I got my son to eat those as he can’t tell what’s in it, also started doing vegetable curry by adding veg with the chicken like sweet potatoes etc. it’s hard though I know, I do think back and think he probably eats more than I did, I would never have eaten curry.
packed lunches are a nightmare, refuses to eat bread unless it’s white and then the lack of fruit makes me look a bad mum.

He eats veg? That’s good!

For pack lunches I make a hot meal in a thermos for my son to take to school. Pasta and bolognese or something like that. It’s an absolute pain as I then have to come up with something hot for dinner as well with a limited range. I know how petty that sounds, but I sometimes feel so pissed off with the endless thinking about what he will / won’t eat and then working around it. I just feel like I’m not in control of the situation, he is, and this isn’t how I meant to parent at all!

So is the right approach to do something just a bit different, eg add sweet potato to the chicken curry, and just ignore the inevitable outrage? He cried when I put peas into the macaroni cheese, it makes me feel like I’m poised for negativity the moment anything new is attempted. But at the same time I feel like I have to keep trying.

 

[reCAPTCHA]

Maybe I just need to keep serving, putting things on the table, letting him choose, and not stressing about it.

This!! Just this.

 

[Lady_H]

What you have described doesn’t sound very limited to me. My child is on the spectrum and food is a big struggle, I have to blend all the veg into a slop so to speak to add to things like spag bol and shepards pie.
You’re doing great with what he eats, try and get fruit in him and some vitamins, I hated veg when I was younger, I’m not overly keen now I just eat it to try and set an example

Oh yes the blending slop is very familiar, I do that too. That’s a good idea about the vitamins. I will get him some gummies. He has always had some sensory issues and I have wondered for a while if he is on the spectrum although school hasn’t picked up on anything. I probably need to relax a bit

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

when I was a kid my mum brought me up on her own. She likes cottage pies, shepherds pies, stews, casseroles etc and I wouldn’t eat any of it.
I ate roast dinners, spag bol, jacket potatoes & nuggets and chips until I was about 15. When I was about 15 I started going to a friends house and at meal times I’d see them eat curries, Mexican food, Chinese etc and I ended up trying it and loving it.

I still to do this day do not like shepherds pies, etc traditional English food is a no for me, but I love Italian, Indian, Chinese & Mexican… I find it so weird that even though I was never exposed to this kind of food originally, these are what I like.

 

[candyland_]

He doesn’t sound that limited. My nephew eats crisps, chips, pizza and sausage rolls from the bakery.. That is all - he has never tried anything else and refuses to.

He won’t even have juice/sweets or chocolate.

 

[Tree_]

I think your attitude is perfect. Making Smoothies together is good as then you can show you're putting loads of colourful fruit and veg apples, spinach etc...but if you use a banana and a bit of oj it tastes lush anyway. well I find it helped my son

 

[xoxo GG]

I always take the tactic of she gets served something she likes and something new/something she rejects. The consistent exposure has paid off for some bits of food and she’s started to at least try a mouthful, which is all I ask that she makes the effort before she can say ‘I don’t like it.’

Getting her involved in preparing meals, offering her choices such as ‘do you want grapes or blueberries in your lunch today?’ I let her take responsibility for what she eats but with direct this or that rather than giving her unlimited choice.

 

[Snippysnips]

My brother is like this, literally would only ever eat chips, chicken nuggets, potato waffles an fish fingers, no veg or fruit either as a kid so unfortunately I was brought up on that as well, now as a adult my mum really regrets letting him get away with it as he now has IBS, high cholesterol (due to the amount of butter on a roll he uses as he won't even take meat) an struggles with weight, I changed in my teens because I couldn't handle it any more an would go to other family's for dinner an now as a adult I cook so many things but he still refuses to change, so it's better to maybe nip it in the bud while still young as it can go into adulthood

I'd say maybe try getting him involved in cooking, get some books an let him pick out anything he wants, get him involved in going shopping an let him have a list of things to get, just anything to make it intresting, perhaps if he's been involved in it then he might be more willing to give new things a go, an let him know that it's OK not to like everything he makes, some things he might like an some things he might not but he can always try somthing else, or even try making buffet style meals an let him plate it up for himself so he can decide how much of somthing he wants to take pressure off seeing so much on a plate an knowing he has to eat everything

I ran out of time to edit an add this, but do you home cook meals? Maybe let him start making what he likes so that its at least not the processed stuff, let him cut up potatoes for chips an season them, or let him make his own sauce for the mac an cheese or his own meatballs for the spag bol etc, could get him intrested in cooking which might make him more willing to try other things since he can have more freedom with it like maybe adding in some chopped garlic an onion to the meatballs or somthing

 

[Lady_H]

My brother is like this, literally would only ever eat chips, chicken nuggets, potato waffles an fish fingers, no veg or fruit either as a kid so unfortunately I was brought up on that as well, now as a adult my mum really regrets letting him get away with it as he now has IBS, high cholesterol (due to the amount of butter on a roll he uses as he won't even take meat) an struggles with weight, I changed in my teens because I couldn't handle it any more an would go to other family's for dinner an now as a adult I cook so many things but he still refuses to change, so it's better to maybe nip it in the bud while still young as it can go into adulthood

I'd say maybe try getting him involved in cooking, get some books an let him pick out anything he wants, get him involved in going shopping an let him have a list of things to get, just anything to make it intresting, perhaps if he's been involved in it then he might be more willing to give new things a go, an let him know that it's OK not to like everything he makes, some things he might like an some things he might not but he can always try somthing else, or even try making buffet style meals an let him plate it up for himself so he can decide how much of somthing he wants to take pressure off seeing so much on a plate an knowing he has to eat everything

I ran out of time to edit an add this, but do you home cook meals? Maybe let him start making what he likes so that its at least not the processed stuff, let him cut up potatoes for chips an season them, or let him make his own sauce for the mac an cheese or his own meatballs for the spag bol etc, could get him intrested in cooking which might make him more willing to try other things since he can have more freedom with it like maybe adding in some chopped garlic an onion to the meatballs or somthing

I home cook a fair amount, but on super busy days he gets frozen chicken nuggets, chips and baked beans. Getting him involved in the cooking is a really good idea.

I do worry when I hear stories like your brother. The thing is it’s the stories I’m telling myself about how unhealthy his diet is that make me very anxious and guilty and then I think I have to “nip it in the bud” quickly but then I feel lost because the question is always how to do that. The most humbling thing for me as a parent is realising you cannot make anyone do anything. You can try, and you might succeed once in a while, but then they just resent you and in the case of food it certainly doesn’t make them like what you’re making them eat, just the opposite!

I think I need to do more planning ahead so that I know exactly what I’m going to make for each meal and don’t have that sinking feel when dinner rolls around. And putting a variety of things in the table, and letting him help himself and NOT policing his plate and actually not even talking about what’s for dinner or what he has eaten. Take the focus entirely off the food.

I have always struggled with the dessert thing so these days I buy a medium sized bar of chocolate on Saturday and tell him it’s to last all week and that he can eat it when he wants, but when it’s gone it’s gone until the next Saturday. I feel that gives him some sense of control, doesn’t turn meantimes into a battle of wills, and keeps his sugar consumption under control. That actually seems to be working ok at the moment.

 

[Snippysnips]

I home cook a fair amount, but on super busy days he gets frozen chicken nuggets, chips and baked beans. Getting him involved in the cooking is a really good idea.

I do worry when I hear stories like your brother. The thing is it’s the stories I’m telling myself about how unhealthy his diet is that make me very anxious and guilty and then I think I have to “nip it in the bud” quickly but then I feel lost because the question is always how to do that. The most humbling thing for me as a parent is realising you cannot make anyone do anything. You can try, and you might succeed once in a while, but then they just resent you and in the case of food it certainly doesn’t make them like what you’re making them eat, just the opposite!

I think I need to do more planning ahead so that I know exactly what I’m going to make for each meal and don’t have that sinking feel when dinner rolls around. And putting a variety of things in the table, and letting him help himself and NOT policing his plate and actually not even talking about what’s for dinner or what he has eaten. Take the focus entirely off the food.

I have always struggled with the dessert thing so these days I buy a medium sized bar of chocolate on Saturday and tell him it’s to last all week and that he can eat it when he wants, but when it’s gone it’s gone until the next Saturday. I feel that gives him some sense of control, doesn’t turn meantimes into a battle of wills, and keeps his sugar consumption under control. That actually seems to be working ok at the moment.

Tbf he does eat a lot more than my brother will an at least there's a lot of home cooked, my brothers biggest problem is nothing was ever home made, it was constant stuff out the freezer so years of nothing but processed bland food has left him with problems, I got lucky cause my extended family were a eat it or stave type and they always done huge home cooked things so I was lucky enough I could eat some better things from them then as I got older I took over myself

I didn't mean to be offensive when I said it's best to "nip it in the bud" am definitely not meaning it should be dealt with over only a few months, it could take a few years before he's finally ready to eat whatever but making a start will help

I totally understand where you are coming from though, my mum tried for years with my brother an he just outright refused so she gave up with him an just let him eat what he wanted just so he had somthing

I'd definitely start off with letting him make his own plate up with having a few things on the table he can pick from an letting him get involved with cooking, the dessert thing is a good idea an maybe you could also try a similer idea with his dinner, maybe say one night of the week he can have full control over what's for dinner as long as the rest of the week he tries new things, maybe start off with one new thing a week then after a while two new things, build it up, or even trying swapping somthing out for somthing else, instead of potatos for chips maybe sweet potatos for chips

 

[Rocknrolla]

It’s not about giving up so to speak, just eventually you become that worn down with them refusing absolutely anything you put in front of them, you sort of retreat and end up giving them things you know they’ll eat. That’s how we end up stuck in this cycle, as a mother we then think oh at least they are eating something as opposed to nothing. It’s really really hard, OP sounds like she is exploring absolutely every avenue to figure things out, like I said previously it might not feel like it but you’re doing a great job don’t be so hard on yourself x

 

[Lady_H]

It’s not about giving up so to speak, just eventually you become that worn down with them refusing absolutely anything you put in front of them, you sort of retreat and end up giving them things you know they’ll eat. That’s how we end up stuck in this cycle, as a mother we then think oh at least they are eating something as opposed to nothing. It’s really really hard, OP sounds like she is exploring absolutely every avenue to figure things out, like I said previously it might not feel like it but you’re doing a great job don’t be so hard on yourself x

This, exactly this! Thank you for articulating so precisely what I feell! It’s like I have been worn down and have retreated and am cooking the same things over and over because I know he’ll eat them. Thanks for the positive feedback too x

I’m going to take courage though. I will see this as a long term thing and my responsibility will be putting different things in front of him that he can take or not. And I will put him in charge of one meal a week.

The other side of it is social embarrassment in front of other parents and fearing the judgement of others. I’m worried that if he doesn’t eat a carrot I’ll be judged as a failure! It’s ridiculous! had no idea how powerful that is before I became a mum. And I’ve also discovers how judgmental I used to be. Parenting is like unpeeling the layers of the tough onion you used to be to find a pathetic little vulnerable creature quivering in the centre…

This Is why I love tattle, it’s just so great to be able to explore this subject with minimal judgment. I’d have been crucified for this on Mumsnet

ETA: I am now sitting here thinking that maybe I really should just give him full control just to see what happens. He is very strong willed and we often butt heads and my anxiety and insistence always backfires so maybe I should just go with that for once and hand him the reins. No insisting he eats peas etc. So I could put out pasta, sauce, veg of a couple of different types, buffet style, and the family can take what they want with no comment about what anyone else is eating. I could stop plating up and just see what happens. Is that mad? What if he only takes plain pasta forever?

 

[Snippysnips]

ETA: I am now sitting here thinking that maybe I really should just give him full control just to see what happens. He is very strong willed and we often butt heads and my anxiety and insistence always backfires so maybe I should just go with that for once and hand him the reins. No insisting he eats peas etc. So I could put out pasta, sauce, veg of a couple of different types, buffet style, and the family can take what they want with no comment about what anyone else is eating. I could stop plating up and just see what happens. Is that mad? What if he only takes plain pasta forever?

It's worth a go, maybe if he feels he can pick from whatever plate an how much then it will take any pressure off him with feeling like he has to eat what's on his plate that's been put down to him, but if you feel he's only going to go for one plate then get coloured paper for under the plates an say he needs to pick X amount of colours but he can choose them