Jack Monroe #131 Mary Sloppins

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Pixieboots

Well-known member
Thanks to @BlendedSlop for the thread title and the many lovely fraus who nominated it.

In our last thread...

- Jack cleaned her kitchen! Unfortunately her nails still contain half a compost heap.
- The shitty bungalow was infested with ghosts.
- She got back on her "tea in risotto" bullshit.
- The recipe for custard cake was unearthed!
- It wasn't a recipe.
- It was a tin of custard folded into a packet of cake mix.
- Did that really need a deep dive into your old books, Jack?
- It's two bloody ingredients.
- We waited for days.
- Two. Sodding. Ingredients.
- Anyway.
- Jack did some random cosplay as Mary Poppins.
- And then did a big old chaos.
- Possibly still dressed as Mary Poppins.
- First she presented another stolen idea as her own.
- And then demanded that journos only talk to her about it.
- She argued with a squiggle.
- And was abominably rude to Marcus Rashford.

[*]
For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

*** JACKISMS ***

Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

Yes, absolutely x

Some other favourite Jack quotes:

‘Babe, same’
‘I did a chaos’
‘My maverick brain’
‘My sad little face’
‘I’m BUSY’
‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
‘I laughed up a lung’

** NEW **
‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.

She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’

As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.

*****

One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

*Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

Also:
  • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
  • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
  • Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
  • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
  • ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
  • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
  • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
  • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
  • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
  • She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.
[*]
Use the pink link tab at the top of the thread to find Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, where you will find all episodes of Daily Kitchen Live.

We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

  • Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.
[*][*]
 

BlendedSlop

Well-known member
Thank you @Pixieboots for popping my title cherry, can I now call myself a FOUNDER? Feels like I've finally made it TBH. I also want to slowly, gently, restfully give a mention to @Terrible for the hilarious "SloppyJackieGoesBallisticHerLiesAreAtrocious" and @Fruitjack for the incredible and apt "Practically vegan in every way." Now fuck off!

I wonder what fresh hell awaits us today? The past 24 hours have reminded me that anything is possible on Planet Jack.
 

jenny2603

VIP Member
So she's dragging up oldish news in an attempt to instigate a pile on?
Not exactly. There does appear to be a real issue with the quality of hampers provided by Chartwells for meals whilst children are homeschooling. So far the company has said that the pictures shared online do not match what should be in the food parcels and have said they will investigate- though they haven't said what should be in the boxes. Schools are only getting an extra £3.50 p/w to feed children. The average weekly spend per child is approx £2.30 for school meals. I suspect the root of it all is the government once again failing to spend on people who need it. Chartwells really need to be pinned down on how much they've received from the government and how they're spending it. At that point we'll know where the blame should properly lie -with the government for setting an unrealistically low budget or Chartwells for raking in excessive profits or a combination of both. However Jack has received 500 DMS, decided that Chartwells get £30 a box and decided to have a go at Marcus Rashford because she's jealous of his considerable achievements. And of course tried to turn a profit off other peoples misery by demanding she be asked to write an article about it.
 

HotesTilaire

VIP Member
Her “investigative team of friends” is basically twitter squiggles. She just takes what they say and passes it on.

Hope her agent calls for a chat again.

She really annoys me because She makes the left look like aggressive bullies. Whoop de doo, sometimes government contracts stink of nepotism. It’s like the head of the sixth form student committee thinking they’ve sniffed out a massive cover up. I’d rather have Rick (he spells it with a silent “p”) from the Young Ones writing poetry about it, she’s that tone deaf she embarrassed me.

Also Jack, the press don’t have anything against tattoos or gays, when they say they don’t think you’re a good “fit” for them, they mean your behaviour, personality and writing is the problem
 
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jenny2603

VIP Member
Her “investigative team of friends” is basically twitter squiggles. She just takes what they say and passes it on.

Hope her agent calls for a chat again.
I really think something has happened with one of her collaborations. She was whining about people contacting her brands before tonight too and seems quite worked up of late. Perhaps her agent has read her the riot act - it can't be much fun having to deal with such a liability.
 

HotesTilaire

VIP Member
I really think something has happened with one of her collaborations. She was whining about people contacting her brands before tonight too and seems quite worked up of late. Perhaps her agent has read her the riot act - it can't be much fun having to deal with such a liability.
I think it’s all LC related. So much bedroom photos, all up in the current affairs of the day, weird dress up and moaning about V Derbyshire being axed. If only LC hadn’t gone to channel 4...
 
Jack doesn't seem to have connected the dots that Chartwell is a school meals supplier that lots of academies and schools etc use as many council's no longer have the council meals services. These crap food parcels are not coming from all schools and that's why provision is varying. I'm a parent of a 7 year old and also a school governor plus I work in a council education related field and am spending hours each day ensuring vulnerable children whether at school or home are safe and well.(🔺) The school I am a governor for is providing packed lunches at home at present, as is my own kid's school because we have limited staff in and we are using resources we have in. There is no safe way for us to split and deliver a catering bag of frozen chips or cook and then portion out the Bolognese for the 180 kids eligible for the meals and then deliver it. We also subscribe to FareShare and deliver food parcels to our families because a large number are asylum seekers and on really really low incomes. (Wonder how many of those Jack plans on interviewing)

The voucher scheme isn't up and running again yet and it looks like EdenRed will be doing it again. Nobody's has stolen all the Aldi vouchers Jack and not delivered what was promised. It's not Kickstarter, there is some degree of accountability and at least Chartwell have responded.
 
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