Jack Monroe #106 She’s ‘aving a carafe

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Congratulations to @Smeghead for the thread title! An audacious 118 reactions 🎉 Pat on the back for you, you little finger of fun.

Recap of thread #105

  1. She woke in the middle of the night, and banged her shin. She wailed to the moon, BB fobbed her off, so she decided to list all of her meagre assets (including some Viv W traazers, natch).
  2. She can’t sell her ‘cursed engagement’ rings because of her ‘stupidly small finger’. 🙄
  3. She made a vegan Christmas loaf. Just cos it contains tinned mandarins doesn’t mean it’s festive, Jack.
  4. Good moorrrning, Southend! Report from the bungalow. Ouchy tooth is the ailment of the day. She honestly must spin a wheel.
  5. Her face was so swollen, y’all.
  6. She made a preposterously disgusting sandwich. Someone told her to put it in the bin. Shan’t!
  7. She’s so zany she drinks water out of vases, wears cat socks and does her sums with wooden calculators.
  8. She also revealed a snippet of scathing essay about Dominic Cummings.
  9. She has hypothesised herself.
  10. She shared her relapse story. Apparently a picture of Humpty Dumpty holding a spoon will show her the way.
  11. She has a filming job with the BBC this week. But she looks like she’s been ‘punched in the jaw’. Glow up time!
  12. Oh dear, she’s being stalked again by a group of people who discuss her online. Mom doesn’t have this problem. People didn’t discuss where she lives. She’s TIRED. Well go to bed then, Jack by gaslight.
  13. She still has the tooth ‘owies’.
  14. Never mind all that, she’s made a sensational bacon and banana porridge thing. Everyone’s having a sniff.
  15. [*]
    For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

    Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
    Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

    Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

    For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

    *** JACKISMS ***

    Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

    Yes, absolutely x

    Some other favourite Jack quotes:

    ‘Babe, same’
    ‘I did a chaos’
    ‘My maverick brain’
    ‘My sad little face’
    ‘I’m BUSY’
    ‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
    ‘I laughed up a lung’
    **New**
    ‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’
    She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’

    One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

    To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

    Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

    Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

    We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

    During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

    Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

    Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now duck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to duck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

    *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

    Also:
    • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
    • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
    • Her dad's a bleeping LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
    • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
    • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
    • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
    • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
    • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
    • She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.
    [*]
    Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

    We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

    • Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.
    [*][*]
 
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Sorry all, I can't edit the post about everyone here wanting to keep her and her family safe from harm, but if she uses the expression "puppy brain" to refer to a condition that can literally ruin your life one more time I'm going to need a mod to delete it for me because it will no longer be true.

(please visualise the "screaming intensifies" GIF of your choice here, dear hearts)
 
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Oh my god - the vampire fan.

Imagine if that person had figured out the address with the breadcrumbs of info sprinkled liberally along with huge greasy chunks of bacon and banana? I am genuinely terrified for her.
 
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Eeek! I’ve never won anything in my life! Thank (space) you all so, so much. It means the world to me. I’d like to thank Dave the Greengrocer for his duck eggs and squishy pomegranates; Phil the Pharmacist for all the creams and bandages that help get rid of splinters and heal ouchy fingers; I’d like to thank my writers for all the original material I use on here; and most of all I’d like to thank YOU dear hearts, for bringing a smile to my swollen face every day. Now duck off, I’m busy.
 
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My favourite thing about #31 was the random interjections of "ice lolly chat", such a beautiful way of totally blanking her
So behind, but love the new title!!

I love that the fraus were going off topic in #31 with the subject of the threads literally posting on there 😂

Gutted i missed being there in real time, she turned up ready to spin some sympathy stories and get passive aggressive, meanwhile the meanie haters are ignoring her like she's a toddler in timeout in favour of talking about watermelon ice lollies 😄

Thats why she doesn't namedrop tattle, she's too scared the squiggles would come on here to defend her and end up ensnared by our malevolent food chat and valid critiques - it's a slippery slope that ends with them posting sock pics over on the offtopic thread 😄

And she's never dared to show her face on here again
 
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thank you @Pocahontas & @Silver Linings for being the fuel that keeps this engine running xx



love the fraus in the last thread who pointed out how bleeping ridiculous Jackie's being. Firstly, it's obviously not illegal we're commenting on tit she puts out in the public domain and that is it. Secondly, Jackie loves free money if there was a chance of civil action she'd have been on it immediately, especially before we became 3 of her top 5 most googled terms & entered the realms of her google auto complete, that must be a killer for potential new clients ey :( ! If this was true she'd link to us, she'd use her plethora of media contacts to get something done, she'd be campaigning like Bobby out of TOWIE does with his genuinely vile trolls.

And as someone who's actually been through horrible tit with creepy threatening weirdos, I can only say she's either lying that she feels this way or she's completely thick as tit to be carrying on the way she does. The jury is truly out there on the latter as I think she may actually be a moron. Every time she threatens this I wish I could tell our story to make you guys feel better but I promise you there's nothing to be scared of, unless she individually doxxes you and you get harassed by HER crusty fans! But as someone who's genuinely been made to feel really bleeping scared by strange men on the internet I can assure you I don't post any pictures of the inside of my house, let them know when I'm out and where, my baby will never be posted online much less feat Enid Blyton narration, we have cameras *inside the house* which I hate, like she's such a bleeping massive billy bullshitter. The only thing she's good at is getting free money off of vulnerable people and creating facetune horrors (miss those days, pls come back to us Jackie ft. other people's eyebrows and teeth)

Once again extend the invite to her to DM me and come round for a chat. I SHAN'T be going to hers and that condemned kitchen, no thank YOU x
 
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I wonder if she really is moving house, so intrigued about how crappy her new place will be.
Anyone else thoroughly confused about why the BBC are employing her yet again?!!
 
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Oh my god - the vampire fan.

Imagine if that person had figured out the address with the breadcrumbs of info sprinkled liberally along with huge greasy chunks of bacon and banana? I am genuinely terrified for her.
He’s outright asked for her address to send flowers. Replies to a lot of tweets.

I don’t know if it’s my general internet innocence or if I have a very locked down and carefully put together twitter feed so don’t come across a lot of strange folk but Jesus Christ. Jack - never mind us here- worry a lot about a man that is that level of intense in his interactions with you. I am almost sure he is perfectly harmless in real life....almost.
 
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Good morning, my dear hearts. A few thoughts on privacy and safety.

Addresses used to always be publicly available (phone book, electoral register). People never used to be so concerned about their privacy or safety, but now it’s somehow ok to broadcast your whole life to the world and scream ‘safety! Privacy!’ when people figure out in minutes where you live because all the information you have put out there. It makes no sense to me, it will make no sense to a judge or a jury. Plus I still don’t know what I’m getting sued for, but my outfit is ready (sorry @Sentient mirror )

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Oh my god - the vampire fan.

Imagine if that person had figured out the address with the breadcrumbs of info sprinkled liberally along with huge greasy chunks of bacon and banana? I am genuinely terrified for her.

 
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I wonder if she really is moving house, so intrigued about how crappy her new place will be.
Anyone else thoroughly confused about why the BBC are employing her yet again?!!
You take your ratings where you can get them. Think of all the Tattlers tuning to FORENSICALLY hoot at the chaos.
 
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I’ve been reading ‘Feed Your Family for £20 a week’ this morning by Lorna Cooper.

it’s apparently ‘loved by over half a million people’ but it got me thinking about the ethics of the nutritional value in budget cookery.

apart from needing a freezer the size of a garage to house all the leftovers the meal plans advise, the portion sizes are tiny- made me think of someone else!

for example the chicken fried rice recipe. Yes it may cost £1 but it has 100g of chicken for 4 people (so 25g each), 100g peas (so 25g each), 1 egg so that’s not boosting the protein and 4 spring onions (and rice obviously 300g of that).

another is the chicken chow mein which has 1 chicken breast between 4 and 2 noodle nests between 4. Not packed out with veg though, just 200g peppers and 4 spring onions.

in most of the pasta recipes 300g of pasta stretches to 8 portions 😕. I know I over make pasta when I cook it but that’s the other end of the scale.

i just don’t know how these types of books are flying under the radar and seen as acceptable. Of course everybody can eat cheaply if they halve the amount they usually (and probably need to) eat, but that’s not right is it and seems to completely miss the point of eating well on a budget.
 
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