'Jealous' sister

[BettyCrockerr]

She most likely IS jealous of you. But it’s nothing to do with you. Before you came along, your sister was the only child; she would have naturally been given all the attention, all the praise, all the love because she was an only child. Then when she’s 10 years old - her baby sister is born. A baby who as far as she is concerned, is now getting ALL the attention, all the love. She probably felt ignored, pushed out. So she’s grown up feeling that resentment towards you and now even as adults it probably kills her to hear anything about you - other people complimenting you or praising you because it brings up those old feeling from when you were kids.

you have two choices here; you can try to talk to her about it and air out how her behaviour makes you feel but as you’ve said shes unlikely to take that particularly well and it may end up doing more harm than good OR you can take the high road; accept that her jealousy is a result of her not accepting her baby sister when you were children and that it’s HER baggage and not yours and potentially distancing yourself from her to avoid her making you feel like this. You are an adult in your own right and you should be allowed to feel proud of your achievements and success without her throwing shade at you. I’d also put a firm end to her angling to know what you get paid; it’s none of her business whatsoever and she needs to understand that you are a grown adult I your own right with a personal life that has absolutely nothing to do with her and that she has no right to question you over.

 

[Clickbait]

I haven’t because I wouldn’t know how. I feel like she wouldn’t react well and would probably say something like I think a lot of myself to believe that she would be jealous of me

There could be a way to frame the conversation that isn’t “I think you’re jealous of me.” For example: “Sometimes you make comments that I feel put me down. I’m not sure you know you’re doing it or that you mean to, but it upsets me when you do. I’ve not said anything at the time but if it happens again should I point it out to you?”

I think you have to allow someone the opportunity to know how you feel and to correct their behaviour. She may not realise, she may harbour jealousy, she may have no filter, she may need to be told she’s being offensive.

 

[krillernew]

My sister and I have over a decade between us – I’m in my early twenties, she’s in her mid-thirties. She sometimes behaves in ways towards me that make her come across as very jealous and bitter. I’ve only just recognised how often she does this and that it’s not a one-off situation, she has always been this way. I’ve just let it continue because she’s my older sister and does a lot for me. One of the major ways she puts me down is by downplaying my achievements in an education/career context. I have always excelled in school because it came quite naturally to me and I graduated from a prestigious university and top of the year. She isn’t naturally bright but does have a good career.

I suppose I am presuming that she is ‘jealous’ and she may not be but all the evidence points towards that.

Some examples include:

• Someone told me “You look so pretty” and she looked at me a gave me the dirtiest look I think I’ve ever received. This has happened on multiple occasions. I think my sister is beautiful and if someone were to compliment her, I would only wholeheartedly agree and cheer her on.
• Her friend said that I’ve got really nice hair and before I could thank her, my sister interjected with “that’s only because it's long.” Her friend and I exchanged this awkward look and I felt awful. There have been identical situations with this same friend.
• She gives dirty looks and appears uninterested when others are complimenting my achievements. Honestly, strangers and distant relatives have been happier/kinder about my accomplishments than she has.
• She badgers me about my salary and when I refuse to tell her (because it will cause a whole host of other issues) she gets annoyed and becomes very cold.

This all feels very petty as I’m typing it out, but it's genuinely hurting me. I love her… she’s my sister and I visit her quite often. I just can’t continue feeling this way.

Can anyone please shed some light on the situation? Has anyone experienced something similar to this and how did you handle it?

 

[Babyyoda88]

She sounds like absolute brat, can’t believe she’s still acting like that in her 30s. I’m sorry you’ve got to be made to feel like this, what a horrible, unnecessary situation to be put in.

 

[Bleurghgram]

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this, sibling relationships can be so hard! There’s a 10 year age gap between my sister and me but when I was born she was so excited to help take care of me that she’s always been like a second mum.

I do however have a similar situation with my brother, who’s the middle sibling and who will openly tell me (even now in his 30s) that he hates me because I took his parents away when he was 7. He remembers life before me and he can’t move past the resentment. It’s meant we’ve always had a horrible dynamic and when I was young I didn’t really understand that I hadn’t done anything wrong.

As others have said, it’s a her problem and absolutely no reflection on you. Unfortunately I don’t think she’ll ever get over it without you addressing how hurtful you find her comments. Next time it happens I’d call her out on it and then perhaps put some distance between you so she can hopefully consider how hurtful you find her behaviour.

Sending you lots of love from another unfairly treated youngest sibling

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I agree. She has mentioned how she didn’t like me when I was born. Fair enough, she was a young child. I still don’t think that warrants such behaviour

I agree. It absolutely doesn’t warrant the continued behaviour, but like I say - this shit us HER baggage. It’s her shit. Not yours. All you can do is accept it as part of who she is and that unfortunately it plays a role in the dynamic between the two of you now as adults - but that you are now an adult in your own right and you can control how you react and how you decide to spend time with her and what you do & say. If she asks to know what you earn for example you just tell her she’s out of line and that it’s none of her business.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Sibling relationships can be so difficult and people genuinely wonder why I don’t want children.

it’s not you, it’s her, she’s the one with a problem and honestly, you didn’t choose to be born, so she needs to grow up and move past it…

I have two older half sisters, they are 7 and 10 years older than me and they are my dad’s children, I’ve never lived with them. The younger one was 7 when I was born and she’s hated me from the beginning. She was my dad’s favourite (still is) and I think she was jealous. Her mum wasn’t in her life and I think she was also jealous that I had a mum.

she used to hit me, control me, call me names and honestly she bullied me from the beginning and my dad did nothing to stop it. He always favoured her and he didn’t hide it, yet she still hated me.

I ended up having a huge argument with her when I was 18, we haven’t spoken since and my dad cut me out of his life because of it. I’m happier for it though, they were both toxic.

 

[Warpaint]

Maybe just visit less and keep the relationship on a cool superficial level until she gets over herself.

 

[krillernew]

It still stands; she was the eldest, the oldest girl. Then when she was 10, a new baby girl is born into the family. She is jealous of you, because you were the youngest and you were the baby girl of the family. You may not think your parents praised you as such but I can promise you, to her, you came along and robbed her of your parents attention l.

I agree. She has mentioned how she didn’t like me when I was born. Fair enough, she was a young child. I still don’t think that warrants such behaviour

 

[Phoenix Lazarus]

Sometimes I'm really glad I'm an only child.

 

[Raininvain]

Total jealousy, if someone is being repeatedly very nasty then it tends to be jealousy. I'd just ask her why she is being so nasty all the time and give her examples she cant get out of etc. Tell her to pack it in, if she doesn't then I'd just distance myself like the others have said and not have much to do with her. You don't have to put up with nastiness.
Also, how much you earn is your business alone. Just tell her its a private matter if you don't want to tell her to mind her own business outright.
My Grandmas sister was very jealous of her and even cut up her wedding dress in the wardrobe before the wedding!

 

[Chatty9]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I think most people's first reaction is that we're reading too much into it or they don't mean it because they're family. I'm here to validate that you're not imagining it.

Unfortunately for me, things haven't changed. I have discussed it with my therapist and we've come to the conclusion that she may not feel fulfilled in her life hence she projects those feelings onto me. It's very hurtful because I only want the best for her and I'm extremely supportive but I have to accept that it won't be reciprocated.

I understand how you feel! I also want that 'proper' sister relationship. I have found some healing in friends who have been fully supportive and genuinely happy about the good things that happen in my life. So for that, I am very grateful. I hope the same for you. You'll be surprised how genuine, supportive and kind people can be. It's difficult to imagine when you don't receive it from your own flesh and blood but there are some good eggs out there. Wishing you the best

Aw what a lovely message. That means alot thank you.
I am also thinking of going to get some therapy for this and a few other life experiences recently including the death of my Dad. I agree, I am trying to move forward by putting my time and energy into my friendships rather than trying to create a 'proper' sister relationship. For whatever reason, she doesn't want it. Like you, I love her very much and have only always wanted the best for her. It's sad but life is not a fairytale unfortunately

 

[krillernew]

I just saw this thread as I was doing a search for jealous friend! How did things work out? I always thought I was imagining my sisters jealousy, my mum would always defend her. Anyway about 10 years ago I found online posts from her on a forum similar to this where she had posted absolute full on lies about me and my husband. She had listed all the things we were jealous about of her and hubby. I dont mean to sound nasty but she doesn't have anything I aspire to have. I'm happy with my own life, family etc Anyway it just showed me how she viewed herself in relation to me and others. She was always sweet to my face. Some people are just consumed by jealousy and have narcissistic traits. I keep the relationship now know a superficial level which is sad for me as I'd love a proper sister relationship but I've realised you can't force these things unfortunately

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I think most people's first reaction is that we're reading too much into it or they don't mean it because they're family. I'm here to validate that you're not imagining it.

Unfortunately for me, things haven't changed. I have discussed it with my therapist and we've come to the conclusion that she may not feel fulfilled in her life hence she projects those feelings onto me. It's very hurtful because I only want the best for her and I'm extremely supportive but I have to accept that it won't be reciprocated.

I understand how you feel! I also want that 'proper' sister relationship. I have found some healing in friends who have been fully supportive and genuinely happy about the good things that happen in my life. So for that, I am very grateful. I hope the same for you. You'll be surprised how genuine, supportive and kind people can be. It's difficult to imagine when you don't receive it from your own flesh and blood but there are some good eggs out there. Wishing you the best

 

[testingonetwothreefoiur]

Sounds like old fashioned sibling rivalry and almost definitely about her own childhood baggage and feelings of resentment when you came along.

I'll give a perspective from an older sister: I did some therapy a few years ago and unpacked similar feelings of resentment I've had towards my younger sister for most of my life. In my case, it came from a few childhood things that were quite complex: a very high achieving parent with extreme academic expectations from her children, coupled with a major family trauma involving another sibling when we were teenagers. My youngest sibling was always the classic "youngest child", extroverted, very loud and vocal about her needs and wants with my parents. As the middle sibling I was more self sufficient, quiet and introverted. The child with fewer demands on them. What ultimately happened was she got a hell of a lot of support from my parents during a really difficult time and thereafter: while I forged my own path in life and didn't rely on my family for anything. I missed out on a lot of parenting and nurturing and on having a relationship with my parents beyond surface-level. That really hurt me. It continues to hurt me to this day.

Fast forward 20 years and I suddenly began to realise all of these feelings and where they came from through working through my childhood stuff. It's deeply shameful to realise you feel this way about your own flesh and blood. Feelings are feelings, they're hard to change so my strategy has been to create a boundary with my sister and show up for her in whatever way I can. I don't make the snide comments, never did, but I also realise it's toxic to feel this way towards someone and not fair on her. Over time, they've gotten less intense - doing therapy, coupled with making some positive life changes so that I'm happier with who I am and where I am, helped with that. Your sister might never change though, she might be aware of how she treats you, she might not, but she certainly won't be able to control it without consciously working through her unresolved stuff - most people don't do this work.

So my advice would be to create a boundary with your sister. Manage your expectations - she can't, and is unlikely to ever, show up in the way that you'd like her to as a supportive older sister. Forgive her for that if you can. And let go of the idea that she might suddenly change.

 

[krillernew]

I do however have a similar situation with my brother, who’s the middle sibling and who will openly tell me (even now in his 30s) that he hates me because I took his parents away when he was 7. He remembers life before me and he can’t move past the resentment. It’s meant we’ve always had a horrible dynamic and when I was young I didn’t really understand that I hadn’t done anything wrong.

This is so perfectly put, thank you so much. I also have this exact same relationship with my brother (also the middle child) and he's always treated me awfully and even used to beat me up (we have a 5 year age gap.) I spent a lot of my childhood, early teens, and even adulthood wondering what I did to make him detest me so much. I just wanted my brother to like me! I think this is the reason that I cling to the relationship with my sister despite how she treats me because I don't want to have estranged relationships with two of my siblings.

Also sending you all the love and kindness

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Just to clarify, we have two brothers in between us. I haven’t witnessed her treating my brothers this way. My parents never praised me at all so it’s not like she had that to be jealous about

It still stands; she was the eldest, the oldest girl. Then when she was 10, a new baby girl is born into the family. She is jealous of you, because you were the youngest and you were the baby girl of the family. You may not think your parents praised you as such but I can promise you, to her, you came along and robbed her of your parents attention l.

 

[Chatty9]

I just saw this thread as I was doing a search for jealous friend! How did things work out? I always thought I was imagining my sisters jealousy, my mum would always defend her. Anyway about 10 years ago I found online posts from her on a forum similar to this where she had posted absolute full on lies about me and my husband. She had listed all the things we were jealous about of her and hubby. I dont mean to sound nasty but she doesn't have anything I aspire to have. I'm happy with my own life, family etc Anyway it just showed me how she viewed herself in relation to me and others. She was always sweet to my face. Some people are just consumed by jealousy and have narcissistic traits. I keep the relationship now know a superficial level which is sad for me as I'd love a proper sister relationship but I've realised you can't force these things unfortunately

 

[Shutterbug99]

Yeah, she is jealous! Think about it: There's a ten year age gap between you two. When you were a kid, she was the one getting the compliments on how she looked etc. Now you are in your early twenties, you are the one getting the compliments that used to belong to her! Also, she's in her mid-thirties so probably conscious that she no longer looks as youthful as she once did - while you are in your 'best years'. It's a shame that she can't keep her jealous thoughts to herself though and just be happy for you. It's her problem - not yours. Maybe it's something that will fade as you both get older. I hope this is not the long-term dynamic between you and your sister. That would be a shame.

I'm not sure on confronting her about it: She may be embarrassed or angry that her jealousy is so obvious and bear even more resentment towards you for confronting her with the fact. Then again, it might be the wake up call she needs to keep her negative reactions towards you in check. How do you thin she would react if you brought it up with her? ETA: I've just seen you've already talked about this upthread.

I have a similar age-gap with my sister. I am the older sister. I was the one who always received the compliments on how I looked - until one day (at a wedding) she got the compliments. It says something that I remember the exact day. It was a turning point. Did it hurt? Yeah, it did, but I also remember telling my sister that she looked great that day. It's a shame your sister can't do the same for you. Hopefully things will get better in time.

 

[krillernew]

I think you have to allow someone the opportunity to know how you feel and to correct their behaviour. She may not realise, she may harbour jealousy, she may have no filter, she may need to be told she’s being offensive.

I completely agree. Now that I think back, I have responded with an "ouch" or "what did you mean by that?" a few times and she has responded with a "you're taking it too seriously, you can't even take a joke" or "you're being too sensitive." So I feel like I have perhaps expressed how that behaviour hurts me. Maybe I am being too sensitive and I'm happy for you all to tell me so I can move on from this lol

 

[krillernew]

Also you say that she does a lot for you,maybe she is fed up with doing that but feels that cant say? If your now in your 20s and earn a good wage, do you really need her for help? You haven't said what shes doing exactly but could you do whatever it is yourself? or pay someone if that's appropriate instead?

It’s never been things I’ve asked her to do but I’m grateful regardless. She would attend my medical appointments and parents’ evenings if my parents weren’t available. She’s a generous person and I make sure to also buy her gifts to show my appreciation and because I want to. I’ve never asked her for money. She will offer to pay when we eat out and so do I so we end up either halving or we pay alternately. I appreciate all these things and I always tell her how thankful I am. I have returned the favour as much I could like when she was pregnant I stayed with her for a whole month and did all the cooking and cleaning around her house. That’s a bit of insight into what I meant when she does a lot for me.