Well, looky here. Another cheeky little duo. This time it’s my sci-fi loving chum @blurstoftimes and yours truly. Thanks for your words, Blurst - never a truer word spoken. 66 reactions 
Recap of thread #87
Recap of thread #87
- Please go to her monetised website, she needs to close her rent–salary deficit.
- She’s not going to move house until she finds her ‘forever home’. Too many books, too much crockery and too much COTSWOLD.
- Her patreons have increased.
- She takes photos of her food on the floor of her porch. Good light + bad food = unappetising photos.
- Ever the social and political correspondent from Southend (thanks Silver), she put the possibility of a nationwide lockdown and its key instrumental figures to rights over a breakfast of ‘oats, espresso and outrage fatigue’.
- She’s created a poll: Should she bring lockdown larder back? Hell yes or please, god, no?
- Lil Uzi Hurt (@lostblackboy), the digital storytelling editor whose wish to read the work of a ‘food reporter who grew up on food stamps’ was the catalyst for her first tentative steps in conquering the US of A ... no longer follows her. Alongside perhaps 500 of his countrymen and women.
- She doesn’t like to photograph cheap white bread because it looks like it’s ‘tired of her tit’. Cheap white bread for prime minister.
- She produced an abomination of a sandwich consisting of eggs, radishes and stuff and more of that enduring anchoïade. Sandwich of screams, more like.
- Our resident Cotswold furniture archivist @Montrachet has provided a tot up here.
- She’s in a ‘tight spot’ and needs to ‘hustle’. Therefore, she’s thinking of selling her framed photographs for the run-up to Christmas. Please register your non-obligated interest. Speaking for the cabal as a whole, Jack - if you aren’t going to give Celery, Edinburgh its time in the sun, then it’s a no from us.
- She will ‘literally slice butter cold and eat it as a snack’. Jack, that’s skeevy.
- She unlocked her Twitter ... again. All the more people able to view her specific type of je ne sais quoi.
- How dare the media contest that food has never been cheaper, this self-professed ‘little weirdo’ has nine years’ worth of shopping receipts printed out and filed. YAWN.
- She doesn’t want to be featured in the Daily Mail’s sidebar of shame for the lack of real marble surfaces in her home. Methinks she doth protest too much.
- She’s got a lot of bleeping radios and they’re all set to different stations, cos the bungalow’s so sprawling and she’s lucky enough to have an outdoor space.
- Please fill in any of her bullshit that I have missed. I am at my bullshit recording quota
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For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
*** JACKISMS ***
Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
Yes, absolutely x
Some other favourite Jack quotes:
‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’
One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now duck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to duck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
Also:
- She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
- She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
- Her dad's a bleeping LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
- Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
- Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
- She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
- During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
- The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.
We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
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People crowdfund for so many important causes, particularly now with so many charities and industries struggling immensely because of the pandemic. She can afford one of these if she really wants one. In fact, she could get 3 for the price of her Roberts Radio! Anyway, if she couldn't afford it, she can just do what the rest of us fo - save up for it!