Jack Monroe #125 Tweeted it, completed it, deleted it

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Pocahontas

VIP Member
Recap of thread #124

  1. TV commissioners aren’t interested in real working class people like her.
  2. Long covid selfie. No words.
  3. Poor Jack, her eyesight’s failing her cos of long covid. She mistook a glove for a dead pigeon. RIP, glove.
  4. She’s bringing sexy Jack 🤢
  5. She risked the ‘wrath of [her] ancestors for veganising the family pastitsio for cold hard corporate dollar’. All without sense of taste - she’s like the cooking world’s Beethoven.
  6. She wanted to eat a sandwich she ‘hadn’t bloody made’ herself. Don’t we all.
  7. She’s SO DONE with working from home and shared more TMI about her relationship that ‘went kablam’.
  8. She can’t remote work because of the endless coffees she allegedly doesn’t drink.
  9. Hallelujah, praise beans. Her sense of taste came back and she was able to proclaim her vegan pastitsio ‘delicious’. The reason? It contains both cloves and lemon, ‘both used in scent rehabilitation’. Hahahaha.
  10. She is not collaborating with Veganuary the organisation (but is using the hashtag).
  11. Seeing as four years on, people are are still waiting, The Great Kickstarter Khaos was discussed.
  12. [*]
    For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

    Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
    Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

    Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

    For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

    *** JACKISMS ***

    Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

    Yes, absolutely x

    Some other favourite Jack quotes:

    ‘Babe, same’
    ‘I did a chaos’
    ‘My maverick brain’
    ‘My sad little face’
    ‘I’m BUSY’
    ‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
    ‘I laughed up a lung’

    ** NEW **
    ‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.

    She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’

    As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.

    *****

    One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

    To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

    Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

    Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

    We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

    During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

    Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

    Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

    *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

    Also:
    • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
    • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
    • Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
    • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
    • ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
    • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
    • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
    • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
    • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
    • She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.
    [*]
    Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

    We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

    • Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.
    [*][*]
 
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Apologies if this has already been said (am on the Grunka train), but is the Hattie artist on the shelf doodle the same Hattie who is the Editor of that Breakdown magazine or whatever it was offensively called?

I feel JM has consumed so much of my 2020, we could all genuinely appear on Mastermind to answer questions on our specialist Jack eras (bond Jack, Cypriot Waitrose mezze Jack, Street Urchin Jack, etc.)

F42BD797-D331-47B7-A3A9-8D123C202268.jpeg
 

Flash123

Well-known member
Apologies if this has already been said (am on the Grunka train), but is the Hattie artist on the shelf doodle the same Hattie who is the Editor of that Breakdown magazine or whatever it was offensively called?

I feel JM has consumed so much of my 2020, we could all genuinely appear on Mastermind to answer questions on our specialist Jack eras (bond Jack, Cypriot Waitrose mezze Jack, Street Urchin Jack, etc.)

View attachment 363883
I missed bond jack...., what happened there?
 

Silver Linings

VIP Member
I missed bond jack...., what happened there?
Jack read her two year old newspaper and saw that Lashana Lynch is technically 007 in the much delayed Bond film. She said this meant LL is the new Bond. She then declared she’s actually a secret Bond nerd who had theories aplenty about ....things, despite not having seen all of them or realised 007 is just Bond’s agent number. They were all deleted by the end of the day.
 

Fitnessqueen

Well-known member
Not sure if husband is channelling his inner Jack tonight but instead of making his usual marinara sauce he has bunged raw onion, garlic, tinned tomatoes and herbs in the nutribullet and blitzed it. It’s currently cooking - I’ll let you know 😳

Does anyone else get flashbacks to third year (year 9 in new money) art classes when they look at those kickstarter illustrations?
 
I missed bond jack...., what happened there?
I’m pretty sure one of the screenshot extraordinaires will have the receipts, but she basically said she had a theory about the bond films that no one else had thought of, and that she’d post it shortly. Not sure if it was on @kachoochoo ’s list of Jack promises. I think it was around the same time as Tank era jack...
 

LyraBalaqua

Chatty Member
Jack read her two year old newspaper and saw that Lashana Lynch is technically 007 in the much delayed Bond film. She said this meant LL is the new Bond. She then declared she’s actually a secret Bond nerd who had theories aplenty about ....things, despite not having seen all of them or realised 007 is just Bond’s agent number. They were all deleted by the end of the day.
Still waiting for those theories ......., a bit like the Kickstarter years.
 

Emmapism

VIP Member
Finished my Grunk and caught the fella up on the Kickstarter grift. He's now contemplating setting up a Patreon for his photography (forgive me Fraus I don't know what monster I have created) and actually delivering things because

'if she can get loads of money for delivering nothing, then I should be able to make some by delivering something'

Quite my love. Welcome to the upside down 😂
 

PoorPatrol

VIP Member
Not sure if husband is channelling his inner Jack tonight but instead of making his usual marinara sauce he has bunged raw onion, garlic, tinned tomatoes and herbs in the nutribullet and blitzed it. It’s currently cooking - I’ll let you know 😳

Does anyone else get flashbacks to third year (year 9 in new money) art classes when they look at those kickstarter illustrations?
Lol yes!! “Draw a still life of what’s in front of you at home” ermmm a fag packet, a giant ashtray that I’d made my Nan at school, a loaf of mighty white and bottle of Sunny D anyone?
 

Sideboard Bob

Chatty Member
deleted by the end of the day.
Ironically that’s almost a good name for a Bond Film, “Deleted By The End of the Day, out NOW!”

@Pocahontas thank you for the 💯 recap. Thanks to the “The Great Kickstarter Khaos” 😂 link I realised people were still commenting and waiting!
(I didn’t notice the dates before because yes, I was another one distracted by laughing at “I’d LOVE to be probed wrong”. Wow.)

Loving the title @_blank_ ! And kudos to you @Minky McMoneypenny for once again accidentally overcoming your fears and starting a new thread!! 🎉
 
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