Is no father better than one that comes and goes?

[Rolypolymmm]

Just looking for opinions on the above.

I want to do what's best for my child so is it better for them not to ever see their father or know about him than to let him pop in and out every few months? Pandemic aside.

 

[Welsh1]

In my opinion, I'd rather him not be there at all.
Its confusing both ways for a child though I suppose but I'd rather that than seeing my child's face when I tell him his dad is no longer coming to see him when its been planned. I'm very all or nothing in that respect.

 

[Belulah]

Yes. I feel consistency is most important for a child.

 

[LittleMy]

None. My father was like that, then once I was old enough to see it for myself, I cut ties with him and he has never even tried to get in contact with me since. It’s been almost 20 years now. I won’t lie and say that it doesn’t hurt, I still get pangs of jealousy whenever I hear of my friends’ amazing relationships with their dads, although I have a good stepfather. Those feelings are becoming less frequent with each year that passes though. It’s all in or all out as far as I’m concerned and I’d be the same way with my own children if in that situation.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Yes definitely better to have never seen them in my opinion. If the child sees the father, albeit, not very often, then attachments will be formed and a bond will be created. My dad was in and out of my life when I was a child and it hurt massively, my best friend never knew her dad and I always wished I was the same. Eventually when I was 18 he cut all ties with me and it still hurts me so much, I wish I’d never known him.

 

[McNuggets]

My husband’s Dad left when he was a baby so didn’t have him around when growing up.

He says he can’t miss something he never had.

 

[Platypusfattypus]

Depends on how the child feels. Do they like seeing their dad infrequently, is it disruptive to the child and makes them unhappy?

 

[laughing]

Why is he not around?

Work or choice?

 

[Marmaladeapricot]

None. My father was like that, then once I was old enough to see it for myself, I cut ties with him and he has never even tried to get in contact with me since. It’s been almost 20 years now. I won’t lie and say that it doesn’t hurt, I still get pangs of jealousy whenever I hear of my friends’ amazing relationships with their dads, although I have a good stepfather. Those feelings are becoming less frequent with each year that passes though. It’s all in or all out as far as I’m concerned and I’d be the same way with my own children if in that situation.

That was my experience with my father he died a few years ago, and I decided not to go to the funeral. It does hurt to have never experienced a proper father and daughter relationship and sad my children have never experienced a grandfather x

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I’ve brought my 11 year old up on my own since day one, we went to court and he decided to not be involved in her life when she was newborn, we’ve done amazing on our own. There’s no way on this earth I would allow anyone to walk in and out of her life. She briefly asked about him over the summer but she decided she didn’t want to know anything further as he had never been there.

 

[birdiefly246]

Tricky situation and really depends on circumstances. If the child is told he's coming every week and then he doesn't show up and the child is upset then I'd say it's best to have no contact. If he can't be there often cause of work reasons then that's different again. If he turns up every few months and the child is unbothered then I don't know what the best course of action would be.

I would say maybe it depends on how your child feels and reacts about it. It's really hard cause I would worry about the abandonment issues that could come from having a parent in and out so my instinct is to say no contact to stop my child from being messed around, but then I wouldn't want to stop my child from seeing their dad and then potentially be blamed later on down the line if my child turned 18 or whatever and got in contact and dad said how I wouldn't let him see my child (which would be true technically but for good reason).

 

[Rolypolymmm]

Thanks for all the replies. My child have just turned 3 so she is none the wiser. He hasn't seen her in around 9 months - partly because he works abroad, partly because of covid and partly because he is an asshole who isn't bothered to put himself out.....suppose I've just answered my own question really.

I don't think he's up for the role of consistent parenting but when I see him he says x, y and z but his actions don't match up.

I just wasn't sure if I was being a bad mother by not allowing visits when he asks ( which isn't often), my gut is telling me to not let him come and go

 

[GlennCoco]

My mum told my biological dad that if he couldn't commit to seeing me on a regular basis, whether that be once a week, once a month, once every 2, 3 or 6 months etc then he wasn't seeing me at all. He decided not to see me at all (he was a tool anyway). We ended up getting in touch when I was in my early 20's but I realised for myself what a tool he was and cut all ties not long after.

Definitely easier "getting over" my issues when he hasn't been around. Wouldnt have liked to have had him in and out of my life when he pleased because it would have been very unsettling. Especially as your daughter hasn't seen him for 9 months, she isn't going to remember who he is if that makes sense?

 

[birdiefly246]

Thanks for all the replies. My child have just turned 3 so she is none the wiser. He hasn't seen her in around 9 months - partly because he works abroad, partly because of covid and partly because he is an asshole who isn't bothered to put himself out.....suppose I've just answered my own question really.

I don't think he's up for the role of consistent parenting but when I see him he says x, y and z but his actions don't match up.

I just wasn't sure if I was being a bad mother by not allowing visits when he asks ( which isn't often), my gut is telling me to not let him come and go

does he show up when he asks for the visits and how much leg work do you do?
I'm just thinking could you say yes to his visits but only on the grounds that he does ALL the work i.e. he comes to pick her up/to your house/a local park that's within walking distance of you. You choose a time that's convenient for you etc.

Likelihood is, if he doesn't want to make an effort he won't and then you don't have to make the decision. I know some people will say that you shouldn't "make it difficult for him" but I don't think that's making it difficult given that you are her primary carer and he's done much of nothing, it's not really a big ask to say that he needs to be one making an effort. You're not asking him to scale Everest.

I'm just thinking that way you can avoid potentially being made out to be the bad guy and if your daughter ever asks you could just say "here are all the texts and everything here. He was the one that never bothered"

 

[Phoenix Lazarus]

As a child, my father wasn't around a lot of the time as he worked shifts. When there he didn't engage much. He was largely engrossed in being an armchair sport enthusiast and follower of politics. I never liked sport and if I asked about politics all I got told was that one main party was just bad and the other good without explanation of why. So you can have a father who is there yet is not. That is far from ideal also.

 

[birdiefly246]

As a child, my father wasn't around a lot of the time as he worked shifts. When there he didn't engage much. He was largely engrossed in being an armchair sport enthusiast and follower of politics. I never liked sport and if I asked about politics all I got told was that one main party was just bad and the other good without explanation of why. So you can have a father who is there yet is not. That is far from ideal also.

Exactly this!!^ Mine was a good dad when I saw him but I describe him as a part time dad. He was interested when I was at his house but I never heard from him when I wasn't. No texts or phone calls. They had a schedule and he had me 2 nights a week which he chose as those were the two most convenient because none of his mates went to the pub on those nights. If there was a sporting event on on one of the nights that he wanted to go to the pub to watch then he wouldn't have me and wouldn't change the day to keep the 2 nights so he'd just go without seeing me and he was okay with that. Wouldn't say I wouldn't have wanted to see him but the situation at my mum's was a lot worse, but I will say, he only looks like a good parent because my mum was so bad. Had my mum been amazing he would have been a deadbeat.

 

[Lhm87]

Parenthood isn’t for Everyone. My son is 15 and hasn’t seen his dad now for a few years. His dad was in and out for the first 10 years of his life then slowly it got less and less frequent, now they have no contact. I’d definitely say if he is inconsistent, cut ties now. I think a child never knowing/seeing their dad is better than an inconsistent relationship.

 

[LittleMy]

My dad was always around until he and my mum broke up when I was 8. Then the excuses came when it was his turn to see us at weekends. Then he moved down to the South of England (we’re Scotland). Me and my younger sibling went to stay with him once over the summer holidays, but after that he made excuses again to not have us down for visits. My mum never once stopped us from seeing him, despite being really angry with him for letting us down, but we made the decision ourselves. The fact that he didn’t even try to fight for us said it all really.

 

[Belulah]

I’ve brought my 11 year old up on my own since day one, we went to court and he decided to not be involved in her life when she was newborn, we’ve done amazing on our own. There’s no way on this earth I would allow anyone to walk in and out of her life. She briefly asked about him over the summer but she decided she didn’t want to know anything further as he had never been there.

My daughter asked where her daddy was when she was 2. I told her daddy didn’t live with us but he gave us money to take care of us. Then I thought duck that I work full time and I take care of us. So when she asked again I said Daddy sent us money for treats. I’m trying to bring him up often because though he isn’t here I don’t want him to be a taboo subject or her to build him up in her head. It’s also painful for me to talk about it to her but less so the more I do it.
I’ve made it clear to him he is not to contact us and I would block any contact. This might seem selfish but I’m not having him derail our lives or hurt her. My job is to protect her and if I let him into our lives he would 100% hurt her. Obviously I’m going to censor what I tell her because there are some things he has done that will only hurt her and she will gain nothing from knowing.
Much love to you and your child. You sound very strong.

I'm just thinking that way you can avoid potentially being made out to be the bad guy and if your daughter ever asks you could just say "here are all the texts and everything here. He was the one that never bothered"

I think be as honest as is age appropriate. I am filled with a white rage when I think how fathers don’t bother with their child.

 

[judgejohndeed]

but then I wouldn't want to stop my child from seeing their dad and then potentially be blamed later on down the line if my child turned 18 or whatever and got in contact and dad said how I wouldn't let him see my child (which would be true technically but for good reason).

I agree with this. I do believe it is better to have no father around than a wilfully part time one. But unfortunately if you make that choice you always run the risk that it’s turned back on you as ‘you stopped my Dad seeing me’ and ‘maybe he would’ve changed’ etc etc. As painful a lesson it is (and so I get why people don’t do it) I think it is better to be facilitative of any contact and let the child learn from Dad himself that he can’t be relied upon etc etc.