Jack Monroe #128 Just eat the custard

[Pocahontas]

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Lady Jack
Why you cry
You can’t claim for SEISS
And you know why
You also lie
So lady Jack
Don’t cry
Why
Tho.

 

[blurstoftimes]

thread title because it's too wonderful not to be immortalised:

Jack, could we have a quick chat?

 

[CabalofBolorneaise]

A response to her tweet about SBs dad

 

[Marmalade Atkins]

 

[Alansbigplate]

That selfie belongs in the Princess Di Facebook group.

 

[Silver Linings]

 

[traumatised sideboard]

The oracle has spoken, lads.

 

[jenny2603]

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So don’t mention her at all! Duh.

"Killing myself, working to my bones".

Is that intended to be humour? Go and tell a nurse, shop assistant, police officer, warehouse operative paramedic, care worker, refuse worker, outreach worker, doctor, security guard, bus driver, train driver, transport worker, sewerage worker, delivery driver and any of the other people who have got up and put themselves at risk throughout this pandemic to keep things going. There are folk on minimum wage getting on public transport everyday to go and do their job putting themselves and their families at risk from picking up Covid and that lying, lazy no talent rolls about at home all day claiming to be worked to the bone. Her job contributes nothing to society and that's fine, lots of jobs are nice to have but wouldn't really be missed in the grand scheme of things beyond the tax they contribute. However she continually presents herself as providing a service and in some way helping people. She's lazy, grifting middle class trash with a gross sense of entitlement and literally nothing to offer beyond being a laughable clown.

 

[colouredlines]

#publishingpaidme is about racism you privileged twat!

Your advances are low because you rush out quick, poor quality books (4 since 2018) that don't sell well, because your idea of a good meal is a pot noodle with peanut butter.

 

[LeftToMyOwnDevices]

Squiggle has seen the light...

 

[TillyMiffin]

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Do you know what?! FUCK OFF you VILE CHARLATAN! Try being a single parent to 3 kids under 12, one with autism, being forced into sending them into school during a pandemic, teaching a class of 17 non social distanced kids! Terrified I’ll catch covid and take it home to my kids! Terrified to complain to leadership team in case I rock the boat! One payday away from losing my home, no savings, suffer with PTSD and anxiety, violent ex... shall I go on?! God I thought I couldn’t hate this specimen any more but my god!!! As if anyone would post a photo of themselves crying!! aarrggghghgg!!!!

 

[Pocahontas]

Congratulations to @Walkdengirl for the words and @Alansbigplate for the nomination of them! Your prize: a sharing platter of Jack’s peanut butter and Bombay Bad Boy delight.

Recap of thread #127

1. It’s ‘not her job to provide the answers, it’s her job to provide recipes for beans’.
2. Oh, yay. Lockdownlarder 3. How long will this one last for? And make sure you don’t strip the shelves, y’all. Jack said so.
3. Fun and games at the supermarket for long covid Jack.
4. Can childminders still work in lockdown, cos Jack’s ‘friend’ really wants to know.
5. ‘Glorious glorious autism crossed with local journalism has its uses.’
6. The Queen of Lockdown, she is here.
7. She found some old press cuttings of her as a 24-year-old single mum, for laffs. Never forget her face. ‘She still can’t open [her] own front door most of the time. An unexpected knock sends [her] absolutely feral under the surface.’
8. She’s still recovering from corona. But she’s also still working and available for commissions!
9. She’s branching out to natural cleaning products, seeing as her ‘post-corona tastebuds are up the swanny’.
10. She made her own ... peanut butter?
11. She is the ‘picture of Mary Poppins zen on the outside ... quite quiet and calm in real life.’
12. Single parents, she sees you. Does everyone see her tip jar?
13. Spoiler: Jack for Dummies

    For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):
    
    Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
    Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/
    
    Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.
    
    For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.
    
    *** JACKISMS ***
    
    Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:
    
    Yes, absolutely x
    
    Some other favourite Jack quotes:
    
    ‘Babe, same’
    ‘I did a chaos’
    ‘My maverick brain’
    ‘My sad little face’
    ‘I’m BUSY’
    ‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
    ‘I laughed up a lung’
    
    ** NEW **
    ‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.
    
    She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’
    
    As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.
    
    *****
    
    One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **
    
    To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).
    
    Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *
    
    Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)
    
    We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.
    
    During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.
    
    Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.
    
    Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.
    
    *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*
    
    Also:
    

    • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
    • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
    • Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
    • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
    • ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
    • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
    • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
    • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
    • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
    • She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.

    [*][*]
    Use the pink link tab at the top of the thread to find Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, where you will find all episodes of Daily Kitchen Live.
    
    We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.
    
    

    • Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.

    [*][*]

 

[Tabitha D]

She has a fucking nerve. So manipulative.
Tagging Rishi ( - how INCREDIBLY embarrassing) because she somehow thinks she’s entitled to “support” from the Govt?
Lest we forget, she has a regular ongoing income from book sales and the multiple ads and affiliate links sharted all over her website. There are also the various monetised videos.
Then there’s the 350+ Patreon subscribers, each paying from £3.50 to £44 per month, plus VAT.
And there’s also the tip jar. Always open!
On top of that, since March last year alone she’s earned money from: Hellmann’s (she said that was FIVE FIGURES, by the way, so at least £10,000); DKL (2 weeks of live TV, so I’m guessing considerably more ££ than Hellmann’s); various articles in national papers including the Guardian and the Express; a high-profile article for GQ; various paid appearances at conferences; that TV thing she did with Dr Rupy; radio interviews (including with Claudia Winkleman on Radio 2); and this 6-month contract she has with Del Monte.
She’s certainly been making enough money to make a number of large purchases, plus a very extravagant trip to Edinburgh - First Class sleeper tickets and all.
And that may not be everything.
And yet there she sits in her huge rented chalet bungalow, surrounded by all her expensive furniture and tech, making her pretend crying face, and moaning that she is not getting money from the Govt intended for people who have actually lost out due to the pandemic.
I wish someone would call her out, this is the lowest of the low.

 

[Peeky_Mink]

Her agent has tweeted her asking her to give her a ring.

Screenshot here for anyone who doesn't have Twitter (I assume I don't need to squiggle her as she's her agent and not a random member of the public, but happy to be corrected if people disagree):

 

[NomDeGuerre]

Fair play to her for trying to out-chaos an actual coup attempt in America.

 

[Miss Anne Thrope]

Of course she was. She’s IS rewriting history. She changed her name before she got famous, and certainly didn’t change it because she thought Hadjicostas would be a barrier to a successful writing career because it was “too foreign”.

I always figured she did it because she’s impulsive and personality disordered and constantly trying to reinvent herself. Not to mention the old classic, she wanted to hurt her parents.

Also back in her transgender non binary period she used to rage at being “deadnamed” whenever there was any mention of Melissa Hadjicostas, so it’s pretty ironic that she’s now pretending to regret ditching her surname.

She did change her name before she 'hit the big time' and started getting pieces in the Guardian. SHe IS re-writing history. And she can get to absolute fuck IMHO and here's why;

She, with her usual gross narcissism, is shoving herself into a discussion by BAME people about prejudice and difficulty that BAME people experience (that visibly caucasian people, privileged people, simply do not, Hadjicostas or not).

I am a obviously ethnic minority with a 100% anglo name. I have been to job interviews (presumably based upon on this 100% caucasian name) and had the interviewers call for me, stare around the room blankly, and look visibly, VISIBLY shocked as I rose to my feet, in my cheap suit, clutching my cheap briefcase. Somehow I doubt that Jack Monroe has ever come close to having this experience. And how dare she even dream of comparing her experience with the lifetime of microaggressions that the wonderful Kamala has lived.

BAH. I cant stand her in ALL her incarnations.

 

[colouredlines]

I love the fact that even her agent knows that the best way to reach Jack is through fucking Twitter. Phone call? Email? Whatsapp? Nope!

 

[blurstoftimes]

exclusive live footage from the shitty bungalow

 

[Petelgeuse]

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"I've applied several times. I get nothing". Now JM knows how the patreon subscribers feel.

 

[HarderFaster]

Fond memories of the DKL days when Jack would aggressively patrol the hashtag being a cunt to anyone with the most innocuous critique.

Just a hint, Jackie: if you have to explain the hashtag every. fucking. time. it’s not a good hashtag. Nobody who isn’t on Twitter for their entire 16 hour working day knows what the fuck a thunderclap is.