Jack Monroe #68 Take a day off mate, seriously

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to @Petelgeuse on your first thread title! 52 reactions

Special mention to @Alansbigplate for Diagnosis: Collection 2000. This had a lot of reactions, but I wasn’t sure if it was a thread title suggestion.


Recap of thread #67

Oh dear, what can the matter be?She proved us all wrong with photos from A & E

1. Well, she went to the hospital. And was given a lollipop CAT scan and eye patch for her woes. She’s not going to post any more selfies until it heals (or she pushes the boat out for some next day delivery yellow and green snazaroo).
2. She posted a collage of photos to prove that she was in triage, with the tender caption of ‘Here you go. Now get fucked.’ Must have been the gas and air talking, she’s usually so mild mannered.
3. She couldn’t really see out of her right eye but still took a pile of work books (Twitter and Tattle), because Jack Monroe is ALWAYS working.
4. Hallelujah, she got a version of ‘Oh, no. What’s up, hun? I’ll DM you?’ from her ‘mom’. So, it was all worth it.
5. In addition to cabal and coven, we can possibly also add ‘conspiracy wankers’ and ‘obsessive group of completely unhinged bullies’ to the loving terms of endearment bestowed on us by Jack.
6. Praise beans, her eye socket was not fractured, just ‘bashed’. It’s still very sore though, ok? And purple and red and yellow - basically all the colours of the rainbow.
7. Despite having to cut her sandwiches into twenty tiny squares earlier in the day, she ‘hoofed’ a packet of cheap sliced white when she got home from the hospital.
8. She went to the park today with her son and posted a completely candid and natural shot of their backs. Real question is, who took the photo?
9. She’s watching Supermarket Sweep. What about the book, Jack? What about the conference?
10. Too late, she’s BUSY criticising the appearance of food bank donation boxes and calling them ‘props’. Once again, she is failing to see the bigger picture, but at least Rylan is attempting to explain this to the sulky toddler in her yellow macintosh. #teamrylan
11. She’s 5’ 1.7”.
12. She back-pedalled faster than a swan on ice and contradicted everything she’d said earlier about food bank donation boxes used as props. You know what, she loves Rylan and she loves Supermarket Sweep, so absolutely get fucked.

Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack v Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread no 31 is the infamous thread on which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on page 17.

For anyone wanting to re-live the glory days of her 2 week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL): Threads 2-9

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’

‘I did a chaos’

‘My maverick brain’

‘My sad little face’

‘I’m BUSY’

‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’

‘I laughed up a lung’

One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. *She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts)*

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time.

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that.

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now duck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to duck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

Also:

• She grew up in a 5 bed (mortgaged/owned) house
• She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st
• Her dad's a bleeping LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
• Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
• Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
• She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
• During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’

Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

 

[Quincy M.E (retired)]

I'm reading in real time Cabal. REAL TIME!!!!

 

[Petelgeuse]

Thankyou Canal, I'm honoured.

 

[Prudejude]

When are we going to see the eye ? My guess is tomorrow and she will say she uses the make up tips from twitter. Hence it looks normal.

 

[Oofadoofa]

@Pocahontas great write-up, as ever. How on earth do you manage to knock up something so concise and funny so quickly? It’s very impressive...

 

[Alansbigplate]

Congratulations to @Petelgeuse on your first thread title! 52 reactions

Special mention to @Alansbigplate for Diagnosis: Collection 2000. This had a lot of reactions, but I wasn’t sure if it was a thread title suggestion.


Recap of thread #67

Oh dear, what can the matter be?She proved us all wrong with photos from A & E

1. Well, she went to the hospital. And was given a lollipop CAT scan and eye patch for her woes. She’s not going to post any more selfies until it heals (or she pushes the boat out for some next day delivery yellow and green snazaroo).
2. She posted a collage of photos to prove that she was in triage, with the tender caption of ‘Here you go. Now get fucked.’ Must have been the gas and air talking, she’s usually so mild mannered.
3. She couldn’t really see out of her right eye but still took a pile of work books (Twitter and Tattle), because Jack Monroe is ALWAYS working.
4. Hallelujah, she got a version of ‘Oh, no. What’s up, hun? I’ll DM you?’ from her ‘mom’. So, it was all worth it.
5. In addition to cabal and coven, we can possibly also add ‘conspiracy wankers’ and ‘obsessive group of completely unhinged bullies’ to the loving terms of endearment bestowed on us by Jack.
6. Praise beans, her eye socket was not fractured, just ‘bashed’. It’s still very sore though, ok? And purple and red and yellow - basically all the colours of the rainbow.
7. Despite having to cut her sandwiches into twenty tiny squares earlier in the day, she ‘hoofed’ a packet of cheap sliced white when she got home from the hospital.
8. She went to the park today with her son and posted a completely candid and natural shot of their backs. Real question is, who took the photo?
9. She’s watching Supermarket Sweep. What about the book, Jack? What about the conference?
10. Too late, she’s BUSY criticising the appearance of food bank donation boxes and calling them ‘props’. Once again, she is failing to see the bigger picture, but at least Rylan is attempting to explain this to the sulky toddler in her yellow macintosh. #teamrylan
11. She’s 5’ 1.7”.
12. She back-pedalled faster than a swan on ice and contradicted everything she’d said earlier about food bank donation boxes used as props. You know what, she loves Rylan and she loves Supermarket Sweep, so absolutely get fucked.

Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack v Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread no 31 is the infamous thread on which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on page 17.

For anyone wanting to re-live the glory days of her 2 week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL): Threads 2-9

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’

‘I did a chaos’

‘My maverick brain’

‘My sad little face’

‘I’m BUSY’

‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’

‘I laughed up a lung’

One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. *She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts)*

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time.

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that.

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now duck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to duck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

Also:

• She grew up in a 5 bed (mortgaged/owned) house
• She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st
• Her dad's a bleeping LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
• Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
• Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
• She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
• During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’

Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

Not a title suggestion it was just an unexpected butterfly

Well done again princess

 

[Scarletfever]

When are we going to see the eye ? My guess is tomorrow and she will say she uses the make up tips from twitter. Hence it looks normal.

She's already mentioned that arnica is working well ... though also saying her eye is yellow and red and purple ...

WHICH IS IT?

 

[xoxo]

I got some screenshots of the MN thread before it got zapped (probably not all of it though) Am I allowed to post them here?

 

[ChickenPorridge]

When are we going to see the eye ? My guess is tomorrow and she will say she uses the make up tips from twitter. Hence it looks normal.

Yup, she's laid the groundwork by saying the arnica is working for her.

 

[Scarletfever]

Yup, she's laid the groundwork by saying the arnica is working for her.

She's so cunning!

 

[Pocahontas]

@Pocahontas great write-up, as ever. How on earth do you manage to knock up something so concise and funny so quickly? It’s very impressive...

Haha, I’m a big geek and start writing it from about p. 45. Wouldn’t be able to do it without the aid of our librarians Marmalade, Silver and Mrs Ogre, to name but a few!

 

[Pigman]

@Walkdengirl thread closed while we were putting the chickens to bed - thank you for the offer of help and we are so excited to hear that someone else loves their ooni! Ours won't be here until the end of this month so I am miming with imaginary semolina...

 

[Breakdance Badass]

Just thinking if Jackie showed us via a pic what her eye was like we could suggest the best cover up for it....?

 

[Falkor]

Pocahontas' recap has got me wondering again about something in the last thread - why 20 pieces? That's 5 x 4. The obvious way to cut a sandwich into tiny squares is 16, cut it into quarters and then each quarter into a quarter. Five equal cuts down one side is much harder.

 

[Alansbigplate]

@Pocahontas great write-up, as ever. How on earth do you manage to knock up something so concise and funny so quickly? It’s very impressive...

I suspect that unlike Jack our princess takes careful notes to save herself time later on

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

Brilliant recap as always @Pocahontas, congratulations on the thread title @Petelgeuse

 

[Candytuft]

Yup, she's laid the groundwork by saying the arnica is working for her.

And it’s shiny.

 

[Alansbigplate]

She's already mentioned that arnica is working well ... though also saying her eye is yellow and red and purple ...

WHICH IS IT?

the eye IS red and yellow and pink and green TODAY but it will be all arnica’d TOMORROW capiche? Now duck off!

 

[NellieBoo]

Hush now, silly purple squiggle.

 

[Pocahontas]

I suspect that unlike Jack our princess takes careful notes to save herself time later on

Nail on the head. Princess Tattle Geek

Ooh, she is a cunning fox. So if she’s been using arnica cream, and has alllll the make-up, this will explain the magic disappearance of her bruise, won’t it? She thinks everyone is an idiot for believing such rubbish.