Jack Monroe #198 Marcus! Marcus! Marcus!

[traumatised sideboard]

For the thread title we must thank the triumvirate of @Peeky_Mink for the idea, @lilamay for the execution and @Hollaaa for the nomination. Your prize is a triple egg extravaganza: cod roe, quail egg and snake egg all mashed up to the point of indeterminance. Perfect spread on toast with a spoon, but only if you have a toaster. You'll know if you do or not, it will say TOASTER on the side.

In the last thread:

- her website issue was fixed, praise beans! It's open season on slop lads, fill your boots.
- claims to have pulled Crunchy Nut-coated chicken out of her ADHD puppy brain. Needless to say she stole it from somewhere else.
- is definitely no longer vegan but refuses to be drawn into discussion about it due to the large amount of abuse she gets over it on the hellsite
- yet to be fully confirmed by Jack saying 'I'M NOT BACK' but she appeared to be fully back over the weekend to prove she is a woman of the people and enjoys watching the kickyball like what all the working class poors do.
- she speculated that her patented method of folding and putting away her underwear led to England scoring.
- she embarked on an excruciating and fatally embarrassing campaign of attempting to get Marcus Rashford's attention, shamelessly exploiting the racist abuse he has sadly been receiving to increase her own relevance. At time of publication, this has completely failed.
- like a volcano she has now mercifully gone dormant so we reminisced about our favourite Jackisms, of which there are many.

 

[Pocahontas]

Hi!

Don’t cry for me, sweet Louisa,
The truth is, you went and left me,
All through my eggs phase
My fish persistence
I kept your engagement ring
Don’t keep my Brexit tins

Bye!

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

I knew someone whose oven broke one Xmas day so they cooked the turkey in the dishwasher.

This thread is the best thing that’s happened all pandemic - whomst amongst us would sample dishwasher turkey?

for yes
for no

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

2.38 PM on Sunday. Thirst trap bikini shot with some kind of "It's a bit hot isn't it?" caption.

Also, a year ago today...

View attachment 666333

Truly a defining "WTAF" period.

”I have bought plants for my apartment" will never not be funny.

For anyone not around at the time, she bought potted basil for her hotel room.

 

[MaineCoonMama]

Adding that jack Monroe's network bandwidth is low to the wiki

I can't find the screenshot right now, but remember when she did the whole "my son broke my mum of the year award and was distraught, but I told him.." I think we all know this too unbelievable even for a hallmark movie tweet ended

Here it is

 

[MancBee]

Oooooooo musical time. I love a singalong to a musical. Can it please include this little ditty. It is slightly influenced by La Cage aux Folles and the lovely Gloria Gaynor.

The curtain rises, the stage is in darkness, a single spotlight bursts onto the stage where Ruby Rose appears wearing a badly fitting Viv (RIP) gown. She is sat atop a Cotswold sideboard rummaging through a pile of cheap wigs. She turns her face to the audience and after a 20 minutes monologue about her poverty and how she is facing her fears, she bursts into a quivering voiced rendition of her signature tune whilst jabbing her finger on a keyboard precariously balanced beside her...

I am what I am
I want lots of praise, I want lots of pity
I'm a single mum
Some think I'm shit, I think I'm gritty
And so what if I love myself and my life's a scandal
I'll carry on grifting I'm exploiting every angle
My food's not worth a dam, though I shout out
I'll open this can

I am what I am
And what I am needs loads of excuses
I've got a brass neck
I alter my face, I paint on some bruises
It's my life so I'll show the cabal my grey gusset
My life and if I want to, I'll discuss it
My food's not worth a damn, so the cabal all shout out
"Jack's life is a sham"

 

[kachoochoo]

@kachoochoo ??

(no snark intended and I'm not bored of using it dear heart @Django this just popped into my head so I had to make it )

 

[Raver_Bear]

I have been thinking of my favourite ‘jackisms’ and I have found it impossible to choose just ONE. So here is my top three
- celery. Edinburgh/taking a photo with her tongue
- the £20 a week shop and how performative it was
- ‘you can’t price recipes in pence! You can’t buy 2ps worth of cheese! This doesn’t help’ and then proceeded to write her recipes with such pricing as ‘cheese: 2p’

However, I think a special mention of her story about singing ‘common people’ at The Ivy has to said because it is such an obvious lie.. and it makes me and every time I think of it.

 

[ScamSandwich]

Very late to the party and totally OT but I just remembered another favourite Jack moment, which was actually a coven moment:
One Frau had once again succesfully triangulated an item that Jack had purchased and pasted the John Lewis link into the thread. When I looked at it I was a bit behind due to grunking but John Lewis had a note on the item that it was currently trending high because x amount of people had just viewed it. A quick cross-check revealed that the number was nearly identical to the amount of Frauen and Herren who had been active on the thread.
I laughed so hysterically in the middle of the night that...the cat declared it the best joke ever.

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Vegan toe
In the snow
Oh no
Eat cod roe
Many egg
For foot and leg
Serve in dish
With lot of fish
It save the toe
Egg cooked slow


-Jack Monroe
Writer, author, consultant, cook, UK's #1 budget recipe blogger, arthritis, ADHD, double doctor

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

Great tip

(I thought I'd add some excitement with colourful squiggles)

 

[PortiaControl]

This one still makes me HOOT

 

[Nottonightbabe]

View attachment 675694II hope someone replies with Musical Theatre!

Ah she's bang on time

 

[ChickenPorridge]

What about a small moment of silence for all the hashtags that never quite caught on. Suppernanny, thrifty shades, the thunderclap and this absolute belter:

 

[schmetterling]

Whaaat? You can write an article about an issue without a 5000 word essay on how you’ve had it worse than anyone?

I was looking for the awful skirt photos and came across some vintage Jack chaos. Sober one week and she’s preaching to everyone. The stand outs for me include the claim she worked in a bar, cafe and the fire service at the same time, the mystery illness that was being diagnosed in 2019, and blaming friends for being enablers.

My name is Jack Monroe, and I’m an alcoholic. But now I’m recovering… - A hangover free life

From the week-end papers: My name is Jack Monroe, and I am an alcoholic. I said those words out loud to myself 10 days ago, waking up after yet another binge with a friend, watching Richard Curtis films until 4am, mixing cocktails and bitching about work until we passed out on the sofa. My life...

ahangoverfreelife.com

TW addiction/substance abuse

Jack’s sobriety story and uneven timeline always makes me very uneasy. I have a huge amount of empathy for anyone in active addiction or recovery. I have a lot of close friends who have gone through quite extreme situations and an addictive personality and history with substance misuse myself. I hope Jack is happy and comfortable in her sobriety and has the support she needs.

However - she has made some claims which in my opinion could be very dangerous if you were looking to her as an aspirational figure and struggling with substance abuse, particularly alcoholism. She’s tricky with her words but more or less implied (as I read it anyway) that she went out with a bang, had one last bender and then immediately went cold turkey. I think in another article she claims she was drinking 200 units a week. To quit drinking that amount of alcohol without any kind of tapering plan or rehab facility is at best going to land you in hospital with some very severe withdrawal symptoms and at worst could actually be fatal. I find it quite difficult to believe that seven days after going cold turkey off 200 units/weekly she would be writing articles for the Guardian and posing, cup of tea in hand. Maybe she was drinking less heavily than she claimed or tapered and didn’t disclose that information, but in that case I feel like there ought to be some sort of disclaimer included about the dangers of going cold turkey and withdrawal symptoms. Sorry if this is a bit heavy for a Sunday, it just bugs me when I read her various sobriety timelines.

 

[MancBee]

It is indeed a lovely shitty bungalow (with stairs)

It really is a lovely bungalow with stairs....however, in my opinion it looks like an old person lives there. The furniture, the pictures and ornaments placed at regular intervals on the picture rail high shelf, the fake electric woodburner, the overly tasteful John Lewis styled Christmas tree. All a bit middle class mumsy look to me.

I wouldn't think anyone lived there that thought they were in any way unconventional and edgy. It is reminiscent of a Woman's Weekly Christmas special centre spread.

 

[Alansbigplate]

 

[Alansbigplate]

I confess to being a rubbish detective on these threads when trying to find anything, can somebody kindly resurrect the gif of mackie as carmen Miranda which also included Matt of the forearms? No doubt @Alansbigplate has it filed in a lever arch.

no not that one…

ah yes, here it is:

 

[traumatised sideboard]

Let us not forget the ultimate fate of flooflebot. If you can't use Pythagoras on it, it's not a proper bot. It is a false prophet come to seduce you and divert you from the righteous path of the Acute Angle. Beware the curved line for it is the geometrical manifestation of THAT MAN himself who will tempt you with his solid food away from the low and slow Holy Slop. Praise beans.

 

[oopsyoudiditagain]

Hi. Hope you don't mind me butting in.
Came to Tattle after being given the link to a thread on a home IG account that I HAD to comment on as know lots about the dishonest begger who's account it is and then found all this. Have now lost a number of days reading. Fret not though, as time consuming as this has been, unlike Jack, I remembered to care for the cat/cared for child without telling everyone how very difficult it is/didn't ask anyone for financial aid due lack of work caused by scrolling.
Anyhoo, please may I just ask for clarification/full goss on a couple of bits?

The green shit spaghetti. So, they actually admitted that they didn't get the gig because their food was shit? The pasta was undercooked? In a cooking segment where one should surely assume the person cooking knows how to cook what they are cooking? Or did they just claim it to up the Woe is Jack novel?

Tomato soup made from tinned tomato soup? Is that a real thing?

The grey sports bra? May regret asking but WTAF is that about? Did they advertise one or something?

The Vegan business. Are they actually admitting they went Vegan purely to make money from a book?

The curious pic of a 'black eye' I keep seeing? Whats that about? Not very good at applying their makeup?

And then a very quick look on the Twatter tells me -

Off for an x-ray, CT scan, ultrasound scans and steroid injections, so please distract me with your best photos of dogs, cats, quokkas, otters, sunsets, bonus points if you get more than one of the above in the same pic. Thanks!
In Beggy McBeg World, does that translate to "Send me sympathy, cash and gifts?"

And in another quick Twatter peek I see that they intended to drag a 70kg sideboard (plus cat) up a spiral staircase BY THEMSELF. Forgive me and correct me if I am wrong but surely the nature of a spiral would render the act of dragging a large rectangular object up it single handedly COMPLETELY FUCKING PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE? Unless you're Arnie and can carry it above your head and even then I think he'd have a bit of a dab on by the time he got to the top. Might need a breather halfway.

Any light that could be shed or links would be much appreciated. Ta.