Jack Monroe #154 The book has furloughed itself

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Catching up on last nights telly box and god damn it if the glorious Nicola Walker isn’t wearing ....
 
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That Guardian video, jeezo! Even our online goodybe parties at work (awkward events at best when happening in real life) are more fun than that!
 
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Oh god, I clicked on the link for the necklace and now all my socials are full of adverts for their shite. What an absolute scam.
Oops, sorry for posting the link. I have such powerful ad-blocking anti-spyware stuff on my computer (from a client who is rightly paranoid about security) that I don't get targeted ads and even Vlad can't triangulate me. At least I assume that's why none of my promised bitcoin has arrived yet.
 
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As part of my job I get to co-host live events 🔺 and this gave me the absolute 😱 why doesn’t the host doesn’t just tell her she’s off screen! Couldn’t watch more than a minute- did she remain faceless throughout?
I’m assuming they couldn’t get around it with Jacks utter incompetence.
 
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Oh nooo 😭

I didn’t join in at the time of the singing vids as I pretended they didn’t exist but WHY would you put those up?! Even if they were a nervousness exercise, the exercise is doing them? Not posting them online for everyone?!! She really thinks she’s dropping an undiscovered previous gift bomb on the world 😭😭😭 Narc 101!!
This 🙈🙈 def thinks she is undiscovered talent
Good morning cabal, had a mini insomnia grunk & thought I had posted this! Pet slop bot 🤖 🥰
Could not manage more than a few mins of the podcast thing, surely you would look at the screen & see your head is cut off!!!! So annoying that such an untalented person keeps on being given all these opportunities
 
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Ooooh, I will definitely be watching that horrific-looking Guardian video. Even better, it's made by Mindshare, who I briefly worked for many years ago 🔺️ and hated, so this will be excellent. 😈
OMG me too! It was awful there. Unilever (Hellmans) are their client so somebody probably got a bollocking for that shambles. Although sticking with her after either of these is a sacking offence....
 
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You may recall a few threads ago after someone re-posted the Jackapella 'Landslide' video that I said I could make an entire song using solely sounds from it if I wanted to give us all nightmares. Well, a seed was sown and I found myself in need of a distraction project this week so I did it. I would call it an arrangement rather than a remix as I've put the words in a more appropriate order for our Slop Princess. Unfortunately we can't get the full effect because the bloody pillock got the lyrics wrong and didn't realise that the final verse isn't the same, it's a variation on the first which would have contained some essential words that I needed.




Please only listen if you're feeling masochistic. It's definitely an improvement on Jack warbling in a hotel bathroom but even Slopbot can't turn her into Stevie Nicks.
do you think Bojrk would cover this , that would be chef's kiss
 
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Watching that video, I assumed she was headless so that she could film what she was actually doing, but nope, you couldn't see that, either. Though given that most of her 'cooking' involved waiting for some pasta to boil, we didn't miss much. Did she learn nothing from This Morning's LINGREENIE with chicken disaster?
In kitchen safety news, I hope she's moved the microwave from the shelf, with the electric cord hanging down in front of the worktops.
And *of course* she doesn't have a favourite vegan restaurant. Even I have a couple of favourite places which serve only vegan food, and I'm not trying to pretend I'm remotely vegan. She orders a mix of side dishes instead because of course she does.
 
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Her parents must have enabled her in some way when she was young. Those singing vids are not good at all. I remember when I was early teens thinking I had a great singing voice. Spoiler alert- I'm completely tone deaf.

I'd strut around the house like Joan Jett until my mum had enough one day and begged me to

"Stop singing in that rotten voice!".

I was pretty upset until I realised she was telling me the truth, I can't sing for tit.

I have a feeling her parents just told her she's the duck's nuts at everything she tried she's never had anyone tell her she's not.

Merci beaucoup Maman, you saved me much embarrassment.
 
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Watching that video, I assumed she was headless so that she could film what she was actually doing, but nope, you couldn't see that, either. Though given that most of her 'cooking' involved waiting for some pasta to boil, we didn't miss much. Did she learn nothing from This Morning's LINGREENIE with chicken disaster?
In kitchen safety news, I hope she's moved the microwave from the shelf, with the electric cord hanging down in front of the worktops.
And *of course* she doesn't have a favourite vegan restaurant. Even I have a couple of favourite places which serve only vegan food, and I'm not trying to pretend I'm remotely vegan. She orders a mix of side dishes instead because of course she does.
How can she have her poncey lights for her tedious selfies (oh, look, bae caught me sleeping), but not sort out the actual tech she needs for videos so that people can see her or what she's doing?
 
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How can she have her poncey lights for her tedious selfies (oh, look, bae caught me sleeping), but not sort out the actual tech she needs for videos so that people can see her or what she's doing?
That's the Jack mystique. She's an idiot wrapped in a moron.
 
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Yes she does do that. Shoulders up by her ears, elbows clenched to sides while waving her hands around. Then the occasional hands on hips power stance and rocking backwards and forwards with inane grin and chuckle for no reason.
There simply must be a way she can improve on this awkward unrelaxing approach. It actually feels mean to comment, but she is making herself so unwatchable. On DKL she seemed proud she never watches cookery programmes, but she really should to see what makes a presenter appealing and watchable.
TV cookery is a real art. Matt is good example of looking busy with his hands, moving and tidying in a calm way. It’s not a bleeping presentation, or a lecture.
 
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That's the Jack mystique. She's an idiot wrapped in a moron.
Because there is nothing Jack does better than publicly state she's an expert on things she knows nothing about in order to fake humble brag.

I have just discovered that one of my new work friends is....connected and knows certain people. When it is safe to do so you better believe we are going out for a drink and I will bring back allllllll of the tea. If there is any of course 😊
 
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